I'm moving! (again. Same city this time)

It seems the time between my moves keep getting shorter and shorter. But, thanks to the diversity that is Chicago, I've been able to find a new place that is almost $200 cheaper than what I am paying now, a little closer to work, still near public transportation, and bigger!

I signed the lease for the new place today, and am working with the current tenant to take advantage of the rent that's been paid for Jan already and get a few extra days to get settled into the new place before I have to be out of my current apartment on Feb 1.

Merry Christmas to me!

Virtual Christmas Card

In all of the moves in the last year, I've lost a lot of addresses, and people have moved as well. I'm honestly planning to send out some cards in the next week or so, writing them on the plane from Chicago to LAX.

But, this self portrait just turned out awesome, and sometimes I need to see a picture of myself happy when I feel like I shouldn't be happy, for whatever crazy reason.


So ... Happy Solstice!

Cute Puppy Spam

Dusty turned 2 this week, and for his birthday I ordered snow. Lots and lots of snow. Best part, it came on time and had free shipping!







Here are a few pictures today that I took, and a small video where he was having a blast.

Peanut Butter Cookies

While I don't have a chimney for Santa, I did some cookie baking to cheer up a friend, and thought I'd put up a picture!

They were Chocolate Peanut Butter Chip cookies, made with Reese's PB chips. They were quite a hit. I used a tweaked version of the recipe and I was very pleased with it, going to keep it for the future.

updates galore

so I haven't forgotten, just sometimes takes a little longer for words to formulate in my head and get put back out here. I'm going to try and get a couple posts up today, even if it ends up being diarrhea of blogging. Whee!

New Traditions

This thanksgiving had a twist .... I went from having no one to celebrate with last year, to a family I've adopted as my own... I hope the feeling's mutual! I will admit my bribe of bourbon pecan pie helped to smooth things over, as I kept hearing "mmmm...........Mmmmmmm" across the table from the biggest pecan pie fan. The family tradition of Southern Comfort and cranberry juice was oh so tasty.... one I can see myself adopting!


I just wish I could shake the feeling at the end of the day I'm playing Pretend, in the land with little singing friends. So hard to watch the life I left behind move on as if I was never even there, especially on days like this where such emphasis is put on friends and family. But I'm picking up the pieces of what's left of my heart and letting a combination of time, soul searching, and some of the best real friends help put it back together. I'm not sure when it'll be ready to consider giving to someone again ... For now, I'm just working on being able to give my heart to myself, each and every day.

Real Life

The Good News: I have a job. I can pay rent for December and not freeze my tush off.

The Bad News: I get to eat Ramen for the next month, and if I'm lucky maybe also get some wizened chicken. Whee!! That cruise is starting to look better and better... if for no other reason than there's free food.

Supporting Friends

I am friends with some amazingly talented people, whether they admit it or not.

Today was a chance to support an up and coming professional photographer, Kevin Pearce, who has had me for a fan since the first time I met him, which incidentally involved spending a day wandering around Chicago talking to his wife, also an amazing friend and artist/writer, while he shot pictures.

Starting last week, he has 2 pictures hanging and for sale at the Framing Mode Gallery in the South loop, and is slated to have his own show in April for the gallery!

If you'd like to see some more of his FANTASTIC photography, check out his two sites:


www.kwpearce.com This site is Kevin's work I've always loved, and covers everything from beloved Chicago and Arizona spots, as well as more abstract and introspective pieces.

www.facefirstphoto.com This site is for his new venture of portrait photography, as he continues to build his professional skills and capabilities.

GO KEVIN!

On the horizon

This has been an interesting week in some ways....and my quietness here over this time was something that was acutely on my mind, but I was craving the respite of some quietness in the mind. I've been on a little raft while sharks, real or imagined, stay slightly at bay as I try desperately to catch my breath and gain a sense bearings again. Thoughts and emotions and people are just at the edge, and if I stop and reach out, I can touch them, and feel them eager to jump into that space I've just made.

And right now ..... I'm standing here, staring at the horizon in the way you do when you're trying to make time stand in place. Capturing every part of a memory, and trying to hold everything so the world stays as it looked so perfect, when the color of the sea is not muddied by the sand being kicked up by waves. Holding on and not wanting to turn back on these memories. Once you break your eyes away.... you never have that moment back again. And even as you keep standing there, your toes buried in the sand, willing you to stay. The water and the waves work their unstoppable magic, making your position weaker and weaker until you must either acquiese their command and move towards firmer footing, or fall and lose yourself among the waves.

I feel like that is where I am now. I know what needs to happen, and I can see slowly but surely how the things I've been holding on to and praying and hoping that something would bring these things back into my life. But ... like the sand .... every day they move further and further from me, until I can't even see where it all started. And whereas before I was trying to defy the laws of gravity, now I simply just wish I had more time. But more time doesn't make things magically fall back together. And more time doesn't change the innate characteristics of the things that fill our lives.

And like the sand .... some things will never be other than what they are. I am letting the sand stay on the beach ... because it's home is not on the mountain I've started climbing. If I hold onto it, it will only help me to slide back to the bottom much faster than if I am grabbing after something new. And that will change as your journey leads you on....

In these moments were it seems no matter how loud the tv goes and the El rattles by.... nothing is louder than the silence of my thoughts as I feel alone in this whole exploration, and wonder if there'll be someone out there someday who can not only recognize how much I constantly evolving as a person, but can put questions out there to help us both continue to do it.

Soup Modification

So I was going to make a Curry Veggie Lentil soup today. Except there's one problem... I only have 1 pot, and its not big enough! I put in the veggies, and the pot was full almost to the brim. So I added as much stock as I safely could, and decided to just turn this into a curry veggie soup. But, I'm putting SOUP POT on my christmas list!

Respite

The rain is gone, at least for now. Hello, sweet sunshine.

Now if I can make the same transition in my mood, and *hopefully* start getting some sleep again soon.

Sucker

Who can resist a face like this!

Heavenly

The picture on the left is not mine, but minus the foil, this is what my Pumpkin Cream cheese muffins look like - and they taste absolutely HEAVELY. I have 2 loaves of pumpkin bread as well, one that I'm going to take to work tomorrow, and then the other is spoken for. I know better than to keep these in my house!!

What a week

Wow. I am so thankful it is Saturday. This is the first Saturday I haven't been doing something that consumes my entire day or weekend since the middle of September. Intense would be the best word to describe the last couple days, and I have learned that no matter how much I try to anticipate, prepare, and plan, there is ALWAYS something waiting to trip me up. This is so frustrating!! But, these kinds of times are also the ones where you really confirm the people in your life who are there to really support you through thick and thin, without hesitation.


My sister's visit was over too quickly, and part of the craziness this week was dealing with resurgence of homesickness, compounded with the question of where really is home, now?

Our warm spell is gone, replaced by rain, and the beginnings of snow flurries who can't make up their mind if they want to be snow or rain. It was so nice and cozy this morning, sleeping in (YAY!) and then waking up to a cozy apartment as the radiators kicked in overnight. While my heat/gas in this apartment are free, the price I do pay is not having exclusive control over the heat. The radiators have little knobs on them, but even if I have them completely closed, some days there is still a large amount of heat being radiated. I remedy this by strategically opening the windows.

One of the things that came up in conversation while my sister was here was the childhood experience in our family. While some kids were waiting for the day they turned 16 to have their driver's license, I instead had a passport and was spending my summer traveling around Europe. Both of us have been overseas several times, both on our funds and on gifts from the parents. I am able to say I've been exposed to a lot of opportunities that many people would be envious of, and I am grateful for them.

But, sometimes the motivation lying behind all these can add a twist. My parents were both so busy with their careers, that sometime I felt like this was their way of making up for not making time. I chose not to pursue a teaching career because my mom has turned hers into an 80 hrs/wk job. Often times when I came home from my trips, I would have to be picked up by friends of the family since neither of my parents were available - and sometimes not even in the state! I turned out all right, but I don't have some of the memories others do of their parents being more connected in their lives. For my birthday, all I wanted most years was time with my parents. This turned into a camping weekend for a couple years, until I started high school and marching band and sports medicine and school takes over your life.

All these things have been playing in my mind as I really try to learn from the relationship I left behind, and what I what to add to my life going forward. It is not easy. Some days, I don't want to have to admit the mistakes I made, and the solutions are sometimes not easy to swallow. What keeps my resolve is remembering the bigger picture, and that I can't change overnight. I can't have what I want, overnight. It all starts in little steps, and constant small corrections, readjustments, evaluations, and never ending soul searching.

I hadn't planned on getting this deep, but the blog has been good for me that way. This space gives me a chance to ramble a little and get the clutter out of my head; anything else depends on what is left in that little space after.

Power Out

Sorry I've not updated, my laptop power supply decided to succumb to a fiery death on Sunday afternoon. Going tonight to get a new one, then hopefully provide a quality update.

In the meantime, I have an odd shaped mac magnet burn on my leg. Whoo!

Tourist Chicago

The sis visit is still in progress, but can be deemed a success. Today we did about 5 miles of walking, and have fun with a little hiccup with the Loyola visit. Oh well, things happen. I learned a lot about this city I didn't know, had some good pizza, and feel the good kind of tired over all the walking we did. Weather was chilly but bearable, and made the walking feel extraordinarily good.

Just a little note to say its been very nice to have company.. makes me wish I had the opportunity more often.

My Sis is coming!

No matter how many fights or tantrums you had growing up, there's always something absolutely comfortable about being around siblings. I am glad mine have grown up in the right ways, and are for the most part fun to have around.

My little baby sister is turning 21 this weekend, and asked to come visit me her for her birthday. So, with a reward ticket from daddy funding her travel, she's coming up here for the weekend.

The plan so far is to take her down to Loyola and check out the medical campus, have some deep dish pizza for lunch, wander around downtown afterwards, and then head back up to my neighborhood and just play the rest of the evening by ear. I think I'm starting to become a fairly comfortable tour guide, though I should probably brush up on my towers of Chicago in case she asks.

I love how some memories catch you by surprise... in such a pleasant way. I've really been trying to be better about bridging back friendships that may have not been on the forefront for a while. Last night was one of these successes, and I went to bed with a smile from ear to ear, warm fuzzys in my belly, and this poem in my heart:


HAD I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

William B. Yeats

windy

Just a little note.. it was crazy windy out on our nightly walk. I have a hard time hearing wind sometimes, but I had no problem in this case. Leaves all over, dusty was freaking out.

It won't be long before the weather turns nasty cold, but until it does, I'm loving every minute of this. I'm starting to get together a list of the forest preserves, and work on finding places to go hiking and walking on the weekends.

Grandma news is not encouraging at the moment, as she was admitted to the hospital overnight during the weekend, and released but sent home with portable oxygen tanks to use 24/7. She was also given 2 catheter bags to bypass her kidneys, alleviating some discomfort and allowing her to sleep through the night without getting up 4-5 times a night. Hopefully that'll add up to some more restful sleep.

Affirming Change

Sometimes books, people, and events come into our lives with uncanny timing. I have had the book Anatomy of the Spirit on my shelf for a couple years, and have picked it up and started a few times. However, its message and action plan is really relevant for everything I am going through right now.

Some of the author's comments include people saying they think they were better off before they realized they were unhappy, because once you make this realization, you must do 1 of 2 things. You must either decide to not longer wish to be unhappy, and make things CHANGE. Or, you can change nothing, but because you are aware of your unhappiness, the same situations will hold no joy either. This is how I felt for a long time, and I really struggled with my loyalty to those I love, wanting to stick things out and never give up. However, I need to be loyal to myself too. And that meant realizing sometimes I can't fix everything. And that big scary C word is something that I needed to open my arms up to.

In a way, I am recovering in a lot of ways. Physically, the walking that is just part of life here really does help on a base level to adjust my moods, since physical activity is just good in general. I spend more time outside than I would if I was driving everywhere and not doing said walking. Image wise, I'm working on addressing my responses to stress and people pleasing, which is often to eat, even when I am not hungry. Just these two small awarenesses have shaved 2 years off my face, from what I have been told.

Now comes the acceptance that I AM a beautiful person, even if I don't feel I'm beautiful to some people. I need to work at staying healthy, which the exercise starts, as well as mental health too. All these things work together in tandem. Once you find your focus and your goal, addressing all of these things makes tweaks and changes that help to bring balance back. I've still got a long way to go, but I can at least take a deep breath and be OK with this path. Before last weekend, I was really feeling like I was just a victim in this situation, practically ran out of town because no one loved me enough to want to ask me to stay.

I know I have a strong desire to feel validated and wanted by other people. But, I am learning that if this is what I base my happiness on, I will ALWAYS be let down. What makes matters worse, this let down is often most painful the closer you are to people, and it can quickly turn into a cycle that makes you just shut down emotionally. I was on the verge of letting that happen to me. Now, I am aware and open to the idea of validating my life here, and doing it in a way that is embracing of me. I am here to love and take care of people... all people. I am here to give back in what ways I can, even if I don't receive a word of thanks. It is not my call whether some one is worthy or not of my compassion... for there's a reason our eyes are in our head and not in our heart.

My Old Kentucky Home

As I type this I am about nearly done with a quickie road trip back to Louisville to get my winter stuff, as well as the boxes that did not make it in the truck the first time around.

First meetings in new dynamics are always extremely awkward, but I said what I needed to say in order to clear my mind and leave with a clean conscience. While certain moments were far from pleasant, I feel like there is a better sense of closure on where I stood on things, which were hard to discern in all the drama that surrounded my leaving 2 months ago.

It is interesting to watch the interactions others have within their relationships, especially when one party is one you know extremely well. While it can touch a sensitive nerve, at the same time it can be a sign of true priorities, and just how much the human race as a whole seeks companionship, even at a high cost. I can definitely attest to the extreme loneliness, but I have found that I need a balance between my independence and that companionship. I am seeing what the picture would be like if I was willing to significantly compromise that independence, and I am not sure I would enjoy it, in the long term. It would appear that compromise is acceptable to others, and I wish them the best.

Exiled

The obligatory work update... other than the ginormous papercut I got yesterday, things are going really really well. I've been able to randomly stop and talk with a variety of people, including both of my department coworkers, and my boss. Catching on as best as can be expected, and my cube is starting to feel like I work there.


Grandma update: Its worse, but possibly better news than was originally given. Long story short, doctors disagree on the initial diagnosis and treatment options, so some additional tests are being done before an ultimate decision.

Today was a rainy day. Thats not necessarily a bad thing, but it was definitely a rainy day. I have been getting questions from work about how I came to be in Chicago, and its been hard to find a way to tell a plausible, true story without getting stuck on the details and being put on a trip down memory lane. I wasn't able to avoid that later today.

Ultimately, I have someone in my life who for the last 4 years I have loved very much. People come together in all manners of ways, and while it may not classify a relationship, it certainly sets the tone. Looking back on our relationship evolution, it is hard to look at what transpired and not instantly blame myself and want to try to fix the situations time and time again. I'd been trying to fix something that could never be fixed because we had different viewpoints about why we were together in the first place. This realization and acceptance was the true catalyst for my move, but it nothing is every that simple.

Here I am in Chicago, hundreds of miles away from everyone I love, everything thats familiar, in a proclaimed journey of self discovery for "The Lesson" and enlightenment. But while this is happening, it means I'm completely alone, night after night, more broke than I have ever been in my life, and feeling like a four year old girl who wants a big someone to just hold me and soothe me. Someone to be the friend to me that I have been countless times, when you just hurt so much you simply want the presence and assurance of someone there. Not words of sucking it up and dealing with it, not badmouthing. Because once the head clears, i'm pretty good at the stuff on my own.

But right now I want nothing more than just a comfort that I can lean against, just close my eyes, and have someone tell me its gonna be ok, I can relax, someone else will take the night watch tonight.

Since that's obviously not happening, I took the dog out and had a good cry and thought about lots of other stuff that I've already forgotten now that I'm back in front of the computer.

Sometimes I wonder what all of these experiences are doing to me as a person... and who will be the person at the end of the tunnel. I hope she likes the color green, because I better not lose my eyes.

Chicago Style Hotdogs

Yesterday was supposed to be a day that included some mini golf, as well as a run to Scooters for some custard. However, we were a no win for either of those places! The mini golf had already closed for the season, even though we've had mid 70's weather all weekend. For Scooters, it wasn't open until 1:00pm, and we got there at 12:30.

Because someone had to get to work by 2, we ended up heading the way we'd came and had lunch at Flub-A-Dub-Chub's instead. At this place was my second experience with the Chicago style hot dog eating. The picture to the right is exactly what my hotdog looked like, except I only got 1. The relish was super green, and was a little freaky lookin. But you eat the hot dog with the pickle on top just the way it is, and its not as easy as it looks! At Flub's, if you try to put Ketchup on your hot dog, they will take your picture and add it to their "Ketchup wall of Shame". There were quite a few pictures up there. It was a nice, cozy little stand, and I am glad that I had a chance to kick back with my friends.

Going 2 months without a paycheck is tough, and now its down to the crunch time. So, this will probably be the last chance I get to eat out for another month, since all my paycheck at the end of the month is going towards rent. But life goes on, and I'll make do somehow.

Dealing

This week was a tough one... I had some personal struggles, as well as 2 cases of difficult medical complications in my family. As I type, my mom has arrived in Minnesota today to be with my grandma who was diagnosed with a large tumor growth in her bladder. Surgery is out of the question, and at her age, the effects of chemo will likely be just as bad or worse than the effects of the tumor itself. Doctors are giving her realistically through christmas, at the most optimistic. No one knows what this means for our cruise travel plans, and all the details that entails.

I am really having a hard time right now adjusting to a new support network, and then having to spend all this week alone after work aside from the tuesday house show. I think too much, and these evenings are my enemy. I've tried to combat with a good hour long walk in the evenings, with limited success. I enjoyed a bottle of ravenswood cabernet, which at least helped to silence my mind a little while trying to get to sleep.

I've reached the end of my first week of work, and am happy to report my boss is in love with my work, and I'm making friends. I've had lunch twice with a gal in another department, and today we took the train home together, with her getting off a stop before me. I'm glad the week is over for the smorgasboard of treats that were part of the customer service appreciation week. It was a bit much compared to my diet the last month, and I wanted to enjoy the time with everyone else. I do know having regular ice cream does my tummy a little upset, as today showed.

Tomorrow is a game of mini golf in the morning, and then I guess I need to hunt up some quarters and try to find some time to do laundry, since I only have 2 pairs of pants I can wear to work, outside of my black dress pants. I don't want to start feeling like I'm trying too hard, when everyone else can still scale it and be chic and casual. And pay the bills. The Other big thing.

On with the week

I made it through day 2! Lots of stuff to learn, but I think I've got the right mind and am paying attention to the details in a way that is impressing my boss. Towards the end of the day yesterday we were starting to get to the training of actually doing the job, instead of just background information about the organization.


And no Tuesday would be complete without a dose of Dr. Gregory House in his sarcastic finest. While the episode was a rerun, it was an oldie but a goody. Lots of classic Houseisms, and there was a video at the end of the episode that was put together from comments folks made throughout the show. It portrays House as this loving, caring doctor who started his medical career after watching Patch Adams. That alone is priceless!

The First Day

First days are always fun. Fun, fun fun. I got to work about 30 minutes early, so grabbed a small cup of coffee and read the Red Eye for a few minutes before heading on in. The training and background went well, and I am remembering a whole lot more of my massage research than I thought!

To remember one of the sets of category codes for data, I made the acronym "We Never Invite Robots" as a way of remembering the categories. It made me laugh, at least!

There's a lot to take in, and we haven't even started getting to the actual job duties. Today was all meetings over general company policy, guidelines, mission statement, etc and then a 2 and a half hour meeting with HR going over the benefits and employee handbook. All in all.. it was a 10 hour day by the time I got home, took the dog out, and got started on the process of getting some grub in my belly. Hopefully I can work out a better time schedule and shave off about 10 minutes on either side - that will give me enough time to get to work and still be a few minutes early, but not so much that the day keeps feeling longer and longer.

I hope the debates tomorrow don't cancel the next episode of House - its not tuesday without my heaping dose of sarcasm!

Sweet Baby Rays

A group of us went out for dinner last night at Sweet Baby Ray's, followed by a couple hours of fun at Gameworks letting the inner kid out. I ordered the top seller Pulled Pork Sandwich, which was very tasty - it has definitely earned its rep! New to my tastes were sweet potato fries, which were sweet in a not overpowering way, with the fries being sliced smaller.

Gameworks was FUN!!! Well, I guess I shouldn't so sound surprised because I've gone in the past and had a blast. It was a 21+ crowd from 9 pm to close, so it helped to at least keep the general level of maturity up a little bit. I got to play the ewok game .... and if there's one motivation to improve your playing, it costs you less to keep playing a game!

It was a little uncomfortable at first since we had a group of 7 people, and I only knew 2. Add in the fact that the restaurant and Gameworks were both loud, I was a little hoarse by the time I was heading home. But, I still had fun. That's what matters!

I'm now watching Blues Brothers for the first time, and watching the chicago locations pop up during the course of the movie. Very eye opening experience to go back and watch some of my favorites and see them in a totally new light.

Tomorrow is the new job start, finally! I had to run and get some new pants, and stocked up my desk emergency supply bag, along with printing the airline tix info for the cruise we're taking in December to have proof of my vacation request.

Last Day of Freedom

This is hopefully the last day for a long long time where I am involuntarily not working on a weekday. I hopped on the Clark St. bus towards downtown, just people watching and seeing the sights go by. I wanted to grab lunch at Portillos, and was fortunate to have gotten on the bus that would drop me literally right at the doorstep. As soon as I realized, I made a dash for the bus door and was able to get off before it started rolling again.



Lunch was a bacon cheeseburger and cheddar cheese fries, and perfect for the cool day we've had so far. I'm definitely much less overwhelmed when walking around downtown now that i understand the numbering scheme and can visually recognize areas of town and buildings. Portillos was just a block north of the Maggianos I spent 2 hours trying to find in August, so that was definitely a memorable flashback.

I used up the balance on my starbucks gift card to grab some coffee and read a magazine before hopping on the red line back up to my part of town.

As the weather cools down, I am definitely starting to feel underdressed here. Phoenix was very very casual, and the other cities I've lived in were by no means fashion hubs. I guess I've got a clean slate since I had to leave all of my winter clothes behind, save for a fleece jacket and some sweaters to pull over. It's not going to be cheap finding these clothes right now, but I will do some homework and find some thrift stores/Marshalls and see what luck I have there.

Counting Down

I am down to 2 days of freedom before I become a productive member of society (ha!) again. As I type this, I am currently waiting on the service dept at the toyota dealership to finish the routine maintenance on my truck. Its one of those things you gotta do, and I'd rather get it done and out of the way before I have to miss work over it. The next thing would be to get down and get a haircut - I haven't had one since February! That's a looong time.

The chilly air is here, and it felt good to be wrapped in a blanket last night while watching TV. Having some sherbet probably wasn't helpful but hey, I wanted to eat my strawberries!

WHEEEEEE!!!!!

I have a job. The Job. Start Monday.


*breathe HUGE sigh of relief*

This is what I looked like while on the phone.

No News is ... no news

"we hope to make our decision" dates keep getting pushed back... and back.... and back. Meanwhile, my estimate that I would not be working before October 1 seems to be all but reality.

So tomorrow is yet another interview, and possibly a rescue to help figure out why my surround sound seems to be such a pain lately. Getting ready to make my grocery list for a little upside down chocolate pudding cake, and maybe some honey mustard pork chops.

Roadtrip - Lanesboro, MN

After 8 years, I have finally set foot in Lanesboro, MN again. I paid a visit to my grandmother for her 88th birthday on Friday, and stayed the weekend to enjoy some free food, and good company.

In a way... this visit also helped to act as a "reset" button for Chicago. I've been missing a lot of Kentucky lately as that is the last place I've left. By going away to a different place, I've come back and really saw my apartment here as HOME. With no hustle and bustle of city life for 2 days (doors are left unlocked in this town, for the most part), I am ready to ease back into reality.

Best of all... Fall is Coming. It was so relaxing to see the leaves starting to change, with some already reaching deep shades of red in some places. Fall is my favorite time of year, and the mornings with the crisp air, the cooler evenings, and curling up with a cup of tea or coffee before the hard cold of winter hits. It was a beautiful six hour drive each way, not including the city traffic time once inside the city limits.

I feel a lot more "connected" now after being able to visit with family and know they are willing and interested in spending time with me when I am in town. Right now tentative plans are in place for me to head back for Thanksgiving.


Dusty did fabulous as a guest in Grandma's apartment, and I'm glad he had no accidents other than the first time meet leak that I was prepared for. The best part of the weekend when it came to him was watching him "play" with grandma when she was walking around with her cane. He would be in front facing her, and every time she took a step and the cane moved, he would get all excited, chase around, and wiggle some more, at which point she'd have taken another step and it would start all over again. I think Grandma was starting to warm up to him a little, after seeing how mellow he was during the day. Ever the great car rider, he slept most of the way back, and even now is asleep on the floor next to the sofa.

It's been a long weekend for both of us, waking up both days about 7:30am, and crashing about 1:00am. I will be happy to be sleeping in my own bed tonight.

Lost and Found

I was starting to wonder where my favorite shirt and new bra had wandered off to earlier this week when I went looking for them. It occured to me earlier today I probably didn't pull all of the clothes out of the dryer when I did laundry last week. I crossed my fingers and hoped they were still about as I came home tonight, and they were! I am so happy!!!

And now I can wake up at 6am, do laundry, then hit the road for Lanesboro, MN to wish my grandmother a happy birthday.

Insomnia

I should know better... but taking a 3 hour nap this afternoon combined with a glass of Coke... its 2:15am and here I am wide awake. Thank goodness nothing to rush out of bed for. Found a cool picture portraying the state of mind I'd love to have right now...

Jumble

Today has been a somewhat stressful day, but productive as well. I had a second callback interview for the inside sales position, and heard from the HR manager from a second one asking for my release on a background check. That's a good sign, since background checks are expensive and usually only done to help narrow down or allow for approval of a selected candidate. Hopefully I will hear something by tomorrow on at least ONE of these 3 jobs - the waiting is starting to wear me down! I was OK with the constant interviews when I at least knew where I stood. Now I've got 2 on my plate that I've had second interviews for, and the third was just really really positive while I was there. It could go any direction as this point.

But... at least there's HOUSE!!

Dreaming

Without the job to occupy my time, I turn to doing the best I can to make this studio feel like home. With only 1 closet, I am at a huge crunch for storage space. I'm pretty proud of the strategy I've used so far, which leaves me with only a handful of boxes with no place to call home. Ideally, I need a second bookshelf or shelf space somewhere, and some creative re-organizing to make everything work. Lastly... a stand for the TV and to hide the cables from the DVD surround sound speakers.

I found what I was looking for online at IKEA, and took a trip out to the one in Schaumburg to look at the piece in person. I can't afford any big purchases until I have a paycheck again, so this trip was mostly to eyeball the piece, and see how heavy the box(s) were. The one for the TV stand was 97 lbs. No way I'd be able to get that all the way up to my apartment by myself. I checked the delivery charges for my area, and I'd be looking at $120 additional in delivery, minimum, which is actually MORE than the cost of the stand itself!

I ran into the same issue with the sofabed - it was on sale for $99, but it cost me $100 to have it delivered and brought up to my floor. It's frustrating that I can't automatically assume I've got a second pair of hands, which in these cases is really all I needed. Everyone's doing their own thing, and I'm out of the way enough that its not just running across the street to help someone out, it's a several hour commitment. Another reason why I'm so thankful I had some help getting the boxes out of my truck from the move into the city.

*SIGH* Sometimes I wish I wasn't so responsible about things. I would love nothing more than to feel comfortable bringing my friends over and having a space for us to hang out - I want to fulfill my entertainment bug just as much as them, and it would be nice to have them coming to me, for once. But instead, I have a place to sleep, some folding chairs, and that's about it. I've been pretty good about not being nostalgic about my NY townhouse- the situation there was the exact opposite!! I had all the space in the world, comfortable places to sit, a full kitchen table set.... and no one to invite over. I swear... i'd love to win, one of these times - just once!

I'm missing my family. I'm mising what used to be my best friend.... ever since I got back to Kentucky in August after the first round of interviews, I've observed changes which left me living with a total stranger. Everyone changes... but it seems like these changes drove a wedge in between our very close friendship. I'm not sure why... and this is one of the things that has been the hardest to deal with. Circumstances beyond human control have not made matters any easier, and so instead I sit in the silence... sometimes wondering when I'll ever have the answers I'm asking for. The scariest part... something tells me I won't like the answer.

Somewhere out there.... my quirky pieces fit into a puzzle I can't even fathom .. I just hope I can maintain the integrity and strong resolve to keep myself unique.

Superdawg Saturday!

I was looking over my blog today and it must appear I do nothing but squander away money at restaurants. Part of these meals comes from the amazing generosity of friends and adopted family here, and every day I continue to be amazed at how much they have opened their homes and their hearts. I know some days have been very difficult in the past 3 weeks, but it was moments with these folks that made the difference between a day spent in tears and alone, or at least able to get out for a few hours.

Today was the first time that the 4 of us, which I affectionately call "the gang" have actually been together hanging out since the 4th of July weekend trip I made before making the decision to move up here. It's amazing how time has flown by since then!


Only one of us had been to Chicago's famous Superdawg Hot Dog Drive in stand, and so we went there today, grabbed some dawgs, and then kicked back and watched some episodes of Robot Chicken.

I have kept an eye on the power reports for Louisville, and can only hope that no news is good news, since I don't want to add an additional drain on electric resources. People know how to get ahold of me, I just hope they do, soon.

As for the job front, I am weary this week of the search. I couldn't find it in me to put in the 20-30 hours a week finding job postings, and replying. But, I think I can feel comfortable with a little lull based on the two pending interviews I had this week, both of which lasted nearly 2 hours, and while neither will make me rich, one position in particular has an EXCELLENT benefits package, a very laid back, but extremely productive work environment, and an amazing department manager.

This particular manager was the first person to really pick over my resume, and comment on my objective statement. This makes me feel good about the company as well, because it was a risk throwing out words like creativity, teamwork, and social responsibility. For the longest time, I didn't even have an objective statement on my resume, but figured if I was specific in the areas that mattered as far as office environment and work style, I could be more broad as it pertained to a specific position.

It is also nice to have some verified benchmarks for my wpm/keystroke speed. I had a very rough idea, but on an unfamiliar computer and under the pressure of a timed test, I averaged 67 words per minute with 99% accuracy, and 10,440 keystrokes per hour with 99% accuracy for the data entry portion. I was very very happy with those numbers, hehe.


As for the final decision being made by a chiropractic office I had interviewed for, I was informed the decision date was moved to Friday (yesterday) but didn't receive a call before the end of the day. I'll give them a call on Monday, but compared to the enthusiasm I received from the 2 interviews this week, the chiropractic enthusiasm seems lackluster at best. I am still thinking positively in all three aspects, but realistic to the nature of the job market as well.

Above all is the attempt to minimize financial stress. I am doing everything I can at the moment, holding off any big purchases, and paying what I can. Besides... like the Mastercard commercial says, you can't put a price tag on some experiences in life. I know I will look back, years from now, and be glad for this experience. The blog is so I can remember all the details in my old age!

New Breakfast Haunt

I had a quick not so successful interview today for a part time job, and so I hit the recommended Ann Sather restaurant before the weekend breakfast rush. Delicious! The cinnamon rolls had come strongly recommended, and I wasn't even able to make a large dent, so they are sitting on my table waiting for my next hunger pains. Something tells me it'll be a while before that time comes!

Happy Birthday to Me

Well... I'm almost no longer the birthday girl, but it wasn't a bad day, so that right there is cause for celebration!

Had a very strong interview this morning, followed by cupcakes and coffee at Intelligentsia, and a nice relaxing chat sitting outdoors in the beautiful sunshine. Dusty was absolutely thrilled with the car ride to the Lakefront park, and promptly wore himself out chasing after the squirrels and birds - Mission Accomplished! I enjoyed some Cold Stone which is free on your birthday, picked up some movies to watch. They'll have to wait until tomorrow; I can barely keep my eyes open as it is.

I did it!

As much as I was tempted to back out at the last minute, I went to the meeting earlier tonight for the Spades game. My team ended up winning both hands! Yay! we played for about 4 hours, and also took a little break to eat some chinese and just relax for a few minutes. It is a very relaxing feeling to be able to go out on the town without having to drive - I've hit my longest driving mark since I've come to the city. I haven't driven since I got home on Sunday evening - 4 days!!! And in that time I've been all over the city, explored the metra train, taken the el, buses, and walked to interviews, and a couple other destinations.

Just 9 more minutes until I ring in 25 years on Planet Earth. At least now I don't feel quite so bad at my current state of affairs - I've officially made some new friends!

Spades!

I have a group "date" tonight to play Spades with a Spades club here in Chicago. They originally had a meetup scheduled on saturday, but it got cancelled, and so they are rescheduling a smaller group to meet tonight at Driftwood Inn, about a mile from my house. I wasn't going to be able to make the Saturday meeting anyway since other birthday festivities are being planned, but they invited me to the meeting tonight, and I'm going!

I'm a little nervous, but I am glad I am doing this. The one thing I really regretted living in Louisville, and to a lesser extent in Rochester was not making an effort early on to make a new group of friends. I was part of the Rochester RATS group, but only met up with them once, and there was about 15 people playing a trivia game. It was a little overwhelming, so I think getting to meet 3 other people first, and then working my way up to the rescheduled meeting for Sunday will fit my comfort level enough to keep pushing it without bailing early because I got too overwhelmed. They seem excited to meet me... poor souls ! Just kidding, Just kidding.

Full Moon

As I laid down tonight, I had a great view of the full moon through my window. It was quite bright, lighting up the courtyard below the window. Maybe because of the full moon, Dusty was wide awake and pacing at 2:15 this morning, and so I have just gotten back inside from taking him out - that has seemed to do the trick after he's relieved himself, and seems to be settling back down.

My heart is heavy tonight ... I'm settling in here but the loose ends are what always take the longest to find resolution. It is hard to swallow the hurt of feeling taken for granted, and with no evidenced reciprocity of interest in the effort required to maintain a strong long distance friendship. Old patterns have quickly surfaced, but my willingness to go down this road again is held back by seeing the results of this road over the last several years, and I deserve so much better than that. Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me.

And yet the heart hears things that the mind does not, and refuses to extinguish a small ray of hope that I truly mean something to at least someone in this world... because it feels awfully lonely indeed if this is not the case. All I want is to be loved.

Aspirations

This is the first time since I was in high school where I have not been employed in some capacity, for this length of time. This gap has led me to several realizations, some of startled even me.

Walking to the Sears Tower for my interview, I was filled with what seemed anticipation - this could be the "IT" job: Successful company in sears tower + Downtown Chicago + Suit = SUCCESS. Except there was one small problem with that equation. I couldn't see myself being happy in that environment long term. With all the past employment choices, and this one in reality being no different since I still have bills to pay, I've been trying to narrow my choices from the myriad to those that could possibly offer more long term stability, both in employment and in meeting what I consider my happiness quotient.

While downtown is still certainly accessibly from my current housing location, I do not want the 10 hour working life. here, the job is not just the 8 hours on the job, but often includes an hour plus commute each way to work, making your day a minimum of 10 hours. Its not just a question of Dusty's physical comfort, but the fact that I am uncomfortable committing to this lifestyle while single, will be only that much more difficult when I do come across another relationship someday and hopefully have a family down the road. I don't want my job to define who I am ... I am Amy. Who happens to work at _____. The day your career becomes you is the day you will never be able to feel successful, for a career will always fail you. I just have to look at my employment track record to be reminded just how quickly your thoughts of security can be proven wrong.

Chicago = PIZZA!

Today was another day of firsts, as I tried some pizza from GINO'S EAST! Their crust is made using cornmeal, and has a different taste compared to Giordano's, another deep crust staple here. I liked it - would probably try some of their thin crust next time to compare.


Best part was having some Blue Moon on tap - another first!

The rain has finally ended after 3 days, and the flooding is being managed, with some major street closings and delays at the O'Hare Airport. I am glad to be above ground, and out of the flooding basement scenario. Makes it much easier to sleep at night.

I've been dwelling on some job/career related thoughts, as well as my need to remove myself from associations which are less than healthy and causing me to put myself in situations not in my best interest. I haven't quite articulated all of these thoughts yet, but as they come together they'll be included here as well.

Draw of water

(Picture I took of Sodus Bay on Lake Ontario, NY)




I have always been drawn to water... and in a way my moves across the country these last few years have always followed this pattern: First Lake Ontario in Rochester NY, where I lived walking distance to the lake and spent often 2-3 days a week walking along the beaches, listening to the call of the water. Even Louisville, KY had the Ohio River along its borders, and I literally worked on the water for the summer, and often got to work early (6:45am!!) just to have a few moments to stand at the waters edge. There is nothing like watching the sun come up over the horizon, its reflection mirroring off the water as the ball of fire came up over the bridges.

And now... I'm in the midst of Lake Michigan. I have not wandered down to the water from this apartment yet, as I feel like there is no rush. I know the cold will soon be upon us, and I remember the first time I stood on the edge of Lake Ontario in October fresh off the plane from Arizona. Bone chilled as the wind whipped through me, I was still ecstatic at the sight of the endless water. On the clear nights..... you could see the lights of Toronto off in the distance. It was like a long off calling, distant lands that tempted, if only you could walk across the water.

One of my favorite novels of all time is Kate Chopin's The Awakening, and one of the select quotes I have carried in memory for almost 10 years:

"The voice of the sea is seductive; never ceasing, whispering, clearing, murmuring, inviting the soul to wander for a spell in the abysses of solitude; to lose itself in mazes of inward contemplation. The voice of the sea speaks to the soul. The touch of the sea is sensuous, enfolding the body in its soft, close embrace."

Far From Home

When I parked after some errands last night, my spot ended up being behind a van for the Cambodian Buddhists. I had noticed earlier yesterday that a house across the street was putting up prayer flags, and this brought over such a wave of nostalgia.

Far much more than I can feel any magnetism driving by a church, these flags are so much simpler... and so much more on a personal level. I have come to love the Buddhists for their embrace of the responsibility of their own path. No one else can do it for you, or tell you what it is you must do to find what it is you seek ... and when you begin, sometimes it is unclear what it is you even seek!

I wish them any peace I can offer ... this world needs as much peace as we can each pull from within ourselves.

Missing my drum

Back in February I was part of a Native American drum crafting workshop, and thoroughly loved every minute of it. Taking to heart the true self journey that is part of this experience, I spent quite a while waiting for the right design to present itself to me. I forget when it happened, but this is what I started to sketch onto the drum, because of the yanta that it represents:

When focused upon, this yantra mandala brings us to the center of ourselves, and allows for self-love. By engaging in the act of self-love we are more able to love those around us. And by doing this, we are living in a more loving world. This symbol reminds us of the enormous chain reaction love can have. By just starting with a little love in the center (ourselves), we are able to dynamically affect the entire world.


From the craziness, the drum never made it with me on the move, and now I'm really feeling like the art of putting this on color (I had sketched out and done the main outlines) would really be a visual representation of what has been going on in my head and in my heart these last couple weeks. But, I am afraid of having it shipped out, due to the drumheads being so delicate. My best hope is that I can pick up the drum when I go back to KY in December.

simple things

Today was the first day I have managed to sleep past 7am, without waking up and then trying to fall back asleep. It took a few days, but I am glad I have an alarm clock ready for the working days to ensure my timely awakening.

Not much to report today... In limbo while waiting for some interview decisions to be made, although I was contacted for a part time position that actually fills in very nicely with the staggered schedule for one of the jobs, so I will be following up with them based on what news I hear back.

So instead I watched a movie, did more job searching, and just tried not to think about life in general for a while. Hope those on scattered edges are doing well... my thoughts go with you, even if sometimes the voice mails dont.

My Family

At the end of the day... this is the little man who gets to share my bed. or hog it, depending on how you look at it! This move has brought us back to the "mom n me" relationship we used to have, and I have re-established our house rules, which include Dusty trying to be cute to get his way.... case in point:

I wish I could see the stars

I will have to get used to all the city lights here drowning out the night sky. The stars used to be my window to dreams... a place where it seemed the grime of the day to day hadn't reach quite all the way.

and so instead.... I smile that exploding dog comics have taken a shining to including dogs, and this one pretty much sums things up:

12 Day Mark

So my time in the Windy City has almost reached 2 weeks. Today started out with a lot of promise. I had a call back interview for a medical office nearby, and found out that they had selected the top candidate in each of their 3 group interviews, and so I was one of their top three picks. I had a quick but informative interview with the Clinic Director, who took my references and will be making a decision by this time next week. This office is busy, but they did do a great job of getting back to me within a week of my last interview, so hopefully the 3rd time's the charm when they call, and I will be on my way back to employment very shortly.

The Sears Tower job ended up being a bust - I had given my bottom pay amount, and they were not willing to meet it. I can't afford to go any lower, and it was brought up that working in a bankruptcy law firm might not be the most positive of work environments. Very true. So, all of this went down before I was supposed to leave for my second interview with their hiring manager.

Because I was still bummed about this turn of events, I made plans for a late lunch date with a friend at Potbelly Sandwhich Works. It was my first time eating at this place, but I was very pleased. I got a cup of soup and a sandwich, and it was a great way to kick back for an hour and pretend that I wasn't so frustrated with the state of our economy right now.

Sears Tower Interview!

My interview today was on the 51st floor of the Sears Tower! The view from the reception room looked directly out onto Lake Michigan, where there was not a cloud in the sky, and the water was a deep deep blue.

The Attorney's office window had a view on the same wall but onto the harbor, which made for a very pleasant background to a very good interview.

I've been asked to come back tomorrow to meet with the Hiring Manager. I think I may need to make a shopping trip for a second pair of dress pants, as I think I should mix up my outfit if the interviews are a day after the other!

In other good news, tomorrow morning I also have a second call back interview for the Chiropractic clinic 4 blocks from my apartment. Tomorrow is a busy day!

Straw Bale Building

I'm so proud of Matt for everything he's done on this project!

CNN Videos still had the live interview they did in July at our house, so I am posting it here:

How I feel this Morning

Some Memories

Just a few last memories from Louisville, KY:


The View from my walk to work every morning:
(2nd St Bridge in Foreground, I-65 in background)



















Dusty Saying Goodbye to his Straw Bale:

Interviews

Today I have an interview at the Sears Tower. I've had several interviews downtown in the loop, but this is the first time In The Sears Tower. Its on the 51st floor. I've never been that high up in a building. Highest to date was the 28th floor of an apartment. *gulp* I'll be fine, but it'll be a memorable interview, that's for sure.


I'm slowly getting better at accepting responsibility for my state of mind. Yesterday I made a trip up to Peets Coffee in Evanston - one of the best coffee chains around, and one of my absolute favorites for whole bean coffee. Soooo aromatic! Yesterday was the first time I've had a cup of coffee since arriving in Chicago, and I came home and also made a pot of tea as the night got cooler.

I scored a deal on a Mountain Hardware polartex layering piece while waiting out the rain yesterday afternoon in an outdoors shop. Out here, you need all the warmth you can get!

The mornings as crisp... I feel like I'm back in New York where you don't want to wake up because the bed is so warm. I miss my bed. I'm not going to complain about what I have now because its light years from the air mattress last week, but I miss the queen size room to stretch out without either my head or my feet, or even both hanging out over the edge. I miss the beautiful gray frame that I fell in love with. The feeling that my bedroom was an oasis where once I went in, the problems of the day stayed below in the downstairs.

I miss waking up and having a nice, steaming hot cup of coffee placed in my hands and having someone to say good morning to. That quiet awareness of people living around you, everyone doing their own thing, but just the comfort that someone cares enough you're alive, breathing, and notices when you don't seem quite right. Amazing how easy it is to disguise this in interactions over the internet or even on the phone.

Social Norms

I am a loss right now of people in my life that can truly relate to what I am going through, or what my life has been like the last 5 years. There are virtually none of my older social circle who was even moved out of the Phoenix area, is not currently married, does not have kids, or has lived alone and away from their families.

For the ones I truly trust and consider close friends, this is not as much as a problem, as they interact with me enough on a regular basis to be sensitive to the trials, and relate as they can.

I am not sure what to feel. I don't know if I'm supposed to feel like something is wrong with me that I'm not in a permanent relationship when so many of my comparative peers have crossed that milestone. Or whether I'm searching for something out there that's only in my head that the majority of the world doesn't seem to see or feel its existence.

What I cannot deny, is the impact that my time in the above circumstances has had on my thought processes, my self identity, and my goals in life. I am in the process of realizing that I cannot use these milestones others seem to have as a marker for happiness, but I must find a way to be happy with myself whatever the circumstances. Thats right, I need to find a way to be happy while unemployed, broke, living in a strange city and alone.

ok, so I need to be happy. How do I go about that? Be OK with being alone. Ha! If the blog entries from the past week are any indication, I'm still a little bitter about this status. So that one needs more work.

But more than anything .... there is something out there so much bigger than the collective actions that make up our days, weeks, months, lives. For me it has become the connection to the world we live in and how to live each day maximizing that connection. And to silence out the distractions that relationships, jobs, families make on realizing and listening to what this really means. The best part comes when you can literally feel that connection warming you from within, a sense of comfort in this chaotic world.... an embrace of love.

Pictures

This blog needs Pictures. I know! I'm waiting to take pics of the place until I can grab a little power drill and finish my hangings of curtains and the spice rack. Right now the place looks like someone just moved in, so I should just take advantage of that for as long as I can, right??


It is very refreshing to have sunlight in the apartment, and yet I find myself wishing I had a little less light first thing in the morning. I can't really sleep well once the sun comes up; as a result, I've been waking up between 6:30-7 every morning. Back in the cave... I would sleep in till 9,10,11 if given the chance with the dark space. Can't have it all, I guess.

Baby Steps

I have officially been a Chicago resident for one week. It's still not quite sunk in, but if I made it through this first week, everything else is downhill from here. Whether I believe it or not!

This afternoon, a group of friends (I have friends here!!!! Wow!!!!) were kind enough to oblige my need for captioning in the movie theathre, so we went to go see Dark Knight, which had the closed caption teleprompter thingamagie. I was very very impressed with the movie, which kept you on your toes and didn't slow down!

The other big achievement was separation anxiety for both Dusty and I. By the time I dropped someone off, and then spent 15 mins trying to find a place to park on the street, it had been over 7 hours since I had walked out the door. Other than leaking a little as I hooked up the leash to run him downstairs, there was no accident waiting for me when I got home. Whew. The house wasn't torn up, and Dusty was very very excited to see me. All ready to play and everything!

There are times I throw back the thought of the freedom of no pets and being able to stay out all hours of the night, like the rest of the group is doing right now. But, I am the one living alone, and they are not. I would rather have the companionship for all the other hours except those few where I feel a little tied down. Who knows, maybe that feeling will persist, but I will deal with that when the time comes. I am learning to acknowledge my thoughts and worries, but not to dwell on them, or at least not to make decisions based on them until I have reached a more stable place of mind. I've got a couple more weeks, I think, before I can say I've arrived at that point.

and so in the dark, with the fan and the sound of Dusty contendly chewing on the bone in the background, I am winding down my day.

Involuntary Slow Down

Just about every place in the country by Arizona has weather systems... and I've got my first Chicago migraine. I'm glad I didn't have much planned for today, and I think that I'm going to combat it with some dinner, a bath, and some scrabble, if my eyes can hold out.

TGIF!

I've almost hit the one week mark living in Chicago. Progress!

The rain has passed, and now we have partly cloudy days on the forecast through the weekend, with temps hovering around in the 70s. Last night was a stressful one for 30 minutes while Dusty was being stubborn about the nightly ritual as it was POURING rain outside. After that 30 mins, I gave up, took him back inside and toweled him dry before letting him loose in the apartment. Luckily, there were no accidents, and we even slept in until 9:15a before going outside.

Today is going to be a little slower, no interviews but I desperately need to do laundry, and then its the wait for the delivery guys. This afternoon, I envision just kicking back with another movie, maybe a trip down to the post office to mail some Trader joe's contraband. There's a nice big post office just around the corner. I might even head down to Borders and just walk around inside for a few minutes, though there's not anything in there I honestly need.

It just keeps getting better

getting better, all the time! The Beatles sure knew how to belt out some tunes.

I had an interview with a finance temp staffing agency today, and the position they're filling is actually at UIC. I was very pleasantly surprised, and it turned out this position is one UIC ultimately wants to turn into a permanent position. That would be awesome news. I am not quite sure how I'd swing the part time thing, but I told them my min. pay requirements, and the recruiter said part time would be about 25 hrs. a week. It would be worth the juggle of 2 part time jobs to get my foot in the door at a place like that, though. I am thinking positive thoughts, and this week has been a very encouraging one in terms of responses to my job inquiries - the interview today was just set up yesterday, less than 24 hours ago!


Today after the interview I stopped by Trader joes to take advantage of the close location, and stumbled upon a winery called Argyle Winery. Since I live on a street with the same name, it seemed fitting to purchase the pinot noir as a house warming bottle. It was a little more than I had planned to spend a $23 for the bottle, but there was a shiraz on sale of $3.99, so I just got 2 bottles for $27 - not a bad deal at all! So I think this afternoon I'm going to put in a movie, and put my wine rack/bakers cart together. The temp's stayed down, its pouring rain out, and I am feeling settled in enough to tackle some tools. After the cart, I'll start with the spice rack in the kitchen, and putting up the photos from Kevin.

Mmmm.... I picked up some manchego cheese for my wine, I am glad that I waited to truly crack open anything and celebrate. At least today, I feel like I actually have something worth celebrating. And I forgot to buy some bandaids, but I did remember quarters for laundry and to get my cashier's check for october's rent. Just having that money in a check form was a huge weight - I am responsible, I am on my way to being able to consistently afford this place.

My bed is being delivered tomorrow! YAY!!! One last night on this air mattress, though I might keep it inflated as another place for dusty or someone to sit. If it's up against the wall with my roll pillow against the wall, it doesn't make a half bad couch, even if its really really low to the ground.

The other thing about the UIC job that just occured to me - with the winter session break, most likely the school will be shut down for the holidays and so hopefully there'd be no trouble taking time off to take dusty down to Louisville and then do the cruise this winter.

After I get my mental status all sorted out .. time to set some goals on the physical status. I love having these wooden floors, I just need to get my yoga mat out of my truck. I think I will make that my goal, to always have enough room to dance or do yoga, and then I think I'm going to start doing yoga in the morning to combat that negative energy.

Morning Apathy

I used to wake up in such a great mood... I need to find the magic that made that happen again.

I am sure part of it is my back protesting the continued sleep on an air mattress while I wait delivery of the futon style sofa bed *hopefully* tomorrow. and the other a small migraine from the weather system that is dropping rain on us right now. And, the fact that I haven't had a cup of coffee since the burnt coffee I had on the drive up to Chicago. Now that the heat has gone away for a day, I think I can turn on the gas stove and not be afraid to make a little heat, and make some coffee at some point today.

Yesterday dusty slept in till 10:15 or so before needing to go out. No such luck today. at 7:10 am, we were out walking in the rain taking care of business. I am too awake to try and go back to sleep, but I think I am going to finish the rest of my movie before starting the day.

Job Hunt

I haven't landed THE job yet, but I've made a goal today to try and at least have 1 interview per day. For this week, I had an interview Tues afternoon, one in 45 mins, and another tomorrow afternoon. Can't get the job if you're not out there. I'm also getting a chance to see the different neighborhoods, and have done some driving towards the north and west to get an idea just how far some places are - maps can be very deceiving, and I also don't want to waste my time if the neighborhood doesn't send the right vibe, as was the case with my interview yesterday.

I am feeling the most clearheaded today than I have any day so far. That is a sign of forward progress, I shall hope. if nothing else, even if the morning starts off shaky, I am trying very hard not to let that monopolize my mind set for the rest of the day. I've been waiting until 9-10am to do the meditations as a way of acknowledging my feelings at a given time, but then having a finite point in time in which I need to take all the negative energy and channel it instead towards something more positive and productive. My goal now is to continue the positive trend of good nights, and wean down the amount of negative thoughts I get overwhelmed with when my brain turns back on for the morning.

Meditation on Solitude

For the 3rd day in a row, I've picked the Solitude ritual out of a stack of shuffled cards. I think the Universe is sending me a not so subtle message!

But to capture the ritual of silence:

"All around you is a swirl of activity that never stops. Your commitments, as important as they may seem, become distractions if they fill up all the spaces of your life. Over time, this can lead to the belief that who you are is not enough, and that you need something more, different, or better to be happy.

The paradox is that the search for happiness outside yourself becomes a distraction that keeps you from the fulfillment you seek. To come back to a more balanced state of mind, you must discern who you are and what you want, as distinct from what others want you to be or have.

To know yourself, as many great teachers have suggested, you need time to be alone. In the silence of your own thoughts, your true self can be revealed. "

Slept through the night

Other than waking up once or twice of my own accord.... Dusty and I made it through the night without any major mishaps or incidents. I'm still naturally waking up before 7am so that feels a little early without having to rush to get ready to a job.

My thought upon waking up this morning was that I should have looked harder to try and find a roommate situation that would be appealing, but that is the loneliness and guilt talking. A roommate would be home possibly at times I was not to give Dusty some company, but I just came from living with someone who I love dearly, but I was itching for complete control of my space. I need to keep reinforcing and reminding myself of these kinds of things, for the moments when my resolve weakens and I start to wobble.

And its only 7:30, but the construction guys in the floor below me are already up and hammering away. I guess its a good thing I woke up before they forced me to.

Fear

I am scared to death right now of a lot of things. That I won't find a job, that I can't really afford to live in Chicago, that my dog will never adjust to living in a big city, and that I will always be alone. Fear can really be a great demoralizer and immobilizer. The worst of this came to a head yesterday night, and left me in tears while on the phone.

To conquer this ... means to face and understand. I have been using Dusty's slow adjustment to this move as a "sign" that I am hurting him, and that has caused me stress. And as a result.. he ISNT adjusting because he's picking up on my stress.

Today has been a much more productive day, despite being difficult. I left him alone for the first significant period of time - 3 hrs, while I attended a job interview. He survived. I survived. He is eating when I put him in the car and bring food with me, so I think its been the extreme heat this weekend that is killing everyone's appetite, including mine.

I have motivation again to have a plan and a goal - no more days of just listlessly staring around the empty space and feeling so incredibly lonely. The day goes by faster with things to do and limited wallowing time.

Alone

I haven't quite figured this out, but it occurred to me today that I was more comfortable being completely alone in a foreign country and foreign city, than I have felt in this town. In both cases, I was leaving the same place... but I think its the finality of this last leave that is what is hurting the most. I talk about Louisville being a necessary place for me to be to bring about the awareness of what is and is not going to make me happy. I am trying to remember if I felt this disoriented when I moved to New York 3 years ago. Granted, at that time I had nearly $4,000 in the bank and could afford not to stress about finding a job within the first 30 days of being here. Rent was less, lease was month to month... every step in the last years has been building up to a firm lease agreement, higher rent costs.

My other biggest worry is my dog. He is my family right now, and he is having a little bit of a rough time. Both times that he's eaten since we arrived in Chicago over 48 hours ago have been about 12pm each day, with a little bit of the food I had brought with me in the car hoping he would eat. He seems excited enough about going out on walks to do his thing, but he is having a little bit of sensory overload with the amount of dogs around. I was invited to bring him to a bbq, and that was a disaster. Lesson learned, and I owe a very very big thanks to the dudes who spent an hour getting my truck unlocked after I locked my keys and cellphone at said bbq. It was not my day.

I didn't intend to do so much writing when I created the blog today, but I think this has been very helpful in keeping a good balance.