Social Norms

I am a loss right now of people in my life that can truly relate to what I am going through, or what my life has been like the last 5 years. There are virtually none of my older social circle who was even moved out of the Phoenix area, is not currently married, does not have kids, or has lived alone and away from their families.

For the ones I truly trust and consider close friends, this is not as much as a problem, as they interact with me enough on a regular basis to be sensitive to the trials, and relate as they can.

I am not sure what to feel. I don't know if I'm supposed to feel like something is wrong with me that I'm not in a permanent relationship when so many of my comparative peers have crossed that milestone. Or whether I'm searching for something out there that's only in my head that the majority of the world doesn't seem to see or feel its existence.

What I cannot deny, is the impact that my time in the above circumstances has had on my thought processes, my self identity, and my goals in life. I am in the process of realizing that I cannot use these milestones others seem to have as a marker for happiness, but I must find a way to be happy with myself whatever the circumstances. Thats right, I need to find a way to be happy while unemployed, broke, living in a strange city and alone.

ok, so I need to be happy. How do I go about that? Be OK with being alone. Ha! If the blog entries from the past week are any indication, I'm still a little bitter about this status. So that one needs more work.

But more than anything .... there is something out there so much bigger than the collective actions that make up our days, weeks, months, lives. For me it has become the connection to the world we live in and how to live each day maximizing that connection. And to silence out the distractions that relationships, jobs, families make on realizing and listening to what this really means. The best part comes when you can literally feel that connection warming you from within, a sense of comfort in this chaotic world.... an embrace of love.