For the last month or so ... pieces of my life from the last decade have started to intersect my current life. I'm not actively seeking them in any way, but I find myself surrounded by them. There's really not a way right now to avoid them without changing my patterns.  I didn't do anything to set this occurrence to start, so I'm hesitant to just skip out. 

I've done a pretty good job of avoiding the biological clock with my female friends. My current life resembles theirs in no way. My plans and activities don't even have the same palette of choices, so it makes wishful thinking kind of moot. 

But these pieces are making the "What If" part of my brain think. And ache a little. What if that high school sweetheart had stayed around... would the  married with a baby life he's  talking about have me in it instead? I'm glad we're sort of casual friends now, but I keep our topics on safe things. Its not his fault life took him somewhere else.. I just wish wish the salt wasn't going in the wound too.  But no real way to tactfully address this as all the talk is in mixed company. 

I can feel the beginning signs of SADD. I am just wanting to come home and shut away from the world... at the same time I want people to reach out to ME. To have my phone or email or even IM go off just once in a while... someone out there telling me I crossed their mind. I know how it feels to want that and so I try to initiate it myself too. 

I wrote Matt and Rebecca each a christmas Card. and as much as I want to send it .... something is keeping me from putting the stamp on them. Maybe its because I want him to have to remember that I'm here. That as much as he tries to pretend that I never touched his life.. he and Rebecca both touched mine. And I will never be the same... for good or bad. 

But what good would come out of that? He's had my number.. he has my email address. Since the text message he sent on the 1 year anniversary of leaving from Kentucky, there has been absolute silence, of every kind. So I think I know that this card would just be wishful thinking... I'd be watching the mailbox for days hoping something might come in return. And deep down... knowing it never will. 

New Apartment!

No pictures at the moment, but I'm moving. Again. Just across the city line into Evanston.

More than anything with this particular move, I feel like I found a HOME. I was standing in the apartment, which is on the second floor in an older house that has been converted into a quadplex.

I appreciate the small things. Simply having a separate bedroom is fantastic beyond words.

The closets don't have doors, but I can come up with curtains, or maybe use this as a chance to make my own.

I want to hang up my art pieces, and feel the liberty of having non white walls. I was given the OK to pick a paint color! Whoo!!

Since I don't have to put down a security deposit, I am hopefully going to use my bonus and tax return to pay some bills down, but also get a nice couch. Doesn't neccessarily have to be brand new, but the one I have now just isn't really the comfortable, don't want to have to move it if I can avoid it.

Daylight Savings

Due to the shift back... I now see the twilight on my walk home. Snapped these as I was walking along the beach, as always...

Sunnier Places

With all the gloom and doom in Chicago this week... I'm thinking of sunnier places.

At the moment, I'd rather be here.....

Familiar Faces

I tend to take the 6:53am bus or the 7:12am bus to work. After a while, I started to recognize the drivers, and some of the frequent passengers on each route. 

I recognize the workers at Jamba Juice, and the one who remembers my name even though I only come in about once a month. 

The cashier at 7-11 says good morning and smiles just a little when I come into the store for my coffee. I smile back... and he's usually got my order almost rung up before I get to the counter. He is usually just checking to see whether I added any bottled water or juice to my coffee and breakfast choice. 

Sonny's recognizes me if its the owner of the store... I'm usually running in for either extra butter or dairy I don't normally keep on hand but need for banking, or to hit the ATM. He asks me what I'm baking now. 

The facilities guy at our office building is usually unlocking the swivel doors about the time I get there. Sometimes we cross the street together if he's gone across for a newspaper. 

I wonder if they ever notice me too... 

Music in words

Guy De Maupassant is genius. No one seems to write they way they used to, back in the 1800's.

An excerpt from Solitude, which is one of my favorite of his short stories:

“Do you know of anything more horrifying than this constant close contact with people that we can’t know? We love one another as if we were bound together by chains, we’re close, but we stretch our arms out and we can’t touch. We’re in the grip of a tortuous need of union, but our efforts are sterile, our pleasures useless, our secrets bear no fruit, our grasps impotent, our caresses in vain. When we want to get together, we just hurtle toward another person and then collide.“

I never feel as alone as I do when I bare my soul to some friend, because it’s then that I best understand the unbreakable barrier. There he is, a man; I see that his eyes are looking at me; but his soul, behind those eyes, I don’t have the slightest notion of it. He listens. What is he thinking? Do you understand this torment? Maybe he hates me. Or feels contempt for me, or is laughing at me? He’s thinking about what I say, he judges me, he’s scoffing at me, he condemns me, he decides I’m mediocre, or stupid. What’s he thinking? If I like him, does he like me? Just what’s going on in that little round head? The thoughts of someone else are so mysterious, those hidden thoughts. They’re free; they’re thoughts we can never know, never control, never dominate, never conquer!“

And me, as much as I’d love to give of myself entirely, open all the doors of my being, I can’t. In the deepest part of my soul, there’s a section that no one can ever know. No one can ever discover it, no one can get inside, because no one is like me, because no one understands anyone.

I have an 1892 Printed dated, leather bound book of his 10 volumes of short stories. I think this book is one of the most tangible full sensory experiences I have ever head. It intrigues every sense when I pick up and read these stories.

My thoughts Exactly

Vacation in review

I am still holding off on going through my pictures... I want to savor the memories and sometimes doing the editing right away, you remember taking the photo, and so do not explore it as you should.


I've had a lot of things to make me smile the last couple days. Some were in places that caught me off guard. Sometimes those are the best kind.

And I've found myself starting to spell things with the Canadian/English connotations instead of the American. I think it looks prettier too.

Beach Day!

It blew my mind that on such a gorgeous day, I had the pebble/rock beach to myself.

Day 1: Hiking!

The original forecast called for rain for most if not all of my trip. How pleasantly suprised I am to not see a single drop as of yet. I know better than to take it for granted, so today didn't any of the things I contemplated yesterday.

I drove across Lion's Gate Bridge and went to Lighthouse Park in West Vancouver, and then the other direction to Lynn Canyon. I was so glad to be back on a *true* trail, and I decided to hit these places today before the weekend crowd came and it was packed. Both parks had minimal visitors, so I was able to amble around at my own pace and look in every nook and cranny as I usually do.

In both places I found a rock and just chilled. In Lighthouse Park, it was on the edge of East Beach, overlooking Downtown Vancouver, UBC/Endowment Lands, and the Lions Gate Bridge. At Lynn Canyon I found a rock in the middle of the river.

Best of all.. stopped for lunch at Port Royal. There was a cupcake shop in the shopping plaza, and they had candles! I had a red velvet cupcake with a red candle. Happy Birthday to me!

On Vacation

I am really learning how much I savor my independence. I've definitely lost a lot of my inhibitions about exploring new things.

Tonight, I walked about 7.6 km just around the downtown area, parts of gastown, and then out in the West End towards Stanley park. I have a semi-budget and I didn't want to blow all my money eating out every night without researching first. Tonight I wanted to just relax after I got out since I am currently running on about 1.5 hours of sleep for the last 48 hours. Plus work. Plus travel.

I bought a Malbec and stopped into a local deli for some goat cheese and a fresh baguette loaf. Best Dinner. Ever. Turned on some Simpsons. I am so easy to please!

I was originally planning to go to UBC tomorrow, but I remembered back from my grad days no one is ever on campus on Fridays(at least faculty/grad students) and if they are, they're seriously trying to get work done instead of answer questions from me after they didn't respond to my emails. So I think I will bump that to Monday instead. I am debating whether to do Stanley park tomorrow, or do the drive to Squamish via Lynn Canyon and the Sea to Sky Highway. part of that will depend on how plans firm up for Saturday/Sunday. I am definitely looking forward!!!! My black dress is to DIE for. I love putting it on.

I am glad I know what I need to REALLY take time and relax. I have made myself dress up for the evenings when I go out, even if I'm just wandering. It meant packing a little more, but there's just a different feeling not being so grungy. Chicago has definitely had a positive affect on my fashion sense, whether I want to admit it or not.

Checklist

Bed Flop Face first... Check.

Bubble Bath... Check

Big Fluffy towel.... Check

Favorite CD of the moment playing .... triple check.

Yep. I'm on Vacation!!!!!!

1 Year

Today is my one year anniversary of leaving for Chicago.

The last nail in the coffin hit today. My heart is sad. It really sucks to see that adults 20 years older than me can't actually act like adults and be grown-up about relationships. I don't always believe it .. but I need to continue to surround myself instead with people who can handle relationships with a mediocre level of maturity


As a friend said... Happy Independence Day. I wonder if the occasion warrants fireworks or not.

A Nice Surprise

I spent the afternoon at my first ever Cubs Game! My boss came into my office around lunch time, and asked if I was really busy. I first I was thinking to myself, is she really that obtuse? I KNOW she knows we're busy. So I give the noncomittal "Its working but its under control". Then she puts a piece of paper in my hand and says she'll be driving and that she's leaving in about 30 minutes.

When I look down, the paper is a tickets for the Chicago Cubs Game. That starts in one hour! Whoa!!!!

The picture was taken with my phone from where I was sitting. We were guests of Aon, since the insurance provider for our members was having their yearly (or something frequently) meeting, and had taken out the directors and other directly involved with the insurance process. It was an absolutely fantastic, completely unexpected surprise. I told my boss thank you for thinking of me.

And now its time to make snickerdoodles, because I get to see LAUREN!!!!! She's in town for the weekend and my anam cara and a group of us are meeting up for dinner tomorrow night. I will NOT forget my camera.

Flying Ducks and other news

Some things can only happen to me, apparently!

Great example. I was walking home one day last week, and discovered one of the dozens of nursing homes in my area has a pet duck. I was made aware of this fact as I was walking past/below their 2nd floor patio, where the duck has a coop in the corner. He must have thought Lake Michigan looked more appealing than his little pond. Who can blame him? He was trying to make an escape as I was directly underneath. My head was in the way as he teetered then came over the fence towards the ground. Eeek!

I was a little startled to say the least, and a few staff people came rushing down to corral him back inside. It happened so quickly it felt like one of those half surreal moments that you couldn't have dreamed up if you tried. Then I put my ipod on the Beatles to regain my sesnses to 8 Days a Week.

Miss you Gramma

I didn't realize how much I had really come to love my monthly roadtrips to MN until the main reason for them was taken out of my life. Miss you gramma, but so happy you are no longer in pain, and alone.

Coming back from the funeral was a big turning point for me, now that I have a month to look back on. I stopped living for work, for one. I get my butt outta the office by 5:30, and take a walk home along the lake. I get out of my place on the weekends and try to find someplace new to explore every week. And I make sure to give myself a break now and then, and just take it easy.

random stuff

Some guy was walking by me on the sidewalk earlier today. He was tucking back his jacket the same way people do in movies when they're giving the not so subtle hint they've got a gun holster on their hip, or they're showing a law badge. This guy... he was saying "Back off, I've got a Shiny Blue Walkman, YO!".

Its very windy today.

I had someone tell me today that I had so much positive energy that they felt they just had to stop me and talk to me. Turns out they were a massage therapist... we chitchatted for a sec, I gave me card, and the guy was having some issues with IL MT licensing laws and so I told him to check the website. When he walked away ... he said "the wind loves your smile".

Irish cream in coffee is more than my normal level of sweetness, but it is quite yummy at the moment.

The Ugly Truth was a good mindless 2 hours of easy laughs, but a few things got my attention. Blogging more about that somewhere else.

Its August 1. Happy early birthday, M. Your 18th surprise party will always be one of the most favorite I've thrown. I'll never forget the look of pure surprise, and how long we were able to keep you fooled.

I've started looking just about everyone in the eye and smiling as I've passed them on the sidewalk. Haven't really gotten many responses, but that's not why I'm doing it. And part of the problem in terms of responses is that I'm at the intersection of Broadway/Aldine/Halstead on Halstead Market Day. Enough said.

you never know

You never know what your interactions with other people mean to them.

I've been in my current building 6 months. My neighbor beneath me is infatuated with my dog, which overall is a tolerable thing since it means she doesn't get upset and the dog related noises that come from living on the 3rd floor above her.

She's in her 60's or 70's I'm not really sure. All of her family is dead, and she is always alone any time I see her. Today, she told me that she had breast cancer in the past, along with a mass in her uterus and so has had lumpectomies and a hysterectomy. Her cancer has come back. She is refusing chemo and radiation.

What was the point of her telling me all this?

She asked if I would spread her ashes somewhere in the natural wilderness that Dusty and I enjoy. Since I have to pass by her door every time i go up or down the stairs, we cross paths occasionally, and Dusty loves anyone who gives him genuine attention. This request came as a complete shock to me, but in a way it is a very humbling feeling. Living alone and being single... I have learned that what I really want in my life is a witness to my human experience. In most cases, you don't find someone willing to venture in your life journey to that degree unless they are a significant other. So, in most cases the two situations are linked together as causal.

This gave me a lot to think about as I walked 9 miles this afternoon.

25 miles and rockin!

I added up my pure exercise miles from last week - namely walking home from work every day last week, and then also a walk last Sun and a major walk yesterday. My total from Sun- Sat was 25.1 miles! I am so proud of myself. I have learned that in order to be able to stick to my goals, I need to make it something that is part of my daily routine. By walking home, I've also committed to leaving the office at a decent time. I am getting in a little earlier from time to time, but I know that the day will usually be over by about 6.

Now is the next step, to keep building off that. I am noticing that my time for the walk got slightly shorter by the time Friday rolled around. The next step will probably be strength training and exercises at home. Slowly but surely...

Insight

I did a little thinking why I've been feeling so emotional even with a good diet and lots of exercise. Then I realized that it was right after I got back from 4th of July in Chicago last year that I seriously considered the idea of moving here. It took from July to September to get all the pieces in place, but July was the month I started looking at apartments and jobs, and the 2nd weekend in August was when I went up for interviews and the peds in the weeds picnic. 3 weeks later, I was moving here for good.

I didn't know what to expect coming here, even after having moved two other times in two other states. This move has definitely taken the largest toll on me, both physically, emotionally, financially, and mentally. I've lived with things I never thought I could stand, and without things I once thought were necessities. I've learned I'm stronger than I think I am, even if I don't have all the answers or know what is coming next. All I know is I'll still be here despite it all.

the 4th

This year's 4th is light years different than last year. Last year, I was at a family bbq with friends, good food, beer, and my first ever fireworks.

This year... I went to a movie by myself, had a pita at the mall, and went to the used bookstore. The small local theatre by me reopened on Wed, and their movies are $5 including tax. Can't be that nowadays. I saw The Hangover, easy laughs without having to think too much.

I found it ironic after I got dressed that I'm wearing the same shirt as I did last year on this day. Same shirt, different ways the day played out.

Sad news.... my parents got home from their drive from MN to find one of our dogs had died outside between the time my sis left to go hiking and the time they got home a few hours later. Poor Amos :(

Catching up

Last week was one that I'll never forget. I still feel like I'm four steps behind everyone today, but the aching hole that we all felt on Friday and Saturday has been softened with family time, laughs, and good memories.

I will forever cherish Gramma's recipe books and baking pieces that hold so many memories. I don't even want to bake, I just want to read the recipes and see her in my mind.

Goodbye Gramma

Gramma passed away this morning at 12:30am.

The sun is coming up over the lake at the horizon, but the sky is bringing down the rain. This a pretty good way to describe how things feel right now.

I know better than to try and work myself through the day, so just going in to tie up loose ends, put in my notice for bereavement leave, then come home and pack. I need to also get some sleep before I drive 8 hrs... last night was negligible.

Achy Breaky Heart

So it seems I spoke too soon about getting a good night's sleep. I am wide wide awake with a brain that is churning and a heart that is feeling a little more broken than it has in the past.

About a week ago, I was reading through some of my first entries upon arriving in Chicago. It was nice to see that some things have changed, some of stayed the same, and some surprised me. Tonight my big question is why am I always the one who seems to have to let go .... it seemed like a betrayal to my own feelings to work at being genuinely happy that someone I love very much has found happiness, even if it is not with me. Even though I know that us together was not the healthiest thing for us both in the long term, it doesn't change how I feel. Even after all this time, and no consistent contact and now not seeing him for the longest time ever in 4 years, I miss the way he could make me smile about the smallest things, or coming home and just knowing that he'd thought about me during the day.

I have been working really hard on figuring myself out. I've gotten over the job hurdle and what I really want my work/life balance to look like. I've started holding myself accountable again for my health and exercise. I've made conscious efforts to make new friends, even if as I make them they are having to turn into virtual friends. I've had to work on healing the broken heart that was ripped apart by my final decision to leave, and then having to piece it back together on my own.

I am not a person who loves lightly. It takes a strong friendship first before I even become interested, and that means that I become emotionally invested. It would probably also explain the friendships that remain after the slow transition of relationships is completed.

Just sometimes... there are nights like this where the bed just seems too big. Where all I would love is just the comfortable companionship of going about your day knowing that at least one person just can't wait to talk to you.... just to hear your voice.

Blissful Sunshine

I just added up my miles for today - a little over 8.5 Miles!!! Whee. No wonder my feet hurt just a little bit, since I was wearing my Teva sandals instead of tennis shoes.

It feels good to have soaked up some high quality sunshine. Today was in the low 70's for a high, but not a cloud in sight. Did some mini golf, loads and loads of walking, and now I am just content to sit and relax for the rest of the evening. I am going to sleep GOOD tonight!

Comiskey Field ... not

Got my first taste of the previously known as Comiskey field today for an attempt at a White Sox game. The game was delayed out due to rain, but definitely still worth the trip for the good company and atmosphere. I was hearing a lot from folks more familiar with both Wrigley and Comiskey that the renaming took the $68 million from US Cellular and put it all back into the stadium for updates and repairs. That was cool to hear. I'll have to get a Wrigley experience in soon to make my own comparison.

In other news... the "Swine Flu" has hit my office. A coworker (HR won't release a name, but I've got my guess) has been officially diagnosed, and it's still business as usual with the sick folk out recovering and heightened sanitary reminders in place. Gotta love germ phobia.

Moment of Truth

With all the stress of extra work lately, I have not been as diligent about what I have been putting in my mouth as I know I should be. I've managed to keep up a decent amount of exercise between not having the car and taking 3-5 mile walks on the weekend days. But, the emotional strings are getting tugged a little more often lately, and that is especially when I know I have a tendency to just eat for the sake of having something to *do*.

So I'm back on Weight Watchers before it really becomes an issue. Having the points and portions reminder is what has worked for me in past. So there, I've committed myself somewhere other than my brain.

and on a completely seperate note, it is soooo obvious when romantic movies are directed by a woman. The Wedding Date is on right now, and its the small things like panning the camera with them rubbing feet while otherwise occupied. I looked on IMDB because I wasn't 100% sure, but I was right!

Healing

May 22 came and went this year without as much anguish as previous years. RIP Sam I am.

As I told a dear dear friend about 2 months ago, I'll forgive myself one day. For now, I'm not continuing to inflict more guilt. Dusty has been my saviour and my salve in so many ways...

Season Mixup

I just shut the windows, pulled on my snuggle socks, and made some tea. Oh, and then I looked at the calendar and saw that it says June. Anyone from AZ still unmelted?

Calm after the storm

I had a friend from AZ visiting last week, so any spare time I had immediately disappeared, including time to update the good ol' blog. One of our places we hit was Navy Pier and Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. I do not have a seafood friend in Chicago, so it was very nice to each eat nearly a pound of shrimp! Yum!!!

Good news, gramma is doing OK. She's still needing help strength wise to stand up and walk, but she seems to be comfortable in the nursing home and relatively pain free. I am waiting for my cash flow to build back up again so I can see about making another road trip out either at the end of June or beginning of July. My only worry is that rental cars continue to get more expensive as the summer goes on. Hopefully Hertz is realizing I may become a frequent customer and is willing to cut me a deal.

New Stove!

I came back from Minnesota on Tuesday full of baked goodies - Pumpkin Bread, Bourbon Pecan Pie, and Snickerdoodle cookies. On Wednesday, I was talking to my boss and mentioned in passing my problems with my oven. She became very concerned that my pilot light was not staying lit, and that gas was leaking. I followed her advice when I got home and called my landlord, and got the gas shut off until he could check out the stove this morning. My boss was correct, and when I came home from work for the second time today, I had a brand spanking new stove waiting for me! I am so giddy I can't decide whether to name it or not. Yes, who else do you know even contemplates naming their stove. I'm nuts.

My Surreal Life

So a few weird things happened today.

I made a scrumptious pie last night. This morning, I accidentally ran over it and the tupperware container it was in. Miraculously, the pie survived almost completely unscathed -just a little of the crust crumbled on one side!

I accidentally dropped my phone in dusty's water glass in the car on the way back from Lanesboro. My phone is not almost royally fritzed out, though it did let me send a text message and say goodbye to my dearest Lauren before she leaves Chicago on Thursday. I am not complaining about that at all!!

And now... I had some cookies and milk. It felt like the only way I could possibly end a day that felt more like a dream than real. Now I just better now see a mouse come around and start talking to me. The cookies are MINE!

From Every Storm Comes a Rainbow

I just got back from 3 days at the hospital with Grandma. She has had a wonderful life, and is still hanging on. I'm still numb and processing all the events of the past few days, but this picture speaks for what my heart cannot.

Food for Thought

“The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend.”

Henri Bergson

My Garden

New Blog

I started a separate blog since I really feel compelled to speak up as an advocate for those who see life in a different way as a result of hearing loss, but also not from a "woe is me, I'm deaf" perspective. Up until Thursday night of this week, I had not met another at least 50% or more deaf person who is able to function and interact in "normal" society. It can be extremely lonely at times.

Ignorance is uncompassionate at times. So this is my way to give yet another glimpse into my world, but also provide information for those curious about deafness, deaf culture, resources, and anything else that comes up. Feel free to submit questions and I'll happily address them.

Link to new blog: My Life in Mono

Thanks for continuing to read!

The View ...

This was the view from my brand spankin new office today. Yes, I was in the office at 7:30am on a Saturday. At least it was pretty!

Night out

So I don't normally go out till 1am on a work night, but last night warranted it, and it was PHENOMENAL. Anyone who hasn't listened to my advice and checked out Andy Wagner (http://www.rockproper.com/) and http://www.andywagner.net/ is seriously missing out. Always a great performer, great voice, and awesome friend. Last night at the Heartland Cafe was no less fun!

With all my stress lately, this is exactly what I needed. We made a pact to not talk about work, and would be constantly cutting each other off if we started it. At 1am we decided to finally bail the bar, and my Taxi Sweet spot continues! So far that is 4 people I have been able to hail a cab for almost instantly, including myself this morning because I was dragging a little getting out of the house.

They remembered my name!

I go to Jamba Juice as I'm walking from the train to my office maybe once every 1-2 weeks. Today, I went in and the gal remembered my name BEFORE I handed her my debit card. This totally made my day! I need to go back tomorrow and bring cash this time, so I can give her a nice tip.

New Thing to See!

I think I almost need to make a list of the Chicago things I would like to do and start crossing them off. When I actually have a life and am not working 6 days a week. I am trying to challenge myself to find free or cheap things to do that I learn something about the city. I found one!

The McCormick Bridge House museum at Wacker and Michigan Ave has $3 admission for its small museum, and you can pay a little extra to be in the gear room and see the bridge lift for the sail boats. I am totally doing this some time this summer!

CANADA!

I just traded in allll my airline points for an airline ticket to Vancouver for a week in September. Cheapest international round trip flight ever- $132!!!

Happy Birthday to me! With the promotion and new department I don't feel comfortable taking off for a significant chunk of time before then, so this will give me something to look forward and count down to. I don't think I could ask for a better birthday present than a dinner date with a guy who's one of the hottest people I know, both inside and out. mmmMMMMmm. Seriously, there's gotta be something in the water.



and yay for Canucks vs Blackhawk hockey rivalry. I am so wanting to try Yuengling now...

Interesting Dream

I always hate when I have dreams that I cannot remember the following morning. Today when I woke up it started that way, but somehow subconsciously I started going into my Kitchen cabinets and pulling out all the pots and pans. I have no idea what I was looking for!?!!

But now I have nice, fresh, belly filling coffee and I am contemplating giving Dusty an actual walk this morning before work instead of the normal dash to the tree and back before work.

Corner Office

So its Finally Official! I was offered and accepted a promotion to Manager (2 rungs up the ladder at our company) at work today that has been in the works for 2 weeks. I am PSYCHED!

I'll have a few direct reports, but its a new position/department restructure so there's still some spots I have to hire for, probably at the end of May once our database switch is over.

I'll be moving into my old manager's corner office, which has walls of windows facing North-West and North. Lakeviews, baby!

And definitely definitely cannot complain with the raise/compensation package. I don't know if I even know what to do with 4 weeks of vacation.

Running on Empty

My life needs more than 12 hour days followed by an hour, then sleep, and another 12 hour day. Rinse. wash. Repeat.

I want nothing more right now than a friend to be a friend and just give me a hug or a phone call or something so that I feel like all this work I'm doing is actually noticed and appreciated. Without me being the one to put in all the work to stay in contact with people, they drop like flies.

So I guess its been good to learn who my real friends are.

8 Days a week

Wouldn't I love to have an extra day in the week! Since about the middle of March, my life has been more or less consumed with putting in a lot of long hours and brainpower at work. But, the dividends of this labor is more than just overtime. There have been a lot of new developments in the last 2 weeks, and I am at the cusp of some very exciting news. Change is A Comin!

Words can't express

When you look into the eyes of another person and can see in them the fire for life and passion, I feel like I'm home. These people are few and far between in my life, but I'm not taking any moment with them for granted.

Slowly but surely... I don't feel like I'm so alone anymore. I am responsible for my own happiness, but there is something about knowing you leave a positive mark on someone else's life... no matter how small. That is my reason for living.... and my happiness is independent of whether the feelings are returned. When I found out that this is what real, true, gritty love is, it brought me to my knees. I had to re-evaluate my world and everything I believed in, to understand how to accept this idea and truly live it.

This entry may not make much sense to the head... but it makes perfect sense to my heart. I need more of these moments. The stresses and small irritations of life fall away... and every leaf on the ground becomes captivating.

Making the Best of It

I've already written in the past about the situation with my grandmother, and this weekend was bittersweet. I did the whirlwind weekend roadtrip to spend Easter Sunday with her and my MN family, as well as my mom who flew out for the weekend. I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving, and there have been some definite physical differences. Her hair fell out from chemo, she's been losing about 5 lbs a month since she started chemo in January, on top of the weight she lost when she first starting feeling ill last summer.

But more than physical deterioration ... she's tired. Her spirit is tired, her eyes are tired. They don't light up when the latest round of neighborhood gossip gets tossed around the table. I don't worry about her overdoing it too much because she seems to know her physical limits better now. The flip side of that is what it actually takes to get her to slow down. Pain that is beyond disguise and ignoring.

I'm hoping this isn't the last time I'll have a chance to see her before I can take some vacation in June. I made a big point to reinforce my favorite memories of her by baking this weekend while I was there. It was easier to take out the "sick" gramma and replace it with the one I know and love. She was inspecting the cookies, always showing me how to do it better, and dipping in her pinky finger to make sure frostings and batter were spot on. I'm gonna miss her.

Yummy Coffee Cake

I played Kung Fu Ninja with my oven last night. I've finally gotten in leveled, and managed to bake a presentable (but still not 100% perfect) coffee cake that I brought to work today.

I love it when people complain that it was all gone before they had a chance to go back for seconds. And every email/person stopping by said it was very Yummy. Its like magic - the official recipe name is Yummy Coffee Cake.

I Rock. Now I just need to actually get my oven fixed instead of finding working arounds. In this case I had it on low until the fire alarm went off, and then I shut the oven off and let it keep cooking with the heat that had built up inside the oven.

And Dave is coming to town tomorrow. I'm Excited!

Let there be sound!

I have the new aid.

My mono headphone showed up yesterday too.

I am in audio heaven!

Just gotta wait out the adjusting brain migraine for the week and then I should be all set.


I'm drinking some tea and getting into my work groove, and I have fallen in love with plain white tea all over again. Why do people insist on ruining good tea by making it part of so many fruity combos?

Exploring the City

My adventure yesterday took me to the streets of Lincoln Park and past DePaul University.

It really is so interesting to feel the different flavors of the neighborhoods. I spent yesterday walking on North, Clyborne, Ashland, and Fullerton. I covered about 3 miles on foot, and was slightly surprised that my mental picture of Lincoln park was slightly different than reality. Maybe I picked bad roads (read: major car thoroughfares) but I had envisioned Lincoln park to be a grittier version of lakeview, which I have spent more time in. In a way I was right, but at the same time it didn't feel as "close" as some of the other neighborhoods, especially Lakeview. It did have many local daily trip places in nearby walking, but I think I need another trip and a venture starting from a more neighborhood centric point.

It was a great view of downtown waiting at the Fullerton stop. I didn't have my camera with me, but I am planning to carry that more frequently just to be able to snap things as I see them, instead of trying to plan a dog walk in that area so I remember to take my camera and go back again.

Dusty loves his new exotic treats, and was more than happily entertained for at least an hour, munching away in the corner. Spoiled little furball!

Dusty the Exotic Eater

Having a dog who loves to chew chew chew, I've been at a loss for rawhide/chewing options now that his food allergy has thrown out all conventional forms (beef, chicken, turkey, lamb).

Thanks to my very awesome and hawt vet Dr. Ball, I've been referred to UrbAnimal, a whole/natural pet food store at the edge of Edgewater and Rogers Park. They have such delicacies as Kangaroo leg bones, and Buffalo and Salmon treats. Dusty's got it good.

Starting to Care

Depression is your worst enemy, because it knows you so well its easy to believe nothing's wrong. And it usually builds up so slowly, you don't realize its had you in its grips until you don't always care whether or not you need to fight free.

For me, my physical appearance was one of the most affected. About a month ago, I started to wear makeup again on a daily basis, for myself. It was amazing the amount of compliments I got on really minimal application. Then slowly I got more creative with my wardrobe, spending a few extra seconds to maybe change out my necklace for a different one, or wear a specific pair of shoes.

A week ago, I made a conscious effort to at least pretend to enjoy clothes shopping, and put together an outfit that was springlike. I took the risk buying pink shoes as another step towards trying to break out of the "why change I'm comfortable" funk. I've been getting compliments on my outfits for the first time in a long time. While its not the ultimate reason I'm doing it, its reaffirming that taking care of yourself also means giving support to all parts of you.

I'm still working on the weight loss end, but trying to do it as realistically as possible. Selling the car was more than a financial decision, it was a lifestyle change. Slowly but surely...

Its that Time Again

I have ordered my new hearing aid. Whoo hoo. It is amazing how much the technology has changed in the last 5 years. Granted, the price has stayed the same, but oh well.

I've already been through so many colors/styles for the shell, so I was pleasantly surprised to find one that was relatively neutral but still had a little personal twist. So now, I will always have a piece of African Savannah!

This is the start of a busy crunch time for me at work, but I am awake and ready: Bring it ON! I didn't get as much sleep as I would have liked, and its been a while since I've laid awake at 2am just staring at the ceiling. Hopefully it is over, and I can go back to being ultra productive.

On the truck free front - I walked almost 4 miles on Friday in between my appointments and social contractions. I am proud of myself! The hardest part is being patient that it takes more time to walk. I have gotten better at estimating my arrival time, and that is helping.

Happy Spring!

I am slowly being taken over to the "style" side... Spring Is Here!

Never mind that the temperatures are actually in the 30's and 40's and it was very chilly today.

And it wouldn't be spring without some color - I know own my first pair of VERY pink shoes!


And no beth, you can't borrow them.. but it doesn't matter since you're in AZ and I'm here :D

Free Friday!

well, not completely. I've got the obligatory medical attentions to appease this morning, but I wasn't as organized about getting other things for the day scheduled when I would have liked them.

So, I am spending this afternoon as a stress decompress, and going to replace a pair of pants that have gone beyond their shelf life, run errands, etc. and the best part - hit up the library, and another set by Andy Wagner at The Hideout. Seriously, if by now you haven't checked out www.rockproper.com to get a full, high quality download of his newest album, I don't know why I'm still talking to you! :)

Now going on week 2 of being completely car ownership free. It hasn't been a difficult switch, except for the days where I need ( ok ok WANT) to go places a little out of the convenience of direct cta access. But, I'm still for the most part getting where I want to.

Now on to new digital toy shopping - a new hearing aid! I think i should be able to trump out any digital junkies. They get to buy more stuff for the amount I have to shell out for an aid, but I can wear it every day.

Chronic Medical Conditions

I am just about fed up with Insurance Companies. Outrageous test fees. There is NO WAY you can justify to me that a hearing test should cost $175 stand alone, not even including the "office visit" fee. Don't even get me started on the cost of a new aid. I could go on a month long vacation with that money!


And screw you, BCBS for not covering hearing aids, in any way, in your insurance policy. Oh wait.. that's right. I'm not giving you hundreds of dollars to actually get insurance for things I *NEED*.

The Best Part

There are many things that are good and bad about living alone in comparison to roommates, family, and living together with someone.

But hands down, there is nothing like being able to lose your pants to kick off the weekend. On second note.. there is an awful lot of talk about pants in this blog. Maybe there's a name for this sort of behavior.

Confusion

We're a week away from the "official" start of Spring.

Its 18 degrees... and SNOWING.

What.The.Hell. ???

Whole again

I am going to be forever in debt to the friend who told me about the practice rooms at the Harold Washington Library downtown. It was everything I hoped it would be!

I checked around online before going, having visions of the practice rooms in my high school days - old decrepit, out of tune uprights that were going musty and stale in the cramped rooms. But, a piano is a piano, and I've made attempts with my keyboards over the years and it just hasn't been the same. I was so very pleasantly surprised to see the pianos were upright Yahamas similar in age to the pianos kept at ASU - definitely not brand new, but well maintained and with rooms that are well lit.

I have to admit I had the guilty thought that if I did not have Dusty, I would take the purple train downtown every day after work and put in at least an hour, it felt that good to have the piano back in my life. For now, I'm pretty much restricted to the busier weekend times. I'll take what I can get at this point.

But man... It has been too long. Nothing like taking out music that was effortless to play when I was in full swing, and looking at it, then trying to play to that level and having to admit you are a little rusty. Ouch. I think I managed to make a good start back on the right track. I'd love to entertain the idea of getting some extra cash by doing weddings this summer/fall, but I think I'd need another month of consistent practice to have enough music playable for an audience.

Apology

Beth,

I owe you an apology. I just set off the fire alarm and had smoke coming out of my oven when I tried to make a coffee cake. I've used this recipe and the silicon pan before, so there must be something about the gas oven that does not work with the silicon - the cake had been in the oven less than 10 mins and the bottom crust was already brown.

I give up on baking for tonight. I tried to salvage it by flipping it into another pan and just doing another layer of the topping, but having the bottom for the top just isn't going to work. Boo.

Live Music

I had forgotten how much more ... visceral music and musical experiences are in a live set compared to a CD. I LOVE it! Even if it makes me wish I was up playing instead of listening, but you can't always have what you want.

Great shows tonight, even if there were some minor mishaps. I actually prefer shows that aren't perfect, they remind you of the people behind the words and the sound, and just make it that much easier to connect to the experience.

And now, its time for bed.

New Bands!

Last night I met up with some friends at the bar down the block (RED LINE TAP) to hear some bluegrass tunes from a group Strangely named SexFists. You'd have no idea their music based on the name.. and maybe that was their idea. Anywhoo... with great $2.50 specials and fun music, I had a blast.

I'm going back again tonight to listen to an AWESOME local singer, Andy Wagner - his new CD came out last week, and I'm excited to see how the sound translates live in a small venue.

http://www.rockproper.com/ is where his new CD is for free download - go go go now! If you like what you hear, his 2 other albums as well as this one are available on iTunes at a very reasonable price. Support local, GOOD artists!

Some nights... being alone sucks more than others. Tonight is one of them.

The lake was a gigantic sheet of white... the snow has stayed ontop of the ice. This is the first time I've looked out to the horizon and seen nothing but white all the way to the sky, which was a dark blue grey.

Comforting

You can take the girl out of bourbon country, but you can't take the bourbon outta the girl.

Note to Self

When it's 20 degrees out, its probably a good idea to think about how soon you need pants to wear when doing laundry that requires hanging to dry. Cause now... you look like an idiot because you have no pants. Oops! I would wear a skirt, but I can see all the wind blowing the trees and the snow around, so no thank you on that one.

AntiClimatic

Today was an absolutely crazy day. My brain is exhausted. I came home, curled up in the blanket on the couch and haven't moved since. I wish I had telekinetic skills and could make my phone fly from the table and order some grub for dinner. I'm afraid if I cooked I'd forget about the food as soon as I stepped out of the kitchen, and then have a lovely burning smell!

Makeup is an interesting product. By principle, I rarely wear it, except on special occasions or when I feel like taking the extra effort.

Monday this week, I had insane amounts of time to kill before work and so just put some brown eyeliner and mascara on. I got no less than 4 comments/compliments.

Tuesday, I did the eyeliner, mascara, and just a brush of some bronze tone shadow. More comments.

Today, I did the same. More comments. All from different people. It makes me wonder.. do I really look that bad without makeup?? Having allergy reactions come through my skin makes for all sorts of fun as well as the fun hormone rollercoaster, but it just surprised me how that one simple thing drew so many comments, just from people walking by and talking to me.

In other news... my favorite boots are dying. I've have them for over 4 years, and they get leaky when its rainy/wet on the ground now. Hopefully it'll warm up quick and I can put off that shopping trip till the fall.

Some things never change

This picture was taken almost 2 years to the week ago. The pup and couch belong to the friend's house I spent more time at than my own, in my pre-Dusty days. The edge of the wine glass is just visible to my side.

Trade the couch and dog for a brown couch and dusty warming my feet.... and that is just about how I look at the moment.

And man. I really loved those brown socks. They were my warmest pair... I lost track of them and they disappeared :(

Maybe I need a Life

My Internet Scrabble Club (ISC) stats:

Games Won: 410
Games Lost : 409

Maybe I'll throw a party when I reach the 1,000 games mark!

I made a little booklet for a friend for xmas last year, where they can write down all the cool words you want to remember, sorted by alpha tabs. I made myself one too, I really need to have that OUT when I play so I can actually remember to put the words in!

This explains some things...

Your Personality is Very Rare (INTJ)

Your personality type is logical, uncompromising, independent, and nonconformist. Only about 3% of all people have your personality, including 2% of all women and 4% of all men. You are Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Judging.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

Sometimes I'm Clueless.

I played a DVD last Sunday, and then suddenly Thursday night I'm laying in bed, and I'm hearing.... music. The TV was off, and I hear *nothing* from othe other apartments. I get up and realize the menu music from the DVD (about 20 seconds long) was still playing through the surround sound. Fixed that problem.

The worst part is that this 20 second clip had been playing for 5 days before I even noticed.

I was going to post this as a reply to a comment, then thought it might make more sense here, to explain some of my own journey.

I lived with a Buddhist for a year in Kentucky, who had previously been a devout Catholic who died in her 40's, and 15 minutes later was revived. She saw something in those 15 minutes that made her leave the Catholic church, and she has never looked back.

Now, 30 years later, she is a Piute shaman, Buddhist, and also a protector of ancient Mayan peace pipes. She also holds a doctorate in Holistic Psychology, and every time I think that the world is going to pieces, I just have to picture this woman in my mind.

There is something completely different about being in her gaze. When she looks at me... I can see that she sees right through my eyes to my heart, and especially to the things I do not say. She has opened so many doors in me, both emotionally and spiritually. Some of the most difficult steps I've made as a human being have been because of her true desire for all to embrace compassion, especially compassion for one's self. That is something that I was never educated about, but makes all the difference in true, long -lasting wellbeing.

Most of all... this woman accepted me into her family with arms wide open, as if I was another daughter. There was a moment at Christmas where all of us - the 2 daughters, a daughter in law, and myself were all in the kitchen, and the next thing we know we're all hugging and crying and laughing. Some of the guys came into see what all the commotion was about, but wisely tiptoed back the way they came!

One of this woman's many other talents is acting as a spiritual guide for Sacred Ritual Site tours - the last tour they took was to Tibet and Nepal, to visit with the Monks and the monasteries there. I would love to be on their trip in 2010 if there was ever a way to pull it off.

While all romantic relationships leave their mark, this is by far the best gift I could ever have asked for.

Past and Present

While I'm trying to focus on some work stuff, my mind went off on this train of thought. Writing it down here so I don't forget.

Why do I feel so much connection to the Buddhism background... instead of the christianity embraced in my childhood. Why do I feel my beliefs in better hands when the church is so corrupted.

Why... does more sincerity ring out in a room of 5 people singing aged chants, hundreds of years old, with no accompanyment, no singers on the stage. Just pure compassion, pure love.

I never felt more love, more peace, more compassion, than when i embraced these characteristics as the calling for my existence. When I compare Christian followers to those declared buddhists, the duality of christianity is not seen in the on the other side. The internal conflict in your daily life doesn't tear you apart. It is a concious decision, each and every second, to embrace peace and share love. Its not about what movies you don't watch, what you don't read, and who's mosic you listen to. It all comes down to the core of YOU.

Tempermental Office Supplies

At work, I have a stapler that has some OCD issues. Whenever there are about 15-20 staples left, it starts to act up and jam. I have no idea why. I have learned that trying to force those remaining staples to clear is useless. But, if I just fill the stapler back up behind those 15-20 staples, all of the sudden there is absolutely no issue. I give up.

At least I can pretend its a purdy Swingline Stapler.

Fighting Insecurities

I can't pinpoint a specific trigger that had my mind so wrapped around some things this week, but I had a really hard time fighting some past impulses and thought patterns. In particular... I contemplated taking a road trip to Louisville this weekend. I spent more time than I want to admit thinking about the trip, and trying to justify it to myself. I had back up plans to back up plans - everything from just making the drive there and back in one day, to making it a surprise trip so my fears of being rejected would be "minimized".

I am forever grateful I know myself well enough to recognize when I'm going into "not the brightest idea" territory. The unwavering honesty of my closest friends is hard to hear at times, but it is what I love most about them. In this case... they threw back the words I had so strongly left on the table the last time I was in Kentucky : That the friendship and feelings that drew me there would only be healthy going forward for me if I was met half way.

Driving all the way to Louisville is not half way. And while I won't have to have the experience of beating myself up for going on the drive back, it still surprised me how much the holes in my life can burn so strongly.

No Baking :(

I'm sick. Like leaving work early because I don't want to get sick on my way home on the bus sick. I know better than to spread the germs in cupcakes.

*crawls back into bed*

Holiday Sweets

I'm going to be making some red velvet cupcakes and sugar cookies tomorrow night.. I am looking forward to it!!

I needed to find a good cream cheese recipe for frosting, and get a little more practice with frosting in general. One of my favorite cookies is a molasses cookie with frosting in between the pieces, and I want them to be spectacular before I feed them to any guinea pigs.

Good Intentions

this song sums up my life right now..

Song: GOOD INTENTIONS
by: Toad the Wet Sprocket

Its hard to rely on my good intentions
When my heads full of things that I cant mention
Seems I usually get things right
But I cant understand what I did last night

Its hard to rely on my own good senses
When I miss so much that requires attention
Have to laugh at myself sometimes
And I can see that Im not blind

Theres little relief
Give us reprieve
For all the things Ive left behind
Im positive that Im not blind

Im not afraid things wont get better
But it feels like this has gone on forever
You have to cry with your own blue tears
Have to laugh with your own good cheer

Its hard to rely on my good intentions
When my heads full of things that I cant mention
Seems I usually get things right
But I cant understand what I did last night

Theres little relief
Give us reprieve
Imagining the world outside
Im positive that Im not blind

I cant be hard on you
cause you know Ive been there too
Learned a lot of things from you

But life gives little relief
Give us reprieve
And when everyone is cold as ice
I clinch my fists and close my eyes
Imagining the world outside
But I can see that Im not blind

Piano... Maybe!

There's a small, independently owned music/instrument store down the street. I walked by it last night and nearly got giddy seeing all the sheet Music. I used to buy sheet music the way some people buy DVDS or CDs. I've probably spent over $1500 on sheet music in my music endeavors, including professional discounts I recieved when I bought them. I sent an email to the shop to ask about possibly renting the instruction room for practice time, in exchange for either a nominal fee or being willing to help with lessons.

I am almost too excited about this. It has been years since I've had steady access to a *true* piano, and there are some days I really miss the outlet. I am also hoping if I can brush up, then I can try getting back into the wedding industry here. That would be the quickest way for me to net some extra cash, with the smallest time constraints but also more flexibility.

*crosses fingers*

SUNSHINE!!

So 50 degrees + SUNSHINE = I'm going to truly enjoy this day. Cleaned up a little around the house, then it'll be take Dusty out, and then I think I'm going to spend some time walking around, see where I end up. I've got my book, a little spare cash to cover a coffee and some lunch, and mostly just relax. I'll deal with Real Life tomorrow.

I haven't written anything deep in a while. Its been tough to try and figure out where to start. How to grapple with this tangible ... emptiness. I've been lonely and lived alone before for several years, I knew what to expect there.

This is the first time it seems I'm really having to separate myself from everyone I care about.

I am a very intense person. It makes things difficult at times. I throw myself into just about everything I do, and it can and does catch people off guard. I've gotten better at massively chilling out, at least in my outward interactions. But it doesn't stop the thought processes, and it makes me infuriatingly impatient sometimes that I can't seem to find anyone in my current circles who shares this trait, if only to understand where I was coming from.

The nightmare flashbacks have come back. I can't escape; even if I wake up, I know how it ends. The amount of detail and clarity, even after all these years makes it feel like that day is replaying itself over and over again. I don't know what brought it on or how to stop it. It is a burning hole in my heart I will carry for the rest of my life. Its hard to think about how someday someone new I love would react if they knew the truth.

Twilight

I've read all 4 books, and yes, I'm a fan. Feels kinda weird to be "one of the girls", finally. I was reading the books on loan from a friend, and so gave her back the first 3 after I finished them, and I've been rereading the 4th every day for the last week.

I checked out the Chicago Public Library online to see about snagging the other books to read again. I am astounded. For JUST the 3rd book, CPL has 160 + copies ( I counted!) and every. single. one. is either checked out, on hold, or in intralibrary transit.

Does this mean I'm doomed to actually be productive again? I was so enjoying losing myself in a book the way I did before I began college and my reading turned to having to read 200-300 pgs a week of textbooks. It took 3 years after graduating from ASU and then a 6 month break from Grad School for this love of pleasure reading to return. It makes up for the double loss of no piano. I can't have everything, I know.

Heat Wave!

We've finally broken above the 20F mark again, it feels so warm and gorgeous! I bundled up just in case, but Dusty and I spent about an hour on a walk through Loyola park/Beach.

The park was empty, except for dogs and their humans. I was really surprised! This is one of the nicest days we've had in a month!!!

Lovely Rita Meter Maid

This is what happens when you don't pay the lovely meter maid here in Chicago. I've already had my own run in with the orange ghost of darkness. The leeches make quite a fortune off of parking violations/fines, not to mention the actual meters themselves.

Flabbergasted

So I got to spend a lovely few minutes on the phone with the gas company after it appears my first attempt to connect service a week ago did not take.

I was told that someone needed to come out to "turn on the gas". I go over to the stove, turn the handle all the way to the right, and watch as bright orange flames try to set my sleeve on far, and almost succeeding. I proceeded to ask why it was really necessary if I was already getting service and they have all my info.

Grrr. I wonder if I have fire gnomes that are inside my oven then, if they're "positive" my service is turned off. Gotta love the city.

The Beaches of Cabo

Just a few more shots - I've got probably 150 pictures on a camera a friend lent me, but the USB cable doesn't seem to fit the camera. So, it'll be a week or so before I'm able to get these ones off too.



I can't wait until Friday!!! My dad is coming into town for the weekend for a conference, so I took the day off. In the morning, I'm going for a massage - one of the perks of my job is access to free or nearly free massages, and this time is no exception! I love it when they tell you to be early so you have time to put on your robe and sandals. It will really be a relaxing morning, and after all the moving my muscles are screaming.

Game Fun!

I am a huge sucker for traditional board/card/group games. I was invited to a game night by an awesome coworker. I was a little intimidated when i walked in, as we ended up with a group of 15 people and I knew a grand total of .... 2. But, even though I had trouble following along with all the conversations, and we played catch phrase which is not an easy game for me, I stuck it out for 3 hours, and had a good time. I finally had to call it at night at 1am. It had taken me an hour and a half to drive out to the suburbs to the hangout, and I was worried it would take me that long to get back. I was given some new directions, and was able to get home in an hour instead. So, of course its 2:30 in the morning as I am still winding down after having to do dog duty once I got back.

The first load of things has been taken over to the new place and put in their new locations. The bed has been half made, and is just needing the comforter/blankets. I've put up the shower curtain, put away the baking/pans, and filled the linen closet. And filled the ice cube trays. I need to remember to water the plant that got left behind before it dies on me!

The Keys are Mine!

I picked up the keys for my new place on Saturday, but the lovely January weather is dumping snow left and right, and keeping it here with sub zero temperatures. This is why I got the keys early, but it is so frustrating to be kept from just making the move quickly. I can't even get out to get boxes so I can pack.

*Takes a deep breath, and goes for the wine*


Some pictures of the new place - and 95% of the furniture in the pictures I scored off the guy moving out. So this is a rather accurate representation of what my apartment looks like at this very moment.

Lonely

Some people will never learn the true meaning of this word. I count them lucky. Something I can't shake tonight ... and it doesn't feel like other times. The pictures in my head at night don't have solid faces anymore ... they're just blurry, and there's no voices spoken.

All I ever remember now is that the air always felt like mist, and when I put my hand out, the drops fall away and I'm left standing in my shadow. Even the drops falling on rocks make no sound, and then I wake up.

More details about the trip will come later, but I wanted to sit and just get a few thoughts out as I'm working on getting myself through a down mood. Its starting to slowly get easier each time, and I rely less on having to call or find someone to talk to. I'm learning the things that will help me pass the time, especially those that do not involve clocks in any way.

I love Mexico for its skies along the beach. I've never seen as many star showers as I do there, and being on the cruise ship, at night I'd just look out at the stars, and remember how big the sky can feel. I love being on the 9th floor of our building at work and away from downtown. The extra distance allows me to see virtually all of Chicagoland from our office windows, and Lake Michigan as well. I will be glad to have the apartment with the water view!

One of my favorite pictures from Cabo San Lucas, as I only have the USB cord for one of the 2 cameras I took with me.