Breaking Radio Silence

What a long couple of months.

I'm still alive.

And somehow strangely, despite all the events that I've not spilled out into the public space called The Internet, this year is ending on a high note.

I will have to do some updating later today.

Breaking Radio Silence

It's been a little while since I've written. There's some big changes in my life right now that just aren't appropriate for public space, and so I've refrained from writing for a while since it was simply not a good idea.

Fall has come. I've already pulled out my Fuzzy socks and put them on my feet, curled up in a blanket, and read till I fell asleep. Happy September!

Mailbox

Monday morning, I was leaving my house and I was looking at the mailboxes as we were walking out the building.

Most mailboxes were either blank for empty apartments, or they had the names typed on a label that fit in the indented space on the mailbox.


And then there was mine. A ripped off edge of an envelope, with my last name written in Purple in letters three times the size of the others.

And you know what... it's a great reflection of me. I'm memorable.. whether its just a mailbox or out in life. And I'm sure to get my mail!

Hiking Adventure Challenge!

I have taken on a new challenge to complete every hike in Ted Villaire's 60 Hikes within 60 Miles of Chicago. I've emailed Ted about my challenge and my commitment to blog his book and the trails. He was gracious enough to have his publisher send me a copy of the book to help me along in this. Thanks TED!

One of the things I am most excited about was that in emailing with Ted, I discovered that he does not have a car either! Lack of transportation has been my biggest supposed hurdle in getting outside of the city limits. In his book, if there are public transportation options available, they have been included on the directions to get to the trail. SWEET!

Ted's website is here: http://www.tedvillaire.com/

Book information and details to purchase here: http://www.tedvillaire.com/60-hikes-within-60-miles-chicago/

Last Sunday I had planned do to trail #12 in the book, the Lake Katherine Trail. 2 hiccups occured. The first was the weather forecast - heavy thunderstorms before 10am, and my friend S and I were going to be smack in the middle of the trail.

The second was the transportation options. In the book, it was said to take a PACE bus route from Midway to the site. I was going to have a ride there, so just needed a way to get home. When I looked up the route for the time table, it turns out it doesn't run on Sundays. GOOD TO KNOW! This is a M-Saturday trail only if taking that transportation route. There is a metra station nearby that I looked into as an alternate. The Metra station is also only M-Saturday.

Now I know.. to complete this trail it will need to be on a day other than Sunday. I'll be selecting another trail to do this weekend. Stay tuned!

Quiet Place

Landmark Education - Advanced Course

Where to begin...


I felt a little more relaxed walking into the Advanced Course having spent the weekend in the Landmark Forum which is set up in similar time style. 12-13 hour days,and now I know the break structure and that it is in fact possible to make it through the weekend.


We started off in a MUCH smaller group than the Forum - down to a quarter of the size. There were some familiar faces from my March Forum, and also from my Integrity Seminar.


Walking in, I knew the things that I was struggling with since the Forum that wouldn't quite willingly take the back seat. I was still very very angry, upset, and emotionally invested in the fact that I could not obtain my Boat Crew certification with the USCG Auxiliary that I so desperately wanted. It has been a difficult summer in that respect since I am trying other activities within the Auxiliary and before I even begin I'm writing them off because they're not what I really want to be doing.

The Advanced Course takes 3 main missions that are the structure for the conversations within the course. One of those is true Mastery of Reality. This is what sunk in with claws and never let go. This came up for me on the tail end of Friday, and continued thru Saturday and Sunday.

At the end of Saturday, I had really really come face to face with this resentment I had. And I had a choice. I had the choice to accept that this story of what was happening was adding to my inability to move forward and to accept it as it was - nothing more, nothing less.

Looking back, Of course I wasn't feeling empowered and able to inspire people. I was attempting to do that (or so I thought) and on the complete opposite end of the spectrum I had made myself out to be the victim of something beyond my control. This dichotomy was completely ruining my ability to be effective.

The moment that has changed my life forever came Sunday afternoon, just before our dinner break. The conversation had started to talk about the power of language in our shaping of the world, and our relationship to other people. I felt moved to speak and got up to share.

I shared with the group a lesser known fact of the suicide rate of deaf male teens in their college years, and the source of that suicide rate. Being deaf puts an entirely different meaning on the power of word and language.

When you have sign language, it is only effective when you have others who can speak the same language. This is not the case for the large majority of the world. When you spend your day in and day out existence in a world that you can't communicate with, your sense of existence deteriorates. You feel invisible when you look out and you see a world talking back and forth with each other and interacting. You see this and when you try to reach out and capture it, you are either ignored or left confused because you lack the pieces of the puzzle to provide meaning to the exchange.

I took my hearing aid out to give a visual representation to the group. A Black and White, Language and No Language world. I explained how when it didn't work,I feel like all of the sudden I have no meaning in my life to communicate and share myself, and my ideas.

I had no idea my sharing of this would move so many people. I had the instructors of the course telling me that it had left them speechless. We left for our meal break and I had felt like I was having an out of body experience - I couldn't feel my hands, feet, and they were tingling. My brain was just quietly frozen, sounds passing before me but a sense of subtle disattachment.

People would come up to me and address me and thank me. It blew me away that being me, EXACTLY AS I AM, no more and no less, was able to provide this breakthrough connection for people. If I had been more deaf, I would not have the ability to function at the level I do and even be in the space. If I was less deaf, I wouldn't have had the issues that made me feel so strongly about this.


When we had our Tuesday night session that was open to past graduates and guests, I shared a summary. I shared a summary that I walked in with my condition of being hearing the something that the biggest obstacle in my way to being empowered and making a difference in people's lives. I shared the point where I had the realization that in fact my burden was actually a blessing beyong belief. And how it had felt to have that realization, to speak it into the world and give it intention and a declaration that I AM AMY AND I AM ME.

I am signed up for the Self Expression and Leadership course that begins in August and part of this course is to take on a project. Not only am I taking on a project, but I think I have found that BIG PROBLEM that is worth dedicating my life for. Something that will impact my life every day for as long as I live. Something that gives me passion beyond anything I thought I was capable of containing.

I didn't get my life back through Landmark Forum. I got a new life that is capable of anything.

I'm still alive, I promise

Lots been going on, in a good way.

I'm officially a graduate of the Landmark Education Advanced Course, which is part 3 of the Curriculum for Living. LOTS LOTS LOTS to say about that. I need more down time to do so!

but for now... here is a pretty view... take time to stop and smell the flowers. Even when they are on the other side of a chain link fence in a gravel parking lot.

Enjoy!

So.. that thing

So .. you know that thing.

Where you have someone to make you breakfast. Or dinner. Or barter in exchange for doing the dishes.

Someone to give you a shoulder rub just because.

Someone who says its absolutely not at all a hassle to pick me up from the train so we can spend time together.

Someone whose love of ice cubes in water may in fact surpass my own.

Someone who can kick back a salad one day, shake and burger another, sushi yet another, and homemade mexican to round it off. And above all loves COSTCO!!

Oh. And someone whose toes I can make curl if I hit some spots exactly right.

Yea... That. I've got it. It feels REALLY REALLY GOOD. *does a happy monkie dance*

off the ground!

Today I had my first for hire ceremony...


Mexican weddings are a lot of crazy fun. The bride and groom showed up 2 hours later than the time they had told me they'd be getting there.. which left us about 10 minutes trying to coordinate all the last minute details before getting the wedding started.

But those who know me.. things start on time if I have any say. and I did. We started at 5:31 - for weddings that is a darn good accomplishment.


Oh. and I guess this is news.. I now have cats. Yes.. 2. and NO! I'm not turning into crazy cat lady. I promise.

Power

I have this on a sticky note on my work computer:


"POWER: The Ability to Translate Intention Into Results"


I was just given this definition of power yesterday and it has been on the forefront of my mind since then. I used to think I was in a power struggle with my boss, but the kind of power I thought we were wrestling over was nothing like this.

This is the kind of power that actually gets things done.


This is what EMPOWERMENT is focused around. This is what I want to give to the people in my life.

Culture Shock

I've been back to Arizona numerous times since moving away, but today was the first time in Arizona where I have really interacted with a variety of folks and felt the urban vs suburban culture shock.

Housing Prices. I pay for my 1 bedroom apartment what a good friend pays for the mortgage of a 5 bedroom, 3 bath, BRAND NEW, model 3,000 square foot house. The garage on the house was about 85% the size of my apartment.

Lifestyles.

Distances traveled for work/ commute times/commute methods.

Sheer Diversity in the population around us.

I feel like I owe it to my future kids to expose them to as much as possible about the amazing thing that is the human race, and I just personally do not see Arizona as the place where I can in full confidence do that.

So Phoenix. the heat has been absolutely wonderful. Being in the pool, heavenly. But you'll have to be a memory I carry with me forever, not a place to come back to.

Making Promises

For a long time, I always said I would only make promises I could keep. We know the things we can "keep" based on our current expectations and constraints, with no extra effort required.

I was challenged this week to instead ... MAKE MORE PROMISES!

If you are committed to living a life that is true to yourself, and you can honor your word and your commitments which align with the "to thine own self be true" mentality... then not making promises is a copout.

An excuse to hide behind instead of embracing a chance to challenge yourself and actually make an effort at living a life that is unreasonable but one that is absolutely yours.

I want to be someone who can be counted on, who can make a difference. In order to make a difference, you have to shake up the status quo.


And that begins with the only person who's state of being I have control over: Me.

Integrity

When I completed the Landmark Forum, one of the biggest ways this played out in my work life IMMEDIATELY was agreeing to play the rules of the "game" of being an employee at my office.

I started my Landmark Education Seminar Series Integrity: The Bottom Line last night, and it was a very quick re-awakening to how much diligence it takes to keep this idea and concept on the forefront of your mind. To realize you choose the decision, every hour, every moment, to play the game or not.


Part of the agreement for taking the course over the summer was the promise to not engage in gossip of any kind. I have prided myself on being, in my eyes, relatively gossip free. Oh, what a humble realization that was last night. The way it was described was "do not talk or complain about things to anyone other than someone who can do something about it". Gossip doesn't just mean talking about stranger celebrities, or people you mutually know others. It is the water cooler talk, its complaining about something with no intent to use that discourse to impact the situation in a positive way somehow.

Goodbye water cooler...

Drive By Gardening!

Since I don't have a dedicated balcony and the window ledges are not safe from furry creatures, I've no resort left other than enjoying the fruits of other's green thumbs.

The prize this week is hands down my favorite flower of all time, and in one of my favorite color combinations.

I need to get back into the more semi daily swing of updates. It has been an interesting few weeks, notably my time doing vessel safety checks with the Auxiliary.

Up next.. AZ Visit! The Family! My Dusty mop!!

One more day

Don't fear the future you don't know.

The past you do no longer holds the lessons... you've learned their secrets.

Distance and forward can be misleading... you don't have to be moving to go round in circles.


Everything has a circumference.

New Venture!

I am an ordained minister and I have decided to make a little more formal effort to make this public knowledge in a twofold mission: 1) provide quality, memorable, and affordable officiant services to the Chicagoland bridal pool and 2) to learn more about and be inspired daily by the different cultures and ways that committment, love, and promise can be communicated.

The website is not together yet but I am going by "A Ceremony Your Way". I think it is concise, and describes the niche and market I want to take without any extra clarification needed.

This should be fun!

Latching Vs Dancing

Landmark is amazing. I am by no means an expert but I love how it is stretching me, growing me. It gave me a new circle of people to help mirror my actions and thoughts back at me. Give me the honesty you need to hear in order to decide what you want your world and your future to hold.

I was struggling with some decisions about dating and choices and "What Am I Looking For? Why am I doing this?"

Along the way.. I got a little selfish and got sidetracked. I know I am a pretty unique personality and a great catch for the right person. It has been a new experience for me to be at the center of someone else's relatively undivided attention. Or at least future potential undivided attention. And it felt nice. REALLY nice.

Annnnd trying to do whatever I could to keep that feeling coming instead of remembering the big picture and my goal to broaden my network here Chicago bit me in the ass.

Now I'm aware and caught that thought pattern. Now to work on keeping things what they are, and not what I am tranposing on top of events. It is a moment by moment effort.


and I absolutely love this picture.

* by Sergey Lekomtsev

In my thoughts

My sister has been in Tanzania for the last year.

Starting earlier this week, she's not doing so well right now and she's been on my mind even more so than normal.

So Elizabeth... get better soon. We are all rooting for you and wish would could be there to keep you company. Know you are loved... even my cat Charlie says hello and get better.

This picture is from when I was in town for Beth's graduation party before she left for Africa.

Can't wait to see you again!!

Voice in my head

There's a voice in my head that I can't seem to shake. Even when I have all the noises around me.. actually, even more so when I have my hearing aid out and it is dead quiet.

I hear this voice echoing around in my head.

It whispers in my ear...

Walk with my Dad

Time with mom is precious.. time with Dad is Priceless.

We took a walk, just us, to Illahee Dock. I will really miss my dad when we go our ways.

No more words are needed.

Heard at Breakfast

Mom: I need to go print something, and use the bathroom.

Dad: Don't do both at the same time.

Later.....

Ring Ring Ring.

Dad: "Whats the matter, honey? Did you fall into the toilet? I told you not to do both at the same time. "

My parents are quickly becoming good entertainment.

It appears dad forgot JC The Donkey. Perhaps this is for the best.

Seattle!

I am spending the next few days in the Pacific Northwest. Oh how I have missed traveling.

It makes for long days, and there is the overpriced airport food, screaming kids, stiff chairs.

But it is a change of scene and a world you can immerse yourself in. A world where you see your life hitting a wall and breaking into others.

I am here primarily for some extremely long time coming family time. I had originally planned to rent a car and hit up Vancouver as I mentioned earlier. There was a small twinge when I got off the plane and realized how relatively close I am to several groups of friends I would love to see. It is only a few hours to Portland, only a few hours to Vancouver. Alas... it is not for this time.

But!

I am going to do everything in my power to spend Monday and the Museum of Flight. My mom goes back home Sunday afternoon, and so I think that I should be able to talk my dad into at least dropping me off. He works with airplanes and so I am sure while he might not realize I plan to spend 5-6+ hours there, he'd at least humor me and come along for an hour or 2.

And yes. Me. 6 Hours. Planes. Can you say true bliss?

Oh and the coffee. Don't even get me started on the coffee.

Tres de Mayo

Its not the 5th.. but I could so use a dose of warm central Mexican sun. And more tacos. And Tecate.

Maybe I will make my salsa chicken this week.

It is time for another beach visit this week. I've not been back in a few weeks and it is one of the places I love to share with people. The last few plans did not quite reached fruition.

Maybe one of these days....

Goodbye Chicago. At least for now. I need to escape the looney bin. See you Monday.

Drama Llama

Drama.


I hate it.


It keeps following me lately.


I am tempted to take a huge Godzilla sized carrot and throw it over the fence for the Drama Llamas to go after.

Just 24 hours.. then I am on the road to hang out with friends for the weekend. I am long overdue for a change of scenery.

Magic the Gathering

I'm hooked.

This game is fun. It has been a while since I've been out and had a night so fun I lost track of time. I got home at 4am after spending the evening at a friend's house having tacos and learning how to play the game. The best part... it sounds like we will try and make this a regular thing. I don't know that I can be coming home at 4am on a weeknight, but it would be worth it to try.

Sidenote. Guinea pigs are awesome.

wondering

Some times, people do and say things that contradict each other. Why they do... at times, there is no real answer.

Life is messy. Life is complicated.

If we don't have hope... what else is left?

2011 has been the year of trying to find hope in the midst of losing a lot of things that I loved dearly or was very excited about. It seems that trend might be continuing a little bit longer.

In the mean time... I'll be walking past a certain coffeeshop quite often and wondering if ever there might be a chance I'd be walking by and someone I recognize might be on the other side waving back at me.

Call me Crazy

I love the beach. Its not a secret.

What perhaps might be the most shocking is that I actually enjoy the beach most when it is raining. There is no one else there! Put on the galoshes, let the fog roll off the water. Things sound muted, quieter, hazy. Yes it can often be chilly and wet and cold, but if dressed appropriately these conditions can be somewhat abated.

A day like this...a shot I took one of my previous trips to Washington State.

Northerly Island

I am back in my groove! I took a 10 mile wander along the lakefront today. I knew I wanted to check out some place I had never been, so I hit Monroe harbor, and started wandering south. Northerly Island is a small peninsula just south of the Planetarium.

It was a windy day, but so nice to find a place in Chicago where I could go and be relatively undisturbed!

Church Bells

St.Ignatius Church is right at the end of my street. It is an older church built in 1906, and run by a Jesuit order until 2000.

When I have the windows open, from anywhere in my apartment I can hear when the bells chime.

No matter how technologically advanced our society may become, some things seem timeless.

For whom the bell tolls : Time marches on : for whom the bell tolls :

So... Bathtime

Apparently there is an affinity for water in this house.

I almost had a little visitor earlier today:

Thankfully... that is as far as we got. My Bubble Bath Charlie!

The Global Family

In order for this post to make sense, some back story is probably required.

The christmas of 2008, I had just moved to Kentucky. The cost of the move had completely drained my finances, and whatever was left had gone into the bucket called "Graduate School". So that meant I was spending christmas in Kentucky with Matt and his family instead of in Arizona.

It was a very special Christmas for this particular group. That winter was the first time all of Matt's siblings (6 kids including Matt) had all been in the same place with their Mom in 15 years. 3 boys, 3 girls, and the kids and spouses that came with. I was included as a daughter in this group. To this day it still blows me away how accepting everyone was.

Christy, Matt's oldest sister, is one half of a 2 singer irish folk traveling duo called Four Shillings Short (www.art.net/4ss) . During the christmas visit, they did a house concert at Rebeccas house, in addition to a full concert fundraiser in Louisville. In the house concert, they played an old traditional ballad called Health to the Company:

words and music Traditional

Kind friends and companions, come join me in rhyme

Come lift up your voices in chorus with mine

Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain

For we may and might never all meet here again

Here's a health to the company and one to my lass

Let us drink and be merry all out of one glass

Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain.

For we may and might never all meet here again

Here's a health to the dear lass that I love so well

Her style and her beauty, sure none can excel

There's a smile upon her countenance as she sits on my knee

Sure there's no one in in this wide world as happy as we Our ship lies at harbor, she's ready to dock

I hope she's safe landed without any shock I

f ever we should meet again by land or by sea

I will always remember your kindness to me

Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain For we may and might never all meet here again

Susannah is Matt's other sister who sings Jazz (Music runs in this family I tell ya!) and she got up to sing with Christy and Aodh for this song. When they got the to words I've bolded in the songs, there was a real moment. That moment where you don't want to blink because it will become a moment of the past. A moment where you realize all the petty things in the world are just that... petty. And the real reason for being here was all standing in the room with you.

Why does this come up in my head now, over 2 and a half years later? I remember thinking at the time "how the HECK does a family go 15 years without being together?" I grew up in Arizona where family surrounded you. We got together at least every other month, and coming from a big family there was always a birthday or a party or a family dinner going on.

My own family, it turns out.... now I unfortunately have my own experience to share. The last time we were all together in one place was our family cruise to Mexico over Christmas-New Year 2008. Since then our family has grown with my nephew Tyler!

I will be going to Seattle in just under a month to spend some quality family time, even if it is a short visit. And it won't be the same because Elizabeth (wow.. I think that is the first time I have ever fully typed that out. She'll always be Beth in my head) is still in Africa. Her adventure is indefinite at this point.

I have finally laid to rest a die hard habit. Pack my days with MY schedule, MY agenda, so that I don't get "smothered" by my family. It is a hard feeling of resentment to shake. But I did it. I had originally planned to make a getaway trip to Vancouver, on Mother's day, no less. Yes I know. I'm a bad daughter for even considering it. Being gone and on my own has honed a much deeper appreciation for the people that are tied to us through no choice of our own, or so we say. Yet we do actually have a choice. We have a choice to either embrace that relationship and nurture it, or let it stagnate and have it mean nothing.

Especially as I am considering the prospect and excitment behind having my own family someday, it really makes me evaluate my connections to the one I already. So I called my parents on Sunday and told them I was cancelling my trip. I knew my parents would never have told me I couldn't go mostly because I would have gone anway.

But when I vocalized I wanted to stay to spend *QUALITY* time with them, you could hear it in my mom's voice as she said that was the best Mother's day gift she could ask for. My parents both know that Vancouver ranks as one of the top 3 favorite places in the world, and I was sacrificing a visit that meant a lot to me. My dad was just dad, giving me a hard time about not wanting to have to be a backseat passenger all the time.

It took a day to be joyous about the decision, I will be honest. It was that shifting and laying down new neural response patterns. Of going beyond what I know I should do to embracing it as what I truly want to do instead. And now I absolutely cannot wait to spend 5 minutes apiece hugging each one of them.

Oh. And apparently Dad is bringing JC the Donkey to Seattle. God I love my family. The picture here is from my dad telling me that JC had a hankering for some sour cream. Didn't my parents teach me not to play with my food?

new little baby

Some friends welcome their 3rd boy into the world at 10:30am today... Welcome Ryan! However just a few short hours later Ryan is now in NICU. That's all I've gotten information wise so far, but there is nothing more heartbreaking than babies hanging on for dear life. Lots and Lots of people are pulling for you little guy... hang in there.

If I didn't look at the calendar

I would think today was June, not April.

But I'm not complaining. NOT ONE BIT. I think getting my mani/pedi day on Friday was maybe a hint to Mister Weather that we needed some sandal weather, stat. And we got it!

I have been waiting ages to be able to head out in sandals and a skirt and walk the beach. It was really the right choice moving back to Rogers Park and back within beach viewing distance. I absolutely love the ability to go right to the water's edge, and look out towards the horizon and not see a single sign of human civilization (when the sailboats are in the way I just blot them out with my thumb. Yes, I know that's cheating. So Shush already :D)

I haven't made the walk to go climb my rock yet, but we have plenty of time for that. Everyone just seems to HAPPY to be at the beach. People running, on bikes, just chilling, reading (like me), anything is better when it is surrounded by fresh air. In all this time I've never actually gone swimming in Lake Michigan. Maybe I will do that this year, we'll see.

I had a momentary twinge of longing for the Coast Guard boat time. I had to remind myself that I can still go out on the patrols, I just have to get on the waiting list to go as a guest instead of as crew. Hopefully I can do that at least a few times this season.

The day is winding down but here is to having every single of my 8 windows open, a strong breeze, the smell of fresh air and incoming rain. There's just one more thing that would make this a perfect night.

The power of words

This doesn't get emphasized enough.

Today at work, a series of words came out of my mouth that drastically changed someone's life. Each word in any other context would have been nothing of note. This one time, they were lined up in the exact order that I spoke them. They were spoke, they were heard, and then they were comprehended. Then they had true power.

They were words that I had to say as part of my job. And again, each word alone would have meant nothing. If I had not spoke, tomorrow would just be another day like today, and the one before it.

Your words have power. Every. single.one. Both spoken and written, but especially spoken. There is something about the connection experience in that sensory language that heightens the communication.

I am usually not one for small talk or chitchat. If something needs to be said I'll say it, if not I am perfectly content to not speak. I actually had my Boat Crew instructor comment on this as he was giving me a lift to the train one day. He had been talking in front of the class for over 3 hours and I figured he might be ready for a break. I just gazed out the window and relaxed in the car for a good 10 minutes until he said "You don't talk much". Me: "Nope. But I can if you would like me to".

It is still sinking in that the words I spoke today will never be forgotten by someone. Think about that. If you were saying something never to be forgotten, what would you be saying? What would someone tell you that you would never forget?

I remember when 12 years old, and my piano teacher's husband was very ill. When I was 6-8 years old he used to ask me to play the piano for him and would tell me that we would one day play an Opera together. He was a man bigger than life, until he wasn't. All these years later, I still remember those conversations. Little moments that to someone else were either a moment of dementia or else just making conversation. These moments have been woven into the fabric of my memory and are how I will think of some people for the rest of my life.

Words. They are just letters put together. L E T T E R S. I L O V E Y O U . W A R . K E T C H U P.

sometimes

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this life.

All the good... all the bad.

And then I realize. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I cherish the chance to be me, despite all my history. Despite all my past.

Somewhere out there is someone just for me.... who has been through a life like mine and who knows me for what it means. Someday...

Landmark Forum

Its been a couple of weeks since I have written.

A lot has happened.. a lot to process.

I thought I knew what to expect going into the Landmark Forum. I was mistaken. I was blown away.

We as human beings are such amazing creatures. Part of that comes the downfall that we create our reality. And our reality is based on whatever conceptions we place in front of ourselves at any given time. It was an amazing weekend. I thought I had myself all together before I walked in that door at the beginning of the conference. I went because a very dear friend pretty much left me with no choice. I've seen how much of a difference his involvement with Landmark has made in the lives of him and his family, and trusted his judgement. He did not let me down.

Just in 2 short weeks.. I have a brand new relationship with my boss. I used to resent her attitude of "Family mafia" style management. I used to resent that she tried to be a second mother to me. That resistance put a strain on my ability to communicate effectively with her in a professional manner, and I was suffering for it.

It was all about how I was looking at the situation. She has definitely noticed the difference in me, and even if I am still more than slightly weirded out that she continues to mimic me any time I do anything major (major haircut/color, major weight loss, yet another major haircut/color), mimicry is a form of flattery, right?

It really made me remember we only get 1 set of parents. Whether or not they do what I think is right based on where I am sitting.. mine made the best choices they could in the circumstances they had. It couldn't have been easy facing huge medical bills from my meningitis as young newlywed parents at 27. They were my age when I was admitted.

My parents can feel the difference. My mom knew about landmark and they were really touched that I spent 30 minutes trying to track them literally halfway around the globe from Tanzania to LAX where they had literally walked out of customs 20 minutes before I talked to them.

I told them both I'd never get off the phone without saying I Love You. I'm sticking to that for life, even if it means I have to not mean the words. Then it will be fake it till you make it time.

And perhaps most surprisingly... I've got a small flame in my heart that is slowly growing. We'll see where that leads.. So far I really like the direction. Sometimes you just KNOW.

Meet my new sidekick

I really really miss Dusty. It has been over a month and I was not in a very good space mentally between losing him and then also losing the Boat Crew class.

Since Saturday... this little guy has been my buddy. Say Hello to Charlie.

We are slowly starting to get to know each other. He's a got a host of new toys as I figure out what makes him tick and so far anything with catnip and feathers, and most recently a little laser pointer and we are in business.

Today was really rough. I walked home and it was the first really nice day in a while and everyone was either out running or with their dogs. I really missed Dusty then.

Landmark Forum

Landmark Forum.


I'm going.


March 25.


I have no clue what to expect... but it will life changing. I am going to make it so. Especially because this opportunity is only happening so quick because of an amazingly awesome person in my life who has had their own life adventure with Landmark and would not let me continue to make excuses for why I have not gone already.


Stay tuned.

Heartbroken

I just found out today that the #1 reason I joined the US Coast Guard Auxiliary... I have been told I will not be given the final certification due to my hearing loss and concern for my safety and that of other crew members during on the water patrols.

This has been my dream since I was old enough to know there was a coast guard. I got my hopes up when i found out about the Auxiliary in October, and after going on 2 patrols as a guest I could see myself being involved in boat crew patrols for the rest of my life if I was near water. This is no longer an option for me anymore. The only boat/water related option for me at this point is Vessel Safety Examiner, which all takes place on land. While I know it is valuable, I can't swallow having to turn down my dream, AGAIN. I woke up voluntarily on Saturdays at 5am to get my ass to this class that goes for 9 months.

But now... my dog is gone. My class is gone. My family is gone. All the things that I had finally put real effort to make some semblance of a life here in the last 6 months have all completely disinigrated. I feel like I need to look for something overseas.. there's no reason to stay here anymore. Being here hurts too much.

I have to look out my window at work and Lake Michigan takes up 65% of the view. Every time I looked out the window before I could see the station and I would get excited about the next time I would be going out. Now its just a constant reminder of what my deafness is stopping me from doing. I need my own damn boat.

Dusty is gone

A lot can happen in 24 hours.

Long story short.... I put dusty on a plane to arizona last night. It was a heartbreaking thing to do. I don't need to relive the details as to why here right now.. maybe another day. Right now I'm just trying to make it through tonight.

There are toys everywhere. Tennis balls. bones. Dog food.. water bowl. It is like I have an invisible dog. But I didn't realize how much I rely on him to be waiting by the door for me when i get home. It felt wrong to come in and not see him right there.

Adjustment

You can never quite see what's coming... this is true yet again. In the middle of this recent change of course I'm doing my damnedest to not squash hope about Life In General (tm). It is sitting in the corner trying to hide from my SADD infested self that is slowly recovering from the gloomy grey snowy wet weekend we just had.

The sun is out now and I am keeping my eyes on the glass to try and soak up as much as I can. Hopefully I can wander around during my lunch.

Hope will make it... even if I have to tie my hands behind my back.

Ghosts of books

I met someone last month and they lent me a book that I have DEVOURED. I read over half the book in less than 24 hours.

One page of text has stuck with me.. this is an excerpt from The Club Dumas by Arturo Perez-Reverte:

The ghosts of my books roam within its walls. ... sometimes I feel they come back to demand that I make amends. So, to placate them, I take up the violin that you see there and I play for hours, wandering through the house in darkness, like one of the damned. ... The wandering book collector."

I had goosebumps after reading this passage... really enjoying this book. I'm really glad for the chance to be meeting new people, even if the romantic prospects don't happen.

It's all one day at a time.. and finding the moments that make you smile.

World in Technicolor

I don't know what it is about today.

But so many things are popping out in colors I've never seen before, in places I have been time and time again.

Walking on Kingsbury Ave and seeing a teal building in the midst of brick.

Being at the Bryn Mawr stop and seeing the corner hotel at the block east, with hunter green and olive yellow paint accent.

The different colored glass panes in a Loyola Brick Building. Green, Red, Purple, Blue. all solid glass panes.

The mauve brick of the Loyola Parking garage, and the Red fire boxes in the same place above each other on every floor.

Black water tower with crooked steps.

I had my camera out for some pictures of the massive snow earlier. I will update those later. For now.. I just wanted to get these down. Wish I had been able to get clearer shots of all these technicolor moments since I was on the moving train. Dirty glass and movement never seem to go well for pictures.

Funny how that happens

I have a lot of things that make me smile right now.

Life isn't perfect and sometimes it takes a bit of work to remember that smiling is kind of an important part of having a good outlook, even if no one sees you smile.

Who would have thought... Chicago is starting to feel like home. Funny how that happens.


I hadn't truly decided to stay until my interview got cancelled at the beginning of November. Since that time...

I've moved (hopefully the last time for a while)

I've gotten my application into the Coast Guard Auxiliary and now have my weekends starting to look pretty booked.

I've made some closer friends that I met in October

I've met quite a few people outside my normal social circle through that psychology experiment I'm running called match.com since I joined at the beginning of January. Some horrendously awkward coffee and lunch dates so far but it has made me appreciate when someone that matches me well comes along. One in particular is slowly developing and unfolding. I'm excited to see where this continues to go.

I've allowed myself the option to be happy AND not feel guilty. I can't change the past. I can't change mistakes I may have made. I can't stop other people's choices and life changes... and there are more circumstances I can't control. Most of all.. I can't control everything.

And That's OK. .... (yes. Still working on true 150% acceptance of this statement. But slowly. Its my mantra lately).

and I've already posted it here before.. but this picture is what takes me back into the place where I first found balance. I was sitting on a rock in the middle of the river in Vancouver's Lynn Canyon. This is the place that comes to mind when I try to recapture what it felt like when things were right. This is home. And somehow I managed to capture it perfectly.

Where is the time going??

How is it already January 21. I am dumbfounded.

Still in that winter funk. But it is getting better. I took the bus this morning for a change of pace... and saw the Sun rising across the lake as we passed Loyola Park. I have forgotten much I enjoyed seeing the full sunrise every morning. It is too easy to take things for granted.

But that sun rise warmed me right to my toes on this VERY frigid and chilly days. I don't even want to look at a thermometer because it will just be more depressing.

I wish I'd been on the sidewalk so i could have taken a picture.. But this will suffice. It is from a sunrise over the lake last winter.

Lots but not to say

Been a busy couple of weeks. I've moved... again. If anyone is keeping count that is move #4 in chicago in 2 years, and move #7 since Jan 1 2006.

The holidays are over, the gloom is still here. Lights are going down and the grey cold fog is crouching on in. I take my bubble baths with a book almost nightly now.


I've started a blog post here many times over the last couple of weeks, and haven't hit publish. I know moping when I see it, and sometimes I just need to let those days pass without documenting them to embarrass myself later.

This girl and her soul need to get out of the city for a while. I haven't left Chicago since October, and haven't been on the water since October either. I start my Boat Crew class for 15 weeks of Saturdays on Jan 15, so if I want to do something this coming saturday is about my only full weekend from now until May.