For the last month or so ... pieces of my life from the last decade have started to intersect my current life. I'm not actively seeking them in any way, but I find myself surrounded by them. There's really not a way right now to avoid them without changing my patterns.  I didn't do anything to set this occurrence to start, so I'm hesitant to just skip out. 

I've done a pretty good job of avoiding the biological clock with my female friends. My current life resembles theirs in no way. My plans and activities don't even have the same palette of choices, so it makes wishful thinking kind of moot. 

But these pieces are making the "What If" part of my brain think. And ache a little. What if that high school sweetheart had stayed around... would the  married with a baby life he's  talking about have me in it instead? I'm glad we're sort of casual friends now, but I keep our topics on safe things. Its not his fault life took him somewhere else.. I just wish wish the salt wasn't going in the wound too.  But no real way to tactfully address this as all the talk is in mixed company. 

I can feel the beginning signs of SADD. I am just wanting to come home and shut away from the world... at the same time I want people to reach out to ME. To have my phone or email or even IM go off just once in a while... someone out there telling me I crossed their mind. I know how it feels to want that and so I try to initiate it myself too. 

I wrote Matt and Rebecca each a christmas Card. and as much as I want to send it .... something is keeping me from putting the stamp on them. Maybe its because I want him to have to remember that I'm here. That as much as he tries to pretend that I never touched his life.. he and Rebecca both touched mine. And I will never be the same... for good or bad. 

But what good would come out of that? He's had my number.. he has my email address. Since the text message he sent on the 1 year anniversary of leaving from Kentucky, there has been absolute silence, of every kind. So I think I know that this card would just be wishful thinking... I'd be watching the mailbox for days hoping something might come in return. And deep down... knowing it never will.