Goodbye Chicago. At least for now. I need to escape the looney bin. See you Monday.

Drama Llama

Drama.


I hate it.


It keeps following me lately.


I am tempted to take a huge Godzilla sized carrot and throw it over the fence for the Drama Llamas to go after.

Just 24 hours.. then I am on the road to hang out with friends for the weekend. I am long overdue for a change of scenery.

Magic the Gathering

I'm hooked.

This game is fun. It has been a while since I've been out and had a night so fun I lost track of time. I got home at 4am after spending the evening at a friend's house having tacos and learning how to play the game. The best part... it sounds like we will try and make this a regular thing. I don't know that I can be coming home at 4am on a weeknight, but it would be worth it to try.

Sidenote. Guinea pigs are awesome.

wondering

Some times, people do and say things that contradict each other. Why they do... at times, there is no real answer.

Life is messy. Life is complicated.

If we don't have hope... what else is left?

2011 has been the year of trying to find hope in the midst of losing a lot of things that I loved dearly or was very excited about. It seems that trend might be continuing a little bit longer.

In the mean time... I'll be walking past a certain coffeeshop quite often and wondering if ever there might be a chance I'd be walking by and someone I recognize might be on the other side waving back at me.

Call me Crazy

I love the beach. Its not a secret.

What perhaps might be the most shocking is that I actually enjoy the beach most when it is raining. There is no one else there! Put on the galoshes, let the fog roll off the water. Things sound muted, quieter, hazy. Yes it can often be chilly and wet and cold, but if dressed appropriately these conditions can be somewhat abated.

A day like this...a shot I took one of my previous trips to Washington State.

Northerly Island

I am back in my groove! I took a 10 mile wander along the lakefront today. I knew I wanted to check out some place I had never been, so I hit Monroe harbor, and started wandering south. Northerly Island is a small peninsula just south of the Planetarium.

It was a windy day, but so nice to find a place in Chicago where I could go and be relatively undisturbed!

Church Bells

St.Ignatius Church is right at the end of my street. It is an older church built in 1906, and run by a Jesuit order until 2000.

When I have the windows open, from anywhere in my apartment I can hear when the bells chime.

No matter how technologically advanced our society may become, some things seem timeless.

For whom the bell tolls : Time marches on : for whom the bell tolls :

So... Bathtime

Apparently there is an affinity for water in this house.

I almost had a little visitor earlier today:

Thankfully... that is as far as we got. My Bubble Bath Charlie!

The Global Family

In order for this post to make sense, some back story is probably required.

The christmas of 2008, I had just moved to Kentucky. The cost of the move had completely drained my finances, and whatever was left had gone into the bucket called "Graduate School". So that meant I was spending christmas in Kentucky with Matt and his family instead of in Arizona.

It was a very special Christmas for this particular group. That winter was the first time all of Matt's siblings (6 kids including Matt) had all been in the same place with their Mom in 15 years. 3 boys, 3 girls, and the kids and spouses that came with. I was included as a daughter in this group. To this day it still blows me away how accepting everyone was.

Christy, Matt's oldest sister, is one half of a 2 singer irish folk traveling duo called Four Shillings Short (www.art.net/4ss) . During the christmas visit, they did a house concert at Rebeccas house, in addition to a full concert fundraiser in Louisville. In the house concert, they played an old traditional ballad called Health to the Company:

words and music Traditional

Kind friends and companions, come join me in rhyme

Come lift up your voices in chorus with mine

Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain

For we may and might never all meet here again

Here's a health to the company and one to my lass

Let us drink and be merry all out of one glass

Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain.

For we may and might never all meet here again

Here's a health to the dear lass that I love so well

Her style and her beauty, sure none can excel

There's a smile upon her countenance as she sits on my knee

Sure there's no one in in this wide world as happy as we Our ship lies at harbor, she's ready to dock

I hope she's safe landed without any shock I

f ever we should meet again by land or by sea

I will always remember your kindness to me

Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain For we may and might never all meet here again

Susannah is Matt's other sister who sings Jazz (Music runs in this family I tell ya!) and she got up to sing with Christy and Aodh for this song. When they got the to words I've bolded in the songs, there was a real moment. That moment where you don't want to blink because it will become a moment of the past. A moment where you realize all the petty things in the world are just that... petty. And the real reason for being here was all standing in the room with you.

Why does this come up in my head now, over 2 and a half years later? I remember thinking at the time "how the HECK does a family go 15 years without being together?" I grew up in Arizona where family surrounded you. We got together at least every other month, and coming from a big family there was always a birthday or a party or a family dinner going on.

My own family, it turns out.... now I unfortunately have my own experience to share. The last time we were all together in one place was our family cruise to Mexico over Christmas-New Year 2008. Since then our family has grown with my nephew Tyler!

I will be going to Seattle in just under a month to spend some quality family time, even if it is a short visit. And it won't be the same because Elizabeth (wow.. I think that is the first time I have ever fully typed that out. She'll always be Beth in my head) is still in Africa. Her adventure is indefinite at this point.

I have finally laid to rest a die hard habit. Pack my days with MY schedule, MY agenda, so that I don't get "smothered" by my family. It is a hard feeling of resentment to shake. But I did it. I had originally planned to make a getaway trip to Vancouver, on Mother's day, no less. Yes I know. I'm a bad daughter for even considering it. Being gone and on my own has honed a much deeper appreciation for the people that are tied to us through no choice of our own, or so we say. Yet we do actually have a choice. We have a choice to either embrace that relationship and nurture it, or let it stagnate and have it mean nothing.

Especially as I am considering the prospect and excitment behind having my own family someday, it really makes me evaluate my connections to the one I already. So I called my parents on Sunday and told them I was cancelling my trip. I knew my parents would never have told me I couldn't go mostly because I would have gone anway.

But when I vocalized I wanted to stay to spend *QUALITY* time with them, you could hear it in my mom's voice as she said that was the best Mother's day gift she could ask for. My parents both know that Vancouver ranks as one of the top 3 favorite places in the world, and I was sacrificing a visit that meant a lot to me. My dad was just dad, giving me a hard time about not wanting to have to be a backseat passenger all the time.

It took a day to be joyous about the decision, I will be honest. It was that shifting and laying down new neural response patterns. Of going beyond what I know I should do to embracing it as what I truly want to do instead. And now I absolutely cannot wait to spend 5 minutes apiece hugging each one of them.

Oh. And apparently Dad is bringing JC the Donkey to Seattle. God I love my family. The picture here is from my dad telling me that JC had a hankering for some sour cream. Didn't my parents teach me not to play with my food?

new little baby

Some friends welcome their 3rd boy into the world at 10:30am today... Welcome Ryan! However just a few short hours later Ryan is now in NICU. That's all I've gotten information wise so far, but there is nothing more heartbreaking than babies hanging on for dear life. Lots and Lots of people are pulling for you little guy... hang in there.

If I didn't look at the calendar

I would think today was June, not April.

But I'm not complaining. NOT ONE BIT. I think getting my mani/pedi day on Friday was maybe a hint to Mister Weather that we needed some sandal weather, stat. And we got it!

I have been waiting ages to be able to head out in sandals and a skirt and walk the beach. It was really the right choice moving back to Rogers Park and back within beach viewing distance. I absolutely love the ability to go right to the water's edge, and look out towards the horizon and not see a single sign of human civilization (when the sailboats are in the way I just blot them out with my thumb. Yes, I know that's cheating. So Shush already :D)

I haven't made the walk to go climb my rock yet, but we have plenty of time for that. Everyone just seems to HAPPY to be at the beach. People running, on bikes, just chilling, reading (like me), anything is better when it is surrounded by fresh air. In all this time I've never actually gone swimming in Lake Michigan. Maybe I will do that this year, we'll see.

I had a momentary twinge of longing for the Coast Guard boat time. I had to remind myself that I can still go out on the patrols, I just have to get on the waiting list to go as a guest instead of as crew. Hopefully I can do that at least a few times this season.

The day is winding down but here is to having every single of my 8 windows open, a strong breeze, the smell of fresh air and incoming rain. There's just one more thing that would make this a perfect night.

The power of words

This doesn't get emphasized enough.

Today at work, a series of words came out of my mouth that drastically changed someone's life. Each word in any other context would have been nothing of note. This one time, they were lined up in the exact order that I spoke them. They were spoke, they were heard, and then they were comprehended. Then they had true power.

They were words that I had to say as part of my job. And again, each word alone would have meant nothing. If I had not spoke, tomorrow would just be another day like today, and the one before it.

Your words have power. Every. single.one. Both spoken and written, but especially spoken. There is something about the connection experience in that sensory language that heightens the communication.

I am usually not one for small talk or chitchat. If something needs to be said I'll say it, if not I am perfectly content to not speak. I actually had my Boat Crew instructor comment on this as he was giving me a lift to the train one day. He had been talking in front of the class for over 3 hours and I figured he might be ready for a break. I just gazed out the window and relaxed in the car for a good 10 minutes until he said "You don't talk much". Me: "Nope. But I can if you would like me to".

It is still sinking in that the words I spoke today will never be forgotten by someone. Think about that. If you were saying something never to be forgotten, what would you be saying? What would someone tell you that you would never forget?

I remember when 12 years old, and my piano teacher's husband was very ill. When I was 6-8 years old he used to ask me to play the piano for him and would tell me that we would one day play an Opera together. He was a man bigger than life, until he wasn't. All these years later, I still remember those conversations. Little moments that to someone else were either a moment of dementia or else just making conversation. These moments have been woven into the fabric of my memory and are how I will think of some people for the rest of my life.

Words. They are just letters put together. L E T T E R S. I L O V E Y O U . W A R . K E T C H U P.

sometimes

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this life.

All the good... all the bad.

And then I realize. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I cherish the chance to be me, despite all my history. Despite all my past.

Somewhere out there is someone just for me.... who has been through a life like mine and who knows me for what it means. Someday...

Landmark Forum

Its been a couple of weeks since I have written.

A lot has happened.. a lot to process.

I thought I knew what to expect going into the Landmark Forum. I was mistaken. I was blown away.

We as human beings are such amazing creatures. Part of that comes the downfall that we create our reality. And our reality is based on whatever conceptions we place in front of ourselves at any given time. It was an amazing weekend. I thought I had myself all together before I walked in that door at the beginning of the conference. I went because a very dear friend pretty much left me with no choice. I've seen how much of a difference his involvement with Landmark has made in the lives of him and his family, and trusted his judgement. He did not let me down.

Just in 2 short weeks.. I have a brand new relationship with my boss. I used to resent her attitude of "Family mafia" style management. I used to resent that she tried to be a second mother to me. That resistance put a strain on my ability to communicate effectively with her in a professional manner, and I was suffering for it.

It was all about how I was looking at the situation. She has definitely noticed the difference in me, and even if I am still more than slightly weirded out that she continues to mimic me any time I do anything major (major haircut/color, major weight loss, yet another major haircut/color), mimicry is a form of flattery, right?

It really made me remember we only get 1 set of parents. Whether or not they do what I think is right based on where I am sitting.. mine made the best choices they could in the circumstances they had. It couldn't have been easy facing huge medical bills from my meningitis as young newlywed parents at 27. They were my age when I was admitted.

My parents can feel the difference. My mom knew about landmark and they were really touched that I spent 30 minutes trying to track them literally halfway around the globe from Tanzania to LAX where they had literally walked out of customs 20 minutes before I talked to them.

I told them both I'd never get off the phone without saying I Love You. I'm sticking to that for life, even if it means I have to not mean the words. Then it will be fake it till you make it time.

And perhaps most surprisingly... I've got a small flame in my heart that is slowly growing. We'll see where that leads.. So far I really like the direction. Sometimes you just KNOW.