My Sis is coming!

No matter how many fights or tantrums you had growing up, there's always something absolutely comfortable about being around siblings. I am glad mine have grown up in the right ways, and are for the most part fun to have around.

My little baby sister is turning 21 this weekend, and asked to come visit me her for her birthday. So, with a reward ticket from daddy funding her travel, she's coming up here for the weekend.

The plan so far is to take her down to Loyola and check out the medical campus, have some deep dish pizza for lunch, wander around downtown afterwards, and then head back up to my neighborhood and just play the rest of the evening by ear. I think I'm starting to become a fairly comfortable tour guide, though I should probably brush up on my towers of Chicago in case she asks.

I love how some memories catch you by surprise... in such a pleasant way. I've really been trying to be better about bridging back friendships that may have not been on the forefront for a while. Last night was one of these successes, and I went to bed with a smile from ear to ear, warm fuzzys in my belly, and this poem in my heart:


HAD I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

William B. Yeats

windy

Just a little note.. it was crazy windy out on our nightly walk. I have a hard time hearing wind sometimes, but I had no problem in this case. Leaves all over, dusty was freaking out.

It won't be long before the weather turns nasty cold, but until it does, I'm loving every minute of this. I'm starting to get together a list of the forest preserves, and work on finding places to go hiking and walking on the weekends.

Grandma news is not encouraging at the moment, as she was admitted to the hospital overnight during the weekend, and released but sent home with portable oxygen tanks to use 24/7. She was also given 2 catheter bags to bypass her kidneys, alleviating some discomfort and allowing her to sleep through the night without getting up 4-5 times a night. Hopefully that'll add up to some more restful sleep.

Affirming Change

Sometimes books, people, and events come into our lives with uncanny timing. I have had the book Anatomy of the Spirit on my shelf for a couple years, and have picked it up and started a few times. However, its message and action plan is really relevant for everything I am going through right now.

Some of the author's comments include people saying they think they were better off before they realized they were unhappy, because once you make this realization, you must do 1 of 2 things. You must either decide to not longer wish to be unhappy, and make things CHANGE. Or, you can change nothing, but because you are aware of your unhappiness, the same situations will hold no joy either. This is how I felt for a long time, and I really struggled with my loyalty to those I love, wanting to stick things out and never give up. However, I need to be loyal to myself too. And that meant realizing sometimes I can't fix everything. And that big scary C word is something that I needed to open my arms up to.

In a way, I am recovering in a lot of ways. Physically, the walking that is just part of life here really does help on a base level to adjust my moods, since physical activity is just good in general. I spend more time outside than I would if I was driving everywhere and not doing said walking. Image wise, I'm working on addressing my responses to stress and people pleasing, which is often to eat, even when I am not hungry. Just these two small awarenesses have shaved 2 years off my face, from what I have been told.

Now comes the acceptance that I AM a beautiful person, even if I don't feel I'm beautiful to some people. I need to work at staying healthy, which the exercise starts, as well as mental health too. All these things work together in tandem. Once you find your focus and your goal, addressing all of these things makes tweaks and changes that help to bring balance back. I've still got a long way to go, but I can at least take a deep breath and be OK with this path. Before last weekend, I was really feeling like I was just a victim in this situation, practically ran out of town because no one loved me enough to want to ask me to stay.

I know I have a strong desire to feel validated and wanted by other people. But, I am learning that if this is what I base my happiness on, I will ALWAYS be let down. What makes matters worse, this let down is often most painful the closer you are to people, and it can quickly turn into a cycle that makes you just shut down emotionally. I was on the verge of letting that happen to me. Now, I am aware and open to the idea of validating my life here, and doing it in a way that is embracing of me. I am here to love and take care of people... all people. I am here to give back in what ways I can, even if I don't receive a word of thanks. It is not my call whether some one is worthy or not of my compassion... for there's a reason our eyes are in our head and not in our heart.

My Old Kentucky Home

As I type this I am about nearly done with a quickie road trip back to Louisville to get my winter stuff, as well as the boxes that did not make it in the truck the first time around.

First meetings in new dynamics are always extremely awkward, but I said what I needed to say in order to clear my mind and leave with a clean conscience. While certain moments were far from pleasant, I feel like there is a better sense of closure on where I stood on things, which were hard to discern in all the drama that surrounded my leaving 2 months ago.

It is interesting to watch the interactions others have within their relationships, especially when one party is one you know extremely well. While it can touch a sensitive nerve, at the same time it can be a sign of true priorities, and just how much the human race as a whole seeks companionship, even at a high cost. I can definitely attest to the extreme loneliness, but I have found that I need a balance between my independence and that companionship. I am seeing what the picture would be like if I was willing to significantly compromise that independence, and I am not sure I would enjoy it, in the long term. It would appear that compromise is acceptable to others, and I wish them the best.

Exiled

The obligatory work update... other than the ginormous papercut I got yesterday, things are going really really well. I've been able to randomly stop and talk with a variety of people, including both of my department coworkers, and my boss. Catching on as best as can be expected, and my cube is starting to feel like I work there.


Grandma update: Its worse, but possibly better news than was originally given. Long story short, doctors disagree on the initial diagnosis and treatment options, so some additional tests are being done before an ultimate decision.

Today was a rainy day. Thats not necessarily a bad thing, but it was definitely a rainy day. I have been getting questions from work about how I came to be in Chicago, and its been hard to find a way to tell a plausible, true story without getting stuck on the details and being put on a trip down memory lane. I wasn't able to avoid that later today.

Ultimately, I have someone in my life who for the last 4 years I have loved very much. People come together in all manners of ways, and while it may not classify a relationship, it certainly sets the tone. Looking back on our relationship evolution, it is hard to look at what transpired and not instantly blame myself and want to try to fix the situations time and time again. I'd been trying to fix something that could never be fixed because we had different viewpoints about why we were together in the first place. This realization and acceptance was the true catalyst for my move, but it nothing is every that simple.

Here I am in Chicago, hundreds of miles away from everyone I love, everything thats familiar, in a proclaimed journey of self discovery for "The Lesson" and enlightenment. But while this is happening, it means I'm completely alone, night after night, more broke than I have ever been in my life, and feeling like a four year old girl who wants a big someone to just hold me and soothe me. Someone to be the friend to me that I have been countless times, when you just hurt so much you simply want the presence and assurance of someone there. Not words of sucking it up and dealing with it, not badmouthing. Because once the head clears, i'm pretty good at the stuff on my own.

But right now I want nothing more than just a comfort that I can lean against, just close my eyes, and have someone tell me its gonna be ok, I can relax, someone else will take the night watch tonight.

Since that's obviously not happening, I took the dog out and had a good cry and thought about lots of other stuff that I've already forgotten now that I'm back in front of the computer.

Sometimes I wonder what all of these experiences are doing to me as a person... and who will be the person at the end of the tunnel. I hope she likes the color green, because I better not lose my eyes.

Chicago Style Hotdogs

Yesterday was supposed to be a day that included some mini golf, as well as a run to Scooters for some custard. However, we were a no win for either of those places! The mini golf had already closed for the season, even though we've had mid 70's weather all weekend. For Scooters, it wasn't open until 1:00pm, and we got there at 12:30.

Because someone had to get to work by 2, we ended up heading the way we'd came and had lunch at Flub-A-Dub-Chub's instead. At this place was my second experience with the Chicago style hot dog eating. The picture to the right is exactly what my hotdog looked like, except I only got 1. The relish was super green, and was a little freaky lookin. But you eat the hot dog with the pickle on top just the way it is, and its not as easy as it looks! At Flub's, if you try to put Ketchup on your hot dog, they will take your picture and add it to their "Ketchup wall of Shame". There were quite a few pictures up there. It was a nice, cozy little stand, and I am glad that I had a chance to kick back with my friends.

Going 2 months without a paycheck is tough, and now its down to the crunch time. So, this will probably be the last chance I get to eat out for another month, since all my paycheck at the end of the month is going towards rent. But life goes on, and I'll make do somehow.

Dealing

This week was a tough one... I had some personal struggles, as well as 2 cases of difficult medical complications in my family. As I type, my mom has arrived in Minnesota today to be with my grandma who was diagnosed with a large tumor growth in her bladder. Surgery is out of the question, and at her age, the effects of chemo will likely be just as bad or worse than the effects of the tumor itself. Doctors are giving her realistically through christmas, at the most optimistic. No one knows what this means for our cruise travel plans, and all the details that entails.

I am really having a hard time right now adjusting to a new support network, and then having to spend all this week alone after work aside from the tuesday house show. I think too much, and these evenings are my enemy. I've tried to combat with a good hour long walk in the evenings, with limited success. I enjoyed a bottle of ravenswood cabernet, which at least helped to silence my mind a little while trying to get to sleep.

I've reached the end of my first week of work, and am happy to report my boss is in love with my work, and I'm making friends. I've had lunch twice with a gal in another department, and today we took the train home together, with her getting off a stop before me. I'm glad the week is over for the smorgasboard of treats that were part of the customer service appreciation week. It was a bit much compared to my diet the last month, and I wanted to enjoy the time with everyone else. I do know having regular ice cream does my tummy a little upset, as today showed.

Tomorrow is a game of mini golf in the morning, and then I guess I need to hunt up some quarters and try to find some time to do laundry, since I only have 2 pairs of pants I can wear to work, outside of my black dress pants. I don't want to start feeling like I'm trying too hard, when everyone else can still scale it and be chic and casual. And pay the bills. The Other big thing.

On with the week

I made it through day 2! Lots of stuff to learn, but I think I've got the right mind and am paying attention to the details in a way that is impressing my boss. Towards the end of the day yesterday we were starting to get to the training of actually doing the job, instead of just background information about the organization.


And no Tuesday would be complete without a dose of Dr. Gregory House in his sarcastic finest. While the episode was a rerun, it was an oldie but a goody. Lots of classic Houseisms, and there was a video at the end of the episode that was put together from comments folks made throughout the show. It portrays House as this loving, caring doctor who started his medical career after watching Patch Adams. That alone is priceless!

The First Day

First days are always fun. Fun, fun fun. I got to work about 30 minutes early, so grabbed a small cup of coffee and read the Red Eye for a few minutes before heading on in. The training and background went well, and I am remembering a whole lot more of my massage research than I thought!

To remember one of the sets of category codes for data, I made the acronym "We Never Invite Robots" as a way of remembering the categories. It made me laugh, at least!

There's a lot to take in, and we haven't even started getting to the actual job duties. Today was all meetings over general company policy, guidelines, mission statement, etc and then a 2 and a half hour meeting with HR going over the benefits and employee handbook. All in all.. it was a 10 hour day by the time I got home, took the dog out, and got started on the process of getting some grub in my belly. Hopefully I can work out a better time schedule and shave off about 10 minutes on either side - that will give me enough time to get to work and still be a few minutes early, but not so much that the day keeps feeling longer and longer.

I hope the debates tomorrow don't cancel the next episode of House - its not tuesday without my heaping dose of sarcasm!

Sweet Baby Rays

A group of us went out for dinner last night at Sweet Baby Ray's, followed by a couple hours of fun at Gameworks letting the inner kid out. I ordered the top seller Pulled Pork Sandwich, which was very tasty - it has definitely earned its rep! New to my tastes were sweet potato fries, which were sweet in a not overpowering way, with the fries being sliced smaller.

Gameworks was FUN!!! Well, I guess I shouldn't so sound surprised because I've gone in the past and had a blast. It was a 21+ crowd from 9 pm to close, so it helped to at least keep the general level of maturity up a little bit. I got to play the ewok game .... and if there's one motivation to improve your playing, it costs you less to keep playing a game!

It was a little uncomfortable at first since we had a group of 7 people, and I only knew 2. Add in the fact that the restaurant and Gameworks were both loud, I was a little hoarse by the time I was heading home. But, I still had fun. That's what matters!

I'm now watching Blues Brothers for the first time, and watching the chicago locations pop up during the course of the movie. Very eye opening experience to go back and watch some of my favorites and see them in a totally new light.

Tomorrow is the new job start, finally! I had to run and get some new pants, and stocked up my desk emergency supply bag, along with printing the airline tix info for the cruise we're taking in December to have proof of my vacation request.

Last Day of Freedom

This is hopefully the last day for a long long time where I am involuntarily not working on a weekday. I hopped on the Clark St. bus towards downtown, just people watching and seeing the sights go by. I wanted to grab lunch at Portillos, and was fortunate to have gotten on the bus that would drop me literally right at the doorstep. As soon as I realized, I made a dash for the bus door and was able to get off before it started rolling again.



Lunch was a bacon cheeseburger and cheddar cheese fries, and perfect for the cool day we've had so far. I'm definitely much less overwhelmed when walking around downtown now that i understand the numbering scheme and can visually recognize areas of town and buildings. Portillos was just a block north of the Maggianos I spent 2 hours trying to find in August, so that was definitely a memorable flashback.

I used up the balance on my starbucks gift card to grab some coffee and read a magazine before hopping on the red line back up to my part of town.

As the weather cools down, I am definitely starting to feel underdressed here. Phoenix was very very casual, and the other cities I've lived in were by no means fashion hubs. I guess I've got a clean slate since I had to leave all of my winter clothes behind, save for a fleece jacket and some sweaters to pull over. It's not going to be cheap finding these clothes right now, but I will do some homework and find some thrift stores/Marshalls and see what luck I have there.

Counting Down

I am down to 2 days of freedom before I become a productive member of society (ha!) again. As I type this, I am currently waiting on the service dept at the toyota dealership to finish the routine maintenance on my truck. Its one of those things you gotta do, and I'd rather get it done and out of the way before I have to miss work over it. The next thing would be to get down and get a haircut - I haven't had one since February! That's a looong time.

The chilly air is here, and it felt good to be wrapped in a blanket last night while watching TV. Having some sherbet probably wasn't helpful but hey, I wanted to eat my strawberries!