Affirming Change

Sometimes books, people, and events come into our lives with uncanny timing. I have had the book Anatomy of the Spirit on my shelf for a couple years, and have picked it up and started a few times. However, its message and action plan is really relevant for everything I am going through right now.

Some of the author's comments include people saying they think they were better off before they realized they were unhappy, because once you make this realization, you must do 1 of 2 things. You must either decide to not longer wish to be unhappy, and make things CHANGE. Or, you can change nothing, but because you are aware of your unhappiness, the same situations will hold no joy either. This is how I felt for a long time, and I really struggled with my loyalty to those I love, wanting to stick things out and never give up. However, I need to be loyal to myself too. And that meant realizing sometimes I can't fix everything. And that big scary C word is something that I needed to open my arms up to.

In a way, I am recovering in a lot of ways. Physically, the walking that is just part of life here really does help on a base level to adjust my moods, since physical activity is just good in general. I spend more time outside than I would if I was driving everywhere and not doing said walking. Image wise, I'm working on addressing my responses to stress and people pleasing, which is often to eat, even when I am not hungry. Just these two small awarenesses have shaved 2 years off my face, from what I have been told.

Now comes the acceptance that I AM a beautiful person, even if I don't feel I'm beautiful to some people. I need to work at staying healthy, which the exercise starts, as well as mental health too. All these things work together in tandem. Once you find your focus and your goal, addressing all of these things makes tweaks and changes that help to bring balance back. I've still got a long way to go, but I can at least take a deep breath and be OK with this path. Before last weekend, I was really feeling like I was just a victim in this situation, practically ran out of town because no one loved me enough to want to ask me to stay.

I know I have a strong desire to feel validated and wanted by other people. But, I am learning that if this is what I base my happiness on, I will ALWAYS be let down. What makes matters worse, this let down is often most painful the closer you are to people, and it can quickly turn into a cycle that makes you just shut down emotionally. I was on the verge of letting that happen to me. Now, I am aware and open to the idea of validating my life here, and doing it in a way that is embracing of me. I am here to love and take care of people... all people. I am here to give back in what ways I can, even if I don't receive a word of thanks. It is not my call whether some one is worthy or not of my compassion... for there's a reason our eyes are in our head and not in our heart.