Sunday, February 21, 2010

looking back

Last weekend I did a 2k mile roadtrip to Western NY and Toronto over the weekend.

I've had a lot of emotions tied to this trip, some expected and others that were a surprise.


The biggest thing I didn't expect was to feel a sense of belonging as soon as I was in the area. I moved to Chicago from Kentucky because I didn't have anything to go back to in Rochester, or so I thought. Job wise that is probably true. The surroundings are what got me.

Living and bounded by Chicago's transit system, I have yearned for the freedom I used to have to get out of the often traveled paths and just be by myself. I had this in abundance in New York, and had a pretty good balance. I took my belly dance classes, went hiking on the weekends, and had friends that I still keep in touch with today.

It really enforced my gut feeling that Chicago is not where I'm meant to end up. Its difficult to figure out how much of the New York itch is for my remembrance of only the good things. New york was not perfect. But, it was the place I first started learning to be happy being single. I was coming to the cusp of that knowledge and lifestyle when I packed up and moved to Kentucky to be with Matt.

I can't even begin to describe the feeling of coming back somewhere and having people WAITING for me. Having them fighting for my attention for the few precious days I was there. I was in New york for almost 2 years. I have been in Chicago for a year and a half.

I've gotten better at resisting impulse decisions. I still have a strong desire to live in Vancouver as well, and it has been 6 months since I made that trip. I don't have any of my previous excuses to lean a decision one way or the other. While its liberating... any mistakes are also 100% my own. I know better than to be crippled by that consequence, but I'm having a hard time balancing the "if its what you want, do it" and the risk that all of this is just loneliness here kicking in.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Creative Spark

Over the last few weeks, a friend of mine who enjoys non traditional writing and sound experience projects has been bouncing a lot of his stories and pieces of his stories off me.

This was the first time I've had the chance to creatively think about pleasure writing and all of its possible forms in several years. There is a totally different animal involved when the words are not your own and you can just play with them, sort of the same way you would do with a words magnet Fridge kit.

But in any case... the writing juices are starting to flow. They're not the same ones I had earlier. I have a good chunk of poems that I went through the trouble of digging up last week. Oh my lordy some of them are BAD. BAD BAD BAD. But, a handful still strike me as moving, and I am finding it ironic now that those pieces all are all ones I just wrote for fun, not based on any specific real instance or feeling or emotion. Maybe that was part of that one step removed process.

I thought I'd post my 3 top favorites here.

old man sitting on the corner
a worn cap in his fragile hands
sure this was the place she said
that bench at half past two
clock to chime the hours passed
and still he sat to wait
she'd have a flower in her hair
if she remembered again today
at dusk he finally went inside
stopped a nurse down the hall
"have you seen my wife" he said






Bitch

candied tone
a poor disguise
your smile spews
embittered lies
malicious snares
in fervor plied
acerbic gaze from
wickedness imbibed
no sympathy inside
for these
crocodile tears
you try




Wrapped around my mind
flimsy paper lanterns shine
Dangling carefree down
from thin tattered twine
lively color patterns dance
A finger twirls edges round
bouncing light, shadows lost
paths never traveled twice
Every angle, a different view
best seen filtered through
Direct gaze and expose
colors run to blend a grey
 
Windy City Memories. Design by Exotic Mommie. Illustraion By DaPino