Heartbroken

I just found out today that the #1 reason I joined the US Coast Guard Auxiliary... I have been told I will not be given the final certification due to my hearing loss and concern for my safety and that of other crew members during on the water patrols.

This has been my dream since I was old enough to know there was a coast guard. I got my hopes up when i found out about the Auxiliary in October, and after going on 2 patrols as a guest I could see myself being involved in boat crew patrols for the rest of my life if I was near water. This is no longer an option for me anymore. The only boat/water related option for me at this point is Vessel Safety Examiner, which all takes place on land. While I know it is valuable, I can't swallow having to turn down my dream, AGAIN. I woke up voluntarily on Saturdays at 5am to get my ass to this class that goes for 9 months.

But now... my dog is gone. My class is gone. My family is gone. All the things that I had finally put real effort to make some semblance of a life here in the last 6 months have all completely disinigrated. I feel like I need to look for something overseas.. there's no reason to stay here anymore. Being here hurts too much.

I have to look out my window at work and Lake Michigan takes up 65% of the view. Every time I looked out the window before I could see the station and I would get excited about the next time I would be going out. Now its just a constant reminder of what my deafness is stopping me from doing. I need my own damn boat.

Dusty is gone

A lot can happen in 24 hours.

Long story short.... I put dusty on a plane to arizona last night. It was a heartbreaking thing to do. I don't need to relive the details as to why here right now.. maybe another day. Right now I'm just trying to make it through tonight.

There are toys everywhere. Tennis balls. bones. Dog food.. water bowl. It is like I have an invisible dog. But I didn't realize how much I rely on him to be waiting by the door for me when i get home. It felt wrong to come in and not see him right there.

Adjustment

You can never quite see what's coming... this is true yet again. In the middle of this recent change of course I'm doing my damnedest to not squash hope about Life In General (tm). It is sitting in the corner trying to hide from my SADD infested self that is slowly recovering from the gloomy grey snowy wet weekend we just had.

The sun is out now and I am keeping my eyes on the glass to try and soak up as much as I can. Hopefully I can wander around during my lunch.

Hope will make it... even if I have to tie my hands behind my back.

Ghosts of books

I met someone last month and they lent me a book that I have DEVOURED. I read over half the book in less than 24 hours.

One page of text has stuck with me.. this is an excerpt from The Club Dumas by Arturo Perez-Reverte:

The ghosts of my books roam within its walls. ... sometimes I feel they come back to demand that I make amends. So, to placate them, I take up the violin that you see there and I play for hours, wandering through the house in darkness, like one of the damned. ... The wandering book collector."

I had goosebumps after reading this passage... really enjoying this book. I'm really glad for the chance to be meeting new people, even if the romantic prospects don't happen.

It's all one day at a time.. and finding the moments that make you smile.

World in Technicolor

I don't know what it is about today.

But so many things are popping out in colors I've never seen before, in places I have been time and time again.

Walking on Kingsbury Ave and seeing a teal building in the midst of brick.

Being at the Bryn Mawr stop and seeing the corner hotel at the block east, with hunter green and olive yellow paint accent.

The different colored glass panes in a Loyola Brick Building. Green, Red, Purple, Blue. all solid glass panes.

The mauve brick of the Loyola Parking garage, and the Red fire boxes in the same place above each other on every floor.

Black water tower with crooked steps.

I had my camera out for some pictures of the massive snow earlier. I will update those later. For now.. I just wanted to get these down. Wish I had been able to get clearer shots of all these technicolor moments since I was on the moving train. Dirty glass and movement never seem to go well for pictures.