Friday, February 27, 2009

AntiClimatic

Today was an absolutely crazy day. My brain is exhausted. I came home, curled up in the blanket on the couch and haven't moved since. I wish I had telekinetic skills and could make my phone fly from the table and order some grub for dinner. I'm afraid if I cooked I'd forget about the food as soon as I stepped out of the kitchen, and then have a lovely burning smell!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Makeup is an interesting product. By principle, I rarely wear it, except on special occasions or when I feel like taking the extra effort.

Monday this week, I had insane amounts of time to kill before work and so just put some brown eyeliner and mascara on. I got no less than 4 comments/compliments.

Tuesday, I did the eyeliner, mascara, and just a brush of some bronze tone shadow. More comments.

Today, I did the same. More comments. All from different people. It makes me wonder.. do I really look that bad without makeup?? Having allergy reactions come through my skin makes for all sorts of fun as well as the fun hormone rollercoaster, but it just surprised me how that one simple thing drew so many comments, just from people walking by and talking to me.

In other news... my favorite boots are dying. I've have them for over 4 years, and they get leaky when its rainy/wet on the ground now. Hopefully it'll warm up quick and I can put off that shopping trip till the fall.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Some things never change


This picture was taken almost 2 years to the week ago. The pup and couch belong to the friend's house I spent more time at than my own, in my pre-Dusty days. The edge of the wine glass is just visible to my side.

Trade the couch and dog for a brown couch and dusty warming my feet.... and that is just about how I look at the moment.

And man. I really loved those brown socks. They were my warmest pair... I lost track of them and they disappeared :(

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Maybe I need a Life

My Internet Scrabble Club (ISC) stats:

Games Won: 410
Games Lost : 409

Maybe I'll throw a party when I reach the 1,000 games mark!

I made a little booklet for a friend for xmas last year, where they can write down all the cool words you want to remember, sorted by alpha tabs. I made myself one too, I really need to have that OUT when I play so I can actually remember to put the words in!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

This explains some things...




Your Personality is Very Rare (INTJ)



Your personality type is logical, uncompromising, independent, and nonconformist.



Only about 3% of all people have your personality, including 2% of all women and 4% of all men.

You are Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Judging.

Sometimes I'm Clueless.

I played a DVD last Sunday, and then suddenly Thursday night I'm laying in bed, and I'm hearing.... music. The TV was off, and I hear *nothing* from othe other apartments. I get up and realize the menu music from the DVD (about 20 seconds long) was still playing through the surround sound. Fixed that problem.

The worst part is that this 20 second clip had been playing for 5 days before I even noticed.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I was going to post this as a reply to a comment, then thought it might make more sense here, to explain some of my own journey.

I lived with a Buddhist for a year in Kentucky, who had previously been a devout Catholic who died in her 40's, and 15 minutes later was revived. She saw something in those 15 minutes that made her leave the Catholic church, and she has never looked back.

Now, 30 years later, she is a Piute shaman, Buddhist, and also a protector of ancient Mayan peace pipes. She also holds a doctorate in Holistic Psychology, and every time I think that the world is going to pieces, I just have to picture this woman in my mind.

There is something completely different about being in her gaze. When she looks at me... I can see that she sees right through my eyes to my heart, and especially to the things I do not say. She has opened so many doors in me, both emotionally and spiritually. Some of the most difficult steps I've made as a human being have been because of her true desire for all to embrace compassion, especially compassion for one's self. That is something that I was never educated about, but makes all the difference in true, long -lasting wellbeing.

Most of all... this woman accepted me into her family with arms wide open, as if I was another daughter. There was a moment at Christmas where all of us - the 2 daughters, a daughter in law, and myself were all in the kitchen, and the next thing we know we're all hugging and crying and laughing. Some of the guys came into see what all the commotion was about, but wisely tiptoed back the way they came!

One of this woman's many other talents is acting as a spiritual guide for Sacred Ritual Site tours - the last tour they took was to Tibet and Nepal, to visit with the Monks and the monasteries there. I would love to be on their trip in 2010 if there was ever a way to pull it off.

While all romantic relationships leave their mark, this is by far the best gift I could ever have asked for.

Past and Present

While I'm trying to focus on some work stuff, my mind went off on this train of thought. Writing it down here so I don't forget.

Why do I feel so much connection to the Buddhism background... instead of the christianity embraced in my childhood. Why do I feel my beliefs in better hands when the church is so corrupted.

Why... does more sincerity ring out in a room of 5 people singing aged chants, hundreds of years old, with no accompanyment, no singers on the stage. Just pure compassion, pure love.

I never felt more love, more peace, more compassion, than when i embraced these characteristics as the calling for my existence. When I compare Christian followers to those declared buddhists, the duality of christianity is not seen in the on the other side. The internal conflict in your daily life doesn't tear you apart. It is a concious decision, each and every second, to embrace peace and share love. Its not about what movies you don't watch, what you don't read, and who's mosic you listen to. It all comes down to the core of YOU.

Tempermental Office Supplies

At work, I have a stapler that has some OCD issues. Whenever there are about 15-20 staples left, it starts to act up and jam. I have no idea why. I have learned that trying to force those remaining staples to clear is useless. But, if I just fill the stapler back up behind those 15-20 staples, all of the sudden there is absolutely no issue. I give up.

At least I can pretend its a purdy Swingline Stapler.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Fighting Insecurities

I can't pinpoint a specific trigger that had my mind so wrapped around some things this week, but I had a really hard time fighting some past impulses and thought patterns. In particular... I contemplated taking a road trip to Louisville this weekend. I spent more time than I want to admit thinking about the trip, and trying to justify it to myself. I had back up plans to back up plans - everything from just making the drive there and back in one day, to making it a surprise trip so my fears of being rejected would be "minimized".

I am forever grateful I know myself well enough to recognize when I'm going into "not the brightest idea" territory. The unwavering honesty of my closest friends is hard to hear at times, but it is what I love most about them. In this case... they threw back the words I had so strongly left on the table the last time I was in Kentucky : That the friendship and feelings that drew me there would only be healthy going forward for me if I was met half way.

Driving all the way to Louisville is not half way. And while I won't have to have the experience of beating myself up for going on the drive back, it still surprised me how much the holes in my life can burn so strongly.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

No Baking :(

I'm sick. Like leaving work early because I don't want to get sick on my way home on the bus sick. I know better than to spread the germs in cupcakes.

*crawls back into bed*

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Holiday Sweets

I'm going to be making some red velvet cupcakes and sugar cookies tomorrow night.. I am looking forward to it!!

I needed to find a good cream cheese recipe for frosting, and get a little more practice with frosting in general. One of my favorite cookies is a molasses cookie with frosting in between the pieces, and I want them to be spectacular before I feed them to any guinea pigs.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Good Intentions

this song sums up my life right now..

Song: GOOD INTENTIONS
by: Toad the Wet Sprocket

Its hard to rely on my good intentions
When my heads full of things that I cant mention
Seems I usually get things right
But I cant understand what I did last night

Its hard to rely on my own good senses
When I miss so much that requires attention
Have to laugh at myself sometimes
And I can see that Im not blind

Theres little relief
Give us reprieve
For all the things Ive left behind
Im positive that Im not blind

Im not afraid things wont get better
But it feels like this has gone on forever
You have to cry with your own blue tears
Have to laugh with your own good cheer

Its hard to rely on my good intentions
When my heads full of things that I cant mention
Seems I usually get things right
But I cant understand what I did last night

Theres little relief
Give us reprieve
Imagining the world outside
Im positive that Im not blind

I cant be hard on you
cause you know Ive been there too
Learned a lot of things from you

But life gives little relief
Give us reprieve
And when everyone is cold as ice
I clinch my fists and close my eyes
Imagining the world outside
But I can see that Im not blind

Piano... Maybe!

There's a small, independently owned music/instrument store down the street. I walked by it last night and nearly got giddy seeing all the sheet Music. I used to buy sheet music the way some people buy DVDS or CDs. I've probably spent over $1500 on sheet music in my music endeavors, including professional discounts I recieved when I bought them. I sent an email to the shop to ask about possibly renting the instruction room for practice time, in exchange for either a nominal fee or being willing to help with lessons.

I am almost too excited about this. It has been years since I've had steady access to a *true* piano, and there are some days I really miss the outlet. I am also hoping if I can brush up, then I can try getting back into the wedding industry here. That would be the quickest way for me to net some extra cash, with the smallest time constraints but also more flexibility.

*crosses fingers*

Saturday, February 7, 2009

SUNSHINE!!

So 50 degrees + SUNSHINE = I'm going to truly enjoy this day. Cleaned up a little around the house, then it'll be take Dusty out, and then I think I'm going to spend some time walking around, see where I end up. I've got my book, a little spare cash to cover a coffee and some lunch, and mostly just relax. I'll deal with Real Life tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I haven't written anything deep in a while. Its been tough to try and figure out where to start. How to grapple with this tangible ... emptiness. I've been lonely and lived alone before for several years, I knew what to expect there.

This is the first time it seems I'm really having to separate myself from everyone I care about.

I am a very intense person. It makes things difficult at times. I throw myself into just about everything I do, and it can and does catch people off guard. I've gotten better at massively chilling out, at least in my outward interactions. But it doesn't stop the thought processes, and it makes me infuriatingly impatient sometimes that I can't seem to find anyone in my current circles who shares this trait, if only to understand where I was coming from.

The nightmare flashbacks have come back. I can't escape; even if I wake up, I know how it ends. The amount of detail and clarity, even after all these years makes it feel like that day is replaying itself over and over again. I don't know what brought it on or how to stop it. It is a burning hole in my heart I will carry for the rest of my life. Its hard to think about how someday someone new I love would react if they knew the truth.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Twilight

I've read all 4 books, and yes, I'm a fan. Feels kinda weird to be "one of the girls", finally. I was reading the books on loan from a friend, and so gave her back the first 3 after I finished them, and I've been rereading the 4th every day for the last week.

I checked out the Chicago Public Library online to see about snagging the other books to read again. I am astounded. For JUST the 3rd book, CPL has 160 + copies ( I counted!) and every. single. one. is either checked out, on hold, or in intralibrary transit.

Does this mean I'm doomed to actually be productive again? I was so enjoying losing myself in a book the way I did before I began college and my reading turned to having to read 200-300 pgs a week of textbooks. It took 3 years after graduating from ASU and then a 6 month break from Grad School for this love of pleasure reading to return. It makes up for the double loss of no piano. I can't have everything, I know.
 
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