I haven't written anything deep in a while. Its been tough to try and figure out where to start. How to grapple with this tangible ... emptiness. I've been lonely and lived alone before for several years, I knew what to expect there.

This is the first time it seems I'm really having to separate myself from everyone I care about.

I am a very intense person. It makes things difficult at times. I throw myself into just about everything I do, and it can and does catch people off guard. I've gotten better at massively chilling out, at least in my outward interactions. But it doesn't stop the thought processes, and it makes me infuriatingly impatient sometimes that I can't seem to find anyone in my current circles who shares this trait, if only to understand where I was coming from.

The nightmare flashbacks have come back. I can't escape; even if I wake up, I know how it ends. The amount of detail and clarity, even after all these years makes it feel like that day is replaying itself over and over again. I don't know what brought it on or how to stop it. It is a burning hole in my heart I will carry for the rest of my life. Its hard to think about how someday someone new I love would react if they knew the truth.