Catching up

Last week was one that I'll never forget. I still feel like I'm four steps behind everyone today, but the aching hole that we all felt on Friday and Saturday has been softened with family time, laughs, and good memories.

I will forever cherish Gramma's recipe books and baking pieces that hold so many memories. I don't even want to bake, I just want to read the recipes and see her in my mind.

Goodbye Gramma

Gramma passed away this morning at 12:30am.

The sun is coming up over the lake at the horizon, but the sky is bringing down the rain. This a pretty good way to describe how things feel right now.

I know better than to try and work myself through the day, so just going in to tie up loose ends, put in my notice for bereavement leave, then come home and pack. I need to also get some sleep before I drive 8 hrs... last night was negligible.

Achy Breaky Heart

So it seems I spoke too soon about getting a good night's sleep. I am wide wide awake with a brain that is churning and a heart that is feeling a little more broken than it has in the past.

About a week ago, I was reading through some of my first entries upon arriving in Chicago. It was nice to see that some things have changed, some of stayed the same, and some surprised me. Tonight my big question is why am I always the one who seems to have to let go .... it seemed like a betrayal to my own feelings to work at being genuinely happy that someone I love very much has found happiness, even if it is not with me. Even though I know that us together was not the healthiest thing for us both in the long term, it doesn't change how I feel. Even after all this time, and no consistent contact and now not seeing him for the longest time ever in 4 years, I miss the way he could make me smile about the smallest things, or coming home and just knowing that he'd thought about me during the day.

I have been working really hard on figuring myself out. I've gotten over the job hurdle and what I really want my work/life balance to look like. I've started holding myself accountable again for my health and exercise. I've made conscious efforts to make new friends, even if as I make them they are having to turn into virtual friends. I've had to work on healing the broken heart that was ripped apart by my final decision to leave, and then having to piece it back together on my own.

I am not a person who loves lightly. It takes a strong friendship first before I even become interested, and that means that I become emotionally invested. It would probably also explain the friendships that remain after the slow transition of relationships is completed.

Just sometimes... there are nights like this where the bed just seems too big. Where all I would love is just the comfortable companionship of going about your day knowing that at least one person just can't wait to talk to you.... just to hear your voice.

Blissful Sunshine

I just added up my miles for today - a little over 8.5 Miles!!! Whee. No wonder my feet hurt just a little bit, since I was wearing my Teva sandals instead of tennis shoes.

It feels good to have soaked up some high quality sunshine. Today was in the low 70's for a high, but not a cloud in sight. Did some mini golf, loads and loads of walking, and now I am just content to sit and relax for the rest of the evening. I am going to sleep GOOD tonight!

Comiskey Field ... not

Got my first taste of the previously known as Comiskey field today for an attempt at a White Sox game. The game was delayed out due to rain, but definitely still worth the trip for the good company and atmosphere. I was hearing a lot from folks more familiar with both Wrigley and Comiskey that the renaming took the $68 million from US Cellular and put it all back into the stadium for updates and repairs. That was cool to hear. I'll have to get a Wrigley experience in soon to make my own comparison.

In other news... the "Swine Flu" has hit my office. A coworker (HR won't release a name, but I've got my guess) has been officially diagnosed, and it's still business as usual with the sick folk out recovering and heightened sanitary reminders in place. Gotta love germ phobia.

Moment of Truth

With all the stress of extra work lately, I have not been as diligent about what I have been putting in my mouth as I know I should be. I've managed to keep up a decent amount of exercise between not having the car and taking 3-5 mile walks on the weekend days. But, the emotional strings are getting tugged a little more often lately, and that is especially when I know I have a tendency to just eat for the sake of having something to *do*.

So I'm back on Weight Watchers before it really becomes an issue. Having the points and portions reminder is what has worked for me in past. So there, I've committed myself somewhere other than my brain.

and on a completely seperate note, it is soooo obvious when romantic movies are directed by a woman. The Wedding Date is on right now, and its the small things like panning the camera with them rubbing feet while otherwise occupied. I looked on IMDB because I wasn't 100% sure, but I was right!

Healing

May 22 came and went this year without as much anguish as previous years. RIP Sam I am.

As I told a dear dear friend about 2 months ago, I'll forgive myself one day. For now, I'm not continuing to inflict more guilt. Dusty has been my saviour and my salve in so many ways...

Season Mixup

I just shut the windows, pulled on my snuggle socks, and made some tea. Oh, and then I looked at the calendar and saw that it says June. Anyone from AZ still unmelted?

Calm after the storm

I had a friend from AZ visiting last week, so any spare time I had immediately disappeared, including time to update the good ol' blog. One of our places we hit was Navy Pier and Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. I do not have a seafood friend in Chicago, so it was very nice to each eat nearly a pound of shrimp! Yum!!!

Good news, gramma is doing OK. She's still needing help strength wise to stand up and walk, but she seems to be comfortable in the nursing home and relatively pain free. I am waiting for my cash flow to build back up again so I can see about making another road trip out either at the end of June or beginning of July. My only worry is that rental cars continue to get more expensive as the summer goes on. Hopefully Hertz is realizing I may become a frequent customer and is willing to cut me a deal.