Achy Breaky Heart

So it seems I spoke too soon about getting a good night's sleep. I am wide wide awake with a brain that is churning and a heart that is feeling a little more broken than it has in the past.

About a week ago, I was reading through some of my first entries upon arriving in Chicago. It was nice to see that some things have changed, some of stayed the same, and some surprised me. Tonight my big question is why am I always the one who seems to have to let go .... it seemed like a betrayal to my own feelings to work at being genuinely happy that someone I love very much has found happiness, even if it is not with me. Even though I know that us together was not the healthiest thing for us both in the long term, it doesn't change how I feel. Even after all this time, and no consistent contact and now not seeing him for the longest time ever in 4 years, I miss the way he could make me smile about the smallest things, or coming home and just knowing that he'd thought about me during the day.

I have been working really hard on figuring myself out. I've gotten over the job hurdle and what I really want my work/life balance to look like. I've started holding myself accountable again for my health and exercise. I've made conscious efforts to make new friends, even if as I make them they are having to turn into virtual friends. I've had to work on healing the broken heart that was ripped apart by my final decision to leave, and then having to piece it back together on my own.

I am not a person who loves lightly. It takes a strong friendship first before I even become interested, and that means that I become emotionally invested. It would probably also explain the friendships that remain after the slow transition of relationships is completed.

Just sometimes... there are nights like this where the bed just seems too big. Where all I would love is just the comfortable companionship of going about your day knowing that at least one person just can't wait to talk to you.... just to hear your voice.