WHEEEEEE!!!!!

I have a job. The Job. Start Monday.


*breathe HUGE sigh of relief*

This is what I looked like while on the phone.

No News is ... no news

"we hope to make our decision" dates keep getting pushed back... and back.... and back. Meanwhile, my estimate that I would not be working before October 1 seems to be all but reality.

So tomorrow is yet another interview, and possibly a rescue to help figure out why my surround sound seems to be such a pain lately. Getting ready to make my grocery list for a little upside down chocolate pudding cake, and maybe some honey mustard pork chops.

Roadtrip - Lanesboro, MN

After 8 years, I have finally set foot in Lanesboro, MN again. I paid a visit to my grandmother for her 88th birthday on Friday, and stayed the weekend to enjoy some free food, and good company.

In a way... this visit also helped to act as a "reset" button for Chicago. I've been missing a lot of Kentucky lately as that is the last place I've left. By going away to a different place, I've come back and really saw my apartment here as HOME. With no hustle and bustle of city life for 2 days (doors are left unlocked in this town, for the most part), I am ready to ease back into reality.

Best of all... Fall is Coming. It was so relaxing to see the leaves starting to change, with some already reaching deep shades of red in some places. Fall is my favorite time of year, and the mornings with the crisp air, the cooler evenings, and curling up with a cup of tea or coffee before the hard cold of winter hits. It was a beautiful six hour drive each way, not including the city traffic time once inside the city limits.

I feel a lot more "connected" now after being able to visit with family and know they are willing and interested in spending time with me when I am in town. Right now tentative plans are in place for me to head back for Thanksgiving.


Dusty did fabulous as a guest in Grandma's apartment, and I'm glad he had no accidents other than the first time meet leak that I was prepared for. The best part of the weekend when it came to him was watching him "play" with grandma when she was walking around with her cane. He would be in front facing her, and every time she took a step and the cane moved, he would get all excited, chase around, and wiggle some more, at which point she'd have taken another step and it would start all over again. I think Grandma was starting to warm up to him a little, after seeing how mellow he was during the day. Ever the great car rider, he slept most of the way back, and even now is asleep on the floor next to the sofa.

It's been a long weekend for both of us, waking up both days about 7:30am, and crashing about 1:00am. I will be happy to be sleeping in my own bed tonight.

Lost and Found

I was starting to wonder where my favorite shirt and new bra had wandered off to earlier this week when I went looking for them. It occured to me earlier today I probably didn't pull all of the clothes out of the dryer when I did laundry last week. I crossed my fingers and hoped they were still about as I came home tonight, and they were! I am so happy!!!

And now I can wake up at 6am, do laundry, then hit the road for Lanesboro, MN to wish my grandmother a happy birthday.

Insomnia

I should know better... but taking a 3 hour nap this afternoon combined with a glass of Coke... its 2:15am and here I am wide awake. Thank goodness nothing to rush out of bed for. Found a cool picture portraying the state of mind I'd love to have right now...

Jumble

Today has been a somewhat stressful day, but productive as well. I had a second callback interview for the inside sales position, and heard from the HR manager from a second one asking for my release on a background check. That's a good sign, since background checks are expensive and usually only done to help narrow down or allow for approval of a selected candidate. Hopefully I will hear something by tomorrow on at least ONE of these 3 jobs - the waiting is starting to wear me down! I was OK with the constant interviews when I at least knew where I stood. Now I've got 2 on my plate that I've had second interviews for, and the third was just really really positive while I was there. It could go any direction as this point.

But... at least there's HOUSE!!

Dreaming

Without the job to occupy my time, I turn to doing the best I can to make this studio feel like home. With only 1 closet, I am at a huge crunch for storage space. I'm pretty proud of the strategy I've used so far, which leaves me with only a handful of boxes with no place to call home. Ideally, I need a second bookshelf or shelf space somewhere, and some creative re-organizing to make everything work. Lastly... a stand for the TV and to hide the cables from the DVD surround sound speakers.

I found what I was looking for online at IKEA, and took a trip out to the one in Schaumburg to look at the piece in person. I can't afford any big purchases until I have a paycheck again, so this trip was mostly to eyeball the piece, and see how heavy the box(s) were. The one for the TV stand was 97 lbs. No way I'd be able to get that all the way up to my apartment by myself. I checked the delivery charges for my area, and I'd be looking at $120 additional in delivery, minimum, which is actually MORE than the cost of the stand itself!

I ran into the same issue with the sofabed - it was on sale for $99, but it cost me $100 to have it delivered and brought up to my floor. It's frustrating that I can't automatically assume I've got a second pair of hands, which in these cases is really all I needed. Everyone's doing their own thing, and I'm out of the way enough that its not just running across the street to help someone out, it's a several hour commitment. Another reason why I'm so thankful I had some help getting the boxes out of my truck from the move into the city.

*SIGH* Sometimes I wish I wasn't so responsible about things. I would love nothing more than to feel comfortable bringing my friends over and having a space for us to hang out - I want to fulfill my entertainment bug just as much as them, and it would be nice to have them coming to me, for once. But instead, I have a place to sleep, some folding chairs, and that's about it. I've been pretty good about not being nostalgic about my NY townhouse- the situation there was the exact opposite!! I had all the space in the world, comfortable places to sit, a full kitchen table set.... and no one to invite over. I swear... i'd love to win, one of these times - just once!

I'm missing my family. I'm mising what used to be my best friend.... ever since I got back to Kentucky in August after the first round of interviews, I've observed changes which left me living with a total stranger. Everyone changes... but it seems like these changes drove a wedge in between our very close friendship. I'm not sure why... and this is one of the things that has been the hardest to deal with. Circumstances beyond human control have not made matters any easier, and so instead I sit in the silence... sometimes wondering when I'll ever have the answers I'm asking for. The scariest part... something tells me I won't like the answer.

Somewhere out there.... my quirky pieces fit into a puzzle I can't even fathom .. I just hope I can maintain the integrity and strong resolve to keep myself unique.

Superdawg Saturday!

I was looking over my blog today and it must appear I do nothing but squander away money at restaurants. Part of these meals comes from the amazing generosity of friends and adopted family here, and every day I continue to be amazed at how much they have opened their homes and their hearts. I know some days have been very difficult in the past 3 weeks, but it was moments with these folks that made the difference between a day spent in tears and alone, or at least able to get out for a few hours.

Today was the first time that the 4 of us, which I affectionately call "the gang" have actually been together hanging out since the 4th of July weekend trip I made before making the decision to move up here. It's amazing how time has flown by since then!


Only one of us had been to Chicago's famous Superdawg Hot Dog Drive in stand, and so we went there today, grabbed some dawgs, and then kicked back and watched some episodes of Robot Chicken.

I have kept an eye on the power reports for Louisville, and can only hope that no news is good news, since I don't want to add an additional drain on electric resources. People know how to get ahold of me, I just hope they do, soon.

As for the job front, I am weary this week of the search. I couldn't find it in me to put in the 20-30 hours a week finding job postings, and replying. But, I think I can feel comfortable with a little lull based on the two pending interviews I had this week, both of which lasted nearly 2 hours, and while neither will make me rich, one position in particular has an EXCELLENT benefits package, a very laid back, but extremely productive work environment, and an amazing department manager.

This particular manager was the first person to really pick over my resume, and comment on my objective statement. This makes me feel good about the company as well, because it was a risk throwing out words like creativity, teamwork, and social responsibility. For the longest time, I didn't even have an objective statement on my resume, but figured if I was specific in the areas that mattered as far as office environment and work style, I could be more broad as it pertained to a specific position.

It is also nice to have some verified benchmarks for my wpm/keystroke speed. I had a very rough idea, but on an unfamiliar computer and under the pressure of a timed test, I averaged 67 words per minute with 99% accuracy, and 10,440 keystrokes per hour with 99% accuracy for the data entry portion. I was very very happy with those numbers, hehe.


As for the final decision being made by a chiropractic office I had interviewed for, I was informed the decision date was moved to Friday (yesterday) but didn't receive a call before the end of the day. I'll give them a call on Monday, but compared to the enthusiasm I received from the 2 interviews this week, the chiropractic enthusiasm seems lackluster at best. I am still thinking positively in all three aspects, but realistic to the nature of the job market as well.

Above all is the attempt to minimize financial stress. I am doing everything I can at the moment, holding off any big purchases, and paying what I can. Besides... like the Mastercard commercial says, you can't put a price tag on some experiences in life. I know I will look back, years from now, and be glad for this experience. The blog is so I can remember all the details in my old age!

New Breakfast Haunt

I had a quick not so successful interview today for a part time job, and so I hit the recommended Ann Sather restaurant before the weekend breakfast rush. Delicious! The cinnamon rolls had come strongly recommended, and I wasn't even able to make a large dent, so they are sitting on my table waiting for my next hunger pains. Something tells me it'll be a while before that time comes!

Happy Birthday to Me

Well... I'm almost no longer the birthday girl, but it wasn't a bad day, so that right there is cause for celebration!

Had a very strong interview this morning, followed by cupcakes and coffee at Intelligentsia, and a nice relaxing chat sitting outdoors in the beautiful sunshine. Dusty was absolutely thrilled with the car ride to the Lakefront park, and promptly wore himself out chasing after the squirrels and birds - Mission Accomplished! I enjoyed some Cold Stone which is free on your birthday, picked up some movies to watch. They'll have to wait until tomorrow; I can barely keep my eyes open as it is.

I did it!

As much as I was tempted to back out at the last minute, I went to the meeting earlier tonight for the Spades game. My team ended up winning both hands! Yay! we played for about 4 hours, and also took a little break to eat some chinese and just relax for a few minutes. It is a very relaxing feeling to be able to go out on the town without having to drive - I've hit my longest driving mark since I've come to the city. I haven't driven since I got home on Sunday evening - 4 days!!! And in that time I've been all over the city, explored the metra train, taken the el, buses, and walked to interviews, and a couple other destinations.

Just 9 more minutes until I ring in 25 years on Planet Earth. At least now I don't feel quite so bad at my current state of affairs - I've officially made some new friends!

Spades!

I have a group "date" tonight to play Spades with a Spades club here in Chicago. They originally had a meetup scheduled on saturday, but it got cancelled, and so they are rescheduling a smaller group to meet tonight at Driftwood Inn, about a mile from my house. I wasn't going to be able to make the Saturday meeting anyway since other birthday festivities are being planned, but they invited me to the meeting tonight, and I'm going!

I'm a little nervous, but I am glad I am doing this. The one thing I really regretted living in Louisville, and to a lesser extent in Rochester was not making an effort early on to make a new group of friends. I was part of the Rochester RATS group, but only met up with them once, and there was about 15 people playing a trivia game. It was a little overwhelming, so I think getting to meet 3 other people first, and then working my way up to the rescheduled meeting for Sunday will fit my comfort level enough to keep pushing it without bailing early because I got too overwhelmed. They seem excited to meet me... poor souls ! Just kidding, Just kidding.

Full Moon

As I laid down tonight, I had a great view of the full moon through my window. It was quite bright, lighting up the courtyard below the window. Maybe because of the full moon, Dusty was wide awake and pacing at 2:15 this morning, and so I have just gotten back inside from taking him out - that has seemed to do the trick after he's relieved himself, and seems to be settling back down.

My heart is heavy tonight ... I'm settling in here but the loose ends are what always take the longest to find resolution. It is hard to swallow the hurt of feeling taken for granted, and with no evidenced reciprocity of interest in the effort required to maintain a strong long distance friendship. Old patterns have quickly surfaced, but my willingness to go down this road again is held back by seeing the results of this road over the last several years, and I deserve so much better than that. Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me.

And yet the heart hears things that the mind does not, and refuses to extinguish a small ray of hope that I truly mean something to at least someone in this world... because it feels awfully lonely indeed if this is not the case. All I want is to be loved.

Aspirations

This is the first time since I was in high school where I have not been employed in some capacity, for this length of time. This gap has led me to several realizations, some of startled even me.

Walking to the Sears Tower for my interview, I was filled with what seemed anticipation - this could be the "IT" job: Successful company in sears tower + Downtown Chicago + Suit = SUCCESS. Except there was one small problem with that equation. I couldn't see myself being happy in that environment long term. With all the past employment choices, and this one in reality being no different since I still have bills to pay, I've been trying to narrow my choices from the myriad to those that could possibly offer more long term stability, both in employment and in meeting what I consider my happiness quotient.

While downtown is still certainly accessibly from my current housing location, I do not want the 10 hour working life. here, the job is not just the 8 hours on the job, but often includes an hour plus commute each way to work, making your day a minimum of 10 hours. Its not just a question of Dusty's physical comfort, but the fact that I am uncomfortable committing to this lifestyle while single, will be only that much more difficult when I do come across another relationship someday and hopefully have a family down the road. I don't want my job to define who I am ... I am Amy. Who happens to work at _____. The day your career becomes you is the day you will never be able to feel successful, for a career will always fail you. I just have to look at my employment track record to be reminded just how quickly your thoughts of security can be proven wrong.

Chicago = PIZZA!

Today was another day of firsts, as I tried some pizza from GINO'S EAST! Their crust is made using cornmeal, and has a different taste compared to Giordano's, another deep crust staple here. I liked it - would probably try some of their thin crust next time to compare.


Best part was having some Blue Moon on tap - another first!

The rain has finally ended after 3 days, and the flooding is being managed, with some major street closings and delays at the O'Hare Airport. I am glad to be above ground, and out of the flooding basement scenario. Makes it much easier to sleep at night.

I've been dwelling on some job/career related thoughts, as well as my need to remove myself from associations which are less than healthy and causing me to put myself in situations not in my best interest. I haven't quite articulated all of these thoughts yet, but as they come together they'll be included here as well.

Draw of water

(Picture I took of Sodus Bay on Lake Ontario, NY)




I have always been drawn to water... and in a way my moves across the country these last few years have always followed this pattern: First Lake Ontario in Rochester NY, where I lived walking distance to the lake and spent often 2-3 days a week walking along the beaches, listening to the call of the water. Even Louisville, KY had the Ohio River along its borders, and I literally worked on the water for the summer, and often got to work early (6:45am!!) just to have a few moments to stand at the waters edge. There is nothing like watching the sun come up over the horizon, its reflection mirroring off the water as the ball of fire came up over the bridges.

And now... I'm in the midst of Lake Michigan. I have not wandered down to the water from this apartment yet, as I feel like there is no rush. I know the cold will soon be upon us, and I remember the first time I stood on the edge of Lake Ontario in October fresh off the plane from Arizona. Bone chilled as the wind whipped through me, I was still ecstatic at the sight of the endless water. On the clear nights..... you could see the lights of Toronto off in the distance. It was like a long off calling, distant lands that tempted, if only you could walk across the water.

One of my favorite novels of all time is Kate Chopin's The Awakening, and one of the select quotes I have carried in memory for almost 10 years:

"The voice of the sea is seductive; never ceasing, whispering, clearing, murmuring, inviting the soul to wander for a spell in the abysses of solitude; to lose itself in mazes of inward contemplation. The voice of the sea speaks to the soul. The touch of the sea is sensuous, enfolding the body in its soft, close embrace."

Far From Home

When I parked after some errands last night, my spot ended up being behind a van for the Cambodian Buddhists. I had noticed earlier yesterday that a house across the street was putting up prayer flags, and this brought over such a wave of nostalgia.

Far much more than I can feel any magnetism driving by a church, these flags are so much simpler... and so much more on a personal level. I have come to love the Buddhists for their embrace of the responsibility of their own path. No one else can do it for you, or tell you what it is you must do to find what it is you seek ... and when you begin, sometimes it is unclear what it is you even seek!

I wish them any peace I can offer ... this world needs as much peace as we can each pull from within ourselves.

Missing my drum

Back in February I was part of a Native American drum crafting workshop, and thoroughly loved every minute of it. Taking to heart the true self journey that is part of this experience, I spent quite a while waiting for the right design to present itself to me. I forget when it happened, but this is what I started to sketch onto the drum, because of the yanta that it represents:

When focused upon, this yantra mandala brings us to the center of ourselves, and allows for self-love. By engaging in the act of self-love we are more able to love those around us. And by doing this, we are living in a more loving world. This symbol reminds us of the enormous chain reaction love can have. By just starting with a little love in the center (ourselves), we are able to dynamically affect the entire world.


From the craziness, the drum never made it with me on the move, and now I'm really feeling like the art of putting this on color (I had sketched out and done the main outlines) would really be a visual representation of what has been going on in my head and in my heart these last couple weeks. But, I am afraid of having it shipped out, due to the drumheads being so delicate. My best hope is that I can pick up the drum when I go back to KY in December.

simple things

Today was the first day I have managed to sleep past 7am, without waking up and then trying to fall back asleep. It took a few days, but I am glad I have an alarm clock ready for the working days to ensure my timely awakening.

Not much to report today... In limbo while waiting for some interview decisions to be made, although I was contacted for a part time position that actually fills in very nicely with the staggered schedule for one of the jobs, so I will be following up with them based on what news I hear back.

So instead I watched a movie, did more job searching, and just tried not to think about life in general for a while. Hope those on scattered edges are doing well... my thoughts go with you, even if sometimes the voice mails dont.

My Family

At the end of the day... this is the little man who gets to share my bed. or hog it, depending on how you look at it! This move has brought us back to the "mom n me" relationship we used to have, and I have re-established our house rules, which include Dusty trying to be cute to get his way.... case in point:

I wish I could see the stars

I will have to get used to all the city lights here drowning out the night sky. The stars used to be my window to dreams... a place where it seemed the grime of the day to day hadn't reach quite all the way.

and so instead.... I smile that exploding dog comics have taken a shining to including dogs, and this one pretty much sums things up:

12 Day Mark

So my time in the Windy City has almost reached 2 weeks. Today started out with a lot of promise. I had a call back interview for a medical office nearby, and found out that they had selected the top candidate in each of their 3 group interviews, and so I was one of their top three picks. I had a quick but informative interview with the Clinic Director, who took my references and will be making a decision by this time next week. This office is busy, but they did do a great job of getting back to me within a week of my last interview, so hopefully the 3rd time's the charm when they call, and I will be on my way back to employment very shortly.

The Sears Tower job ended up being a bust - I had given my bottom pay amount, and they were not willing to meet it. I can't afford to go any lower, and it was brought up that working in a bankruptcy law firm might not be the most positive of work environments. Very true. So, all of this went down before I was supposed to leave for my second interview with their hiring manager.

Because I was still bummed about this turn of events, I made plans for a late lunch date with a friend at Potbelly Sandwhich Works. It was my first time eating at this place, but I was very pleased. I got a cup of soup and a sandwich, and it was a great way to kick back for an hour and pretend that I wasn't so frustrated with the state of our economy right now.

Sears Tower Interview!

My interview today was on the 51st floor of the Sears Tower! The view from the reception room looked directly out onto Lake Michigan, where there was not a cloud in the sky, and the water was a deep deep blue.

The Attorney's office window had a view on the same wall but onto the harbor, which made for a very pleasant background to a very good interview.

I've been asked to come back tomorrow to meet with the Hiring Manager. I think I may need to make a shopping trip for a second pair of dress pants, as I think I should mix up my outfit if the interviews are a day after the other!

In other good news, tomorrow morning I also have a second call back interview for the Chiropractic clinic 4 blocks from my apartment. Tomorrow is a busy day!

Straw Bale Building

I'm so proud of Matt for everything he's done on this project!

CNN Videos still had the live interview they did in July at our house, so I am posting it here:

How I feel this Morning

Some Memories

Just a few last memories from Louisville, KY:


The View from my walk to work every morning:
(2nd St Bridge in Foreground, I-65 in background)



















Dusty Saying Goodbye to his Straw Bale:

Interviews

Today I have an interview at the Sears Tower. I've had several interviews downtown in the loop, but this is the first time In The Sears Tower. Its on the 51st floor. I've never been that high up in a building. Highest to date was the 28th floor of an apartment. *gulp* I'll be fine, but it'll be a memorable interview, that's for sure.


I'm slowly getting better at accepting responsibility for my state of mind. Yesterday I made a trip up to Peets Coffee in Evanston - one of the best coffee chains around, and one of my absolute favorites for whole bean coffee. Soooo aromatic! Yesterday was the first time I've had a cup of coffee since arriving in Chicago, and I came home and also made a pot of tea as the night got cooler.

I scored a deal on a Mountain Hardware polartex layering piece while waiting out the rain yesterday afternoon in an outdoors shop. Out here, you need all the warmth you can get!

The mornings as crisp... I feel like I'm back in New York where you don't want to wake up because the bed is so warm. I miss my bed. I'm not going to complain about what I have now because its light years from the air mattress last week, but I miss the queen size room to stretch out without either my head or my feet, or even both hanging out over the edge. I miss the beautiful gray frame that I fell in love with. The feeling that my bedroom was an oasis where once I went in, the problems of the day stayed below in the downstairs.

I miss waking up and having a nice, steaming hot cup of coffee placed in my hands and having someone to say good morning to. That quiet awareness of people living around you, everyone doing their own thing, but just the comfort that someone cares enough you're alive, breathing, and notices when you don't seem quite right. Amazing how easy it is to disguise this in interactions over the internet or even on the phone.

Social Norms

I am a loss right now of people in my life that can truly relate to what I am going through, or what my life has been like the last 5 years. There are virtually none of my older social circle who was even moved out of the Phoenix area, is not currently married, does not have kids, or has lived alone and away from their families.

For the ones I truly trust and consider close friends, this is not as much as a problem, as they interact with me enough on a regular basis to be sensitive to the trials, and relate as they can.

I am not sure what to feel. I don't know if I'm supposed to feel like something is wrong with me that I'm not in a permanent relationship when so many of my comparative peers have crossed that milestone. Or whether I'm searching for something out there that's only in my head that the majority of the world doesn't seem to see or feel its existence.

What I cannot deny, is the impact that my time in the above circumstances has had on my thought processes, my self identity, and my goals in life. I am in the process of realizing that I cannot use these milestones others seem to have as a marker for happiness, but I must find a way to be happy with myself whatever the circumstances. Thats right, I need to find a way to be happy while unemployed, broke, living in a strange city and alone.

ok, so I need to be happy. How do I go about that? Be OK with being alone. Ha! If the blog entries from the past week are any indication, I'm still a little bitter about this status. So that one needs more work.

But more than anything .... there is something out there so much bigger than the collective actions that make up our days, weeks, months, lives. For me it has become the connection to the world we live in and how to live each day maximizing that connection. And to silence out the distractions that relationships, jobs, families make on realizing and listening to what this really means. The best part comes when you can literally feel that connection warming you from within, a sense of comfort in this chaotic world.... an embrace of love.

Pictures

This blog needs Pictures. I know! I'm waiting to take pics of the place until I can grab a little power drill and finish my hangings of curtains and the spice rack. Right now the place looks like someone just moved in, so I should just take advantage of that for as long as I can, right??


It is very refreshing to have sunlight in the apartment, and yet I find myself wishing I had a little less light first thing in the morning. I can't really sleep well once the sun comes up; as a result, I've been waking up between 6:30-7 every morning. Back in the cave... I would sleep in till 9,10,11 if given the chance with the dark space. Can't have it all, I guess.

Baby Steps

I have officially been a Chicago resident for one week. It's still not quite sunk in, but if I made it through this first week, everything else is downhill from here. Whether I believe it or not!

This afternoon, a group of friends (I have friends here!!!! Wow!!!!) were kind enough to oblige my need for captioning in the movie theathre, so we went to go see Dark Knight, which had the closed caption teleprompter thingamagie. I was very very impressed with the movie, which kept you on your toes and didn't slow down!

The other big achievement was separation anxiety for both Dusty and I. By the time I dropped someone off, and then spent 15 mins trying to find a place to park on the street, it had been over 7 hours since I had walked out the door. Other than leaking a little as I hooked up the leash to run him downstairs, there was no accident waiting for me when I got home. Whew. The house wasn't torn up, and Dusty was very very excited to see me. All ready to play and everything!

There are times I throw back the thought of the freedom of no pets and being able to stay out all hours of the night, like the rest of the group is doing right now. But, I am the one living alone, and they are not. I would rather have the companionship for all the other hours except those few where I feel a little tied down. Who knows, maybe that feeling will persist, but I will deal with that when the time comes. I am learning to acknowledge my thoughts and worries, but not to dwell on them, or at least not to make decisions based on them until I have reached a more stable place of mind. I've got a couple more weeks, I think, before I can say I've arrived at that point.

and so in the dark, with the fan and the sound of Dusty contendly chewing on the bone in the background, I am winding down my day.

Involuntary Slow Down

Just about every place in the country by Arizona has weather systems... and I've got my first Chicago migraine. I'm glad I didn't have much planned for today, and I think that I'm going to combat it with some dinner, a bath, and some scrabble, if my eyes can hold out.

TGIF!

I've almost hit the one week mark living in Chicago. Progress!

The rain has passed, and now we have partly cloudy days on the forecast through the weekend, with temps hovering around in the 70s. Last night was a stressful one for 30 minutes while Dusty was being stubborn about the nightly ritual as it was POURING rain outside. After that 30 mins, I gave up, took him back inside and toweled him dry before letting him loose in the apartment. Luckily, there were no accidents, and we even slept in until 9:15a before going outside.

Today is going to be a little slower, no interviews but I desperately need to do laundry, and then its the wait for the delivery guys. This afternoon, I envision just kicking back with another movie, maybe a trip down to the post office to mail some Trader joe's contraband. There's a nice big post office just around the corner. I might even head down to Borders and just walk around inside for a few minutes, though there's not anything in there I honestly need.

It just keeps getting better

getting better, all the time! The Beatles sure knew how to belt out some tunes.

I had an interview with a finance temp staffing agency today, and the position they're filling is actually at UIC. I was very pleasantly surprised, and it turned out this position is one UIC ultimately wants to turn into a permanent position. That would be awesome news. I am not quite sure how I'd swing the part time thing, but I told them my min. pay requirements, and the recruiter said part time would be about 25 hrs. a week. It would be worth the juggle of 2 part time jobs to get my foot in the door at a place like that, though. I am thinking positive thoughts, and this week has been a very encouraging one in terms of responses to my job inquiries - the interview today was just set up yesterday, less than 24 hours ago!


Today after the interview I stopped by Trader joes to take advantage of the close location, and stumbled upon a winery called Argyle Winery. Since I live on a street with the same name, it seemed fitting to purchase the pinot noir as a house warming bottle. It was a little more than I had planned to spend a $23 for the bottle, but there was a shiraz on sale of $3.99, so I just got 2 bottles for $27 - not a bad deal at all! So I think this afternoon I'm going to put in a movie, and put my wine rack/bakers cart together. The temp's stayed down, its pouring rain out, and I am feeling settled in enough to tackle some tools. After the cart, I'll start with the spice rack in the kitchen, and putting up the photos from Kevin.

Mmmm.... I picked up some manchego cheese for my wine, I am glad that I waited to truly crack open anything and celebrate. At least today, I feel like I actually have something worth celebrating. And I forgot to buy some bandaids, but I did remember quarters for laundry and to get my cashier's check for october's rent. Just having that money in a check form was a huge weight - I am responsible, I am on my way to being able to consistently afford this place.

My bed is being delivered tomorrow! YAY!!! One last night on this air mattress, though I might keep it inflated as another place for dusty or someone to sit. If it's up against the wall with my roll pillow against the wall, it doesn't make a half bad couch, even if its really really low to the ground.

The other thing about the UIC job that just occured to me - with the winter session break, most likely the school will be shut down for the holidays and so hopefully there'd be no trouble taking time off to take dusty down to Louisville and then do the cruise this winter.

After I get my mental status all sorted out .. time to set some goals on the physical status. I love having these wooden floors, I just need to get my yoga mat out of my truck. I think I will make that my goal, to always have enough room to dance or do yoga, and then I think I'm going to start doing yoga in the morning to combat that negative energy.

Morning Apathy

I used to wake up in such a great mood... I need to find the magic that made that happen again.

I am sure part of it is my back protesting the continued sleep on an air mattress while I wait delivery of the futon style sofa bed *hopefully* tomorrow. and the other a small migraine from the weather system that is dropping rain on us right now. And, the fact that I haven't had a cup of coffee since the burnt coffee I had on the drive up to Chicago. Now that the heat has gone away for a day, I think I can turn on the gas stove and not be afraid to make a little heat, and make some coffee at some point today.

Yesterday dusty slept in till 10:15 or so before needing to go out. No such luck today. at 7:10 am, we were out walking in the rain taking care of business. I am too awake to try and go back to sleep, but I think I am going to finish the rest of my movie before starting the day.

Job Hunt

I haven't landed THE job yet, but I've made a goal today to try and at least have 1 interview per day. For this week, I had an interview Tues afternoon, one in 45 mins, and another tomorrow afternoon. Can't get the job if you're not out there. I'm also getting a chance to see the different neighborhoods, and have done some driving towards the north and west to get an idea just how far some places are - maps can be very deceiving, and I also don't want to waste my time if the neighborhood doesn't send the right vibe, as was the case with my interview yesterday.

I am feeling the most clearheaded today than I have any day so far. That is a sign of forward progress, I shall hope. if nothing else, even if the morning starts off shaky, I am trying very hard not to let that monopolize my mind set for the rest of the day. I've been waiting until 9-10am to do the meditations as a way of acknowledging my feelings at a given time, but then having a finite point in time in which I need to take all the negative energy and channel it instead towards something more positive and productive. My goal now is to continue the positive trend of good nights, and wean down the amount of negative thoughts I get overwhelmed with when my brain turns back on for the morning.

Meditation on Solitude

For the 3rd day in a row, I've picked the Solitude ritual out of a stack of shuffled cards. I think the Universe is sending me a not so subtle message!

But to capture the ritual of silence:

"All around you is a swirl of activity that never stops. Your commitments, as important as they may seem, become distractions if they fill up all the spaces of your life. Over time, this can lead to the belief that who you are is not enough, and that you need something more, different, or better to be happy.

The paradox is that the search for happiness outside yourself becomes a distraction that keeps you from the fulfillment you seek. To come back to a more balanced state of mind, you must discern who you are and what you want, as distinct from what others want you to be or have.

To know yourself, as many great teachers have suggested, you need time to be alone. In the silence of your own thoughts, your true self can be revealed. "

Slept through the night

Other than waking up once or twice of my own accord.... Dusty and I made it through the night without any major mishaps or incidents. I'm still naturally waking up before 7am so that feels a little early without having to rush to get ready to a job.

My thought upon waking up this morning was that I should have looked harder to try and find a roommate situation that would be appealing, but that is the loneliness and guilt talking. A roommate would be home possibly at times I was not to give Dusty some company, but I just came from living with someone who I love dearly, but I was itching for complete control of my space. I need to keep reinforcing and reminding myself of these kinds of things, for the moments when my resolve weakens and I start to wobble.

And its only 7:30, but the construction guys in the floor below me are already up and hammering away. I guess its a good thing I woke up before they forced me to.

Fear

I am scared to death right now of a lot of things. That I won't find a job, that I can't really afford to live in Chicago, that my dog will never adjust to living in a big city, and that I will always be alone. Fear can really be a great demoralizer and immobilizer. The worst of this came to a head yesterday night, and left me in tears while on the phone.

To conquer this ... means to face and understand. I have been using Dusty's slow adjustment to this move as a "sign" that I am hurting him, and that has caused me stress. And as a result.. he ISNT adjusting because he's picking up on my stress.

Today has been a much more productive day, despite being difficult. I left him alone for the first significant period of time - 3 hrs, while I attended a job interview. He survived. I survived. He is eating when I put him in the car and bring food with me, so I think its been the extreme heat this weekend that is killing everyone's appetite, including mine.

I have motivation again to have a plan and a goal - no more days of just listlessly staring around the empty space and feeling so incredibly lonely. The day goes by faster with things to do and limited wallowing time.

Alone

I haven't quite figured this out, but it occurred to me today that I was more comfortable being completely alone in a foreign country and foreign city, than I have felt in this town. In both cases, I was leaving the same place... but I think its the finality of this last leave that is what is hurting the most. I talk about Louisville being a necessary place for me to be to bring about the awareness of what is and is not going to make me happy. I am trying to remember if I felt this disoriented when I moved to New York 3 years ago. Granted, at that time I had nearly $4,000 in the bank and could afford not to stress about finding a job within the first 30 days of being here. Rent was less, lease was month to month... every step in the last years has been building up to a firm lease agreement, higher rent costs.

My other biggest worry is my dog. He is my family right now, and he is having a little bit of a rough time. Both times that he's eaten since we arrived in Chicago over 48 hours ago have been about 12pm each day, with a little bit of the food I had brought with me in the car hoping he would eat. He seems excited enough about going out on walks to do his thing, but he is having a little bit of sensory overload with the amount of dogs around. I was invited to bring him to a bbq, and that was a disaster. Lesson learned, and I owe a very very big thanks to the dudes who spent an hour getting my truck unlocked after I locked my keys and cellphone at said bbq. It was not my day.

I didn't intend to do so much writing when I created the blog today, but I think this has been very helpful in keeping a good balance.

The Reason for Writing

I've kept a journal for the last 4-5 years on another site, and about a month ago they did away with their journal format, in favor of blogs. It felt fitting to phase out of that area and start a new blog that gave me a fresh start and a way to capture this move, as well as the 25 year old milestone coming up in 2 weeks.

I have a set of meditation rituals, and decided to pull them out this morning to help give me some focus to all the madness. Fittingly, the card I pulled today was Solitude. Essentially, it was a mediation focus of inner strength, and that to truly know oneself, you must spend time alone.

There's been a lot of deep thinking already, and I want to make sure I put these down somewhere. Just the act of writing them out is often helpful to me in bringing a sense of clarity and direction.

The Arrival

I guess I should be thankful my drive from Louisville to Chicago was uneventful save for a wrong directional entrance on the I-90 in Indiana, which was fixed in moments.

The lease agreement was forever long - almost 15 pages!!! But it was very thorough, and I am glad for no surprises. I apparently picked a busy weekend to move in, and got my first parking scarcity trying to find a spot to do the lease paperwork. It wasn't so bad walking around the block, but a completely different story once I needed to start unloading.

Dusty was absolutely fantastic on the drive - he slept most of the way, and we stopped about every 2 hours for a bathroom break, making this the longest drive into chicago - I left Louisville at 5am Chicago time, and walked into the leasing office at 11:45 am.

I was given permission to park in the alley for unloading, and took my time getting the first bits of stuff out. My goal was to get enough space cleared to pull out the chairs before some friends came over to help with the rest, and their timing was pretty good!

I was very impressed that the cable guy actually showed up when they said he was, and I have internet and cable before I actually have a bed or any other furniture. I thought about not doing the cable part until i actually have a TV, but it is such a pain to wait for the 3-4 hour window they give you to make sure someone is here to let them in for the hookup.

I have such good friends - they put up with my very frantic, stressed out self on move in day since I just had so much to think about, and frankly was just trying to keep it all together.
They fed me, gave me beer, and just having that support on the first day was so very appreciated.

The night finally came, and I spent the first night here alone. Dusty did very well with all the noises, as we have a hallway for the 10 apartments on the floor. He's only barked twice at a noise he heard, though there is lots of excitement up and down the hall every time I take him outside.

With the time difference, we were both up early early. But, the first day is over.