Exiled

The obligatory work update... other than the ginormous papercut I got yesterday, things are going really really well. I've been able to randomly stop and talk with a variety of people, including both of my department coworkers, and my boss. Catching on as best as can be expected, and my cube is starting to feel like I work there.


Grandma update: Its worse, but possibly better news than was originally given. Long story short, doctors disagree on the initial diagnosis and treatment options, so some additional tests are being done before an ultimate decision.

Today was a rainy day. Thats not necessarily a bad thing, but it was definitely a rainy day. I have been getting questions from work about how I came to be in Chicago, and its been hard to find a way to tell a plausible, true story without getting stuck on the details and being put on a trip down memory lane. I wasn't able to avoid that later today.

Ultimately, I have someone in my life who for the last 4 years I have loved very much. People come together in all manners of ways, and while it may not classify a relationship, it certainly sets the tone. Looking back on our relationship evolution, it is hard to look at what transpired and not instantly blame myself and want to try to fix the situations time and time again. I'd been trying to fix something that could never be fixed because we had different viewpoints about why we were together in the first place. This realization and acceptance was the true catalyst for my move, but it nothing is every that simple.

Here I am in Chicago, hundreds of miles away from everyone I love, everything thats familiar, in a proclaimed journey of self discovery for "The Lesson" and enlightenment. But while this is happening, it means I'm completely alone, night after night, more broke than I have ever been in my life, and feeling like a four year old girl who wants a big someone to just hold me and soothe me. Someone to be the friend to me that I have been countless times, when you just hurt so much you simply want the presence and assurance of someone there. Not words of sucking it up and dealing with it, not badmouthing. Because once the head clears, i'm pretty good at the stuff on my own.

But right now I want nothing more than just a comfort that I can lean against, just close my eyes, and have someone tell me its gonna be ok, I can relax, someone else will take the night watch tonight.

Since that's obviously not happening, I took the dog out and had a good cry and thought about lots of other stuff that I've already forgotten now that I'm back in front of the computer.

Sometimes I wonder what all of these experiences are doing to me as a person... and who will be the person at the end of the tunnel. I hope she likes the color green, because I better not lose my eyes.