What a week

Wow. I am so thankful it is Saturday. This is the first Saturday I haven't been doing something that consumes my entire day or weekend since the middle of September. Intense would be the best word to describe the last couple days, and I have learned that no matter how much I try to anticipate, prepare, and plan, there is ALWAYS something waiting to trip me up. This is so frustrating!! But, these kinds of times are also the ones where you really confirm the people in your life who are there to really support you through thick and thin, without hesitation.


My sister's visit was over too quickly, and part of the craziness this week was dealing with resurgence of homesickness, compounded with the question of where really is home, now?

Our warm spell is gone, replaced by rain, and the beginnings of snow flurries who can't make up their mind if they want to be snow or rain. It was so nice and cozy this morning, sleeping in (YAY!) and then waking up to a cozy apartment as the radiators kicked in overnight. While my heat/gas in this apartment are free, the price I do pay is not having exclusive control over the heat. The radiators have little knobs on them, but even if I have them completely closed, some days there is still a large amount of heat being radiated. I remedy this by strategically opening the windows.

One of the things that came up in conversation while my sister was here was the childhood experience in our family. While some kids were waiting for the day they turned 16 to have their driver's license, I instead had a passport and was spending my summer traveling around Europe. Both of us have been overseas several times, both on our funds and on gifts from the parents. I am able to say I've been exposed to a lot of opportunities that many people would be envious of, and I am grateful for them.

But, sometimes the motivation lying behind all these can add a twist. My parents were both so busy with their careers, that sometime I felt like this was their way of making up for not making time. I chose not to pursue a teaching career because my mom has turned hers into an 80 hrs/wk job. Often times when I came home from my trips, I would have to be picked up by friends of the family since neither of my parents were available - and sometimes not even in the state! I turned out all right, but I don't have some of the memories others do of their parents being more connected in their lives. For my birthday, all I wanted most years was time with my parents. This turned into a camping weekend for a couple years, until I started high school and marching band and sports medicine and school takes over your life.

All these things have been playing in my mind as I really try to learn from the relationship I left behind, and what I what to add to my life going forward. It is not easy. Some days, I don't want to have to admit the mistakes I made, and the solutions are sometimes not easy to swallow. What keeps my resolve is remembering the bigger picture, and that I can't change overnight. I can't have what I want, overnight. It all starts in little steps, and constant small corrections, readjustments, evaluations, and never ending soul searching.

I hadn't planned on getting this deep, but the blog has been good for me that way. This space gives me a chance to ramble a little and get the clutter out of my head; anything else depends on what is left in that little space after.