On the horizon

This has been an interesting week in some ways....and my quietness here over this time was something that was acutely on my mind, but I was craving the respite of some quietness in the mind. I've been on a little raft while sharks, real or imagined, stay slightly at bay as I try desperately to catch my breath and gain a sense bearings again. Thoughts and emotions and people are just at the edge, and if I stop and reach out, I can touch them, and feel them eager to jump into that space I've just made.

And right now ..... I'm standing here, staring at the horizon in the way you do when you're trying to make time stand in place. Capturing every part of a memory, and trying to hold everything so the world stays as it looked so perfect, when the color of the sea is not muddied by the sand being kicked up by waves. Holding on and not wanting to turn back on these memories. Once you break your eyes away.... you never have that moment back again. And even as you keep standing there, your toes buried in the sand, willing you to stay. The water and the waves work their unstoppable magic, making your position weaker and weaker until you must either acquiese their command and move towards firmer footing, or fall and lose yourself among the waves.

I feel like that is where I am now. I know what needs to happen, and I can see slowly but surely how the things I've been holding on to and praying and hoping that something would bring these things back into my life. But ... like the sand .... every day they move further and further from me, until I can't even see where it all started. And whereas before I was trying to defy the laws of gravity, now I simply just wish I had more time. But more time doesn't make things magically fall back together. And more time doesn't change the innate characteristics of the things that fill our lives.

And like the sand .... some things will never be other than what they are. I am letting the sand stay on the beach ... because it's home is not on the mountain I've started climbing. If I hold onto it, it will only help me to slide back to the bottom much faster than if I am grabbing after something new. And that will change as your journey leads you on....

In these moments were it seems no matter how loud the tv goes and the El rattles by.... nothing is louder than the silence of my thoughts as I feel alone in this whole exploration, and wonder if there'll be someone out there someday who can not only recognize how much I constantly evolving as a person, but can put questions out there to help us both continue to do it.