Intensity

The hardest part of soul searching is at times the absence of sincere interaction with those who understand and seek the same things you do.

In the last 5 years, I have met 2 such people. One is an absolute sweetheart of a lady who moved from Chicago about 6 months after I met her to put her heart where she had been drawn to.

The other has been another woman I have watched from a distance. I've heard bits and pieces of her story and spoke up when I had a chance. When I've been listening it has felt like an echo of my life from 2 years ago. I feel like I was chosen to stay here.. to give up on my dream of seattle and portland and green for a bigger purpose.

Today started like any other day. I'm often known in my circles as an enabler once people confide in me their fears, their goals, and their hopes. I know how important my journey has been for me and if there's anything I can do to put someone on the right path for theirs, I usually don't hesitate. What most people don't realize is how little it takes to do this. It takes listening with your heart, and paying attention to what is being said in between the lines.

So today I became an enabler for this woman. I brought her a single piece of paper like it was a ticket to freedom. And we sat in my office for a few minutes both moves to tears that we were fighting back... simply because we have someone else. Someone else who even if we don't have the answer, understands and yearns for the search. LIVES for the quest of finding just what we are capable of.

And to this lovely woman if she is reading... Thank you for letting me in. You have blessed me in a way I have needed, to be reminded of just how far I have come. May the serenity of choice provide you ground in turmoil that is simply a storm of clouds... the ground remains the ground even if we do not feel the vision to see it.

and things are amovin'

A lot happens in a short time.

I'm moving back to Chicago... signed the lease for a new place a week ago today. I'm really excited about the location. On Friday when I signed the paperwork I wandered around the half mile from the apartment to Clark and back. I hit the Furniture store, Stella Espresso, Urb Animal, and Devon Market.

This reminds me of what I gave up when I thought I wanted things a little quieter. Evanston is a great small suburb if you have a family and most importantly a vehicle. I'll be much more able to get what I need and where I want to go without having to spend so much time en route to get there.

I'll do another update on my running workshop next but things have slowed down but are ramping back up again. I'm cancelling on actually going to Myrtle as airfare is definitely more than I was anticipating and a friend who was planning to run with me hasn't been able to get their training started due to work conflicts. I made a donation to a good cause and will be better able to enjoy a run and a trek somewhere else. I don't regret the initial decision to do it, as its what go the fire going under my butt.

Trying to keep Busy

It's been day by day lately.

I have to keep fighting the impulse to change things. Something Different. Anything Different.

It might not necessary be an entirely bad urge. But it's one distracting enough that I keep waffling back and forth. I may take a while to make a decision as I weight pros and cons, but this is something different.

I'm not handling things falling through well. I'll keep trying but every time I get more discouraged. Even something as simple as trying to get my phone upgraded FINALLY and they shoot me down. Seriously you'd think that because I'm giving you more money long term, it'd be ok to start taking that from me an extra 60 days forward. But NOOOO. *end rant*

I miss some people that I used to be really close to. We all change and the past has been left behind.. but I take a long time to make friends to begin with so when they go to the wayside its not without leaving a hole where they used to be.

I've added another person to the ames circle today. That makes 4 people across my life that have given me this nickname. I find it kind of funny because none of them know the other people (with 1 sort of exception) and they all start to use it when talking to me of their own volition, and at approximately the same stage in our friendship.

If you've called me ames and lived to tell the story... that means you're a pretty cool folk in my book.

something cute

When I get comfy at night I usually don't always get to the bed right away. Usually dusty will find a place somewhere in the living room and pass out while he waits for me. Apparently for the last week or so, he got tired of waiting. I'd get up to go to bed and he wasn't in the room. I'd get to the bedroom, turn on the light, and find him curled up in my bed. He'd given up on me hours ago. I can't really complain too much because he likes to sleep right in my normal spot, which is now all nice and toasty warm.

Thanks dusty.. I love you too.

November 9

This is the day I have run my first non stop mile. IN MY LIFE.

It felt so good I walked for 2 minutes, and did another one. Non Stop.

And then I say GO YAY! and did a little dance. After I got off the treadmill. One treadmill face palm is enough to last a lifetime.

It started off as really kind of a crappy day. I got turned down for an apartment I was really trying for and it really bummed me out. At work I was really just kind of blah... First the possible Seattle job going on the window, then the apartment. I thrive on lots of activity and while it's nice to get some time to work on projects that have been sitting for a while, my concentration comes and goes in smaller spurts.

I've dressed up today and yesterday and that's helped a little. Yesterday was one of those radiate confidence and sexy and it helped make the day go by faster. I just feel like I race these dark nights to get home and get the lights on and say you can't come in here and take MY light and my energy. This is when I feel the most lonely.

My First 5k - a Reflection

So the first official run is done.

I finished in 44:33, with an average pace of 14:21.

Yesterday's experience, taught me that training for the miles is only one part of an actual race.

The other part is dealing with the weather conditions, the route, and the people.

Melanie and I left my house at 5:30 to catch the bus down to Grant Park. It was Cold - temps were reading below 30F. It didn't seem so bad as we were walking to the bus stop, and then walking from the Congress drop to the tents in Grant park, as long as you were moving it was bearable.

Then came the wait. We got there about 6:45, and found Shelly. The start time for the 5k was 7:40. Trying to keep that warmth for an hour did not work. At some point we all had to check whatever we didn't want to carry for the race, so there went the hoodies and the sweats that had help fend off the cold - I did this about 7:10.

FINALLY, the race starts. By that I mean the gun goes off. It takes a full 15 minutes for my pace group (I put myself in with the 13 min mile group) to actually cross the start line.

In the first 4 minutes, the following was going through my head - "WTF, OWW, COLD, Hey don't elbow me, Oh this person stopped gotta move over so I don't plow into them".

It was a zoo. It took the first mile to even warm up my muscles. All thoughts of breathing, form, pace were out the window. I was just trying to stay upright and keep moving forward. With all that said, I cross the 1 mile marker in 13:35, which is not a bad time for me at all.

My other learning experience was navigating the water stations. I lost a couple minutes in this area because I made the newbie mistake of stopping and STANDING in a line to grab a cup, not able to see the other 8 tables that were further down with no people. There were people weaving back and forth, darting, it was a zoo.

About 25 minutes into the run, I hit my groove. It felt great!! Before then, I'd be alternating run/walk with 2-3min run and 1:30 walk. I did from 24:30 to 31:30 all running, and didn't feel winded or forced at all. I had to slow down when I hit a block of people that were having to go around the bend on the outside of the Planetarium walk, and then it was just one huge massive block for the last 3/4 of a mile. It was 2 switchbacks to finally get back to Columbus Dr and the FINISH stretch. More and more my endurance is increasing to do longer stretches. The form is definitely helping, from smaller steps to using smaller elbow movements back to let gravity and physics help sync a little better.

Next up is the 8k Rudolph Ramble in December. Its still going to be cold, more distance, but less people. This is slowly but surely happening...

nighttime warm fuzzies

As I've been going to bed every night for the last 3-4 nights, I've been getting the vibrating warm fuzzies.

I get these in different parts of my body over the years depending on who they're correlated with, and have come to learn each person leaves their own "signature". I can count on one hand the people in my life that I've had this close connection to.

I'm not 100% sure who is thinking of me and sending the warm fuzzies every night, and why they started up at this particular time. But you know what, I thank you. It puts a smile on my face and keeps me toasty warm as these evenings start to cool down.

Running Update

Its been a few weeks.

I'm still in this goal. I'm about halfway into week #4 of 20 according to the Race schedule I've been working off of. I'm really noticing how quickly the cardio fitness starts to ramp up. When I started, I was barely able to go 8-9 mins total over 35 mins of running. Now I'm able to do 25-30 minutes of running out of 50-60 minutes of activity.

The 5k race is in a week and a half. my first race. They're expecting in excess of 30,000 people. 30,000!!!!! I don't even know how they'll begin to navigate all the people through spaces. Only one way to find out!

staying put

I can't believe I am saying this. But I think I figured out what my problem has been these 2 years. I never expected Chicago to be a permanent move. It was an escape move from a relationship and financial situation that has ended up being the biggest trial by fire I've been put through. It's no secret I am not fond of this town. I've had a difficult time making friends, and I am not able to get into the great outdoors. Half the problem was because my work is not challenging anymore, and I need that to stay interested. I was without direction, without goals, without interests. I'm involved in a indefinite long distance relationship that operates on 2 visits a year, if I'm lucky.

But for the first time.. I am finding myself having to juggle time to see if I can do everything I want to do. I'm outside with a physical goal to run a half marathon in 5 months. I just signed up with the Coast Guard Auxiliary unit here for the Willmette Harbor, which has a Search and Rescue mission component, as well as boating safety, and other Coast Guard activities. I am beyond the moon about getting back onto the water. I wanted to apply to the USCG as a kid but I'm disqualified because of my hearing. I never knew about the Aux unit until today. As soon as I found out, I made the call and less than 30 mins later, I'm on the calendar for boat time.

I'm looking at possibly having a roommate for some more social interaction, but also to alleviate some of the dog owner logistics that I have been using as an excuse to not be out doing things.I have a meeting tomorrow to meet someone and consider taking a bedroom in their apartment. I'm bringing Dusty for a meet n greet with their 5 yr old daughter.

At first I was leery because I thought I'd be moving soon and I didn't think it fair to set up something only to bail a few months in, when kids are involved. But the kid wants a puppy and the mom jumped at the idea of having a permanent visiting dog without having to take financial ownership of it.

In the process of setting this up, I was invited to stay for dinner. This is a first for me.... I can see all the pieces maybe coming together. This house is less than a 10 min walk from my office. I'd be able to walk home during lunch to let dusty out, and then go from work to the station, all while being able to use public transit. I was worried not having a car would make things hard, because that HAS impeded on other interests I've tried to pursue.

Its hard to let go of the idea of PacNW and the Oregon cult. But all the energy that I was putting forth into that with no results was affecting my quality of life in the meantime. I'm not one to say I wish I had ______.

In all of this... I am still realistically single. and away from my family. But maybe now things are in place that I can have a better social network here than I have the last 2 years. up to this point I've let Chicago have the upper hand... that is not my style. That all changes, starting now.Read more:

Running a half!

I signed up for my first half marathon - Myrtle Beach, Here I come!!

I've got quite a few friends who live in the stretch from DC to Florida, so I've already started pestering the ones I know who are runners to consider running with me, and everyone else to make a roadtrip to the halfway point which Myrtle is, and spend Presidents Day weekend and come cheer me on. I'm deaf! I can't hear ya unless there's huge crowd. I kid, I kid.

But it feels good to have another goal. I am also doing the Reindeer Rumble in December for a 8k, its a little difficult to find winter races in Chicago for the obvious reason as the weather can be extremely unpredictable in late December and January.

But here we go...

I DID IT!

and i'm still alive to tell about it. and Not completely kneeled over in pain.

I was a little leery about this running thing as I was loaned a book by a friend that is "Non Marathon Runner Guide to Marathons" for women. The author of the book talks a LOT about constantly being in pain. I can get no pain no gain in a figurative sense.. but something was screaming out to me you shouldn't be saying you'll be popping advil from now till the time training is over. That means you're doing something wrong.

I will definitely say that my walking over the last year has increased my overall fitness. If I had tried to do the run/walk combo I did earlier today back in July when I first started my walking, I would have failed miserably, I think. I have much greater lung capacity and muscle foundation in my quads, hamstrings, and knees. I was definitely working hard after I'd done the 9th transition to a run, but when I finished I was able to still take deep breaths and hold my head up. I didn't have a set path in mind as I was focusing more on time training than distance, but I covered 2.75 miles in about 35 minutes.

I started Friday as I was walking to Domincks on Dodge (long story, and this post really isn't to enforce my sometimes random days of "Duh" moments). I didn't have dusty but was wearing my sneakers, and figured why the hell not try the pacing switches even though i didn't have my heart rate monitor on me. I did 4 transitions of that and made it to Dominicks... I bought some small groceries to take home so I walked the way back, but I think that is what made me a little more optimistic about today before I even started.

Monday is supposed to be a rest day, but I still have to walk to/from work, and walk dusty. I've been looking into Bally again to find some options for cross training now that winter is coming. A friend has a membership there and I think I can get a discount on a friend pass for $20 a month. This would give me a workout buddy maybe, which would be a lot of fun and a good way to get more motivation.

Now time to get some sleep. I have a harder time falling asleep when i've ramped up my exercise cause I get that adrenaline rush and it just keeps me wide awake. But its been a while since I've had this intensity level and it feels really good. yay me.

My First 5k!

So I started thinking about this last year as my walking was not getting me the intensity I wanted. I didn't commit to something last fall and to tell the truth I don't have any good excuses why.

But I'm changing that. I've booked my first 5k run for November. I've got a heart rate monitor coming so that I can keep track of my heart rate/intensity levels since I know once I get going I am much more about endurance than I am about speed. I've proven that with my walking - if I don't stop I can walk 10 miles without stopping. Now I just need to take that walking and increase the intensity and do the interval training.

A few good friends have encouraged cross training to help prevent injury and I definitely agree with that. I'm trying to see what my options are as summer winds down and the nearest pool options are gyms and I am facing both costs from running shoes, as well as possible gym/race fees. One thing at a time.

But most of all I feel excited about getting out the door again. That is what has been missing from my time outside this year and I can definitely tell the difference. I walk quite a bit just from lack of personal vehicle, but nowhere near what I was walking at this time last year. It's time to change that. I've cancelled my cable, cancelled my internet. I spend too much time sitting. I'm ready to enjoy every part of the day, including the running pains and the side aches and the blisters. It all means I'm doing something productive.

Loki!

So I gave him a name... he responds to it.

Hanging out in Mexico

It's that time again ... where I rather abruptly cut off many physical ties with places I know and am familiar with, and put myself someplace else.

Last year was north of the border... this year south of the border.

I've been to Mexico many many times. Having grown up in a border state, I've been on both east and west coasts of mexico, in the resort towns and in the rural stretches.

I'm in a place I've been before, but this time I'm without the more spanish fluent counterpart. I've been able to interact with the people around me today, and thankful my brain loves to hang onto pieces of information for forever.

I was in the pool lounging and reading my book, and watching the storm clouds get closer. I didn't want to get out unless it actually started to rain since there seem to be a lot of fast moving storms, but they are pretty random in their dumping spots. I looked up and saw and upside down rainbow. I've never seen one of those before, and I wonder if I ever will again. I thought maybe it was just my sunglasses or the sun glare but nope. Pretty sure it was real.

After doing the evening dog sitting duties, I decided to head towards the pier and stretch a bit. There's some stray dogs out that were left by their Mexican owners when they left to go home earlier last month. We've been putting out some food for them, and they were very quick to make the association in the care for their wellbeing.

one in particular is a medium sized dog, with a gentle face and happy wag. He was chilling outside on the sand nearby when I left the house and he was pretty excited to see me. Knowing these are pretty much wild dogs, I've not made any attempt to interact, pet, etc as you just don't know what will happen, especially when I am dropping bowls of food for them.

This dog walked ALL the way to the pier - about a 2 mile walk. at first there were 2 following me but 1 got bored and decided to investigate elsewhere.

pretty soon it was evident that he was "with me". As we got closer to the pier there were people out on the beach and their dogs were quite aggressive of their territory. Most just met almost halfway and threatened each other. When I saw that lightening was starting to come and that it was getting dark, I turned to head back. The dog was still right there with me. I stopped moving and put my hand out - he came right up and licked my hand, then did the whole head rub on your knee thing that dogs are good at. Pretty friendly guy.

On our way back a group of dogs were a little more forward in their aggressiveness and 3 of them ganged up on him for a minute. They got in a good warning nip or 2 and he raced back to me, then turned around to face them and growled. Wow. I've only known this dog for 4 days and he's being protective of me.

We keep walking..... all the way back to the house. I wanted to at least get a little more people interaction so i kept going until I got to the street that takes me to the bodega. The little bugger stayed right on me, crossing the street with me and then finally losing interest when I went into the bodega and came out and he was gone.

I Passed my LEED Green Associate Exam!

with so much going on I hadn't updated this. Passed with a 181, and you need a 170 in order to pass.

I knew where my weaknesses were and sure enough that is where I scored the lowest when I reviewed my breakdown of categories. BUT. I am LEED Green Associate!

I don't have to take the test again - just Continuing Education requirements that restart every 2 years.

I looked myself up in the Professional Directory on the gbci.org website and there I was. That was pretty cool.

Bliss

Vacation.

On It.

Plans? Nada. Other than making sure I have a good supply of coffee for the week, and a stop to Costco to stock up on groceries. I'd say things are going pretty well.

Why I am smiling right now

I love when you can find those people in your life that you have a good time with, no matter what you are doing or if things are going as planned.

I got a pasta maker from Goodwill a few weeks ago, and with Sam in town this weekend I wanted to try it out.

we failed. MISERABLY. and I haven't laughed or smiled so much since I set his cake on fire in July. I had mishaps with the dough and had to make 2 batches, and then when we got past the dough creation stage we just did not have any luck getting the texture/consistency we needed.

I asked him on the way to O'hare what his favorite memory from the weekend was, and he said it was the pasta escapade.

We are back to our "real" lives with him on a plane back to AZ at the moment. I keep finding little notes that say "i Love you!" all over the house. I tried to track down some on purpose but I don't find them then. So far I have found 3. I don't even know how he was able to be this sneaky, unless it was while I was taking Dusty outside before we left.

But it makes me smile, and we all need more reasons to do that these days.

LEED Exam

The exam is booked. September 12.

I better be ready. I feel pretty OK about it, I still have 2 weeks and I have been studying for about an hour a day 4-5 days a week since August 4.

Only time will tell.

Show on the Road

This last weekend, I was the officiant for a very very good friend's wedding. I took the opportunity for a few moments of peace while they were finishing last minute details.

Love me some coffee and some quiet while waiting to be picked up to get some people hitched :)

The Sandbox

I just got home from a wonderful fun time with the Oregon Cult (TM). To make the trip even more special, my brother, his wife, and my 3 month old nephew drove down to Portland from their home in Olympia, WA. This is the first time I've seen my brother in 2 years, and the longest I've gone without seeing one of my family members. This was the first time seeing my nephew... who is SO. STINKING. CUTE. I'm not just saying it because I have to, but he's one of those who knows he is too cute for his own good.

I've spent 30 of the last 69 hours traveling. By the time I got back to PDX to start the trek home via plane, I was not in great shape. I tried to no avail to get myself home earlier than Midnight, as I was up at 4:30am to begin the trip home.

I got to Denver and had a couple hours to Kill. I stopped to get a quickie chair massage in the terminal. A soldier who was on his way home for leave came in as well, and we started talking. This man instantly reminded me I have NOTHING To be complaining about. He had left the sandbox the same day I had left for Oregon, and while I was now making my return trip, he was still working on getting back to the US so he could start his leave. He'd already been in the Denver airport an hour longer than I had, and had 2 more hours on top of mine, and I was there 3.

I was looking at him, and seeing my brother. I'm thankful every day that my brother is able to stay on base at FT Lewis with his son and be relatively more safe. I'm glad I got a chance a chance to say thank you to this man in my own way. I don't know his name but that doesn't matter. He is my brother.

Score!

There are 4 resale/thrift stores all within a half mile of each other that I pass on my way home.

For some reason I felt inclined to stop in one that I'd never before.

I am glad I did - I walked away with a 3 bottle wine rack, a hand mixer, and an ice cream maker for the grand total of.... $6.84.


Gotta love good bargains.


I am really missing a lot of people this week. I'll get a chance to see many of them quite soon. I think I am missing them because I know the visits will be SO SO short and then I'll be back in Chicago again. I am ready to be done with Chicago. October 6th can't get here soon enough.

A month from now

A Month from now....


I will be sitting and walking on a beach for at least part of the day.


I will have finished my LEED Green Associate class and hopefully been able to schedule and sit for my exam... and know whether I passed.

I will have gotten to see my boy toy twice between a quickie layover in Phoenix (literally... 1 hr from landing to takeoff on 2nd plane) and a Labor Day Weekend visit.

I will be another year in digits.

Pillars of a Temple

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, but not to near together:For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

“The Prophet,” Kahlil Gibran

No Reason to Panic

I really can't explain why, but over the last 30 days or so I've had what have felt like panic attacks (to me). I am not prone to these at all, to the best of my knowledge. But totally tight chest, what I know to be irrational fear, but I can't tell you what the fear is of. All I know is when they come I don't know what is triggering them yet, just that I totally freeze. I struggle to breathe, to get up from where I am, to make my eyes blink and think about counting to 10.

I hate not being in control, and a panic attack is probably the least controlled situation I could be in. I have often thought that part of it is the looming Aug 31 date. August 31 was the day I moved to Chicago 2 years ago, and it will mark my existence in any one city for the longest period since I left Phoenix.

And I am completely uninspired by my surroundings here. I was tempted to at first say I was miserable, but I don't think that is a fair statement to make. I am completely in control of my choice to be happy or not happy in any circumstance. But I do not feel any connection to this city. Beyond my intrapersonal growth while here, I don't see this city as a place that is helping me meet goals that I have for the long term. I can't fulfill myself with my favorite interests - Hiking, Outdoors, affordable living, family, friends.

I am beyond thankful to be gainfully employed in a job that overall treats me well, pays well, and provides good benefits. But it is not a position that will satisfy me for a long period - already, I'm feeling restless and as if I've outgrown the position. Project Management is what I do best, and this job originally had it while it was in the creation stages. Now that the position and responsibilities are solidified, all that is left is executing them when required.

I've been in the pursuit for a while of shifting locales to the Pacific Northwest. I'd put off my search until just a short time ago due to visitors coming over the summer. Now that they have been here and gone, I found myself freaking out again.

I've been looking at jobs and postings and apartments. But I have to take a step back and remind myself why I'm looking at this city in the first place. Remind myself of what type of work environment/life style is really what I want. I had totally lost sight of all of these factors in my haze of "get out get out get out NOW".

It's hard to tell myself to slow down. I operate on Plan Then Execute Immediately mentality.

These last couple of days have been harder on me than I have wanted to admit. I put my boyfriend on a plane back to Phoenix, not knowing for sure when exactly I'd see him again. I have no doubt I will at some point, but it's different when you have a specific date to look forward to. I've spent a lot of time interacting with Dusty to fill a little of the void that is now missing in having a live breathing human to interact with.

I took a contract gig earlier this year, and have not been able to utilize any of that fundage until I got the tax business squared away. I met with a CPA yesterday and dropped a check in the mail to the IRS yesterday night. Now I can get about the business of Purposeful planning.

I signed up for a Green Associate course with an eligibility certificate today so I can take the LEED Green Associate exam. I am narrowing my job focus to the PacNW instead of just Portland, but to jobs that will utilize my LEED certification and help me get the building blocks to pursue AP. This is really where my heart lies, and if I move and do anything else, I'm really no better off than I was in Chicago. I'll have not learned a thing in this wretched city I called home for 2 years, if I just escape yet again but without my parachute.

This means my move will not happen overnight. This all reminded me that I need to live day by day.. not put off everything in the future when I don't even know whats going to happen. I've had vacation time booked for 2 months, but I'd hesitated buying my ticket to Mexico because of all of the above. Yesterday I booked my ticket. I need to take advantage of the fact that my company gives me such generous time off. I need to make sure I am taking care of myself every day.

I feel so much better being able to take SOME sort of action. I definitely will not be moving as quickly as I thought. But I have been telling myself for 6 months I wanted to reach my 2 year anniversary at my job because of the supervisory/management experience marker, which will help my marketability down the road.

I still have no clue what the heck the future holds. But at least I am living with no regrets.

Empty Space

It always interests me the little things that people pay attention to. Yesterday it was the big empty space on my shoemat (50%) and the fact that Sam had rolled up my tube of toothpaste.

The dog had stolen a toothbrush for himself... I wonder if this was a subtle hint from him.

Maker's Mark bottle top is perfect for drinking from the bottle without spilling 1 single drop. Love it.


I put Sam back on a bus to O'hare yesterday... I miss him but I'm not sad he's gone. I just can't make my emotions go there after moving to Chicago and having allowed a person to affect my emotions and my existence so much.

I am extremely happy for the things he has to look forward to in the next month, and it would be extremely selfish of me to take that anticipation and excitement away from him. College in general, engineering especially, is nothing to laugh at. Sam and I are not together because we need each other... we are together because we want to share our lives and make memories, both happy and sad, with each other. We can do this no matter whether we are in the same room or not, if we are honest with ourselves. It is just a LOT easier to have giggle fits in person :D

I don't really expect that anyone reads this stuff anyway, but it doesn't change the truth of it all. Happy Thursday!

Perfection

No words needed.

Happy Birthday Sam!

Yesterday was Sam's birthday... I took the day off and we spent the whole day doing exactly what Sam pleased.

We started the fun a little early with a game night with some friends that were also visiting that went until 3am, then slept in till 1:30pm.

I had raved about Ann Sather cinnamon rolls and so we decided to get up quickly and head into Lakeview to go to the cafe that was still open until 3. Lucky street parking and 2 stuffed goobers later.. we returned the rental car and chilled to some soma.fm and read for a bit.

Dinner was his choice and we hit up Bar B Que Bobs about a mile away from my house. Bob himself was the one behind the grill.. can you say baby Back RIBS!? The sides weren't great but that's not why we were there. I have a feeling Sam will be heading back there for a lunch at some point.

We'd snagged Carrot Cake and Pear Bundt Cake from Kopi on Tuesday after having some japanese at Sunshine Cafe. This was my first real Japanese dinner and I had seaweed Salad and unagi for the the first time. Yum to Both!

Also had 3 new wines from In Fine Spirits. I've known about that place since I moved to Andersonville but had never set foot in. Now I know why.. it was because I would have just handed over my wallet every week :D. While we were there we saw a poster for some events at Hamburger Mary's/Mary's Attic, so I think we're going to go to the shows on Sunday and next Tuesday. Burlesque is always a ton of fun.

The best part of last night was putting 31 candles on the piece of carrot cake. Sam was still in the living room while I was lighting the candles, which were about to set off the smoke detector. He didn't quite understand the slight panic in my voice as I was telling him to get his butt in the kitchen and blow them out. The look on his face when he saw the flames was priceless!

And last but not least... my snazzy boy toy sporting a fedora. Damn he looks good.

Numb

Sam and I made a road trip to Lanesboro this past weekend. I wanted to see my gramma's grave and just get out of chicago for a while.

It was a great time, but was full of both happy and sad.

It felt wrong to be in Lanesboro and only seeing 1 aunt/uncle.

There was a Hanson reunion Sat so when we headed back to Lanesboro we stayed a little longer than originally planned to put in some face time. Muriel was adamant that Sam have a picture of us under the Norwegian flag hanging at the Sons of Norway lodge.

And the whole drive home.. I was half numb. the grave was grown over and solid.... nothing like what it had been a year ago. The flowers were fake silk ones. Gramma always kept live flowers when she went to visit Orvis every week.

And I felt like I should cry or have some more emotion over it all.. but it wasn't there. Then this morning I was reading a blog post about someone's dog passing away and the waterworks started.

In any case.... we're back in Chicago. Time to put the heavy heart on the shelf for a while and enjoy the precious few days Sam still has here.

Life is Good

Sam is here. YAY! He has survived the first few days of really yuck humidity... last night was absolutely wonderful temp wise.

We discovered a new hangout that I've literally walked by every day for 2 years and never gone inside. I have a feeling we'll be there a bit, especially since its open till 1-2am depending on whether its weekend or not.


How is it Monday already?

Countdown

12 hours.

Then I will be very VERY snuggly in the arms of someone very special.

Now I am craving cheddar cheese.

LEED

I've been stalling... I've admitted it to myself. I am GREAT and giving other people kicks in the ass to get moving towards a goal, a passion. I often say I have a lot of likes but no true LOVE.

That's kind of not true. I don't have a true love in the sense of 1 specific professional job ie a doctor.

But I DO love outdoors. Nature. Smart Building... being out of an office and doing things with my own two hands.

I'm biting the bullet and getting the LEED GA certificate, if i can find a way to make it work.
If nothing else, this is a profession and field that I know I would be able to find work in in Oregon, NO PROBLEM.

And who knows.. I still want my land with my LEED buildings. I'd like to get my AP certification, and if it means I need to create my own project to do it, then bring it on.

*gulp*

Making Memories

Some friends and folks have been sharing their travels and pictures around the nets... and it got me thinking.

I have led a vastly different life than a lot of the people I grew up with.

I'm financially independent and have been for a while.

I've spent more time single than in a relationship over the last 8 years, by choice. I'm picky and I know it... and independent as hell. I don't *need* a guy in my life in order to call myself happy.

I've also not had a huge circle of friends. Once I left AZ, they all but disappeared except for an occasional facebook update, and visits when I'm in AZ. Everyone gets busy and its understandably harder to pack up a new family of 4 than it is one person.

In all this time.. I've done so much. seen so much. learned so much. And most of my significant memories and moments have had no witness but my own heart. Some pictures I was looking at today were of a couple and their baby son. They were in Europe traveling.. but I was more captivated by the unposed family portraits. I've never had that experience in a quality sense, of really seeing new places with someone and being able to both hold the same memories together.

Its not quite the same retelling the stories upon my return. My fear is always.. what happens if I forget? All of these things have shaped me so much. With out someone to trigger my memory.... will these things just fade away? I've tried to write as much as I can in hopes that maybe that will help. Or that pictures can tell a story better than a thousand words.

But a picture can't always capture a feel. It can't capture the music of the wind blowing through the trees and the sun sizzling off the sand... and the smell of rain still lingering in the air.

Summer Storms

It has been the year for them - I've been alternately excited to see lightning/hear thunder, but then also losing sleep from fear of power outages, oppressive humidity, and LOUD storms that wake this deaf person up in the middle of the night.

This time in 2 weeks, Sam will be in Chicago. BIG yay. LDR can be really tough at times, but on the flip side it makes you appreciate your time together. He'll be here for 3 weeks which I prefer because 2-3 days just isn't enough.

chicago, cheapskate style

When my friend was here for the last week, I think we did pretty darn good getting stuff for cheap/discounts. A quick rundown:

Free Admission:

Museum of Science and Industry = savings of $30 ($15 x 2)

Field Museum = savings of $30 (1 x 30)

Discounted Admission

BlueMan Group = savings of $70 (1/2 price tickets x 2)

Hancock/Boat Tour Combo Tickets = savings of $30 ($15 savings for each package x 2)

So far just right there we saved $160. Yikes!! It made it a lot easier to not feel guilty about a cubs game at full price or eating out to watch the World Cup games a couple times.

All in all a great week and I got to see a few places I had not been before either.

Blue Man Group

So ... I finally got to see Blue Man Group AND not break the bank while doing it. Yay!

It was fun! I was a little dissapointed there was not as much drumming as I had been led to believe. I saw the show with my old pit instructor so it was doubly awesome to have another drumline geek watching it with me. He explained their current show actually is 2 shows merged together. That would explain why it was not just drumming, but also more the interactive/Comedy/Entertainment bits.

Now to get back to the "real" week with work this week and hopefully a Cubs game either Tuesday or Wednesday! Go Cubs!

Face In Space!

So I just submitted a picture to be included in the ST -133 launch on September 16.


My face will be going into Space for the aliens to drool over. Its just THAT good! :p

Happy Tuesday.

Autonomy

The day you embrace your own... and respect others right to theirs, is the day I have come to believe that you have hope in successful relationships. This means taking people exactly as they are.. without secret agendas to "fix them up" to meet your requirements. It means realizing no one owns anyone else. Your choices are your own... you do not automatically gain rights to make decisions for anyone else. Sometimes rediscovering connections and relationships later in life means that you can take an initial chemistry/spark and add life experiences to that. You just might find that something you enjoyed but didn't pursue is now exactly what you would have asked for if given the chance. Kinda funny how that works.

No relationship will ever be perfect. But I am more than happy to find myself in one that while not perfect, both individuals are under no disillusions. We are both working on things that increase our self sufficiency, independence, and ability to embrace the things that are most important in our lives.

We have very similar priorities and I love waking up each day and finding someone else able to enjoy the small things with me. Someone else who recognizes the steps I've taken in the last couple years and not only understands the journey, but actually finds it one of my most attractive features. THAT, my friends, is what makes me happier than anything. That I am embraced for the things that make me unique and different and ME.

Anticipation

Yesterday was a horrendous evening for me.

I have been pushing on an adrenaline high for the previous 3 weeks, first from a visit to see my lovely love and then a week in Cali doing some side work. The side work continued when I got back to Chicago as I compiled my findings for the final report, which got handed in Monday. Or so I thought.

Tuesday I get an email saying half the slides were missing. Never a good sign, and I know I should have checked it myself (heck, why else did I cc myself on the email) but in any case, I had to scramble to get my hands back on my laptop quickly and get that resolved.

So when I got home yesterday, all that momentum that had been pushing pushing for all this time has depleted. I had a weather migraine from the storms moving in, no appetite, and severe sleep deprivation.

Its amazing how much difference a day can make. Today... I found out Neverwhere was extended 4 weeks - I had a fantastic time at the show earlier this month, and can't wake to take Sam with me. That's the other half of the fantastic day.. I get to spend some quality time with my guy while he comes to visit in July - even to the point of getting to say Happy Birthday and make a Carrot Cake.

So much better way to end the evening.. and a cute shot because I don't often get to do these kinds of things. Us at my fav Tempe restaurant Phoenicia.

I'm an auntie!

Tyler Fox was born today...

Congrats Kyle and Kayla.. and kiss your sleep goodbye :)

Things happen for a reason

Sometimes I wonder what good can come out of some situations in our lives.

For one in particular, it seemed like the heartache that is all over the beginning of this blog was not worth the gain.

I'm reminded I'm wrong. I have gained a 2nd family because of crossing paths with people, and even if I am no longer attached to the person who made the initial encounter possible, they still consider me part of the family and welcome me with open arms.


These are the kinds of folks I'm proud to call my chosen family.

Decompressing

This week has been a whirlwind... lots of things, lots of emotions, lots of decisions.

Things have happened in the last two weeks that if you had asked me 2 months ago I'd see myself in this situation, I would have not an inkling. I'm being purposely vague for now because I don't want to jinx myself and because I sometimes need privacy even from myself to figure things out in the quiet spaces.

But all that being said... I have smiled more in the last 2 weeks than I have in months. I have rediscovered just how much I enjoy the field that I was actively in with my college education. I have had to have the guts to believe in my own skills enough to take a GIANT chance. That may or may not pan out... but at this point I really don't care. Just the experience to be through this last week has brought a lot of clarity to things in ways that make this month seem like a complete full circle to the year 2005.

When I look at what has made me the happiest over the last decade, its not money. Its not graduating college.

It's spending an afternoon on the porch making homemade ice cream.

Its walking in the middle of the forest and laughing because you can.

Its looking someone straight in the eyes and feeling a connection that years only strengthen, and not diminish.

Its trailing your fingers in the water while floating in the sun.

It's being in the moment.

Mexico 2010

These were some of my favorite parts of the Mexico Trip this year. There was a donkey track that took you from Cuzama into the brush/hacienda to 3 different Cenotes, where you could swim for as long as you wanted, then they would take you to the next one.

As you can see from the picture, taken from the top of the cenote entrance, the water was crystal clear, nice and semi warm, and there were roots growing in from the ground above.

This is the picture of the second cenote we hit, which was my favorite.

Back in the Groove

Before the beaches start charging tokens for the summer, I got my walking groove back on yesterday.


Absolutely cool but gorgeous weather... I love the color of the water and the sand in this picture.



For the rest of the pictures from this walk, check out my Picasa : http://picasaweb.google.com/amyfox/EvanstonAndAround?feat=directlink

Heading Back!

My parents surprised me with a ticket and doggy sitting yesterday. I'm headed back to the Valley just in time to wish my sister good luck and congrats for graduating from ASU, and now moving to Africa.

I think I found it

I've been one of the many having an exisential crisis over employment, where to live, how to live, what the hell am I doing with my life. Am I doing what I enjoy?

I moved from Arizona because I could not stand the overpopulation of the Phoenix valley, and the detrimental affects on my health. Even after all my travels and spending time in other places... I have always had a favorite spot for the high desert. It is like nothing else you will ever experience in your life.

I am not happy working in the non profit world and not tangibly feeling the difference I'm supposedly making. I can't sit in a desk for 40 hours a week. I want to do things with my hands, engage with people, teach them things.

I want to live within my own footprint and be surrounded by things that just stop and make you go WOW.

I think I want to live here: http://www.arcosanti.org/

I have always loved this place... I am not quite sure how this would all work. But this place is the fusion of my journey over the last 10 years - being involved in non profit, urban planning, sustainability, teaching, enjoyment of nature.

Daddy's Girl

man I am feeling so homesick this week. This is a tough week for it to be happening, I'm already feeling pulled different directions.

One of my favorite pictures of my dad and I, at my cousin Shane's wedding in Fountain Hills 5-6 years ago.





I'll always be a daddy's girl.

Sedona Sanctuary

Today... my body is stuck in this desk, and drudging through menial things.


My spirit.. my mind... are here




I took this picture one of the first times I drove to Sedona on my own... I would like my ashes spread here some day.

small things

Its always interesting to me what people remember, and what is deemed significant.

Monday, October 26, 2009.

Laundry and 2 Long Island Iced teas with dinner. This day changed my life forever.

Sometimes I wish I could have kept the events of this day going on indefinitely... it was such a good day.

Passing time

I really don't like to make promises to myself about trivial things. I have enough trouble being too hard on myself over other things.

This whole "growing up" thing. I don't get what I'm supposed to be doing. I guess I could probably say I've stopped being being so quick to change my surroundings. But how does one determine whether this is a good or bad thing anyway? Why does it even matter to begin with? As long as I am willing to take the consequences of whatever choices I make, then the choice itself is irrelevant.

I'm not crippled by the fear of choices anymore.

And a picture because I want to.

Mexico

There was a lot of good things on the vacation I just got back from.

Highlites were good friends, lots of things to see, SUNSHINE.

I feel like there's lots to say, but the words don't want to come out yet. I'm still working through my pictures.

1 Yr Car Free

On March 10, it has officially been 1 year since I sold my truck.

I just realized that this morning as I was walking to work. While I have proven to myself I do not need a vehicle to get around for the essential reasons (work, groceries, supplies), I am really really missing the escapism it provided.

I have compensated with numerous car rentals for weekend excursions, but that is completely devoid of any real spontanaeity that I love so much. To my friends who I would visit if I could just hop and go... you know this, right?


Truck camping was so convenient too - just throw the old futon mattress in the back of the bed with water, food, and dog supplies and I can go anywhere, in any weather.

looking back

Last weekend I did a 2k mile roadtrip to Western NY and Toronto over the weekend.

I've had a lot of emotions tied to this trip, some expected and others that were a surprise.


The biggest thing I didn't expect was to feel a sense of belonging as soon as I was in the area. I moved to Chicago from Kentucky because I didn't have anything to go back to in Rochester, or so I thought. Job wise that is probably true. The surroundings are what got me.

Living and bounded by Chicago's transit system, I have yearned for the freedom I used to have to get out of the often traveled paths and just be by myself. I had this in abundance in New York, and had a pretty good balance. I took my belly dance classes, went hiking on the weekends, and had friends that I still keep in touch with today.

It really enforced my gut feeling that Chicago is not where I'm meant to end up. Its difficult to figure out how much of the New York itch is for my remembrance of only the good things. New york was not perfect. But, it was the place I first started learning to be happy being single. I was coming to the cusp of that knowledge and lifestyle when I packed up and moved to Kentucky to be with Matt.

I can't even begin to describe the feeling of coming back somewhere and having people WAITING for me. Having them fighting for my attention for the few precious days I was there. I was in New york for almost 2 years. I have been in Chicago for a year and a half.

I've gotten better at resisting impulse decisions. I still have a strong desire to live in Vancouver as well, and it has been 6 months since I made that trip. I don't have any of my previous excuses to lean a decision one way or the other. While its liberating... any mistakes are also 100% my own. I know better than to be crippled by that consequence, but I'm having a hard time balancing the "if its what you want, do it" and the risk that all of this is just loneliness here kicking in.

Creative Spark

Over the last few weeks, a friend of mine who enjoys non traditional writing and sound experience projects has been bouncing a lot of his stories and pieces of his stories off me.

This was the first time I've had the chance to creatively think about pleasure writing and all of its possible forms in several years. There is a totally different animal involved when the words are not your own and you can just play with them, sort of the same way you would do with a words magnet Fridge kit.

But in any case... the writing juices are starting to flow. They're not the same ones I had earlier. I have a good chunk of poems that I went through the trouble of digging up last week. Oh my lordy some of them are BAD. BAD BAD BAD. But, a handful still strike me as moving, and I am finding it ironic now that those pieces all are all ones I just wrote for fun, not based on any specific real instance or feeling or emotion. Maybe that was part of that one step removed process.

I thought I'd post my 3 top favorites here.

old man sitting on the corner
a worn cap in his fragile hands
sure this was the place she said
that bench at half past two
clock to chime the hours passed
and still he sat to wait
she'd have a flower in her hair
if she remembered again today
at dusk he finally went inside
stopped a nurse down the hall
"have you seen my wife" he said






Bitch

candied tone
a poor disguise
your smile spews
embittered lies
malicious snares
in fervor plied
acerbic gaze from
wickedness imbibed
no sympathy inside
for these
crocodile tears
you try




Wrapped around my mind
flimsy paper lanterns shine
Dangling carefree down
from thin tattered twine
lively color patterns dance
A finger twirls edges round
bouncing light, shadows lost
paths never traveled twice
Every angle, a different view
best seen filtered through
Direct gaze and expose
colors run to blend a grey

Goodbye Ronnie

My grandmother's brother passed away from colon cancer last night. 

I am glad he is no longer in pain .. I know he has suffered much physical and emotional pain. His wife had a severe stroke recently, and it has affected her ability to remember a lot of things. Ronnie had moved into a nursing home to take care of her, when her care required around the clock assistance. Then he himself was diagnosed with colon cancer... it has been a long year for my family and the collective declines due to cancer. 

We love you Ronnie. 

Lighthouse Park Vancouver

Lighthouse Park is another free provincial park in West Vancouver (north of Lions Gate Bridge)

This was the first REAL hike I've had since I moved from New York in 2007. I was in complete heaven! This park is right off a road, but goes from the road to the bay, and lots of pretty scenery along the way.

From my perch here, I could see Lions Gate Bridge and Vancouver downtown to my left, University of British Columbia and the Provincial Beaches directly in front, and then the bay and Vancouver Island to my right.









And what would a lighthouse park be, without a Lighthouse?? This lighthouse wasn't open to the public so I wasn't able to get any closer than this. Coming to this park first, this was my reference point as I worked my way around the Bay to the UBC Pacific Spirit Park, Wreck Beach, and Stanley Island.

Lynn Canyon Vancouver

I chose Lynn Canyon over Capilano Suspension Bridge becase it was free, less busy, and absolutely breathtaking. I will forever be an outdoors girl - this is what tells me I won't stay in Chicago forever. I did the Lynn Canyon trails on my first day in Vancouver, after spending the morning at Lighthouse Park (will be my next post).




Once I got over the bridge and onto the trail, it diverted down to the river after a while. I found a big rock in the middle of the water, and Listened to my hearts content. I realized the water wasn't going anywhere anytime soon, and so I got my camera out and started looking at the leaves floating and swirling around at the base of the rocks. The picture below is one of my absolute favorites I've taken, Ever.

I have had all these pictures on my computer Screensaver, and I could tell a 10 minute story about every one. So much serenity. So much clarity of thought. So much contentment. Even in situations where I would never have fathomed myself saying the words "I'm Happy", I made the conscious choice. And what do you know... I was happy.


Panning up from my rock in the middle of the river... I looked up and saw lots of rocks. Empty places where people could take a diversion from the trail and just think. And look up. And smell the water. And listen to the birds. and realize that all of this enjoyment cost not a single penny to appreciate. There were no lines. No Tickets. Just a pair of sneakers and a willing body.


Scenes like these are ones that make me remember one of my favorite quotes from
"A River Runs Through It"

Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs.
I am haunted by waters.

Vancouver Review - PICS!

I love memories. And photographs. Sometimes I worry that because so much of my activities don't involve other people, there's only me to have the memory. And if something should happen to me or my memory... all these experiences would just fade into the nether. Even 2 people involved in the same memory will have different recollections, but thats still possibly better than none at all.


Its paranoia, I know. I hope that I'm never a victim of Alzheimers - I could deal with phyiscal ailments if they came along, but losing my mental capacities would be the most crippling, power stripping thing I could think of.

My Vancouver trip especially.... I spent an entire week in Canada, no friends (other than a quick lunch visit on my last day), no familiar people. And this week was one of the best experiences of my life. I don't know very many people (only 2 come to mind, actually) who have had similar if not exact experiences. That makes it difficult to frame the experience to someone who has no starting point.

And now... with that morbid thought out of the way. Pictures! Memory sharing!

Progress

I was reading an earlier post from this summer where I was patting myself on the back for getting out of the office by 5:30.


I regularly leave the office at my scheduled time of 4pm these days. GO ME!


Before the Holidays set in, and the bitter cold weather snuck up, I was walking 40 miles a week. I think I can continue to maintain that. I did 6.2 miles yesterday, in the nice and brisk 30F temps. Its supposed to stay this way all week. Both Dusty and I are loving the extra exercise.