No Reason to Panic

I really can't explain why, but over the last 30 days or so I've had what have felt like panic attacks (to me). I am not prone to these at all, to the best of my knowledge. But totally tight chest, what I know to be irrational fear, but I can't tell you what the fear is of. All I know is when they come I don't know what is triggering them yet, just that I totally freeze. I struggle to breathe, to get up from where I am, to make my eyes blink and think about counting to 10.

I hate not being in control, and a panic attack is probably the least controlled situation I could be in. I have often thought that part of it is the looming Aug 31 date. August 31 was the day I moved to Chicago 2 years ago, and it will mark my existence in any one city for the longest period since I left Phoenix.

And I am completely uninspired by my surroundings here. I was tempted to at first say I was miserable, but I don't think that is a fair statement to make. I am completely in control of my choice to be happy or not happy in any circumstance. But I do not feel any connection to this city. Beyond my intrapersonal growth while here, I don't see this city as a place that is helping me meet goals that I have for the long term. I can't fulfill myself with my favorite interests - Hiking, Outdoors, affordable living, family, friends.

I am beyond thankful to be gainfully employed in a job that overall treats me well, pays well, and provides good benefits. But it is not a position that will satisfy me for a long period - already, I'm feeling restless and as if I've outgrown the position. Project Management is what I do best, and this job originally had it while it was in the creation stages. Now that the position and responsibilities are solidified, all that is left is executing them when required.

I've been in the pursuit for a while of shifting locales to the Pacific Northwest. I'd put off my search until just a short time ago due to visitors coming over the summer. Now that they have been here and gone, I found myself freaking out again.

I've been looking at jobs and postings and apartments. But I have to take a step back and remind myself why I'm looking at this city in the first place. Remind myself of what type of work environment/life style is really what I want. I had totally lost sight of all of these factors in my haze of "get out get out get out NOW".

It's hard to tell myself to slow down. I operate on Plan Then Execute Immediately mentality.

These last couple of days have been harder on me than I have wanted to admit. I put my boyfriend on a plane back to Phoenix, not knowing for sure when exactly I'd see him again. I have no doubt I will at some point, but it's different when you have a specific date to look forward to. I've spent a lot of time interacting with Dusty to fill a little of the void that is now missing in having a live breathing human to interact with.

I took a contract gig earlier this year, and have not been able to utilize any of that fundage until I got the tax business squared away. I met with a CPA yesterday and dropped a check in the mail to the IRS yesterday night. Now I can get about the business of Purposeful planning.

I signed up for a Green Associate course with an eligibility certificate today so I can take the LEED Green Associate exam. I am narrowing my job focus to the PacNW instead of just Portland, but to jobs that will utilize my LEED certification and help me get the building blocks to pursue AP. This is really where my heart lies, and if I move and do anything else, I'm really no better off than I was in Chicago. I'll have not learned a thing in this wretched city I called home for 2 years, if I just escape yet again but without my parachute.

This means my move will not happen overnight. This all reminded me that I need to live day by day.. not put off everything in the future when I don't even know whats going to happen. I've had vacation time booked for 2 months, but I'd hesitated buying my ticket to Mexico because of all of the above. Yesterday I booked my ticket. I need to take advantage of the fact that my company gives me such generous time off. I need to make sure I am taking care of myself every day.

I feel so much better being able to take SOME sort of action. I definitely will not be moving as quickly as I thought. But I have been telling myself for 6 months I wanted to reach my 2 year anniversary at my job because of the supervisory/management experience marker, which will help my marketability down the road.

I still have no clue what the heck the future holds. But at least I am living with no regrets.