Northerly Island

I am back in my groove! I took a 10 mile wander along the lakefront today. I knew I wanted to check out some place I had never been, so I hit Monroe harbor, and started wandering south. Northerly Island is a small peninsula just south of the Planetarium.

It was a windy day, but so nice to find a place in Chicago where I could go and be relatively undisturbed!

Church Bells

St.Ignatius Church is right at the end of my street. It is an older church built in 1906, and run by a Jesuit order until 2000.

When I have the windows open, from anywhere in my apartment I can hear when the bells chime.

No matter how technologically advanced our society may become, some things seem timeless.

For whom the bell tolls : Time marches on : for whom the bell tolls :

So... Bathtime

Apparently there is an affinity for water in this house.

I almost had a little visitor earlier today:

Thankfully... that is as far as we got. My Bubble Bath Charlie!

The Global Family

In order for this post to make sense, some back story is probably required.

The christmas of 2008, I had just moved to Kentucky. The cost of the move had completely drained my finances, and whatever was left had gone into the bucket called "Graduate School". So that meant I was spending christmas in Kentucky with Matt and his family instead of in Arizona.

It was a very special Christmas for this particular group. That winter was the first time all of Matt's siblings (6 kids including Matt) had all been in the same place with their Mom in 15 years. 3 boys, 3 girls, and the kids and spouses that came with. I was included as a daughter in this group. To this day it still blows me away how accepting everyone was.

Christy, Matt's oldest sister, is one half of a 2 singer irish folk traveling duo called Four Shillings Short (www.art.net/4ss) . During the christmas visit, they did a house concert at Rebeccas house, in addition to a full concert fundraiser in Louisville. In the house concert, they played an old traditional ballad called Health to the Company:

words and music Traditional

Kind friends and companions, come join me in rhyme

Come lift up your voices in chorus with mine

Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain

For we may and might never all meet here again

Here's a health to the company and one to my lass

Let us drink and be merry all out of one glass

Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain.

For we may and might never all meet here again

Here's a health to the dear lass that I love so well

Her style and her beauty, sure none can excel

There's a smile upon her countenance as she sits on my knee

Sure there's no one in in this wide world as happy as we Our ship lies at harbor, she's ready to dock

I hope she's safe landed without any shock I

f ever we should meet again by land or by sea

I will always remember your kindness to me

Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain For we may and might never all meet here again

Susannah is Matt's other sister who sings Jazz (Music runs in this family I tell ya!) and she got up to sing with Christy and Aodh for this song. When they got the to words I've bolded in the songs, there was a real moment. That moment where you don't want to blink because it will become a moment of the past. A moment where you realize all the petty things in the world are just that... petty. And the real reason for being here was all standing in the room with you.

Why does this come up in my head now, over 2 and a half years later? I remember thinking at the time "how the HECK does a family go 15 years without being together?" I grew up in Arizona where family surrounded you. We got together at least every other month, and coming from a big family there was always a birthday or a party or a family dinner going on.

My own family, it turns out.... now I unfortunately have my own experience to share. The last time we were all together in one place was our family cruise to Mexico over Christmas-New Year 2008. Since then our family has grown with my nephew Tyler!

I will be going to Seattle in just under a month to spend some quality family time, even if it is a short visit. And it won't be the same because Elizabeth (wow.. I think that is the first time I have ever fully typed that out. She'll always be Beth in my head) is still in Africa. Her adventure is indefinite at this point.

I have finally laid to rest a die hard habit. Pack my days with MY schedule, MY agenda, so that I don't get "smothered" by my family. It is a hard feeling of resentment to shake. But I did it. I had originally planned to make a getaway trip to Vancouver, on Mother's day, no less. Yes I know. I'm a bad daughter for even considering it. Being gone and on my own has honed a much deeper appreciation for the people that are tied to us through no choice of our own, or so we say. Yet we do actually have a choice. We have a choice to either embrace that relationship and nurture it, or let it stagnate and have it mean nothing.

Especially as I am considering the prospect and excitment behind having my own family someday, it really makes me evaluate my connections to the one I already. So I called my parents on Sunday and told them I was cancelling my trip. I knew my parents would never have told me I couldn't go mostly because I would have gone anway.

But when I vocalized I wanted to stay to spend *QUALITY* time with them, you could hear it in my mom's voice as she said that was the best Mother's day gift she could ask for. My parents both know that Vancouver ranks as one of the top 3 favorite places in the world, and I was sacrificing a visit that meant a lot to me. My dad was just dad, giving me a hard time about not wanting to have to be a backseat passenger all the time.

It took a day to be joyous about the decision, I will be honest. It was that shifting and laying down new neural response patterns. Of going beyond what I know I should do to embracing it as what I truly want to do instead. And now I absolutely cannot wait to spend 5 minutes apiece hugging each one of them.

Oh. And apparently Dad is bringing JC the Donkey to Seattle. God I love my family. The picture here is from my dad telling me that JC had a hankering for some sour cream. Didn't my parents teach me not to play with my food?

new little baby

Some friends welcome their 3rd boy into the world at 10:30am today... Welcome Ryan! However just a few short hours later Ryan is now in NICU. That's all I've gotten information wise so far, but there is nothing more heartbreaking than babies hanging on for dear life. Lots and Lots of people are pulling for you little guy... hang in there.

If I didn't look at the calendar

I would think today was June, not April.

But I'm not complaining. NOT ONE BIT. I think getting my mani/pedi day on Friday was maybe a hint to Mister Weather that we needed some sandal weather, stat. And we got it!

I have been waiting ages to be able to head out in sandals and a skirt and walk the beach. It was really the right choice moving back to Rogers Park and back within beach viewing distance. I absolutely love the ability to go right to the water's edge, and look out towards the horizon and not see a single sign of human civilization (when the sailboats are in the way I just blot them out with my thumb. Yes, I know that's cheating. So Shush already :D)

I haven't made the walk to go climb my rock yet, but we have plenty of time for that. Everyone just seems to HAPPY to be at the beach. People running, on bikes, just chilling, reading (like me), anything is better when it is surrounded by fresh air. In all this time I've never actually gone swimming in Lake Michigan. Maybe I will do that this year, we'll see.

I had a momentary twinge of longing for the Coast Guard boat time. I had to remind myself that I can still go out on the patrols, I just have to get on the waiting list to go as a guest instead of as crew. Hopefully I can do that at least a few times this season.

The day is winding down but here is to having every single of my 8 windows open, a strong breeze, the smell of fresh air and incoming rain. There's just one more thing that would make this a perfect night.

The power of words

This doesn't get emphasized enough.

Today at work, a series of words came out of my mouth that drastically changed someone's life. Each word in any other context would have been nothing of note. This one time, they were lined up in the exact order that I spoke them. They were spoke, they were heard, and then they were comprehended. Then they had true power.

They were words that I had to say as part of my job. And again, each word alone would have meant nothing. If I had not spoke, tomorrow would just be another day like today, and the one before it.

Your words have power. Every. single.one. Both spoken and written, but especially spoken. There is something about the connection experience in that sensory language that heightens the communication.

I am usually not one for small talk or chitchat. If something needs to be said I'll say it, if not I am perfectly content to not speak. I actually had my Boat Crew instructor comment on this as he was giving me a lift to the train one day. He had been talking in front of the class for over 3 hours and I figured he might be ready for a break. I just gazed out the window and relaxed in the car for a good 10 minutes until he said "You don't talk much". Me: "Nope. But I can if you would like me to".

It is still sinking in that the words I spoke today will never be forgotten by someone. Think about that. If you were saying something never to be forgotten, what would you be saying? What would someone tell you that you would never forget?

I remember when 12 years old, and my piano teacher's husband was very ill. When I was 6-8 years old he used to ask me to play the piano for him and would tell me that we would one day play an Opera together. He was a man bigger than life, until he wasn't. All these years later, I still remember those conversations. Little moments that to someone else were either a moment of dementia or else just making conversation. These moments have been woven into the fabric of my memory and are how I will think of some people for the rest of my life.

Words. They are just letters put together. L E T T E R S. I L O V E Y O U . W A R . K E T C H U P.

sometimes

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this life.

All the good... all the bad.

And then I realize. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I cherish the chance to be me, despite all my history. Despite all my past.

Somewhere out there is someone just for me.... who has been through a life like mine and who knows me for what it means. Someday...

Landmark Forum

Its been a couple of weeks since I have written.

A lot has happened.. a lot to process.

I thought I knew what to expect going into the Landmark Forum. I was mistaken. I was blown away.

We as human beings are such amazing creatures. Part of that comes the downfall that we create our reality. And our reality is based on whatever conceptions we place in front of ourselves at any given time. It was an amazing weekend. I thought I had myself all together before I walked in that door at the beginning of the conference. I went because a very dear friend pretty much left me with no choice. I've seen how much of a difference his involvement with Landmark has made in the lives of him and his family, and trusted his judgement. He did not let me down.

Just in 2 short weeks.. I have a brand new relationship with my boss. I used to resent her attitude of "Family mafia" style management. I used to resent that she tried to be a second mother to me. That resistance put a strain on my ability to communicate effectively with her in a professional manner, and I was suffering for it.

It was all about how I was looking at the situation. She has definitely noticed the difference in me, and even if I am still more than slightly weirded out that she continues to mimic me any time I do anything major (major haircut/color, major weight loss, yet another major haircut/color), mimicry is a form of flattery, right?

It really made me remember we only get 1 set of parents. Whether or not they do what I think is right based on where I am sitting.. mine made the best choices they could in the circumstances they had. It couldn't have been easy facing huge medical bills from my meningitis as young newlywed parents at 27. They were my age when I was admitted.

My parents can feel the difference. My mom knew about landmark and they were really touched that I spent 30 minutes trying to track them literally halfway around the globe from Tanzania to LAX where they had literally walked out of customs 20 minutes before I talked to them.

I told them both I'd never get off the phone without saying I Love You. I'm sticking to that for life, even if it means I have to not mean the words. Then it will be fake it till you make it time.

And perhaps most surprisingly... I've got a small flame in my heart that is slowly growing. We'll see where that leads.. So far I really like the direction. Sometimes you just KNOW.

Meet my new sidekick

I really really miss Dusty. It has been over a month and I was not in a very good space mentally between losing him and then also losing the Boat Crew class.

Since Saturday... this little guy has been my buddy. Say Hello to Charlie.

We are slowly starting to get to know each other. He's a got a host of new toys as I figure out what makes him tick and so far anything with catnip and feathers, and most recently a little laser pointer and we are in business.

Today was really rough. I walked home and it was the first really nice day in a while and everyone was either out running or with their dogs. I really missed Dusty then.

Landmark Forum

Landmark Forum.


I'm going.


March 25.


I have no clue what to expect... but it will life changing. I am going to make it so. Especially because this opportunity is only happening so quick because of an amazingly awesome person in my life who has had their own life adventure with Landmark and would not let me continue to make excuses for why I have not gone already.


Stay tuned.

Heartbroken

I just found out today that the #1 reason I joined the US Coast Guard Auxiliary... I have been told I will not be given the final certification due to my hearing loss and concern for my safety and that of other crew members during on the water patrols.

This has been my dream since I was old enough to know there was a coast guard. I got my hopes up when i found out about the Auxiliary in October, and after going on 2 patrols as a guest I could see myself being involved in boat crew patrols for the rest of my life if I was near water. This is no longer an option for me anymore. The only boat/water related option for me at this point is Vessel Safety Examiner, which all takes place on land. While I know it is valuable, I can't swallow having to turn down my dream, AGAIN. I woke up voluntarily on Saturdays at 5am to get my ass to this class that goes for 9 months.

But now... my dog is gone. My class is gone. My family is gone. All the things that I had finally put real effort to make some semblance of a life here in the last 6 months have all completely disinigrated. I feel like I need to look for something overseas.. there's no reason to stay here anymore. Being here hurts too much.

I have to look out my window at work and Lake Michigan takes up 65% of the view. Every time I looked out the window before I could see the station and I would get excited about the next time I would be going out. Now its just a constant reminder of what my deafness is stopping me from doing. I need my own damn boat.

Dusty is gone

A lot can happen in 24 hours.

Long story short.... I put dusty on a plane to arizona last night. It was a heartbreaking thing to do. I don't need to relive the details as to why here right now.. maybe another day. Right now I'm just trying to make it through tonight.

There are toys everywhere. Tennis balls. bones. Dog food.. water bowl. It is like I have an invisible dog. But I didn't realize how much I rely on him to be waiting by the door for me when i get home. It felt wrong to come in and not see him right there.

Adjustment

You can never quite see what's coming... this is true yet again. In the middle of this recent change of course I'm doing my damnedest to not squash hope about Life In General (tm). It is sitting in the corner trying to hide from my SADD infested self that is slowly recovering from the gloomy grey snowy wet weekend we just had.

The sun is out now and I am keeping my eyes on the glass to try and soak up as much as I can. Hopefully I can wander around during my lunch.

Hope will make it... even if I have to tie my hands behind my back.

Ghosts of books

I met someone last month and they lent me a book that I have DEVOURED. I read over half the book in less than 24 hours.

One page of text has stuck with me.. this is an excerpt from The Club Dumas by Arturo Perez-Reverte:

The ghosts of my books roam within its walls. ... sometimes I feel they come back to demand that I make amends. So, to placate them, I take up the violin that you see there and I play for hours, wandering through the house in darkness, like one of the damned. ... The wandering book collector."

I had goosebumps after reading this passage... really enjoying this book. I'm really glad for the chance to be meeting new people, even if the romantic prospects don't happen.

It's all one day at a time.. and finding the moments that make you smile.