World in Technicolor

I don't know what it is about today.

But so many things are popping out in colors I've never seen before, in places I have been time and time again.

Walking on Kingsbury Ave and seeing a teal building in the midst of brick.

Being at the Bryn Mawr stop and seeing the corner hotel at the block east, with hunter green and olive yellow paint accent.

The different colored glass panes in a Loyola Brick Building. Green, Red, Purple, Blue. all solid glass panes.

The mauve brick of the Loyola Parking garage, and the Red fire boxes in the same place above each other on every floor.

Black water tower with crooked steps.

I had my camera out for some pictures of the massive snow earlier. I will update those later. For now.. I just wanted to get these down. Wish I had been able to get clearer shots of all these technicolor moments since I was on the moving train. Dirty glass and movement never seem to go well for pictures.

Funny how that happens

I have a lot of things that make me smile right now.

Life isn't perfect and sometimes it takes a bit of work to remember that smiling is kind of an important part of having a good outlook, even if no one sees you smile.

Who would have thought... Chicago is starting to feel like home. Funny how that happens.


I hadn't truly decided to stay until my interview got cancelled at the beginning of November. Since that time...

I've moved (hopefully the last time for a while)

I've gotten my application into the Coast Guard Auxiliary and now have my weekends starting to look pretty booked.

I've made some closer friends that I met in October

I've met quite a few people outside my normal social circle through that psychology experiment I'm running called match.com since I joined at the beginning of January. Some horrendously awkward coffee and lunch dates so far but it has made me appreciate when someone that matches me well comes along. One in particular is slowly developing and unfolding. I'm excited to see where this continues to go.

I've allowed myself the option to be happy AND not feel guilty. I can't change the past. I can't change mistakes I may have made. I can't stop other people's choices and life changes... and there are more circumstances I can't control. Most of all.. I can't control everything.

And That's OK. .... (yes. Still working on true 150% acceptance of this statement. But slowly. Its my mantra lately).

and I've already posted it here before.. but this picture is what takes me back into the place where I first found balance. I was sitting on a rock in the middle of the river in Vancouver's Lynn Canyon. This is the place that comes to mind when I try to recapture what it felt like when things were right. This is home. And somehow I managed to capture it perfectly.

Where is the time going??

How is it already January 21. I am dumbfounded.

Still in that winter funk. But it is getting better. I took the bus this morning for a change of pace... and saw the Sun rising across the lake as we passed Loyola Park. I have forgotten much I enjoyed seeing the full sunrise every morning. It is too easy to take things for granted.

But that sun rise warmed me right to my toes on this VERY frigid and chilly days. I don't even want to look at a thermometer because it will just be more depressing.

I wish I'd been on the sidewalk so i could have taken a picture.. But this will suffice. It is from a sunrise over the lake last winter.

Lots but not to say

Been a busy couple of weeks. I've moved... again. If anyone is keeping count that is move #4 in chicago in 2 years, and move #7 since Jan 1 2006.

The holidays are over, the gloom is still here. Lights are going down and the grey cold fog is crouching on in. I take my bubble baths with a book almost nightly now.


I've started a blog post here many times over the last couple of weeks, and haven't hit publish. I know moping when I see it, and sometimes I just need to let those days pass without documenting them to embarrass myself later.

This girl and her soul need to get out of the city for a while. I haven't left Chicago since October, and haven't been on the water since October either. I start my Boat Crew class for 15 weeks of Saturdays on Jan 15, so if I want to do something this coming saturday is about my only full weekend from now until May.

Intensity

The hardest part of soul searching is at times the absence of sincere interaction with those who understand and seek the same things you do.

In the last 5 years, I have met 2 such people. One is an absolute sweetheart of a lady who moved from Chicago about 6 months after I met her to put her heart where she had been drawn to.

The other has been another woman I have watched from a distance. I've heard bits and pieces of her story and spoke up when I had a chance. When I've been listening it has felt like an echo of my life from 2 years ago. I feel like I was chosen to stay here.. to give up on my dream of seattle and portland and green for a bigger purpose.

Today started like any other day. I'm often known in my circles as an enabler once people confide in me their fears, their goals, and their hopes. I know how important my journey has been for me and if there's anything I can do to put someone on the right path for theirs, I usually don't hesitate. What most people don't realize is how little it takes to do this. It takes listening with your heart, and paying attention to what is being said in between the lines.

So today I became an enabler for this woman. I brought her a single piece of paper like it was a ticket to freedom. And we sat in my office for a few minutes both moves to tears that we were fighting back... simply because we have someone else. Someone else who even if we don't have the answer, understands and yearns for the search. LIVES for the quest of finding just what we are capable of.

And to this lovely woman if she is reading... Thank you for letting me in. You have blessed me in a way I have needed, to be reminded of just how far I have come. May the serenity of choice provide you ground in turmoil that is simply a storm of clouds... the ground remains the ground even if we do not feel the vision to see it.

and things are amovin'

A lot happens in a short time.

I'm moving back to Chicago... signed the lease for a new place a week ago today. I'm really excited about the location. On Friday when I signed the paperwork I wandered around the half mile from the apartment to Clark and back. I hit the Furniture store, Stella Espresso, Urb Animal, and Devon Market.

This reminds me of what I gave up when I thought I wanted things a little quieter. Evanston is a great small suburb if you have a family and most importantly a vehicle. I'll be much more able to get what I need and where I want to go without having to spend so much time en route to get there.

I'll do another update on my running workshop next but things have slowed down but are ramping back up again. I'm cancelling on actually going to Myrtle as airfare is definitely more than I was anticipating and a friend who was planning to run with me hasn't been able to get their training started due to work conflicts. I made a donation to a good cause and will be better able to enjoy a run and a trek somewhere else. I don't regret the initial decision to do it, as its what go the fire going under my butt.

Trying to keep Busy

It's been day by day lately.

I have to keep fighting the impulse to change things. Something Different. Anything Different.

It might not necessary be an entirely bad urge. But it's one distracting enough that I keep waffling back and forth. I may take a while to make a decision as I weight pros and cons, but this is something different.

I'm not handling things falling through well. I'll keep trying but every time I get more discouraged. Even something as simple as trying to get my phone upgraded FINALLY and they shoot me down. Seriously you'd think that because I'm giving you more money long term, it'd be ok to start taking that from me an extra 60 days forward. But NOOOO. *end rant*

I miss some people that I used to be really close to. We all change and the past has been left behind.. but I take a long time to make friends to begin with so when they go to the wayside its not without leaving a hole where they used to be.

I've added another person to the ames circle today. That makes 4 people across my life that have given me this nickname. I find it kind of funny because none of them know the other people (with 1 sort of exception) and they all start to use it when talking to me of their own volition, and at approximately the same stage in our friendship.

If you've called me ames and lived to tell the story... that means you're a pretty cool folk in my book.

something cute

When I get comfy at night I usually don't always get to the bed right away. Usually dusty will find a place somewhere in the living room and pass out while he waits for me. Apparently for the last week or so, he got tired of waiting. I'd get up to go to bed and he wasn't in the room. I'd get to the bedroom, turn on the light, and find him curled up in my bed. He'd given up on me hours ago. I can't really complain too much because he likes to sleep right in my normal spot, which is now all nice and toasty warm.

Thanks dusty.. I love you too.

November 9

This is the day I have run my first non stop mile. IN MY LIFE.

It felt so good I walked for 2 minutes, and did another one. Non Stop.

And then I say GO YAY! and did a little dance. After I got off the treadmill. One treadmill face palm is enough to last a lifetime.

It started off as really kind of a crappy day. I got turned down for an apartment I was really trying for and it really bummed me out. At work I was really just kind of blah... First the possible Seattle job going on the window, then the apartment. I thrive on lots of activity and while it's nice to get some time to work on projects that have been sitting for a while, my concentration comes and goes in smaller spurts.

I've dressed up today and yesterday and that's helped a little. Yesterday was one of those radiate confidence and sexy and it helped make the day go by faster. I just feel like I race these dark nights to get home and get the lights on and say you can't come in here and take MY light and my energy. This is when I feel the most lonely.

My First 5k - a Reflection

So the first official run is done.

I finished in 44:33, with an average pace of 14:21.

Yesterday's experience, taught me that training for the miles is only one part of an actual race.

The other part is dealing with the weather conditions, the route, and the people.

Melanie and I left my house at 5:30 to catch the bus down to Grant Park. It was Cold - temps were reading below 30F. It didn't seem so bad as we were walking to the bus stop, and then walking from the Congress drop to the tents in Grant park, as long as you were moving it was bearable.

Then came the wait. We got there about 6:45, and found Shelly. The start time for the 5k was 7:40. Trying to keep that warmth for an hour did not work. At some point we all had to check whatever we didn't want to carry for the race, so there went the hoodies and the sweats that had help fend off the cold - I did this about 7:10.

FINALLY, the race starts. By that I mean the gun goes off. It takes a full 15 minutes for my pace group (I put myself in with the 13 min mile group) to actually cross the start line.

In the first 4 minutes, the following was going through my head - "WTF, OWW, COLD, Hey don't elbow me, Oh this person stopped gotta move over so I don't plow into them".

It was a zoo. It took the first mile to even warm up my muscles. All thoughts of breathing, form, pace were out the window. I was just trying to stay upright and keep moving forward. With all that said, I cross the 1 mile marker in 13:35, which is not a bad time for me at all.

My other learning experience was navigating the water stations. I lost a couple minutes in this area because I made the newbie mistake of stopping and STANDING in a line to grab a cup, not able to see the other 8 tables that were further down with no people. There were people weaving back and forth, darting, it was a zoo.

About 25 minutes into the run, I hit my groove. It felt great!! Before then, I'd be alternating run/walk with 2-3min run and 1:30 walk. I did from 24:30 to 31:30 all running, and didn't feel winded or forced at all. I had to slow down when I hit a block of people that were having to go around the bend on the outside of the Planetarium walk, and then it was just one huge massive block for the last 3/4 of a mile. It was 2 switchbacks to finally get back to Columbus Dr and the FINISH stretch. More and more my endurance is increasing to do longer stretches. The form is definitely helping, from smaller steps to using smaller elbow movements back to let gravity and physics help sync a little better.

Next up is the 8k Rudolph Ramble in December. Its still going to be cold, more distance, but less people. This is slowly but surely happening...

nighttime warm fuzzies

As I've been going to bed every night for the last 3-4 nights, I've been getting the vibrating warm fuzzies.

I get these in different parts of my body over the years depending on who they're correlated with, and have come to learn each person leaves their own "signature". I can count on one hand the people in my life that I've had this close connection to.

I'm not 100% sure who is thinking of me and sending the warm fuzzies every night, and why they started up at this particular time. But you know what, I thank you. It puts a smile on my face and keeps me toasty warm as these evenings start to cool down.

Running Update

Its been a few weeks.

I'm still in this goal. I'm about halfway into week #4 of 20 according to the Race schedule I've been working off of. I'm really noticing how quickly the cardio fitness starts to ramp up. When I started, I was barely able to go 8-9 mins total over 35 mins of running. Now I'm able to do 25-30 minutes of running out of 50-60 minutes of activity.

The 5k race is in a week and a half. my first race. They're expecting in excess of 30,000 people. 30,000!!!!! I don't even know how they'll begin to navigate all the people through spaces. Only one way to find out!

staying put

I can't believe I am saying this. But I think I figured out what my problem has been these 2 years. I never expected Chicago to be a permanent move. It was an escape move from a relationship and financial situation that has ended up being the biggest trial by fire I've been put through. It's no secret I am not fond of this town. I've had a difficult time making friends, and I am not able to get into the great outdoors. Half the problem was because my work is not challenging anymore, and I need that to stay interested. I was without direction, without goals, without interests. I'm involved in a indefinite long distance relationship that operates on 2 visits a year, if I'm lucky.

But for the first time.. I am finding myself having to juggle time to see if I can do everything I want to do. I'm outside with a physical goal to run a half marathon in 5 months. I just signed up with the Coast Guard Auxiliary unit here for the Willmette Harbor, which has a Search and Rescue mission component, as well as boating safety, and other Coast Guard activities. I am beyond the moon about getting back onto the water. I wanted to apply to the USCG as a kid but I'm disqualified because of my hearing. I never knew about the Aux unit until today. As soon as I found out, I made the call and less than 30 mins later, I'm on the calendar for boat time.

I'm looking at possibly having a roommate for some more social interaction, but also to alleviate some of the dog owner logistics that I have been using as an excuse to not be out doing things.I have a meeting tomorrow to meet someone and consider taking a bedroom in their apartment. I'm bringing Dusty for a meet n greet with their 5 yr old daughter.

At first I was leery because I thought I'd be moving soon and I didn't think it fair to set up something only to bail a few months in, when kids are involved. But the kid wants a puppy and the mom jumped at the idea of having a permanent visiting dog without having to take financial ownership of it.

In the process of setting this up, I was invited to stay for dinner. This is a first for me.... I can see all the pieces maybe coming together. This house is less than a 10 min walk from my office. I'd be able to walk home during lunch to let dusty out, and then go from work to the station, all while being able to use public transit. I was worried not having a car would make things hard, because that HAS impeded on other interests I've tried to pursue.

Its hard to let go of the idea of PacNW and the Oregon cult. But all the energy that I was putting forth into that with no results was affecting my quality of life in the meantime. I'm not one to say I wish I had ______.

In all of this... I am still realistically single. and away from my family. But maybe now things are in place that I can have a better social network here than I have the last 2 years. up to this point I've let Chicago have the upper hand... that is not my style. That all changes, starting now.Read more:

Running a half!

I signed up for my first half marathon - Myrtle Beach, Here I come!!

I've got quite a few friends who live in the stretch from DC to Florida, so I've already started pestering the ones I know who are runners to consider running with me, and everyone else to make a roadtrip to the halfway point which Myrtle is, and spend Presidents Day weekend and come cheer me on. I'm deaf! I can't hear ya unless there's huge crowd. I kid, I kid.

But it feels good to have another goal. I am also doing the Reindeer Rumble in December for a 8k, its a little difficult to find winter races in Chicago for the obvious reason as the weather can be extremely unpredictable in late December and January.

But here we go...

I DID IT!

and i'm still alive to tell about it. and Not completely kneeled over in pain.

I was a little leery about this running thing as I was loaned a book by a friend that is "Non Marathon Runner Guide to Marathons" for women. The author of the book talks a LOT about constantly being in pain. I can get no pain no gain in a figurative sense.. but something was screaming out to me you shouldn't be saying you'll be popping advil from now till the time training is over. That means you're doing something wrong.

I will definitely say that my walking over the last year has increased my overall fitness. If I had tried to do the run/walk combo I did earlier today back in July when I first started my walking, I would have failed miserably, I think. I have much greater lung capacity and muscle foundation in my quads, hamstrings, and knees. I was definitely working hard after I'd done the 9th transition to a run, but when I finished I was able to still take deep breaths and hold my head up. I didn't have a set path in mind as I was focusing more on time training than distance, but I covered 2.75 miles in about 35 minutes.

I started Friday as I was walking to Domincks on Dodge (long story, and this post really isn't to enforce my sometimes random days of "Duh" moments). I didn't have dusty but was wearing my sneakers, and figured why the hell not try the pacing switches even though i didn't have my heart rate monitor on me. I did 4 transitions of that and made it to Dominicks... I bought some small groceries to take home so I walked the way back, but I think that is what made me a little more optimistic about today before I even started.

Monday is supposed to be a rest day, but I still have to walk to/from work, and walk dusty. I've been looking into Bally again to find some options for cross training now that winter is coming. A friend has a membership there and I think I can get a discount on a friend pass for $20 a month. This would give me a workout buddy maybe, which would be a lot of fun and a good way to get more motivation.

Now time to get some sleep. I have a harder time falling asleep when i've ramped up my exercise cause I get that adrenaline rush and it just keeps me wide awake. But its been a while since I've had this intensity level and it feels really good. yay me.