Meet my new sidekick

I really really miss Dusty. It has been over a month and I was not in a very good space mentally between losing him and then also losing the Boat Crew class.

Since Saturday... this little guy has been my buddy. Say Hello to Charlie.

We are slowly starting to get to know each other. He's a got a host of new toys as I figure out what makes him tick and so far anything with catnip and feathers, and most recently a little laser pointer and we are in business.

Today was really rough. I walked home and it was the first really nice day in a while and everyone was either out running or with their dogs. I really missed Dusty then.

Landmark Forum

Landmark Forum.


I'm going.


March 25.


I have no clue what to expect... but it will life changing. I am going to make it so. Especially because this opportunity is only happening so quick because of an amazingly awesome person in my life who has had their own life adventure with Landmark and would not let me continue to make excuses for why I have not gone already.


Stay tuned.

Heartbroken

I just found out today that the #1 reason I joined the US Coast Guard Auxiliary... I have been told I will not be given the final certification due to my hearing loss and concern for my safety and that of other crew members during on the water patrols.

This has been my dream since I was old enough to know there was a coast guard. I got my hopes up when i found out about the Auxiliary in October, and after going on 2 patrols as a guest I could see myself being involved in boat crew patrols for the rest of my life if I was near water. This is no longer an option for me anymore. The only boat/water related option for me at this point is Vessel Safety Examiner, which all takes place on land. While I know it is valuable, I can't swallow having to turn down my dream, AGAIN. I woke up voluntarily on Saturdays at 5am to get my ass to this class that goes for 9 months.

But now... my dog is gone. My class is gone. My family is gone. All the things that I had finally put real effort to make some semblance of a life here in the last 6 months have all completely disinigrated. I feel like I need to look for something overseas.. there's no reason to stay here anymore. Being here hurts too much.

I have to look out my window at work and Lake Michigan takes up 65% of the view. Every time I looked out the window before I could see the station and I would get excited about the next time I would be going out. Now its just a constant reminder of what my deafness is stopping me from doing. I need my own damn boat.

Dusty is gone

A lot can happen in 24 hours.

Long story short.... I put dusty on a plane to arizona last night. It was a heartbreaking thing to do. I don't need to relive the details as to why here right now.. maybe another day. Right now I'm just trying to make it through tonight.

There are toys everywhere. Tennis balls. bones. Dog food.. water bowl. It is like I have an invisible dog. But I didn't realize how much I rely on him to be waiting by the door for me when i get home. It felt wrong to come in and not see him right there.

Adjustment

You can never quite see what's coming... this is true yet again. In the middle of this recent change of course I'm doing my damnedest to not squash hope about Life In General (tm). It is sitting in the corner trying to hide from my SADD infested self that is slowly recovering from the gloomy grey snowy wet weekend we just had.

The sun is out now and I am keeping my eyes on the glass to try and soak up as much as I can. Hopefully I can wander around during my lunch.

Hope will make it... even if I have to tie my hands behind my back.

Ghosts of books

I met someone last month and they lent me a book that I have DEVOURED. I read over half the book in less than 24 hours.

One page of text has stuck with me.. this is an excerpt from The Club Dumas by Arturo Perez-Reverte:

The ghosts of my books roam within its walls. ... sometimes I feel they come back to demand that I make amends. So, to placate them, I take up the violin that you see there and I play for hours, wandering through the house in darkness, like one of the damned. ... The wandering book collector."

I had goosebumps after reading this passage... really enjoying this book. I'm really glad for the chance to be meeting new people, even if the romantic prospects don't happen.

It's all one day at a time.. and finding the moments that make you smile.

World in Technicolor

I don't know what it is about today.

But so many things are popping out in colors I've never seen before, in places I have been time and time again.

Walking on Kingsbury Ave and seeing a teal building in the midst of brick.

Being at the Bryn Mawr stop and seeing the corner hotel at the block east, with hunter green and olive yellow paint accent.

The different colored glass panes in a Loyola Brick Building. Green, Red, Purple, Blue. all solid glass panes.

The mauve brick of the Loyola Parking garage, and the Red fire boxes in the same place above each other on every floor.

Black water tower with crooked steps.

I had my camera out for some pictures of the massive snow earlier. I will update those later. For now.. I just wanted to get these down. Wish I had been able to get clearer shots of all these technicolor moments since I was on the moving train. Dirty glass and movement never seem to go well for pictures.

Funny how that happens

I have a lot of things that make me smile right now.

Life isn't perfect and sometimes it takes a bit of work to remember that smiling is kind of an important part of having a good outlook, even if no one sees you smile.

Who would have thought... Chicago is starting to feel like home. Funny how that happens.


I hadn't truly decided to stay until my interview got cancelled at the beginning of November. Since that time...

I've moved (hopefully the last time for a while)

I've gotten my application into the Coast Guard Auxiliary and now have my weekends starting to look pretty booked.

I've made some closer friends that I met in October

I've met quite a few people outside my normal social circle through that psychology experiment I'm running called match.com since I joined at the beginning of January. Some horrendously awkward coffee and lunch dates so far but it has made me appreciate when someone that matches me well comes along. One in particular is slowly developing and unfolding. I'm excited to see where this continues to go.

I've allowed myself the option to be happy AND not feel guilty. I can't change the past. I can't change mistakes I may have made. I can't stop other people's choices and life changes... and there are more circumstances I can't control. Most of all.. I can't control everything.

And That's OK. .... (yes. Still working on true 150% acceptance of this statement. But slowly. Its my mantra lately).

and I've already posted it here before.. but this picture is what takes me back into the place where I first found balance. I was sitting on a rock in the middle of the river in Vancouver's Lynn Canyon. This is the place that comes to mind when I try to recapture what it felt like when things were right. This is home. And somehow I managed to capture it perfectly.

Where is the time going??

How is it already January 21. I am dumbfounded.

Still in that winter funk. But it is getting better. I took the bus this morning for a change of pace... and saw the Sun rising across the lake as we passed Loyola Park. I have forgotten much I enjoyed seeing the full sunrise every morning. It is too easy to take things for granted.

But that sun rise warmed me right to my toes on this VERY frigid and chilly days. I don't even want to look at a thermometer because it will just be more depressing.

I wish I'd been on the sidewalk so i could have taken a picture.. But this will suffice. It is from a sunrise over the lake last winter.

Lots but not to say

Been a busy couple of weeks. I've moved... again. If anyone is keeping count that is move #4 in chicago in 2 years, and move #7 since Jan 1 2006.

The holidays are over, the gloom is still here. Lights are going down and the grey cold fog is crouching on in. I take my bubble baths with a book almost nightly now.


I've started a blog post here many times over the last couple of weeks, and haven't hit publish. I know moping when I see it, and sometimes I just need to let those days pass without documenting them to embarrass myself later.

This girl and her soul need to get out of the city for a while. I haven't left Chicago since October, and haven't been on the water since October either. I start my Boat Crew class for 15 weeks of Saturdays on Jan 15, so if I want to do something this coming saturday is about my only full weekend from now until May.

Intensity

The hardest part of soul searching is at times the absence of sincere interaction with those who understand and seek the same things you do.

In the last 5 years, I have met 2 such people. One is an absolute sweetheart of a lady who moved from Chicago about 6 months after I met her to put her heart where she had been drawn to.

The other has been another woman I have watched from a distance. I've heard bits and pieces of her story and spoke up when I had a chance. When I've been listening it has felt like an echo of my life from 2 years ago. I feel like I was chosen to stay here.. to give up on my dream of seattle and portland and green for a bigger purpose.

Today started like any other day. I'm often known in my circles as an enabler once people confide in me their fears, their goals, and their hopes. I know how important my journey has been for me and if there's anything I can do to put someone on the right path for theirs, I usually don't hesitate. What most people don't realize is how little it takes to do this. It takes listening with your heart, and paying attention to what is being said in between the lines.

So today I became an enabler for this woman. I brought her a single piece of paper like it was a ticket to freedom. And we sat in my office for a few minutes both moves to tears that we were fighting back... simply because we have someone else. Someone else who even if we don't have the answer, understands and yearns for the search. LIVES for the quest of finding just what we are capable of.

And to this lovely woman if she is reading... Thank you for letting me in. You have blessed me in a way I have needed, to be reminded of just how far I have come. May the serenity of choice provide you ground in turmoil that is simply a storm of clouds... the ground remains the ground even if we do not feel the vision to see it.

and things are amovin'

A lot happens in a short time.

I'm moving back to Chicago... signed the lease for a new place a week ago today. I'm really excited about the location. On Friday when I signed the paperwork I wandered around the half mile from the apartment to Clark and back. I hit the Furniture store, Stella Espresso, Urb Animal, and Devon Market.

This reminds me of what I gave up when I thought I wanted things a little quieter. Evanston is a great small suburb if you have a family and most importantly a vehicle. I'll be much more able to get what I need and where I want to go without having to spend so much time en route to get there.

I'll do another update on my running workshop next but things have slowed down but are ramping back up again. I'm cancelling on actually going to Myrtle as airfare is definitely more than I was anticipating and a friend who was planning to run with me hasn't been able to get their training started due to work conflicts. I made a donation to a good cause and will be better able to enjoy a run and a trek somewhere else. I don't regret the initial decision to do it, as its what go the fire going under my butt.

Trying to keep Busy

It's been day by day lately.

I have to keep fighting the impulse to change things. Something Different. Anything Different.

It might not necessary be an entirely bad urge. But it's one distracting enough that I keep waffling back and forth. I may take a while to make a decision as I weight pros and cons, but this is something different.

I'm not handling things falling through well. I'll keep trying but every time I get more discouraged. Even something as simple as trying to get my phone upgraded FINALLY and they shoot me down. Seriously you'd think that because I'm giving you more money long term, it'd be ok to start taking that from me an extra 60 days forward. But NOOOO. *end rant*

I miss some people that I used to be really close to. We all change and the past has been left behind.. but I take a long time to make friends to begin with so when they go to the wayside its not without leaving a hole where they used to be.

I've added another person to the ames circle today. That makes 4 people across my life that have given me this nickname. I find it kind of funny because none of them know the other people (with 1 sort of exception) and they all start to use it when talking to me of their own volition, and at approximately the same stage in our friendship.

If you've called me ames and lived to tell the story... that means you're a pretty cool folk in my book.

something cute

When I get comfy at night I usually don't always get to the bed right away. Usually dusty will find a place somewhere in the living room and pass out while he waits for me. Apparently for the last week or so, he got tired of waiting. I'd get up to go to bed and he wasn't in the room. I'd get to the bedroom, turn on the light, and find him curled up in my bed. He'd given up on me hours ago. I can't really complain too much because he likes to sleep right in my normal spot, which is now all nice and toasty warm.

Thanks dusty.. I love you too.

November 9

This is the day I have run my first non stop mile. IN MY LIFE.

It felt so good I walked for 2 minutes, and did another one. Non Stop.

And then I say GO YAY! and did a little dance. After I got off the treadmill. One treadmill face palm is enough to last a lifetime.

It started off as really kind of a crappy day. I got turned down for an apartment I was really trying for and it really bummed me out. At work I was really just kind of blah... First the possible Seattle job going on the window, then the apartment. I thrive on lots of activity and while it's nice to get some time to work on projects that have been sitting for a while, my concentration comes and goes in smaller spurts.

I've dressed up today and yesterday and that's helped a little. Yesterday was one of those radiate confidence and sexy and it helped make the day go by faster. I just feel like I race these dark nights to get home and get the lights on and say you can't come in here and take MY light and my energy. This is when I feel the most lonely.