Heading Back!

My parents surprised me with a ticket and doggy sitting yesterday. I'm headed back to the Valley just in time to wish my sister good luck and congrats for graduating from ASU, and now moving to Africa.

I think I found it

I've been one of the many having an exisential crisis over employment, where to live, how to live, what the hell am I doing with my life. Am I doing what I enjoy?

I moved from Arizona because I could not stand the overpopulation of the Phoenix valley, and the detrimental affects on my health. Even after all my travels and spending time in other places... I have always had a favorite spot for the high desert. It is like nothing else you will ever experience in your life.

I am not happy working in the non profit world and not tangibly feeling the difference I'm supposedly making. I can't sit in a desk for 40 hours a week. I want to do things with my hands, engage with people, teach them things.

I want to live within my own footprint and be surrounded by things that just stop and make you go WOW.

I think I want to live here: http://www.arcosanti.org/

I have always loved this place... I am not quite sure how this would all work. But this place is the fusion of my journey over the last 10 years - being involved in non profit, urban planning, sustainability, teaching, enjoyment of nature.

Daddy's Girl

man I am feeling so homesick this week. This is a tough week for it to be happening, I'm already feeling pulled different directions.

One of my favorite pictures of my dad and I, at my cousin Shane's wedding in Fountain Hills 5-6 years ago.





I'll always be a daddy's girl.

Sedona Sanctuary

Today... my body is stuck in this desk, and drudging through menial things.


My spirit.. my mind... are here




I took this picture one of the first times I drove to Sedona on my own... I would like my ashes spread here some day.

small things

Its always interesting to me what people remember, and what is deemed significant.

Monday, October 26, 2009.

Laundry and 2 Long Island Iced teas with dinner. This day changed my life forever.

Sometimes I wish I could have kept the events of this day going on indefinitely... it was such a good day.

Passing time

I really don't like to make promises to myself about trivial things. I have enough trouble being too hard on myself over other things.

This whole "growing up" thing. I don't get what I'm supposed to be doing. I guess I could probably say I've stopped being being so quick to change my surroundings. But how does one determine whether this is a good or bad thing anyway? Why does it even matter to begin with? As long as I am willing to take the consequences of whatever choices I make, then the choice itself is irrelevant.

I'm not crippled by the fear of choices anymore.

And a picture because I want to.

Mexico

There was a lot of good things on the vacation I just got back from.

Highlites were good friends, lots of things to see, SUNSHINE.

I feel like there's lots to say, but the words don't want to come out yet. I'm still working through my pictures.

1 Yr Car Free

On March 10, it has officially been 1 year since I sold my truck.

I just realized that this morning as I was walking to work. While I have proven to myself I do not need a vehicle to get around for the essential reasons (work, groceries, supplies), I am really really missing the escapism it provided.

I have compensated with numerous car rentals for weekend excursions, but that is completely devoid of any real spontanaeity that I love so much. To my friends who I would visit if I could just hop and go... you know this, right?


Truck camping was so convenient too - just throw the old futon mattress in the back of the bed with water, food, and dog supplies and I can go anywhere, in any weather.

looking back

Last weekend I did a 2k mile roadtrip to Western NY and Toronto over the weekend.

I've had a lot of emotions tied to this trip, some expected and others that were a surprise.


The biggest thing I didn't expect was to feel a sense of belonging as soon as I was in the area. I moved to Chicago from Kentucky because I didn't have anything to go back to in Rochester, or so I thought. Job wise that is probably true. The surroundings are what got me.

Living and bounded by Chicago's transit system, I have yearned for the freedom I used to have to get out of the often traveled paths and just be by myself. I had this in abundance in New York, and had a pretty good balance. I took my belly dance classes, went hiking on the weekends, and had friends that I still keep in touch with today.

It really enforced my gut feeling that Chicago is not where I'm meant to end up. Its difficult to figure out how much of the New York itch is for my remembrance of only the good things. New york was not perfect. But, it was the place I first started learning to be happy being single. I was coming to the cusp of that knowledge and lifestyle when I packed up and moved to Kentucky to be with Matt.

I can't even begin to describe the feeling of coming back somewhere and having people WAITING for me. Having them fighting for my attention for the few precious days I was there. I was in New york for almost 2 years. I have been in Chicago for a year and a half.

I've gotten better at resisting impulse decisions. I still have a strong desire to live in Vancouver as well, and it has been 6 months since I made that trip. I don't have any of my previous excuses to lean a decision one way or the other. While its liberating... any mistakes are also 100% my own. I know better than to be crippled by that consequence, but I'm having a hard time balancing the "if its what you want, do it" and the risk that all of this is just loneliness here kicking in.

Creative Spark

Over the last few weeks, a friend of mine who enjoys non traditional writing and sound experience projects has been bouncing a lot of his stories and pieces of his stories off me.

This was the first time I've had the chance to creatively think about pleasure writing and all of its possible forms in several years. There is a totally different animal involved when the words are not your own and you can just play with them, sort of the same way you would do with a words magnet Fridge kit.

But in any case... the writing juices are starting to flow. They're not the same ones I had earlier. I have a good chunk of poems that I went through the trouble of digging up last week. Oh my lordy some of them are BAD. BAD BAD BAD. But, a handful still strike me as moving, and I am finding it ironic now that those pieces all are all ones I just wrote for fun, not based on any specific real instance or feeling or emotion. Maybe that was part of that one step removed process.

I thought I'd post my 3 top favorites here.

old man sitting on the corner
a worn cap in his fragile hands
sure this was the place she said
that bench at half past two
clock to chime the hours passed
and still he sat to wait
she'd have a flower in her hair
if she remembered again today
at dusk he finally went inside
stopped a nurse down the hall
"have you seen my wife" he said






Bitch

candied tone
a poor disguise
your smile spews
embittered lies
malicious snares
in fervor plied
acerbic gaze from
wickedness imbibed
no sympathy inside
for these
crocodile tears
you try




Wrapped around my mind
flimsy paper lanterns shine
Dangling carefree down
from thin tattered twine
lively color patterns dance
A finger twirls edges round
bouncing light, shadows lost
paths never traveled twice
Every angle, a different view
best seen filtered through
Direct gaze and expose
colors run to blend a grey

Goodbye Ronnie

My grandmother's brother passed away from colon cancer last night. 

I am glad he is no longer in pain .. I know he has suffered much physical and emotional pain. His wife had a severe stroke recently, and it has affected her ability to remember a lot of things. Ronnie had moved into a nursing home to take care of her, when her care required around the clock assistance. Then he himself was diagnosed with colon cancer... it has been a long year for my family and the collective declines due to cancer. 

We love you Ronnie. 

Lighthouse Park Vancouver

Lighthouse Park is another free provincial park in West Vancouver (north of Lions Gate Bridge)

This was the first REAL hike I've had since I moved from New York in 2007. I was in complete heaven! This park is right off a road, but goes from the road to the bay, and lots of pretty scenery along the way.

From my perch here, I could see Lions Gate Bridge and Vancouver downtown to my left, University of British Columbia and the Provincial Beaches directly in front, and then the bay and Vancouver Island to my right.









And what would a lighthouse park be, without a Lighthouse?? This lighthouse wasn't open to the public so I wasn't able to get any closer than this. Coming to this park first, this was my reference point as I worked my way around the Bay to the UBC Pacific Spirit Park, Wreck Beach, and Stanley Island.

Lynn Canyon Vancouver

I chose Lynn Canyon over Capilano Suspension Bridge becase it was free, less busy, and absolutely breathtaking. I will forever be an outdoors girl - this is what tells me I won't stay in Chicago forever. I did the Lynn Canyon trails on my first day in Vancouver, after spending the morning at Lighthouse Park (will be my next post).




Once I got over the bridge and onto the trail, it diverted down to the river after a while. I found a big rock in the middle of the water, and Listened to my hearts content. I realized the water wasn't going anywhere anytime soon, and so I got my camera out and started looking at the leaves floating and swirling around at the base of the rocks. The picture below is one of my absolute favorites I've taken, Ever.

I have had all these pictures on my computer Screensaver, and I could tell a 10 minute story about every one. So much serenity. So much clarity of thought. So much contentment. Even in situations where I would never have fathomed myself saying the words "I'm Happy", I made the conscious choice. And what do you know... I was happy.


Panning up from my rock in the middle of the river... I looked up and saw lots of rocks. Empty places where people could take a diversion from the trail and just think. And look up. And smell the water. And listen to the birds. and realize that all of this enjoyment cost not a single penny to appreciate. There were no lines. No Tickets. Just a pair of sneakers and a willing body.


Scenes like these are ones that make me remember one of my favorite quotes from
"A River Runs Through It"

Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs.
I am haunted by waters.

Vancouver Review - PICS!

I love memories. And photographs. Sometimes I worry that because so much of my activities don't involve other people, there's only me to have the memory. And if something should happen to me or my memory... all these experiences would just fade into the nether. Even 2 people involved in the same memory will have different recollections, but thats still possibly better than none at all.


Its paranoia, I know. I hope that I'm never a victim of Alzheimers - I could deal with phyiscal ailments if they came along, but losing my mental capacities would be the most crippling, power stripping thing I could think of.

My Vancouver trip especially.... I spent an entire week in Canada, no friends (other than a quick lunch visit on my last day), no familiar people. And this week was one of the best experiences of my life. I don't know very many people (only 2 come to mind, actually) who have had similar if not exact experiences. That makes it difficult to frame the experience to someone who has no starting point.

And now... with that morbid thought out of the way. Pictures! Memory sharing!

Progress

I was reading an earlier post from this summer where I was patting myself on the back for getting out of the office by 5:30.


I regularly leave the office at my scheduled time of 4pm these days. GO ME!


Before the Holidays set in, and the bitter cold weather snuck up, I was walking 40 miles a week. I think I can continue to maintain that. I did 6.2 miles yesterday, in the nice and brisk 30F temps. Its supposed to stay this way all week. Both Dusty and I are loving the extra exercise.