1 Yr Car Free

On March 10, it has officially been 1 year since I sold my truck.

I just realized that this morning as I was walking to work. While I have proven to myself I do not need a vehicle to get around for the essential reasons (work, groceries, supplies), I am really really missing the escapism it provided.

I have compensated with numerous car rentals for weekend excursions, but that is completely devoid of any real spontanaeity that I love so much. To my friends who I would visit if I could just hop and go... you know this, right?


Truck camping was so convenient too - just throw the old futon mattress in the back of the bed with water, food, and dog supplies and I can go anywhere, in any weather.

looking back

Last weekend I did a 2k mile roadtrip to Western NY and Toronto over the weekend.

I've had a lot of emotions tied to this trip, some expected and others that were a surprise.


The biggest thing I didn't expect was to feel a sense of belonging as soon as I was in the area. I moved to Chicago from Kentucky because I didn't have anything to go back to in Rochester, or so I thought. Job wise that is probably true. The surroundings are what got me.

Living and bounded by Chicago's transit system, I have yearned for the freedom I used to have to get out of the often traveled paths and just be by myself. I had this in abundance in New York, and had a pretty good balance. I took my belly dance classes, went hiking on the weekends, and had friends that I still keep in touch with today.

It really enforced my gut feeling that Chicago is not where I'm meant to end up. Its difficult to figure out how much of the New York itch is for my remembrance of only the good things. New york was not perfect. But, it was the place I first started learning to be happy being single. I was coming to the cusp of that knowledge and lifestyle when I packed up and moved to Kentucky to be with Matt.

I can't even begin to describe the feeling of coming back somewhere and having people WAITING for me. Having them fighting for my attention for the few precious days I was there. I was in New york for almost 2 years. I have been in Chicago for a year and a half.

I've gotten better at resisting impulse decisions. I still have a strong desire to live in Vancouver as well, and it has been 6 months since I made that trip. I don't have any of my previous excuses to lean a decision one way or the other. While its liberating... any mistakes are also 100% my own. I know better than to be crippled by that consequence, but I'm having a hard time balancing the "if its what you want, do it" and the risk that all of this is just loneliness here kicking in.

Creative Spark

Over the last few weeks, a friend of mine who enjoys non traditional writing and sound experience projects has been bouncing a lot of his stories and pieces of his stories off me.

This was the first time I've had the chance to creatively think about pleasure writing and all of its possible forms in several years. There is a totally different animal involved when the words are not your own and you can just play with them, sort of the same way you would do with a words magnet Fridge kit.

But in any case... the writing juices are starting to flow. They're not the same ones I had earlier. I have a good chunk of poems that I went through the trouble of digging up last week. Oh my lordy some of them are BAD. BAD BAD BAD. But, a handful still strike me as moving, and I am finding it ironic now that those pieces all are all ones I just wrote for fun, not based on any specific real instance or feeling or emotion. Maybe that was part of that one step removed process.

I thought I'd post my 3 top favorites here.

old man sitting on the corner
a worn cap in his fragile hands
sure this was the place she said
that bench at half past two
clock to chime the hours passed
and still he sat to wait
she'd have a flower in her hair
if she remembered again today
at dusk he finally went inside
stopped a nurse down the hall
"have you seen my wife" he said






Bitch

candied tone
a poor disguise
your smile spews
embittered lies
malicious snares
in fervor plied
acerbic gaze from
wickedness imbibed
no sympathy inside
for these
crocodile tears
you try




Wrapped around my mind
flimsy paper lanterns shine
Dangling carefree down
from thin tattered twine
lively color patterns dance
A finger twirls edges round
bouncing light, shadows lost
paths never traveled twice
Every angle, a different view
best seen filtered through
Direct gaze and expose
colors run to blend a grey

Goodbye Ronnie

My grandmother's brother passed away from colon cancer last night. 

I am glad he is no longer in pain .. I know he has suffered much physical and emotional pain. His wife had a severe stroke recently, and it has affected her ability to remember a lot of things. Ronnie had moved into a nursing home to take care of her, when her care required around the clock assistance. Then he himself was diagnosed with colon cancer... it has been a long year for my family and the collective declines due to cancer. 

We love you Ronnie. 

Lighthouse Park Vancouver

Lighthouse Park is another free provincial park in West Vancouver (north of Lions Gate Bridge)

This was the first REAL hike I've had since I moved from New York in 2007. I was in complete heaven! This park is right off a road, but goes from the road to the bay, and lots of pretty scenery along the way.

From my perch here, I could see Lions Gate Bridge and Vancouver downtown to my left, University of British Columbia and the Provincial Beaches directly in front, and then the bay and Vancouver Island to my right.









And what would a lighthouse park be, without a Lighthouse?? This lighthouse wasn't open to the public so I wasn't able to get any closer than this. Coming to this park first, this was my reference point as I worked my way around the Bay to the UBC Pacific Spirit Park, Wreck Beach, and Stanley Island.

Lynn Canyon Vancouver

I chose Lynn Canyon over Capilano Suspension Bridge becase it was free, less busy, and absolutely breathtaking. I will forever be an outdoors girl - this is what tells me I won't stay in Chicago forever. I did the Lynn Canyon trails on my first day in Vancouver, after spending the morning at Lighthouse Park (will be my next post).




Once I got over the bridge and onto the trail, it diverted down to the river after a while. I found a big rock in the middle of the water, and Listened to my hearts content. I realized the water wasn't going anywhere anytime soon, and so I got my camera out and started looking at the leaves floating and swirling around at the base of the rocks. The picture below is one of my absolute favorites I've taken, Ever.

I have had all these pictures on my computer Screensaver, and I could tell a 10 minute story about every one. So much serenity. So much clarity of thought. So much contentment. Even in situations where I would never have fathomed myself saying the words "I'm Happy", I made the conscious choice. And what do you know... I was happy.


Panning up from my rock in the middle of the river... I looked up and saw lots of rocks. Empty places where people could take a diversion from the trail and just think. And look up. And smell the water. And listen to the birds. and realize that all of this enjoyment cost not a single penny to appreciate. There were no lines. No Tickets. Just a pair of sneakers and a willing body.


Scenes like these are ones that make me remember one of my favorite quotes from
"A River Runs Through It"

Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs.
I am haunted by waters.

Vancouver Review - PICS!

I love memories. And photographs. Sometimes I worry that because so much of my activities don't involve other people, there's only me to have the memory. And if something should happen to me or my memory... all these experiences would just fade into the nether. Even 2 people involved in the same memory will have different recollections, but thats still possibly better than none at all.


Its paranoia, I know. I hope that I'm never a victim of Alzheimers - I could deal with phyiscal ailments if they came along, but losing my mental capacities would be the most crippling, power stripping thing I could think of.

My Vancouver trip especially.... I spent an entire week in Canada, no friends (other than a quick lunch visit on my last day), no familiar people. And this week was one of the best experiences of my life. I don't know very many people (only 2 come to mind, actually) who have had similar if not exact experiences. That makes it difficult to frame the experience to someone who has no starting point.

And now... with that morbid thought out of the way. Pictures! Memory sharing!

Progress

I was reading an earlier post from this summer where I was patting myself on the back for getting out of the office by 5:30.


I regularly leave the office at my scheduled time of 4pm these days. GO ME!


Before the Holidays set in, and the bitter cold weather snuck up, I was walking 40 miles a week. I think I can continue to maintain that. I did 6.2 miles yesterday, in the nice and brisk 30F temps. Its supposed to stay this way all week. Both Dusty and I are loving the extra exercise.

For the last month or so ... pieces of my life from the last decade have started to intersect my current life. I'm not actively seeking them in any way, but I find myself surrounded by them. There's really not a way right now to avoid them without changing my patterns.  I didn't do anything to set this occurrence to start, so I'm hesitant to just skip out. 

I've done a pretty good job of avoiding the biological clock with my female friends. My current life resembles theirs in no way. My plans and activities don't even have the same palette of choices, so it makes wishful thinking kind of moot. 

But these pieces are making the "What If" part of my brain think. And ache a little. What if that high school sweetheart had stayed around... would the  married with a baby life he's  talking about have me in it instead? I'm glad we're sort of casual friends now, but I keep our topics on safe things. Its not his fault life took him somewhere else.. I just wish wish the salt wasn't going in the wound too.  But no real way to tactfully address this as all the talk is in mixed company. 

I can feel the beginning signs of SADD. I am just wanting to come home and shut away from the world... at the same time I want people to reach out to ME. To have my phone or email or even IM go off just once in a while... someone out there telling me I crossed their mind. I know how it feels to want that and so I try to initiate it myself too. 

I wrote Matt and Rebecca each a christmas Card. and as much as I want to send it .... something is keeping me from putting the stamp on them. Maybe its because I want him to have to remember that I'm here. That as much as he tries to pretend that I never touched his life.. he and Rebecca both touched mine. And I will never be the same... for good or bad. 

But what good would come out of that? He's had my number.. he has my email address. Since the text message he sent on the 1 year anniversary of leaving from Kentucky, there has been absolute silence, of every kind. So I think I know that this card would just be wishful thinking... I'd be watching the mailbox for days hoping something might come in return. And deep down... knowing it never will. 

New Apartment!

No pictures at the moment, but I'm moving. Again. Just across the city line into Evanston.

More than anything with this particular move, I feel like I found a HOME. I was standing in the apartment, which is on the second floor in an older house that has been converted into a quadplex.

I appreciate the small things. Simply having a separate bedroom is fantastic beyond words.

The closets don't have doors, but I can come up with curtains, or maybe use this as a chance to make my own.

I want to hang up my art pieces, and feel the liberty of having non white walls. I was given the OK to pick a paint color! Whoo!!

Since I don't have to put down a security deposit, I am hopefully going to use my bonus and tax return to pay some bills down, but also get a nice couch. Doesn't neccessarily have to be brand new, but the one I have now just isn't really the comfortable, don't want to have to move it if I can avoid it.

Daylight Savings

Due to the shift back... I now see the twilight on my walk home. Snapped these as I was walking along the beach, as always...

Sunnier Places

With all the gloom and doom in Chicago this week... I'm thinking of sunnier places.

At the moment, I'd rather be here.....

Familiar Faces

I tend to take the 6:53am bus or the 7:12am bus to work. After a while, I started to recognize the drivers, and some of the frequent passengers on each route. 

I recognize the workers at Jamba Juice, and the one who remembers my name even though I only come in about once a month. 

The cashier at 7-11 says good morning and smiles just a little when I come into the store for my coffee. I smile back... and he's usually got my order almost rung up before I get to the counter. He is usually just checking to see whether I added any bottled water or juice to my coffee and breakfast choice. 

Sonny's recognizes me if its the owner of the store... I'm usually running in for either extra butter or dairy I don't normally keep on hand but need for banking, or to hit the ATM. He asks me what I'm baking now. 

The facilities guy at our office building is usually unlocking the swivel doors about the time I get there. Sometimes we cross the street together if he's gone across for a newspaper. 

I wonder if they ever notice me too... 

Music in words

Guy De Maupassant is genius. No one seems to write they way they used to, back in the 1800's.

An excerpt from Solitude, which is one of my favorite of his short stories:

“Do you know of anything more horrifying than this constant close contact with people that we can’t know? We love one another as if we were bound together by chains, we’re close, but we stretch our arms out and we can’t touch. We’re in the grip of a tortuous need of union, but our efforts are sterile, our pleasures useless, our secrets bear no fruit, our grasps impotent, our caresses in vain. When we want to get together, we just hurtle toward another person and then collide.“

I never feel as alone as I do when I bare my soul to some friend, because it’s then that I best understand the unbreakable barrier. There he is, a man; I see that his eyes are looking at me; but his soul, behind those eyes, I don’t have the slightest notion of it. He listens. What is he thinking? Do you understand this torment? Maybe he hates me. Or feels contempt for me, or is laughing at me? He’s thinking about what I say, he judges me, he’s scoffing at me, he condemns me, he decides I’m mediocre, or stupid. What’s he thinking? If I like him, does he like me? Just what’s going on in that little round head? The thoughts of someone else are so mysterious, those hidden thoughts. They’re free; they’re thoughts we can never know, never control, never dominate, never conquer!“

And me, as much as I’d love to give of myself entirely, open all the doors of my being, I can’t. In the deepest part of my soul, there’s a section that no one can ever know. No one can ever discover it, no one can get inside, because no one is like me, because no one understands anyone.

I have an 1892 Printed dated, leather bound book of his 10 volumes of short stories. I think this book is one of the most tangible full sensory experiences I have ever head. It intrigues every sense when I pick up and read these stories.

My thoughts Exactly