This thanksgiving had a twist .... I went from having no one to celebrate with last year, to a family I've adopted as my own... I hope the feeling's mutual! I will admit my bribe of bourbon pecan pie helped to smooth things over, as I kept hearing "mmmm...........Mmmmmmm" across the table from the biggest pecan pie fan. The family tradition of Southern Comfort and cranberry juice was oh so tasty.... one I can see myself adopting!
I just wish I could shake the feeling at the end of the day I'm playing Pretend, in the land with little singing friends. So hard to watch the life I left behind move on as if I was never even there, especially on days like this where such emphasis is put on friends and family. But I'm picking up the pieces of what's left of my heart and letting a combination of time, soul searching, and some of the best real friends help put it back together. I'm not sure when it'll be ready to consider giving to someone again ... For now, I'm just working on being able to give my heart to myself, each and every day.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Real Life
The Good News: I have a job. I can pay rent for December and not freeze my tush off.
The Bad News: I get to eat Ramen for the next month, and if I'm lucky maybe also get some wizened chicken. Whee!! That cruise is starting to look better and better... if for no other reason than there's free food.
The Bad News: I get to eat Ramen for the next month, and if I'm lucky maybe also get some wizened chicken. Whee!! That cruise is starting to look better and better... if for no other reason than there's free food.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Supporting Friends
I am friends with some amazingly talented people, whether they admit it or not.
Today was a chance to support an up and coming professional photographer, Kevin Pearce, who has had me for a fan since the first time I met him, which incidentally involved spending a day wandering around Chicago talking to his wife, also an amazing friend and artist/writer, while he shot pictures.
Starting last week, he has 2 pictures hanging and for sale at the Framing Mode Gallery in the South loop, and is slated to have his own show in April for the gallery!
If you'd like to see some more of his FANTASTIC photography, check out his two sites:
www.kwpearce.com This site is Kevin's work I've always loved, and covers everything from beloved Chicago and Arizona spots, as well as more abstract and introspective pieces.
www.facefirstphoto.com This site is for his new venture of portrait photography, as he continues to build his professional skills and capabilities.
GO KEVIN!
Today was a chance to support an up and coming professional photographer, Kevin Pearce, who has had me for a fan since the first time I met him, which incidentally involved spending a day wandering around Chicago talking to his wife, also an amazing friend and artist/writer, while he shot pictures.
Starting last week, he has 2 pictures hanging and for sale at the Framing Mode Gallery in the South loop, and is slated to have his own show in April for the gallery!
If you'd like to see some more of his FANTASTIC photography, check out his two sites:
www.kwpearce.com This site is Kevin's work I've always loved, and covers everything from beloved Chicago and Arizona spots, as well as more abstract and introspective pieces.
www.facefirstphoto.com This site is for his new venture of portrait photography, as he continues to build his professional skills and capabilities.
GO KEVIN!
Friday, November 21, 2008
On the horizon
This has been an interesting week in some ways....and my quietness here over this time was something that was acutely on my mind, but I was craving the respite of some quietness in the mind. I've been on a little raft while sharks, real or imagined, stay slightly at bay as I try desperately to catch my breath and gain a sense bearings again. Thoughts and emotions and people are just at the edge, and if I stop and reach out, I can touch them, and feel them eager to jump into that space I've just made.
And right now ..... I'm standing here, staring at the horizon in the way you do when you're trying to make time stand in place. Capturing every part of a memory, and trying to hold everything so the world stays as it looked so perfect, when the color of the sea is not muddied by the sand being kicked up by waves. Holding on and not wanting to turn back on these memories. Once you break your eyes away.... you never have that moment back again. And even as you keep standing there, your toes buried in the sand, willing you to stay. The water and the waves work their unstoppable magic, making your position weaker and weaker until you must either acquiese their command and move towards firmer footing, or fall and lose yourself among the waves.
I feel like that is where I am now. I know what needs to happen, and I can see slowly but surely how the things I've been holding on to and praying and hoping that something would bring these things back into my life. But ... like the sand .... every day they move further and further from me, until I can't even see where it all started. And whereas before I was trying to defy the laws of gravity, now I simply just wish I had more time. But more time doesn't make things magically fall back together. And more time doesn't change the innate characteristics of the things that fill our lives.
And like the sand .... some things will never be other than what they are. I am letting the sand stay on the beach ... because it's home is not on the mountain I've started climbing. If I hold onto it, it will only help me to slide back to the bottom much faster than if I am grabbing after something new. And that will change as your journey leads you on....
In these moments were it seems no matter how loud the tv goes and the El rattles by.... nothing is louder than the silence of my thoughts as I feel alone in this whole exploration, and wonder if there'll be someone out there someday who can not only recognize how much I constantly evolving as a person, but can put questions out there to help us both continue to do it.
And right now ..... I'm standing here, staring at the horizon in the way you do when you're trying to make time stand in place. Capturing every part of a memory, and trying to hold everything so the world stays as it looked so perfect, when the color of the sea is not muddied by the sand being kicked up by waves. Holding on and not wanting to turn back on these memories. Once you break your eyes away.... you never have that moment back again. And even as you keep standing there, your toes buried in the sand, willing you to stay. The water and the waves work their unstoppable magic, making your position weaker and weaker until you must either acquiese their command and move towards firmer footing, or fall and lose yourself among the waves.
I feel like that is where I am now. I know what needs to happen, and I can see slowly but surely how the things I've been holding on to and praying and hoping that something would bring these things back into my life. But ... like the sand .... every day they move further and further from me, until I can't even see where it all started. And whereas before I was trying to defy the laws of gravity, now I simply just wish I had more time. But more time doesn't make things magically fall back together. And more time doesn't change the innate characteristics of the things that fill our lives.
And like the sand .... some things will never be other than what they are. I am letting the sand stay on the beach ... because it's home is not on the mountain I've started climbing. If I hold onto it, it will only help me to slide back to the bottom much faster than if I am grabbing after something new. And that will change as your journey leads you on....
In these moments were it seems no matter how loud the tv goes and the El rattles by.... nothing is louder than the silence of my thoughts as I feel alone in this whole exploration, and wonder if there'll be someone out there someday who can not only recognize how much I constantly evolving as a person, but can put questions out there to help us both continue to do it.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Soup Modification
So I was going to make a Curry Veggie Lentil soup today. Except there's one problem... I only have 1 pot, and its not big enough! I put in the veggies, and the pot was full almost to the brim. So I added as much stock as I safely could, and decided to just turn this into a curry veggie soup. But, I'm putting SOUP POT on my christmas list!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Respite
The rain is gone, at least for now. Hello, sweet sunshine.
Now if I can make the same transition in my mood, and *hopefully* start getting some sleep again soon.
Now if I can make the same transition in my mood, and *hopefully* start getting some sleep again soon.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Heavenly
The picture on the left is not mine, but minus the foil, this is what my Pumpkin Cream cheese muffins look like - and they taste absolutely HEAVELY. I have 2 loaves of pumpkin bread as well, one that I'm going to take to work tomorrow, and then the other is spoken for. I know better than to keep these in my house!!
Saturday, November 8, 2008
What a week
Wow. I am so thankful it is Saturday. This is the first Saturday I haven't been doing something that consumes my entire day or weekend since the middle of September. Intense would be the best word to describe the last couple days, and I have learned that no matter how much I try to anticipate, prepare, and plan, there is ALWAYS something waiting to trip me up. This is so frustrating!! But, these kinds of times are also the ones where you really confirm the people in your life who are there to really support you through thick and thin, without hesitation.
My sister's visit was over too quickly, and part of the craziness this week was dealing with resurgence of homesickness, compounded with the question of where really is home, now?
Our warm spell is gone, replaced by rain, and the beginnings of snow flurries who can't make up their mind if they want to be snow or rain. It was so nice and cozy this morning, sleeping in (YAY!) and then waking up to a cozy apartment as the radiators kicked in overnight. While my heat/gas in this apartment are free, the price I do pay is not having exclusive control over the heat. The radiators have little knobs on them, but even if I have them completely closed, some days there is still a large amount of heat being radiated. I remedy this by strategically opening the windows.
One of the things that came up in conversation while my sister was here was the childhood experience in our family. While some kids were waiting for the day they turned 16 to have their driver's license, I instead had a passport and was spending my summer traveling around Europe. Both of us have been overseas several times, both on our funds and on gifts from the parents. I am able to say I've been exposed to a lot of opportunities that many people would be envious of, and I am grateful for them.
But, sometimes the motivation lying behind all these can add a twist. My parents were both so busy with their careers, that sometime I felt like this was their way of making up for not making time. I chose not to pursue a teaching career because my mom has turned hers into an 80 hrs/wk job. Often times when I came home from my trips, I would have to be picked up by friends of the family since neither of my parents were available - and sometimes not even in the state! I turned out all right, but I don't have some of the memories others do of their parents being more connected in their lives. For my birthday, all I wanted most years was time with my parents. This turned into a camping weekend for a couple years, until I started high school and marching band and sports medicine and school takes over your life.
All these things have been playing in my mind as I really try to learn from the relationship I left behind, and what I what to add to my life going forward. It is not easy. Some days, I don't want to have to admit the mistakes I made, and the solutions are sometimes not easy to swallow. What keeps my resolve is remembering the bigger picture, and that I can't change overnight. I can't have what I want, overnight. It all starts in little steps, and constant small corrections, readjustments, evaluations, and never ending soul searching.
I hadn't planned on getting this deep, but the blog has been good for me that way. This space gives me a chance to ramble a little and get the clutter out of my head; anything else depends on what is left in that little space after.
My sister's visit was over too quickly, and part of the craziness this week was dealing with resurgence of homesickness, compounded with the question of where really is home, now?
Our warm spell is gone, replaced by rain, and the beginnings of snow flurries who can't make up their mind if they want to be snow or rain. It was so nice and cozy this morning, sleeping in (YAY!) and then waking up to a cozy apartment as the radiators kicked in overnight. While my heat/gas in this apartment are free, the price I do pay is not having exclusive control over the heat. The radiators have little knobs on them, but even if I have them completely closed, some days there is still a large amount of heat being radiated. I remedy this by strategically opening the windows.
One of the things that came up in conversation while my sister was here was the childhood experience in our family. While some kids were waiting for the day they turned 16 to have their driver's license, I instead had a passport and was spending my summer traveling around Europe. Both of us have been overseas several times, both on our funds and on gifts from the parents. I am able to say I've been exposed to a lot of opportunities that many people would be envious of, and I am grateful for them.
But, sometimes the motivation lying behind all these can add a twist. My parents were both so busy with their careers, that sometime I felt like this was their way of making up for not making time. I chose not to pursue a teaching career because my mom has turned hers into an 80 hrs/wk job. Often times when I came home from my trips, I would have to be picked up by friends of the family since neither of my parents were available - and sometimes not even in the state! I turned out all right, but I don't have some of the memories others do of their parents being more connected in their lives. For my birthday, all I wanted most years was time with my parents. This turned into a camping weekend for a couple years, until I started high school and marching band and sports medicine and school takes over your life.
All these things have been playing in my mind as I really try to learn from the relationship I left behind, and what I what to add to my life going forward. It is not easy. Some days, I don't want to have to admit the mistakes I made, and the solutions are sometimes not easy to swallow. What keeps my resolve is remembering the bigger picture, and that I can't change overnight. I can't have what I want, overnight. It all starts in little steps, and constant small corrections, readjustments, evaluations, and never ending soul searching.
I hadn't planned on getting this deep, but the blog has been good for me that way. This space gives me a chance to ramble a little and get the clutter out of my head; anything else depends on what is left in that little space after.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Power Out
Sorry I've not updated, my laptop power supply decided to succumb to a fiery death on Sunday afternoon. Going tonight to get a new one, then hopefully provide a quality update.
In the meantime, I have an odd shaped mac magnet burn on my leg. Whoo!
In the meantime, I have an odd shaped mac magnet burn on my leg. Whoo!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Tourist Chicago
The sis visit is still in progress, but can be deemed a success. Today we did about 5 miles of walking, and have fun with a little hiccup with the Loyola visit. Oh well, things happen. I learned a lot about this city I didn't know, had some good pizza, and feel the good kind of tired over all the walking we did. Weather was chilly but bearable, and made the walking feel extraordinarily good.
Just a little note to say its been very nice to have company.. makes me wish I had the opportunity more often.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
My Sis is coming!
No matter how many fights or tantrums you had growing up, there's always something absolutely comfortable about being around siblings. I am glad mine have grown up in the right ways, and are for the most part fun to have around.
My little baby sister is turning 21 this weekend, and asked to come visit me her for her birthday. So, with a reward ticket from daddy funding her travel, she's coming up here for the weekend.
The plan so far is to take her down to Loyola and check out the medical campus, have some deep dish pizza for lunch, wander around downtown afterwards, and then head back up to my neighborhood and just play the rest of the evening by ear. I think I'm starting to become a fairly comfortable tour guide, though I should probably brush up on my towers of Chicago in case she asks.
My little baby sister is turning 21 this weekend, and asked to come visit me her for her birthday. So, with a reward ticket from daddy funding her travel, she's coming up here for the weekend.
The plan so far is to take her down to Loyola and check out the medical campus, have some deep dish pizza for lunch, wander around downtown afterwards, and then head back up to my neighborhood and just play the rest of the evening by ear. I think I'm starting to become a fairly comfortable tour guide, though I should probably brush up on my towers of Chicago in case she asks.
Monday, October 27, 2008
I love how some memories catch you by surprise... in such a pleasant way. I've really been trying to be better about bridging back friendships that may have not been on the forefront for a while. Last night was one of these successes, and I went to bed with a smile from ear to ear, warm fuzzys in my belly, and this poem in my heart:
HAD I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams
William B. Yeats
HAD I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams
William B. Yeats
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
windy
Just a little note.. it was crazy windy out on our nightly walk. I have a hard time hearing wind sometimes, but I had no problem in this case. Leaves all over, dusty was freaking out.
It won't be long before the weather turns nasty cold, but until it does, I'm loving every minute of this. I'm starting to get together a list of the forest preserves, and work on finding places to go hiking and walking on the weekends.
Grandma news is not encouraging at the moment, as she was admitted to the hospital overnight during the weekend, and released but sent home with portable oxygen tanks to use 24/7. She was also given 2 catheter bags to bypass her kidneys, alleviating some discomfort and allowing her to sleep through the night without getting up 4-5 times a night. Hopefully that'll add up to some more restful sleep.
It won't be long before the weather turns nasty cold, but until it does, I'm loving every minute of this. I'm starting to get together a list of the forest preserves, and work on finding places to go hiking and walking on the weekends.
Grandma news is not encouraging at the moment, as she was admitted to the hospital overnight during the weekend, and released but sent home with portable oxygen tanks to use 24/7. She was also given 2 catheter bags to bypass her kidneys, alleviating some discomfort and allowing her to sleep through the night without getting up 4-5 times a night. Hopefully that'll add up to some more restful sleep.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Affirming Change
Sometimes books, people, and events come into our lives with uncanny timing. I have had the book Anatomy of the Spirit on my shelf for a couple years, and have picked it up and started a few times. However, its message and action plan is really relevant for everything I am going through right now.
Some of the author's comments include people saying they think they were better off before they realized they were unhappy, because once you make this realization, you must do 1 of 2 things. You must either decide to not longer wish to be unhappy, and make things CHANGE. Or, you can change nothing, but because you are aware of your unhappiness, the same situations will hold no joy either. This is how I felt for a long time, and I really struggled with my loyalty to those I love, wanting to stick things out and never give up. However, I need to be loyal to myself too. And that meant realizing sometimes I can't fix everything. And that big scary C word is something that I needed to open my arms up to.
In a way, I am recovering in a lot of ways. Physically, the walking that is just part of life here really does help on a base level to adjust my moods, since physical activity is just good in general. I spend more time outside than I would if I was driving everywhere and not doing said walking. Image wise, I'm working on addressing my responses to stress and people pleasing, which is often to eat, even when I am not hungry. Just these two small awarenesses have shaved 2 years off my face, from what I have been told.
Now comes the acceptance that I AM a beautiful person, even if I don't feel I'm beautiful to some people. I need to work at staying healthy, which the exercise starts, as well as mental health too. All these things work together in tandem. Once you find your focus and your goal, addressing all of these things makes tweaks and changes that help to bring balance back. I've still got a long way to go, but I can at least take a deep breath and be OK with this path. Before last weekend, I was really feeling like I was just a victim in this situation, practically ran out of town because no one loved me enough to want to ask me to stay.
I know I have a strong desire to feel validated and wanted by other people. But, I am learning that if this is what I base my happiness on, I will ALWAYS be let down. What makes matters worse, this let down is often most painful the closer you are to people, and it can quickly turn into a cycle that makes you just shut down emotionally. I was on the verge of letting that happen to me. Now, I am aware and open to the idea of validating my life here, and doing it in a way that is embracing of me. I am here to love and take care of people... all people. I am here to give back in what ways I can, even if I don't receive a word of thanks. It is not my call whether some one is worthy or not of my compassion... for there's a reason our eyes are in our head and not in our heart.
Some of the author's comments include people saying they think they were better off before they realized they were unhappy, because once you make this realization, you must do 1 of 2 things. You must either decide to not longer wish to be unhappy, and make things CHANGE. Or, you can change nothing, but because you are aware of your unhappiness, the same situations will hold no joy either. This is how I felt for a long time, and I really struggled with my loyalty to those I love, wanting to stick things out and never give up. However, I need to be loyal to myself too. And that meant realizing sometimes I can't fix everything. And that big scary C word is something that I needed to open my arms up to.
In a way, I am recovering in a lot of ways. Physically, the walking that is just part of life here really does help on a base level to adjust my moods, since physical activity is just good in general. I spend more time outside than I would if I was driving everywhere and not doing said walking. Image wise, I'm working on addressing my responses to stress and people pleasing, which is often to eat, even when I am not hungry. Just these two small awarenesses have shaved 2 years off my face, from what I have been told.
Now comes the acceptance that I AM a beautiful person, even if I don't feel I'm beautiful to some people. I need to work at staying healthy, which the exercise starts, as well as mental health too. All these things work together in tandem. Once you find your focus and your goal, addressing all of these things makes tweaks and changes that help to bring balance back. I've still got a long way to go, but I can at least take a deep breath and be OK with this path. Before last weekend, I was really feeling like I was just a victim in this situation, practically ran out of town because no one loved me enough to want to ask me to stay.
I know I have a strong desire to feel validated and wanted by other people. But, I am learning that if this is what I base my happiness on, I will ALWAYS be let down. What makes matters worse, this let down is often most painful the closer you are to people, and it can quickly turn into a cycle that makes you just shut down emotionally. I was on the verge of letting that happen to me. Now, I am aware and open to the idea of validating my life here, and doing it in a way that is embracing of me. I am here to love and take care of people... all people. I am here to give back in what ways I can, even if I don't receive a word of thanks. It is not my call whether some one is worthy or not of my compassion... for there's a reason our eyes are in our head and not in our heart.
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