Miss you Gramma

I didn't realize how much I had really come to love my monthly roadtrips to MN until the main reason for them was taken out of my life. Miss you gramma, but so happy you are no longer in pain, and alone.

Coming back from the funeral was a big turning point for me, now that I have a month to look back on. I stopped living for work, for one. I get my butt outta the office by 5:30, and take a walk home along the lake. I get out of my place on the weekends and try to find someplace new to explore every week. And I make sure to give myself a break now and then, and just take it easy.

random stuff

Some guy was walking by me on the sidewalk earlier today. He was tucking back his jacket the same way people do in movies when they're giving the not so subtle hint they've got a gun holster on their hip, or they're showing a law badge. This guy... he was saying "Back off, I've got a Shiny Blue Walkman, YO!".

Its very windy today.

I had someone tell me today that I had so much positive energy that they felt they just had to stop me and talk to me. Turns out they were a massage therapist... we chitchatted for a sec, I gave me card, and the guy was having some issues with IL MT licensing laws and so I told him to check the website. When he walked away ... he said "the wind loves your smile".

Irish cream in coffee is more than my normal level of sweetness, but it is quite yummy at the moment.

The Ugly Truth was a good mindless 2 hours of easy laughs, but a few things got my attention. Blogging more about that somewhere else.

Its August 1. Happy early birthday, M. Your 18th surprise party will always be one of the most favorite I've thrown. I'll never forget the look of pure surprise, and how long we were able to keep you fooled.

I've started looking just about everyone in the eye and smiling as I've passed them on the sidewalk. Haven't really gotten many responses, but that's not why I'm doing it. And part of the problem in terms of responses is that I'm at the intersection of Broadway/Aldine/Halstead on Halstead Market Day. Enough said.

you never know

You never know what your interactions with other people mean to them.

I've been in my current building 6 months. My neighbor beneath me is infatuated with my dog, which overall is a tolerable thing since it means she doesn't get upset and the dog related noises that come from living on the 3rd floor above her.

She's in her 60's or 70's I'm not really sure. All of her family is dead, and she is always alone any time I see her. Today, she told me that she had breast cancer in the past, along with a mass in her uterus and so has had lumpectomies and a hysterectomy. Her cancer has come back. She is refusing chemo and radiation.

What was the point of her telling me all this?

She asked if I would spread her ashes somewhere in the natural wilderness that Dusty and I enjoy. Since I have to pass by her door every time i go up or down the stairs, we cross paths occasionally, and Dusty loves anyone who gives him genuine attention. This request came as a complete shock to me, but in a way it is a very humbling feeling. Living alone and being single... I have learned that what I really want in my life is a witness to my human experience. In most cases, you don't find someone willing to venture in your life journey to that degree unless they are a significant other. So, in most cases the two situations are linked together as causal.

This gave me a lot to think about as I walked 9 miles this afternoon.

25 miles and rockin!

I added up my pure exercise miles from last week - namely walking home from work every day last week, and then also a walk last Sun and a major walk yesterday. My total from Sun- Sat was 25.1 miles! I am so proud of myself. I have learned that in order to be able to stick to my goals, I need to make it something that is part of my daily routine. By walking home, I've also committed to leaving the office at a decent time. I am getting in a little earlier from time to time, but I know that the day will usually be over by about 6.

Now is the next step, to keep building off that. I am noticing that my time for the walk got slightly shorter by the time Friday rolled around. The next step will probably be strength training and exercises at home. Slowly but surely...

Insight

I did a little thinking why I've been feeling so emotional even with a good diet and lots of exercise. Then I realized that it was right after I got back from 4th of July in Chicago last year that I seriously considered the idea of moving here. It took from July to September to get all the pieces in place, but July was the month I started looking at apartments and jobs, and the 2nd weekend in August was when I went up for interviews and the peds in the weeds picnic. 3 weeks later, I was moving here for good.

I didn't know what to expect coming here, even after having moved two other times in two other states. This move has definitely taken the largest toll on me, both physically, emotionally, financially, and mentally. I've lived with things I never thought I could stand, and without things I once thought were necessities. I've learned I'm stronger than I think I am, even if I don't have all the answers or know what is coming next. All I know is I'll still be here despite it all.

the 4th

This year's 4th is light years different than last year. Last year, I was at a family bbq with friends, good food, beer, and my first ever fireworks.

This year... I went to a movie by myself, had a pita at the mall, and went to the used bookstore. The small local theatre by me reopened on Wed, and their movies are $5 including tax. Can't be that nowadays. I saw The Hangover, easy laughs without having to think too much.

I found it ironic after I got dressed that I'm wearing the same shirt as I did last year on this day. Same shirt, different ways the day played out.

Sad news.... my parents got home from their drive from MN to find one of our dogs had died outside between the time my sis left to go hiking and the time they got home a few hours later. Poor Amos :(

Catching up

Last week was one that I'll never forget. I still feel like I'm four steps behind everyone today, but the aching hole that we all felt on Friday and Saturday has been softened with family time, laughs, and good memories.

I will forever cherish Gramma's recipe books and baking pieces that hold so many memories. I don't even want to bake, I just want to read the recipes and see her in my mind.

Goodbye Gramma

Gramma passed away this morning at 12:30am.

The sun is coming up over the lake at the horizon, but the sky is bringing down the rain. This a pretty good way to describe how things feel right now.

I know better than to try and work myself through the day, so just going in to tie up loose ends, put in my notice for bereavement leave, then come home and pack. I need to also get some sleep before I drive 8 hrs... last night was negligible.

Achy Breaky Heart

So it seems I spoke too soon about getting a good night's sleep. I am wide wide awake with a brain that is churning and a heart that is feeling a little more broken than it has in the past.

About a week ago, I was reading through some of my first entries upon arriving in Chicago. It was nice to see that some things have changed, some of stayed the same, and some surprised me. Tonight my big question is why am I always the one who seems to have to let go .... it seemed like a betrayal to my own feelings to work at being genuinely happy that someone I love very much has found happiness, even if it is not with me. Even though I know that us together was not the healthiest thing for us both in the long term, it doesn't change how I feel. Even after all this time, and no consistent contact and now not seeing him for the longest time ever in 4 years, I miss the way he could make me smile about the smallest things, or coming home and just knowing that he'd thought about me during the day.

I have been working really hard on figuring myself out. I've gotten over the job hurdle and what I really want my work/life balance to look like. I've started holding myself accountable again for my health and exercise. I've made conscious efforts to make new friends, even if as I make them they are having to turn into virtual friends. I've had to work on healing the broken heart that was ripped apart by my final decision to leave, and then having to piece it back together on my own.

I am not a person who loves lightly. It takes a strong friendship first before I even become interested, and that means that I become emotionally invested. It would probably also explain the friendships that remain after the slow transition of relationships is completed.

Just sometimes... there are nights like this where the bed just seems too big. Where all I would love is just the comfortable companionship of going about your day knowing that at least one person just can't wait to talk to you.... just to hear your voice.

Blissful Sunshine

I just added up my miles for today - a little over 8.5 Miles!!! Whee. No wonder my feet hurt just a little bit, since I was wearing my Teva sandals instead of tennis shoes.

It feels good to have soaked up some high quality sunshine. Today was in the low 70's for a high, but not a cloud in sight. Did some mini golf, loads and loads of walking, and now I am just content to sit and relax for the rest of the evening. I am going to sleep GOOD tonight!

Comiskey Field ... not

Got my first taste of the previously known as Comiskey field today for an attempt at a White Sox game. The game was delayed out due to rain, but definitely still worth the trip for the good company and atmosphere. I was hearing a lot from folks more familiar with both Wrigley and Comiskey that the renaming took the $68 million from US Cellular and put it all back into the stadium for updates and repairs. That was cool to hear. I'll have to get a Wrigley experience in soon to make my own comparison.

In other news... the "Swine Flu" has hit my office. A coworker (HR won't release a name, but I've got my guess) has been officially diagnosed, and it's still business as usual with the sick folk out recovering and heightened sanitary reminders in place. Gotta love germ phobia.

Moment of Truth

With all the stress of extra work lately, I have not been as diligent about what I have been putting in my mouth as I know I should be. I've managed to keep up a decent amount of exercise between not having the car and taking 3-5 mile walks on the weekend days. But, the emotional strings are getting tugged a little more often lately, and that is especially when I know I have a tendency to just eat for the sake of having something to *do*.

So I'm back on Weight Watchers before it really becomes an issue. Having the points and portions reminder is what has worked for me in past. So there, I've committed myself somewhere other than my brain.

and on a completely seperate note, it is soooo obvious when romantic movies are directed by a woman. The Wedding Date is on right now, and its the small things like panning the camera with them rubbing feet while otherwise occupied. I looked on IMDB because I wasn't 100% sure, but I was right!

Healing

May 22 came and went this year without as much anguish as previous years. RIP Sam I am.

As I told a dear dear friend about 2 months ago, I'll forgive myself one day. For now, I'm not continuing to inflict more guilt. Dusty has been my saviour and my salve in so many ways...

Season Mixup

I just shut the windows, pulled on my snuggle socks, and made some tea. Oh, and then I looked at the calendar and saw that it says June. Anyone from AZ still unmelted?

Calm after the storm

I had a friend from AZ visiting last week, so any spare time I had immediately disappeared, including time to update the good ol' blog. One of our places we hit was Navy Pier and Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. I do not have a seafood friend in Chicago, so it was very nice to each eat nearly a pound of shrimp! Yum!!!

Good news, gramma is doing OK. She's still needing help strength wise to stand up and walk, but she seems to be comfortable in the nursing home and relatively pain free. I am waiting for my cash flow to build back up again so I can see about making another road trip out either at the end of June or beginning of July. My only worry is that rental cars continue to get more expensive as the summer goes on. Hopefully Hertz is realizing I may become a frequent customer and is willing to cut me a deal.