No Baking :(

I'm sick. Like leaving work early because I don't want to get sick on my way home on the bus sick. I know better than to spread the germs in cupcakes.

*crawls back into bed*

Holiday Sweets

I'm going to be making some red velvet cupcakes and sugar cookies tomorrow night.. I am looking forward to it!!

I needed to find a good cream cheese recipe for frosting, and get a little more practice with frosting in general. One of my favorite cookies is a molasses cookie with frosting in between the pieces, and I want them to be spectacular before I feed them to any guinea pigs.

Good Intentions

this song sums up my life right now..

Song: GOOD INTENTIONS
by: Toad the Wet Sprocket

Its hard to rely on my good intentions
When my heads full of things that I cant mention
Seems I usually get things right
But I cant understand what I did last night

Its hard to rely on my own good senses
When I miss so much that requires attention
Have to laugh at myself sometimes
And I can see that Im not blind

Theres little relief
Give us reprieve
For all the things Ive left behind
Im positive that Im not blind

Im not afraid things wont get better
But it feels like this has gone on forever
You have to cry with your own blue tears
Have to laugh with your own good cheer

Its hard to rely on my good intentions
When my heads full of things that I cant mention
Seems I usually get things right
But I cant understand what I did last night

Theres little relief
Give us reprieve
Imagining the world outside
Im positive that Im not blind

I cant be hard on you
cause you know Ive been there too
Learned a lot of things from you

But life gives little relief
Give us reprieve
And when everyone is cold as ice
I clinch my fists and close my eyes
Imagining the world outside
But I can see that Im not blind

Piano... Maybe!

There's a small, independently owned music/instrument store down the street. I walked by it last night and nearly got giddy seeing all the sheet Music. I used to buy sheet music the way some people buy DVDS or CDs. I've probably spent over $1500 on sheet music in my music endeavors, including professional discounts I recieved when I bought them. I sent an email to the shop to ask about possibly renting the instruction room for practice time, in exchange for either a nominal fee or being willing to help with lessons.

I am almost too excited about this. It has been years since I've had steady access to a *true* piano, and there are some days I really miss the outlet. I am also hoping if I can brush up, then I can try getting back into the wedding industry here. That would be the quickest way for me to net some extra cash, with the smallest time constraints but also more flexibility.

*crosses fingers*

SUNSHINE!!

So 50 degrees + SUNSHINE = I'm going to truly enjoy this day. Cleaned up a little around the house, then it'll be take Dusty out, and then I think I'm going to spend some time walking around, see where I end up. I've got my book, a little spare cash to cover a coffee and some lunch, and mostly just relax. I'll deal with Real Life tomorrow.

I haven't written anything deep in a while. Its been tough to try and figure out where to start. How to grapple with this tangible ... emptiness. I've been lonely and lived alone before for several years, I knew what to expect there.

This is the first time it seems I'm really having to separate myself from everyone I care about.

I am a very intense person. It makes things difficult at times. I throw myself into just about everything I do, and it can and does catch people off guard. I've gotten better at massively chilling out, at least in my outward interactions. But it doesn't stop the thought processes, and it makes me infuriatingly impatient sometimes that I can't seem to find anyone in my current circles who shares this trait, if only to understand where I was coming from.

The nightmare flashbacks have come back. I can't escape; even if I wake up, I know how it ends. The amount of detail and clarity, even after all these years makes it feel like that day is replaying itself over and over again. I don't know what brought it on or how to stop it. It is a burning hole in my heart I will carry for the rest of my life. Its hard to think about how someday someone new I love would react if they knew the truth.

Twilight

I've read all 4 books, and yes, I'm a fan. Feels kinda weird to be "one of the girls", finally. I was reading the books on loan from a friend, and so gave her back the first 3 after I finished them, and I've been rereading the 4th every day for the last week.

I checked out the Chicago Public Library online to see about snagging the other books to read again. I am astounded. For JUST the 3rd book, CPL has 160 + copies ( I counted!) and every. single. one. is either checked out, on hold, or in intralibrary transit.

Does this mean I'm doomed to actually be productive again? I was so enjoying losing myself in a book the way I did before I began college and my reading turned to having to read 200-300 pgs a week of textbooks. It took 3 years after graduating from ASU and then a 6 month break from Grad School for this love of pleasure reading to return. It makes up for the double loss of no piano. I can't have everything, I know.

Heat Wave!

We've finally broken above the 20F mark again, it feels so warm and gorgeous! I bundled up just in case, but Dusty and I spent about an hour on a walk through Loyola park/Beach.

The park was empty, except for dogs and their humans. I was really surprised! This is one of the nicest days we've had in a month!!!

Lovely Rita Meter Maid

This is what happens when you don't pay the lovely meter maid here in Chicago. I've already had my own run in with the orange ghost of darkness. The leeches make quite a fortune off of parking violations/fines, not to mention the actual meters themselves.

Flabbergasted

So I got to spend a lovely few minutes on the phone with the gas company after it appears my first attempt to connect service a week ago did not take.

I was told that someone needed to come out to "turn on the gas". I go over to the stove, turn the handle all the way to the right, and watch as bright orange flames try to set my sleeve on far, and almost succeeding. I proceeded to ask why it was really necessary if I was already getting service and they have all my info.

Grrr. I wonder if I have fire gnomes that are inside my oven then, if they're "positive" my service is turned off. Gotta love the city.

The Beaches of Cabo

Just a few more shots - I've got probably 150 pictures on a camera a friend lent me, but the USB cable doesn't seem to fit the camera. So, it'll be a week or so before I'm able to get these ones off too.



I can't wait until Friday!!! My dad is coming into town for the weekend for a conference, so I took the day off. In the morning, I'm going for a massage - one of the perks of my job is access to free or nearly free massages, and this time is no exception! I love it when they tell you to be early so you have time to put on your robe and sandals. It will really be a relaxing morning, and after all the moving my muscles are screaming.

Game Fun!

I am a huge sucker for traditional board/card/group games. I was invited to a game night by an awesome coworker. I was a little intimidated when i walked in, as we ended up with a group of 15 people and I knew a grand total of .... 2. But, even though I had trouble following along with all the conversations, and we played catch phrase which is not an easy game for me, I stuck it out for 3 hours, and had a good time. I finally had to call it at night at 1am. It had taken me an hour and a half to drive out to the suburbs to the hangout, and I was worried it would take me that long to get back. I was given some new directions, and was able to get home in an hour instead. So, of course its 2:30 in the morning as I am still winding down after having to do dog duty once I got back.

The first load of things has been taken over to the new place and put in their new locations. The bed has been half made, and is just needing the comforter/blankets. I've put up the shower curtain, put away the baking/pans, and filled the linen closet. And filled the ice cube trays. I need to remember to water the plant that got left behind before it dies on me!

The Keys are Mine!

I picked up the keys for my new place on Saturday, but the lovely January weather is dumping snow left and right, and keeping it here with sub zero temperatures. This is why I got the keys early, but it is so frustrating to be kept from just making the move quickly. I can't even get out to get boxes so I can pack.

*Takes a deep breath, and goes for the wine*


Some pictures of the new place - and 95% of the furniture in the pictures I scored off the guy moving out. So this is a rather accurate representation of what my apartment looks like at this very moment.

Lonely

Some people will never learn the true meaning of this word. I count them lucky. Something I can't shake tonight ... and it doesn't feel like other times. The pictures in my head at night don't have solid faces anymore ... they're just blurry, and there's no voices spoken.

All I ever remember now is that the air always felt like mist, and when I put my hand out, the drops fall away and I'm left standing in my shadow. Even the drops falling on rocks make no sound, and then I wake up.

More details about the trip will come later, but I wanted to sit and just get a few thoughts out as I'm working on getting myself through a down mood. Its starting to slowly get easier each time, and I rely less on having to call or find someone to talk to. I'm learning the things that will help me pass the time, especially those that do not involve clocks in any way.

I love Mexico for its skies along the beach. I've never seen as many star showers as I do there, and being on the cruise ship, at night I'd just look out at the stars, and remember how big the sky can feel. I love being on the 9th floor of our building at work and away from downtown. The extra distance allows me to see virtually all of Chicagoland from our office windows, and Lake Michigan as well. I will be glad to have the apartment with the water view!

One of my favorite pictures from Cabo San Lucas, as I only have the USB cord for one of the 2 cameras I took with me.