For the last month or so ... pieces of my life from the last decade have started to intersect my current life. I'm not actively seeking them in any way, but I find myself surrounded by them. There's really not a way right now to avoid them without changing my patterns.  I didn't do anything to set this occurrence to start, so I'm hesitant to just skip out. 

I've done a pretty good job of avoiding the biological clock with my female friends. My current life resembles theirs in no way. My plans and activities don't even have the same palette of choices, so it makes wishful thinking kind of moot. 

But these pieces are making the "What If" part of my brain think. And ache a little. What if that high school sweetheart had stayed around... would the  married with a baby life he's  talking about have me in it instead? I'm glad we're sort of casual friends now, but I keep our topics on safe things. Its not his fault life took him somewhere else.. I just wish wish the salt wasn't going in the wound too.  But no real way to tactfully address this as all the talk is in mixed company. 

I can feel the beginning signs of SADD. I am just wanting to come home and shut away from the world... at the same time I want people to reach out to ME. To have my phone or email or even IM go off just once in a while... someone out there telling me I crossed their mind. I know how it feels to want that and so I try to initiate it myself too. 

I wrote Matt and Rebecca each a christmas Card. and as much as I want to send it .... something is keeping me from putting the stamp on them. Maybe its because I want him to have to remember that I'm here. That as much as he tries to pretend that I never touched his life.. he and Rebecca both touched mine. And I will never be the same... for good or bad. 

But what good would come out of that? He's had my number.. he has my email address. Since the text message he sent on the 1 year anniversary of leaving from Kentucky, there has been absolute silence, of every kind. So I think I know that this card would just be wishful thinking... I'd be watching the mailbox for days hoping something might come in return. And deep down... knowing it never will. 

New Apartment!

No pictures at the moment, but I'm moving. Again. Just across the city line into Evanston.

More than anything with this particular move, I feel like I found a HOME. I was standing in the apartment, which is on the second floor in an older house that has been converted into a quadplex.

I appreciate the small things. Simply having a separate bedroom is fantastic beyond words.

The closets don't have doors, but I can come up with curtains, or maybe use this as a chance to make my own.

I want to hang up my art pieces, and feel the liberty of having non white walls. I was given the OK to pick a paint color! Whoo!!

Since I don't have to put down a security deposit, I am hopefully going to use my bonus and tax return to pay some bills down, but also get a nice couch. Doesn't neccessarily have to be brand new, but the one I have now just isn't really the comfortable, don't want to have to move it if I can avoid it.

Daylight Savings

Due to the shift back... I now see the twilight on my walk home. Snapped these as I was walking along the beach, as always...

Sunnier Places

With all the gloom and doom in Chicago this week... I'm thinking of sunnier places.

At the moment, I'd rather be here.....

Familiar Faces

I tend to take the 6:53am bus or the 7:12am bus to work. After a while, I started to recognize the drivers, and some of the frequent passengers on each route. 

I recognize the workers at Jamba Juice, and the one who remembers my name even though I only come in about once a month. 

The cashier at 7-11 says good morning and smiles just a little when I come into the store for my coffee. I smile back... and he's usually got my order almost rung up before I get to the counter. He is usually just checking to see whether I added any bottled water or juice to my coffee and breakfast choice. 

Sonny's recognizes me if its the owner of the store... I'm usually running in for either extra butter or dairy I don't normally keep on hand but need for banking, or to hit the ATM. He asks me what I'm baking now. 

The facilities guy at our office building is usually unlocking the swivel doors about the time I get there. Sometimes we cross the street together if he's gone across for a newspaper. 

I wonder if they ever notice me too... 

Music in words

Guy De Maupassant is genius. No one seems to write they way they used to, back in the 1800's.

An excerpt from Solitude, which is one of my favorite of his short stories:

“Do you know of anything more horrifying than this constant close contact with people that we can’t know? We love one another as if we were bound together by chains, we’re close, but we stretch our arms out and we can’t touch. We’re in the grip of a tortuous need of union, but our efforts are sterile, our pleasures useless, our secrets bear no fruit, our grasps impotent, our caresses in vain. When we want to get together, we just hurtle toward another person and then collide.“

I never feel as alone as I do when I bare my soul to some friend, because it’s then that I best understand the unbreakable barrier. There he is, a man; I see that his eyes are looking at me; but his soul, behind those eyes, I don’t have the slightest notion of it. He listens. What is he thinking? Do you understand this torment? Maybe he hates me. Or feels contempt for me, or is laughing at me? He’s thinking about what I say, he judges me, he’s scoffing at me, he condemns me, he decides I’m mediocre, or stupid. What’s he thinking? If I like him, does he like me? Just what’s going on in that little round head? The thoughts of someone else are so mysterious, those hidden thoughts. They’re free; they’re thoughts we can never know, never control, never dominate, never conquer!“

And me, as much as I’d love to give of myself entirely, open all the doors of my being, I can’t. In the deepest part of my soul, there’s a section that no one can ever know. No one can ever discover it, no one can get inside, because no one is like me, because no one understands anyone.

I have an 1892 Printed dated, leather bound book of his 10 volumes of short stories. I think this book is one of the most tangible full sensory experiences I have ever head. It intrigues every sense when I pick up and read these stories.

My thoughts Exactly

Vacation in review

I am still holding off on going through my pictures... I want to savor the memories and sometimes doing the editing right away, you remember taking the photo, and so do not explore it as you should.


I've had a lot of things to make me smile the last couple days. Some were in places that caught me off guard. Sometimes those are the best kind.

And I've found myself starting to spell things with the Canadian/English connotations instead of the American. I think it looks prettier too.

Beach Day!

It blew my mind that on such a gorgeous day, I had the pebble/rock beach to myself.

Day 1: Hiking!

The original forecast called for rain for most if not all of my trip. How pleasantly suprised I am to not see a single drop as of yet. I know better than to take it for granted, so today didn't any of the things I contemplated yesterday.

I drove across Lion's Gate Bridge and went to Lighthouse Park in West Vancouver, and then the other direction to Lynn Canyon. I was so glad to be back on a *true* trail, and I decided to hit these places today before the weekend crowd came and it was packed. Both parks had minimal visitors, so I was able to amble around at my own pace and look in every nook and cranny as I usually do.

In both places I found a rock and just chilled. In Lighthouse Park, it was on the edge of East Beach, overlooking Downtown Vancouver, UBC/Endowment Lands, and the Lions Gate Bridge. At Lynn Canyon I found a rock in the middle of the river.

Best of all.. stopped for lunch at Port Royal. There was a cupcake shop in the shopping plaza, and they had candles! I had a red velvet cupcake with a red candle. Happy Birthday to me!

On Vacation

I am really learning how much I savor my independence. I've definitely lost a lot of my inhibitions about exploring new things.

Tonight, I walked about 7.6 km just around the downtown area, parts of gastown, and then out in the West End towards Stanley park. I have a semi-budget and I didn't want to blow all my money eating out every night without researching first. Tonight I wanted to just relax after I got out since I am currently running on about 1.5 hours of sleep for the last 48 hours. Plus work. Plus travel.

I bought a Malbec and stopped into a local deli for some goat cheese and a fresh baguette loaf. Best Dinner. Ever. Turned on some Simpsons. I am so easy to please!

I was originally planning to go to UBC tomorrow, but I remembered back from my grad days no one is ever on campus on Fridays(at least faculty/grad students) and if they are, they're seriously trying to get work done instead of answer questions from me after they didn't respond to my emails. So I think I will bump that to Monday instead. I am debating whether to do Stanley park tomorrow, or do the drive to Squamish via Lynn Canyon and the Sea to Sky Highway. part of that will depend on how plans firm up for Saturday/Sunday. I am definitely looking forward!!!! My black dress is to DIE for. I love putting it on.

I am glad I know what I need to REALLY take time and relax. I have made myself dress up for the evenings when I go out, even if I'm just wandering. It meant packing a little more, but there's just a different feeling not being so grungy. Chicago has definitely had a positive affect on my fashion sense, whether I want to admit it or not.

Checklist

Bed Flop Face first... Check.

Bubble Bath... Check

Big Fluffy towel.... Check

Favorite CD of the moment playing .... triple check.

Yep. I'm on Vacation!!!!!!

1 Year

Today is my one year anniversary of leaving for Chicago.

The last nail in the coffin hit today. My heart is sad. It really sucks to see that adults 20 years older than me can't actually act like adults and be grown-up about relationships. I don't always believe it .. but I need to continue to surround myself instead with people who can handle relationships with a mediocre level of maturity


As a friend said... Happy Independence Day. I wonder if the occasion warrants fireworks or not.

A Nice Surprise

I spent the afternoon at my first ever Cubs Game! My boss came into my office around lunch time, and asked if I was really busy. I first I was thinking to myself, is she really that obtuse? I KNOW she knows we're busy. So I give the noncomittal "Its working but its under control". Then she puts a piece of paper in my hand and says she'll be driving and that she's leaving in about 30 minutes.

When I look down, the paper is a tickets for the Chicago Cubs Game. That starts in one hour! Whoa!!!!

The picture was taken with my phone from where I was sitting. We were guests of Aon, since the insurance provider for our members was having their yearly (or something frequently) meeting, and had taken out the directors and other directly involved with the insurance process. It was an absolutely fantastic, completely unexpected surprise. I told my boss thank you for thinking of me.

And now its time to make snickerdoodles, because I get to see LAUREN!!!!! She's in town for the weekend and my anam cara and a group of us are meeting up for dinner tomorrow night. I will NOT forget my camera.

Flying Ducks and other news

Some things can only happen to me, apparently!

Great example. I was walking home one day last week, and discovered one of the dozens of nursing homes in my area has a pet duck. I was made aware of this fact as I was walking past/below their 2nd floor patio, where the duck has a coop in the corner. He must have thought Lake Michigan looked more appealing than his little pond. Who can blame him? He was trying to make an escape as I was directly underneath. My head was in the way as he teetered then came over the fence towards the ground. Eeek!

I was a little startled to say the least, and a few staff people came rushing down to corral him back inside. It happened so quickly it felt like one of those half surreal moments that you couldn't have dreamed up if you tried. Then I put my ipod on the Beatles to regain my sesnses to 8 Days a Week.