Windy City Memories

Breaking Radio Silence

2011-12-12T07:56:00.000-06:00

What a long couple of months.

I'm still alive.

And somehow strangely, despite all the events that I've not spilled out into the public space called The Internet, this year is ending on a high note.

I will have to do some updating later today.

Breaking Radio Silence

2011-09-10T11:20:00.000-05:00

It's been a little while since I've written. There's some big changes in my life right now that just aren't appropriate for public space, and so I've refrained from writing for a while since it was simply not a good idea.

Fall has come. I've already pulled out my Fuzzy socks and put them on my feet, curled up in a blanket, and read till I fell asleep. Happy September!

Mailbox

2011-08-05T09:46:00.000-05:00

Monday morning, I was leaving my house and I was looking at the mailboxes as we were walking out the building.

Most mailboxes were either blank for empty apartments, or they had the names typed on a label that fit in the indented space on the mailbox.

And then there was mine. A ripped off edge of an envelope, with my last name written in Purple in letters three times the size of the others.

And you know what... it's a great reflection of me. I'm memorable.. whether its just a mailbox or out in life. And I'm sure to get my mail!

Hiking Adventure Challenge!

2011-07-30T13:21:00.000-05:00

I have taken on a new challenge to complete every hike in Ted Villaire's 60 Hikes within 60 Miles of Chicago. I've emailed Ted about my challenge and my commitment to blog his book and the trails. He was gracious enough to have his publisher send me a copy of the book to help me along in this. Thanks TED!

One of the things I am most excited about was that in emailing with Ted, I discovered that he does not have a car either! Lack of transportation has been my biggest supposed hurdle in getting outside of the city limits. In his book, if there are public transportation options available, they have been included on the directions to get to the trail. SWEET!

Ted's website is here: http://www.tedvillaire.com/

Book information and details to purchase here: http://www.tedvillaire.com/60-hikes-within-60-miles-chicago/

Last Sunday I had planned do to trail #12 in the book, the Lake Katherine Trail. 2 hiccups occured. The first was the weather forecast - heavy thunderstorms before 10am, and my friend S and I were going to be smack in the middle of the trail.

The second was the transportation options. In the book, it was said to take a PACE bus route from Midway to the site. I was going to have a ride there, so just needed a way to get home. When I looked up the route for the time table, it turns out it doesn't run on Sundays. GOOD TO KNOW! This is a M-Saturday trail only if taking that transportation route. There is a metra station nearby that I looked into as an alternate. The Metra station is also only M-Saturday.

Now I know.. to complete this trail it will need to be on a day other than Sunday. I'll be selecting another trail to do this weekend. Stay tuned!

Quiet Place

2011-07-30T11:25:00.001-05:00

Landmark Education - Advanced Course

2011-07-21T12:18:00.003-05:00

Where to begin...

I felt a little more relaxed walking into the Advanced Course having spent the weekend in the Landmark Forum which is set up in similar time style. 12-13 hour days,and now I know the break structure and that it is in fact possible to make it through the weekend.

We started off in a MUCH smaller group than the Forum - down to a quarter of the size. There were some familiar faces from my March Forum, and also from my Integrity Seminar.

Walking in, I knew the things that I was struggling with since the Forum that wouldn't quite willingly take the back seat. I was still very very angry, upset, and emotionally invested in the fact that I could not obtain my Boat Crew certification with the USCG Auxiliary that I so desperately wanted. It has been a difficult summer in that respect since I am trying other activities within the Auxiliary and before I even begin I'm writing them off because they're not what I really want to be doing.

The Advanced Course takes 3 main missions that are the structure for the conversations within the course. One of those is true Mastery of Reality. This is what sunk in with claws and never let go. This came up for me on the tail end of Friday, and continued thru Saturday and Sunday.

At the end of Saturday, I had really really come face to face with this resentment I had. And I had a choice. I had the choice to accept that this story of what was happening was adding to my inability to move forward and to accept it as it was - nothing more, nothing less.

Looking back, Of course I wasn't feeling empowered and able to inspire people. I was attempting to do that (or so I thought) and on the complete opposite end of the spectrum I had made myself out to be the victim of something beyond my control. This dichotomy was completely ruining my ability to be effective.

The moment that has changed my life forever came Sunday afternoon, just before our dinner break. The conversation had started to talk about the power of language in our shaping of the world, and our relationship to other people. I felt moved to speak and got up to share.

I shared with the group a lesser known fact of the suicide rate of deaf male teens in their college years, and the source of that suicide rate. Being deaf puts an entirely different meaning on the power of word and language.

When you have sign language, it is only effective when you have others who can speak the same language. This is not the case for the large majority of the world. When you spend your day in and day out existence in a world that you can't communicate with, your sense of existence deteriorates. You feel invisible when you look out and you see a world talking back and forth with each other and interacting. You see this and when you try to reach out and capture it, you are either ignored or left confused because you lack the pieces of the puzzle to provide meaning to the exchange.

I took my hearing aid out to give a visual representation to the group. A Black and White, Language and No Language world. I explained how when it didn't work,I feel like all of the sudden I have no meaning in my life to communicate and share myself, and my ideas.

I had no idea my sharing of this would move so many people. I had the instructors of the course telling me that it had left them speechless. We left for our meal break and I had felt like I was having an out of body experience - I couldn't feel my hands, feet, and they were tingling. My brain was just quietly frozen, sounds passing before me but a sense of subtle disattachment.

People would come up to me and address me and thank me. It blew me away that being me, EXACTLY AS I AM, no more and no less, was able to provide this breakthrough connection for people. If I had been more deaf, I would not have the ability to function at the level I do and even be in the space. If I was less deaf, I wouldn't have had the issues that made me feel so strongly about this.

When we had our Tuesday night session that was open to past graduates and guests, I shared a summary. I shared a summary that I walked in with my condition of being hearing the something that the biggest obstacle in my way to being empowered and making a difference in people's lives. I shared the point where I had the realization that in fact my burden was actually a blessing beyong belief. And how it had felt to have that realization, to speak it into the world and give it intention and a declaration that I AM AMY AND I AM ME.

I am signed up for the Self Expression and Leadership course that begins in August and part of this course is to take on a project. Not only am I taking on a project, but I think I have found that BIG PROBLEM that is worth dedicating my life for. Something that will impact my life every day for as long as I live. Something that gives me passion beyond anything I thought I was capable of containing.

I didn't get my life back through Landmark Forum. I got a new life that is capable of anything.

I'm still alive, I promise

2011-07-20T14:33:00.003-05:00

Lots been going on, in a good way.

I'm officially a graduate of the Landmark Education Advanced Course, which is part 3 of the Curriculum for Living. LOTS LOTS LOTS to say about that. I need more down time to do so!

but for now... here is a pretty view... take time to stop and smell the flowers. Even when they are on the other side of a chain link fence in a gravel parking lot.

Enjoy!

So.. that thing

2011-07-08T15:10:00.000-05:00

So .. you know that thing.

Where you have someone to make you breakfast. Or dinner. Or barter in exchange for doing the dishes.

Someone to give you a shoulder rub just because.

Someone who says its absolutely not at all a hassle to pick me up from the train so we can spend time together.

Someone whose love of ice cubes in water may in fact surpass my own.

Someone who can kick back a salad one day, shake and burger another, sushi yet another, and homemade mexican to round it off. And above all loves COSTCO!!

Oh. And someone whose toes I can make curl if I hit some spots exactly right.

Yea... That. I've got it. It feels REALLY REALLY GOOD. *does a happy monkie dance*

off the ground!

2011-07-03T21:41:00.003-05:00

Today I had my first for hire ceremony...

Mexican weddings are a lot of crazy fun. The bride and groom showed up 2 hours later than the time they had told me they'd be getting there.. which left us about 10 minutes trying to coordinate all the last minute details before getting the wedding started.

But those who know me.. things start on time if I have any say. and I did. We started at 5:31 - for weddings that is a darn good accomplishment.

Oh. and I guess this is news.. I now have cats. Yes.. 2. and NO! I'm not turning into crazy cat lady. I promise.

Power

2011-06-22T07:35:00.003-05:00

I have this on a sticky note on my work computer:

"POWER: The Ability to Translate Intention Into Results"

I was just given this definition of power yesterday and it has been on the forefront of my mind since then. I used to think I was in a power struggle with my boss, but the kind of power I thought we were wrestling over was nothing like this.

This is the kind of power that actually gets things done.

This is what EMPOWERMENT is focused around. This is what I want to give to the people in my life.

Culture Shock

2011-06-19T20:58:00.003-05:00

I've been back to Arizona numerous times since moving away, but today was the first time in Arizona where I have really interacted with a variety of folks and felt the urban vs suburban culture shock.

Housing Prices. I pay for my 1 bedroom apartment what a good friend pays for the mortgage of a 5 bedroom, 3 bath, BRAND NEW, model 3,000 square foot house. The garage on the house was about 85% the size of my apartment.

Lifestyles.

Distances traveled for work/ commute times/commute methods.

Sheer Diversity in the population around us.

I feel like I owe it to my future kids to expose them to as much as possible about the amazing thing that is the human race, and I just personally do not see Arizona as the place where I can in full confidence do that.

So Phoenix. the heat has been absolutely wonderful. Being in the pool, heavenly. But you'll have to be a memory I carry with me forever, not a place to come back to.

Making Promises

2011-06-15T09:17:00.002-05:00

For a long time, I always said I would only make promises I could keep. We know the things we can "keep" based on our current expectations and constraints, with no extra effort required.

I was challenged this week to instead ... MAKE MORE PROMISES!

If you are committed to living a life that is true to yourself, and you can honor your word and your commitments which align with the "to thine own self be true" mentality... then not making promises is a copout.

An excuse to hide behind instead of embracing a chance to challenge yourself and actually make an effort at living a life that is unreasonable but one that is absolutely yours.

I want to be someone who can be counted on, who can make a difference. In order to make a difference, you have to shake up the status quo.

And that begins with the only person who's state of being I have control over: Me.

Integrity

2011-06-14T09:21:00.002-05:00

When I completed the Landmark Forum, one of the biggest ways this played out in my work life IMMEDIATELY was agreeing to play the rules of the "game" of being an employee at my office.

I started my Landmark Education Seminar Series Integrity: The Bottom Line last night, and it was a very quick re-awakening to how much diligence it takes to keep this idea and concept on the forefront of your mind. To realize you choose the decision, every hour, every moment, to play the game or not.

Part of the agreement for taking the course over the summer was the promise to not engage in gossip of any kind. I have prided myself on being, in my eyes, relatively gossip free. Oh, what a humble realization that was last night. The way it was described was "do not talk or complain about things to anyone other than someone who can do something about it". Gossip doesn't just mean talking about stranger celebrities, or people you mutually know others. It is the water cooler talk, its complaining about something with no intent to use that discourse to impact the situation in a positive way somehow.

Goodbye water cooler...

Drive By Gardening!

2011-06-10T16:18:00.002-05:00

Since I don't have a dedicated balcony and the window ledges are not safe from furry creatures, I've no resort left other than enjoying the fruits of other's green thumbs.

The prize this week is hands down my favorite flower of all time, and in one of my favorite color combinations.

I need to get back into the more semi daily swing of updates. It has been an interesting few weeks, notably my time doing vessel safety checks with the Auxiliary.

Up next.. AZ Visit! The Family! My Dusty mop!!

One more day

2011-05-23T23:33:00.001-05:00

Don't fear the future you don't know.

The past you do no longer holds the lessons... you've learned their secrets.

Distance and forward can be misleading... you don't have to be moving to go round in circles.

Everything has a circumference.

New Venture!

2011-05-22T01:07:00.003-05:00

I am an ordained minister and I have decided to make a little more formal effort to make this public knowledge in a twofold mission: 1) provide quality, memorable, and affordable officiant services to the Chicagoland bridal pool and 2) to learn more about and be inspired daily by the different cultures and ways that committment, love, and promise can be communicated.

The website is not together yet but I am going by "A Ceremony Your Way". I think it is concise, and describes the niche and market I want to take without any extra clarification needed.

This should be fun!

Latching Vs Dancing

2011-05-19T09:48:00.004-05:00

Landmark is amazing. I am by no means an expert but I love how it is stretching me, growing me. It gave me a new circle of people to help mirror my actions and thoughts back at me. Give me the honesty you need to hear in order to decide what you want your world and your future to hold.

I was struggling with some decisions about dating and choices and "What Am I Looking For? Why am I doing this?"

Along the way.. I got a little selfish and got sidetracked. I know I am a pretty unique personality and a great catch for the right person. It has been a new experience for me to be at the center of someone else's relatively undivided attention. Or at least future potential undivided attention. And it felt nice. REALLY nice.

Annnnd trying to do whatever I could to keep that feeling coming instead of remembering the big picture and my goal to broaden my network here Chicago bit me in the ass.

Now I'm aware and caught that thought pattern. Now to work on keeping things what they are, and not what I am tranposing on top of events. It is a moment by moment effort.

and I absolutely love this picture.

* by Sergey Lekomtsev

In my thoughts

2011-05-15T11:34:00.003-05:00

My sister has been in Tanzania for the last year.

Starting earlier this week, she's not doing so well right now and she's been on my mind even more so than normal.

So Elizabeth... get better soon. We are all rooting for you and wish would could be there to keep you company. Know you are loved... even my cat Charlie says hello and get better.

This picture is from when I was in town for Beth's graduation party before she left for Africa.

Can't wait to see you again!!

Voice in my head

2011-05-11T11:59:00.002-05:00

There's a voice in my head that I can't seem to shake. Even when I have all the noises around me.. actually, even more so when I have my hearing aid out and it is dead quiet.

I hear this voice echoing around in my head.

It whispers in my ear...

Walk with my Dad

2011-05-08T22:35:00.003-05:00

Time with mom is precious.. time with Dad is Priceless.

We took a walk, just us, to Illahee Dock. I will really miss my dad when we go our ways.

No more words are needed.

Heard at Breakfast

2011-05-07T12:06:00.003-05:00

Mom: I need to go print something, and use the bathroom.

Dad: Don't do both at the same time.

Later.....

Ring Ring Ring.

Dad: "Whats the matter, honey? Did you fall into the toilet? I told you not to do both at the same time. "

My parents are quickly becoming good entertainment.

It appears dad forgot JC The Donkey. Perhaps this is for the best.

Seattle!

2011-05-06T22:15:00.003-05:00

I am spending the next few days in the Pacific Northwest. Oh how I have missed traveling.

It makes for long days, and there is the overpriced airport food, screaming kids, stiff chairs.

But it is a change of scene and a world you can immerse yourself in. A world where you see your life hitting a wall and breaking into others.

I am here primarily for some extremely long time coming family time. I had originally planned to rent a car and hit up Vancouver as I mentioned earlier. There was a small twinge when I got off the plane and realized how relatively close I am to several groups of friends I would love to see. It is only a few hours to Portland, only a few hours to Vancouver. Alas... it is not for this time.

But!

I am going to do everything in my power to spend Monday and the Museum of Flight. My mom goes back home Sunday afternoon, and so I think that I should be able to talk my dad into at least dropping me off. He works with airplanes and so I am sure while he might not realize I plan to spend 5-6+ hours there, he'd at least humor me and come along for an hour or 2.

And yes. Me. 6 Hours. Planes. Can you say true bliss?

Oh and the coffee. Don't even get me started on the coffee.

Tres de Mayo

2011-05-03T11:49:00.003-05:00

Its not the 5th.. but I could so use a dose of warm central Mexican sun. And more tacos. And Tecate.

Maybe I will make my salsa chicken this week.

It is time for another beach visit this week. I've not been back in a few weeks and it is one of the places I love to share with people. The last few plans did not quite reached fruition.

Maybe one of these days....

2011-04-29T14:10:00.001-05:00

Goodbye Chicago. At least for now. I need to escape the looney bin. See you Monday.

Drama Llama

2011-04-28T13:59:00.001-05:00

Drama.

I hate it.

It keeps following me lately.

I am tempted to take a huge Godzilla sized carrot and throw it over the fence for the Drama Llamas to go after.

Just 24 hours.. then I am on the road to hang out with friends for the weekend. I am long overdue for a change of scenery.

Magic the Gathering

2011-04-24T14:15:00.003-05:00

I'm hooked.

This game is fun. It has been a while since I've been out and had a night so fun I lost track of time. I got home at 4am after spending the evening at a friend's house having tacos and learning how to play the game. The best part... it sounds like we will try and make this a regular thing. I don't know that I can be coming home at 4am on a weeknight, but it would be worth it to try.

Sidenote. Guinea pigs are awesome.

wondering

2011-04-20T22:14:00.003-05:00

Some times, people do and say things that contradict each other. Why they do... at times, there is no real answer.

Life is messy. Life is complicated.

If we don't have hope... what else is left?

2011 has been the year of trying to find hope in the midst of losing a lot of things that I loved dearly or was very excited about. It seems that trend might be continuing a little bit longer.

In the mean time... I'll be walking past a certain coffeeshop quite often and wondering if ever there might be a chance I'd be walking by and someone I recognize might be on the other side waving back at me.

Call me Crazy

2011-04-19T10:30:00.004-05:00

I love the beach. Its not a secret.

What perhaps might be the most shocking is that I actually enjoy the beach most when it is raining. There is no one else there! Put on the galoshes, let the fog roll off the water. Things sound muted, quieter, hazy. Yes it can often be chilly and wet and cold, but if dressed appropriately these conditions can be somewhat abated.

A day like this...a shot I took one of my previous trips to Washington State.

Northerly Island

2011-04-17T21:15:00.007-05:00

I am back in my groove! I took a 10 mile wander along the lakefront today. I knew I wanted to check out some place I had never been, so I hit Monroe harbor, and started wandering south. Northerly Island is a small peninsula just south of the Planetarium.

It was a windy day, but so nice to find a place in Chicago where I could go and be relatively undisturbed!

Church Bells

2011-04-16T12:07:00.000-05:00

St.Ignatius Church is right at the end of my street. It is an older church built in 1906, and run by a Jesuit order until 2000.

When I have the windows open, from anywhere in my apartment I can hear when the bells chime.

No matter how technologically advanced our society may become, some things seem timeless.

For whom the bell tolls : Time marches on : for whom the bell tolls :

So... Bathtime

2011-04-14T19:19:00.002-05:00

Apparently there is an affinity for water in this house.

I almost had a little visitor earlier today:

Thankfully... that is as far as we got. My Bubble Bath Charlie!

The Global Family

2011-04-13T09:19:00.001-05:00

In order for this post to make sense, some back story is probably required.

The christmas of 2008, I had just moved to Kentucky. The cost of the move had completely drained my finances, and whatever was left had gone into the bucket called "Graduate School". So that meant I was spending christmas in Kentucky with Matt and his family instead of in Arizona.

It was a very special Christmas for this particular group. That winter was the first time all of Matt's siblings (6 kids including Matt) had all been in the same place with their Mom in 15 years. 3 boys, 3 girls, and the kids and spouses that came with. I was included as a daughter in this group. To this day it still blows me away how accepting everyone was.

Christy, Matt's oldest sister, is one half of a 2 singer irish folk traveling duo called Four Shillings Short (www.art.net/4ss) . During the christmas visit, they did a house concert at Rebeccas house, in addition to a full concert fundraiser in Louisville. In the house concert, they played an old traditional ballad called Health to the Company:

words and music Traditional

Kind friends and companions, come join me in rhyme

Come lift up your voices in chorus with mine

Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain

For we may and might never all meet here again

Here's a health to the company and one to my lass

Let us drink and be merry all out of one glass

Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain.

For we may and might never all meet here again

Here's a health to the dear lass that I love so well

Her style and her beauty, sure none can excel

There's a smile upon her countenance as she sits on my knee

Sure there's no one in in this wide world as happy as we Our ship lies at harbor, she's ready to dock

I hope she's safe landed without any shock I

f ever we should meet again by land or by sea

I will always remember your kindness to me

Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain For we may and might never all meet here again

Susannah is Matt's other sister who sings Jazz (Music runs in this family I tell ya!) and she got up to sing with Christy and Aodh for this song. When they got the to words I've bolded in the songs, there was a real moment. That moment where you don't want to blink because it will become a moment of the past. A moment where you realize all the petty things in the world are just that... petty. And the real reason for being here was all standing in the room with you.

Why does this come up in my head now, over 2 and a half years later? I remember thinking at the time "how the HECK does a family go 15 years without being together?" I grew up in Arizona where family surrounded you. We got together at least every other month, and coming from a big family there was always a birthday or a party or a family dinner going on.

My own family, it turns out.... now I unfortunately have my own experience to share. The last time we were all together in one place was our family cruise to Mexico over Christmas-New Year 2008. Since then our family has grown with my nephew Tyler!

I will be going to Seattle in just under a month to spend some quality family time, even if it is a short visit. And it won't be the same because Elizabeth (wow.. I think that is the first time I have ever fully typed that out. She'll always be Beth in my head) is still in Africa. Her adventure is indefinite at this point.

I have finally laid to rest a die hard habit. Pack my days with MY schedule, MY agenda, so that I don't get "smothered" by my family. It is a hard feeling of resentment to shake. But I did it. I had originally planned to make a getaway trip to Vancouver, on Mother's day, no less. Yes I know. I'm a bad daughter for even considering it. Being gone and on my own has honed a much deeper appreciation for the people that are tied to us through no choice of our own, or so we say. Yet we do actually have a choice. We have a choice to either embrace that relationship and nurture it, or let it stagnate and have it mean nothing.

Especially as I am considering the prospect and excitment behind having my own family someday, it really makes me evaluate my connections to the one I already. So I called my parents on Sunday and told them I was cancelling my trip. I knew my parents would never have told me I couldn't go mostly because I would have gone anway.

But when I vocalized I wanted to stay to spend *QUALITY* time with them, you could hear it in my mom's voice as she said that was the best Mother's day gift she could ask for. My parents both know that Vancouver ranks as one of the top 3 favorite places in the world, and I was sacrificing a visit that meant a lot to me. My dad was just dad, giving me a hard time about not wanting to have to be a backseat passenger all the time.

It took a day to be joyous about the decision, I will be honest. It was that shifting and laying down new neural response patterns. Of going beyond what I know I should do to embracing it as what I truly want to do instead. And now I absolutely cannot wait to spend 5 minutes apiece hugging each one of them.

Oh. And apparently Dad is bringing JC the Donkey to Seattle. God I love my family. The picture here is from my dad telling me that JC had a hankering for some sour cream. Didn't my parents teach me not to play with my food?

new little baby

2011-04-11T14:12:00.001-05:00

Some friends welcome their 3rd boy into the world at 10:30am today... Welcome Ryan! However just a few short hours later Ryan is now in NICU. That's all I've gotten information wise so far, but there is nothing more heartbreaking than babies hanging on for dear life. Lots and Lots of people are pulling for you little guy... hang in there.

If I didn't look at the calendar

2011-04-10T22:12:00.000-05:00

I would think today was June, not April.

But I'm not complaining. NOT ONE BIT. I think getting my mani/pedi day on Friday was maybe a hint to Mister Weather that we needed some sandal weather, stat. And we got it!

I have been waiting ages to be able to head out in sandals and a skirt and walk the beach. It was really the right choice moving back to Rogers Park and back within beach viewing distance. I absolutely love the ability to go right to the water's edge, and look out towards the horizon and not see a single sign of human civilization (when the sailboats are in the way I just blot them out with my thumb. Yes, I know that's cheating. So Shush already :D)

I haven't made the walk to go climb my rock yet, but we have plenty of time for that. Everyone just seems to HAPPY to be at the beach. People running, on bikes, just chilling, reading (like me), anything is better when it is surrounded by fresh air. In all this time I've never actually gone swimming in Lake Michigan. Maybe I will do that this year, we'll see.

I had a momentary twinge of longing for the Coast Guard boat time. I had to remind myself that I can still go out on the patrols, I just have to get on the waiting list to go as a guest instead of as crew. Hopefully I can do that at least a few times this season.

The day is winding down but here is to having every single of my 8 windows open, a strong breeze, the smell of fresh air and incoming rain. There's just one more thing that would make this a perfect night.

The power of words

2011-04-07T21:58:00.000-05:00

This doesn't get emphasized enough.

Today at work, a series of words came out of my mouth that drastically changed someone's life. Each word in any other context would have been nothing of note. This one time, they were lined up in the exact order that I spoke them. They were spoke, they were heard, and then they were comprehended. Then they had true power.

They were words that I had to say as part of my job. And again, each word alone would have meant nothing. If I had not spoke, tomorrow would just be another day like today, and the one before it.

Your words have power. Every. single.one. Both spoken and written, but especially spoken. There is something about the connection experience in that sensory language that heightens the communication.

I am usually not one for small talk or chitchat. If something needs to be said I'll say it, if not I am perfectly content to not speak. I actually had my Boat Crew instructor comment on this as he was giving me a lift to the train one day. He had been talking in front of the class for over 3 hours and I figured he might be ready for a break. I just gazed out the window and relaxed in the car for a good 10 minutes until he said "You don't talk much". Me: "Nope. But I can if you would like me to".

It is still sinking in that the words I spoke today will never be forgotten by someone. Think about that. If you were saying something never to be forgotten, what would you be saying? What would someone tell you that you would never forget?

I remember when 12 years old, and my piano teacher's husband was very ill. When I was 6-8 years old he used to ask me to play the piano for him and would tell me that we would one day play an Opera together. He was a man bigger than life, until he wasn't. All these years later, I still remember those conversations. Little moments that to someone else were either a moment of dementia or else just making conversation. These moments have been woven into the fabric of my memory and are how I will think of some people for the rest of my life.

Words. They are just letters put together. L E T T E R S. I L O V E Y O U . W A R . K E T C H U P.

sometimes

2011-04-06T23:29:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this life.

All the good... all the bad.

And then I realize. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I cherish the chance to be me, despite all my history. Despite all my past.

Somewhere out there is someone just for me.... who has been through a life like mine and who knows me for what it means. Someday...

Landmark Forum

2011-04-06T22:10:00.000-05:00

Its been a couple of weeks since I have written.

A lot has happened.. a lot to process.

I thought I knew what to expect going into the Landmark Forum. I was mistaken. I was blown away.

We as human beings are such amazing creatures. Part of that comes the downfall that we create our reality. And our reality is based on whatever conceptions we place in front of ourselves at any given time. It was an amazing weekend. I thought I had myself all together before I walked in that door at the beginning of the conference. I went because a very dear friend pretty much left me with no choice. I've seen how much of a difference his involvement with Landmark has made in the lives of him and his family, and trusted his judgement. He did not let me down.

Just in 2 short weeks.. I have a brand new relationship with my boss. I used to resent her attitude of "Family mafia" style management. I used to resent that she tried to be a second mother to me. That resistance put a strain on my ability to communicate effectively with her in a professional manner, and I was suffering for it.

It was all about how I was looking at the situation. She has definitely noticed the difference in me, and even if I am still more than slightly weirded out that she continues to mimic me any time I do anything major (major haircut/color, major weight loss, yet another major haircut/color), mimicry is a form of flattery, right?

It really made me remember we only get 1 set of parents. Whether or not they do what I think is right based on where I am sitting.. mine made the best choices they could in the circumstances they had. It couldn't have been easy facing huge medical bills from my meningitis as young newlywed parents at 27. They were my age when I was admitted.

My parents can feel the difference. My mom knew about landmark and they were really touched that I spent 30 minutes trying to track them literally halfway around the globe from Tanzania to LAX where they had literally walked out of customs 20 minutes before I talked to them.

I told them both I'd never get off the phone without saying I Love You. I'm sticking to that for life, even if it means I have to not mean the words. Then it will be fake it till you make it time.

And perhaps most surprisingly... I've got a small flame in my heart that is slowly growing. We'll see where that leads.. So far I really like the direction. Sometimes you just KNOW.

Meet my new sidekick

2011-03-16T20:14:00.002-05:00

I really really miss Dusty. It has been over a month and I was not in a very good space mentally between losing him and then also losing the Boat Crew class.

Since Saturday... this little guy has been my buddy. Say Hello to Charlie.

We are slowly starting to get to know each other. He's a got a host of new toys as I figure out what makes him tick and so far anything with catnip and feathers, and most recently a little laser pointer and we are in business.

Today was really rough. I walked home and it was the first really nice day in a while and everyone was either out running or with their dogs. I really missed Dusty then.

Landmark Forum

2011-03-10T08:29:00.000-06:00

Landmark Forum.

I'm going.

March 25.

I have no clue what to expect... but it will life changing. I am going to make it so. Especially because this opportunity is only happening so quick because of an amazingly awesome person in my life who has had their own life adventure with Landmark and would not let me continue to make excuses for why I have not gone already.

Stay tuned.

Heartbroken

2011-02-26T15:03:00.000-06:00

I just found out today that the #1 reason I joined the US Coast Guard Auxiliary... I have been told I will not be given the final certification due to my hearing loss and concern for my safety and that of other crew members during on the water patrols.

This has been my dream since I was old enough to know there was a coast guard. I got my hopes up when i found out about the Auxiliary in October, and after going on 2 patrols as a guest I could see myself being involved in boat crew patrols for the rest of my life if I was near water. This is no longer an option for me anymore. The only boat/water related option for me at this point is Vessel Safety Examiner, which all takes place on land. While I know it is valuable, I can't swallow having to turn down my dream, AGAIN. I woke up voluntarily on Saturdays at 5am to get my ass to this class that goes for 9 months.

But now... my dog is gone. My class is gone. My family is gone. All the things that I had finally put real effort to make some semblance of a life here in the last 6 months have all completely disinigrated. I feel like I need to look for something overseas.. there's no reason to stay here anymore. Being here hurts too much.

I have to look out my window at work and Lake Michigan takes up 65% of the view. Every time I looked out the window before I could see the station and I would get excited about the next time I would be going out. Now its just a constant reminder of what my deafness is stopping me from doing. I need my own damn boat.

Dusty is gone

2011-02-11T20:42:00.000-06:00

A lot can happen in 24 hours.

Long story short.... I put dusty on a plane to arizona last night. It was a heartbreaking thing to do. I don't need to relive the details as to why here right now.. maybe another day. Right now I'm just trying to make it through tonight.

There are toys everywhere. Tennis balls. bones. Dog food.. water bowl. It is like I have an invisible dog. But I didn't realize how much I rely on him to be waiting by the door for me when i get home. It felt wrong to come in and not see him right there.

Adjustment

2011-02-07T12:40:00.001-06:00

You can never quite see what's coming... this is true yet again. In the middle of this recent change of course I'm doing my damnedest to not squash hope about Life In General (tm). It is sitting in the corner trying to hide from my SADD infested self that is slowly recovering from the gloomy grey snowy wet weekend we just had.

The sun is out now and I am keeping my eyes on the glass to try and soak up as much as I can. Hopefully I can wander around during my lunch.

Hope will make it... even if I have to tie my hands behind my back.

Ghosts of books

2011-02-05T16:00:00.001-06:00

I met someone last month and they lent me a book that I have DEVOURED. I read over half the book in less than 24 hours.

One page of text has stuck with me.. this is an excerpt from The Club Dumas by Arturo Perez-Reverte:

The ghosts of my books roam within its walls. ... sometimes I feel they come back to demand that I make amends. So, to placate them, I take up the violin that you see there and I play for hours, wandering through the house in darkness, like one of the damned. ... The wandering book collector."

I had goosebumps after reading this passage... really enjoying this book. I'm really glad for the chance to be meeting new people, even if the romantic prospects don't happen.

It's all one day at a time.. and finding the moments that make you smile.

World in Technicolor

2011-02-03T14:31:00.000-06:00

I don't know what it is about today.

But so many things are popping out in colors I've never seen before, in places I have been time and time again.

Walking on Kingsbury Ave and seeing a teal building in the midst of brick.

Being at the Bryn Mawr stop and seeing the corner hotel at the block east, with hunter green and olive yellow paint accent.

The different colored glass panes in a Loyola Brick Building. Green, Red, Purple, Blue. all solid glass panes.

The mauve brick of the Loyola Parking garage, and the Red fire boxes in the same place above each other on every floor.

Black water tower with crooked steps.

I had my camera out for some pictures of the massive snow earlier. I will update those later. For now.. I just wanted to get these down. Wish I had been able to get clearer shots of all these technicolor moments since I was on the moving train. Dirty glass and movement never seem to go well for pictures.

Funny how that happens

2011-01-26T11:49:00.000-06:00

I have a lot of things that make me smile right now.

Life isn't perfect and sometimes it takes a bit of work to remember that smiling is kind of an important part of having a good outlook, even if no one sees you smile.

Who would have thought... Chicago is starting to feel like home. Funny how that happens.

I hadn't truly decided to stay until my interview got cancelled at the beginning of November. Since that time...

I've moved (hopefully the last time for a while)

I've gotten my application into the Coast Guard Auxiliary and now have my weekends starting to look pretty booked.

I've made some closer friends that I met in October

I've met quite a few people outside my normal social circle through that psychology experiment I'm running called match.com since I joined at the beginning of January. Some horrendously awkward coffee and lunch dates so far but it has made me appreciate when someone that matches me well comes along. One in particular is slowly developing and unfolding. I'm excited to see where this continues to go.

I've allowed myself the option to be happy AND not feel guilty. I can't change the past. I can't change mistakes I may have made. I can't stop other people's choices and life changes... and there are more circumstances I can't control. Most of all.. I can't control everything.

And That's OK. .... (yes. Still working on true 150% acceptance of this statement. But slowly. Its my mantra lately).

and I've already posted it here before.. but this picture is what takes me back into the place where I first found balance. I was sitting on a rock in the middle of the river in Vancouver's Lynn Canyon. This is the place that comes to mind when I try to recapture what it felt like when things were right. This is home. And somehow I managed to capture it perfectly.

Where is the time going??

2011-01-21T08:17:00.000-06:00

How is it already January 21. I am dumbfounded.

Still in that winter funk. But it is getting better. I took the bus this morning for a change of pace... and saw the Sun rising across the lake as we passed Loyola Park. I have forgotten much I enjoyed seeing the full sunrise every morning. It is too easy to take things for granted.

But that sun rise warmed me right to my toes on this VERY frigid and chilly days. I don't even want to look at a thermometer because it will just be more depressing.

I wish I'd been on the sidewalk so i could have taken a picture.. But this will suffice. It is from a sunrise over the lake last winter.

Lots but not to say

2011-01-06T11:03:00.001-06:00

Been a busy couple of weeks. I've moved... again. If anyone is keeping count that is move #4 in chicago in 2 years, and move #7 since Jan 1 2006.

The holidays are over, the gloom is still here. Lights are going down and the grey cold fog is crouching on in. I take my bubble baths with a book almost nightly now.

I've started a blog post here many times over the last couple of weeks, and haven't hit publish. I know moping when I see it, and sometimes I just need to let those days pass without documenting them to embarrass myself later.

This girl and her soul need to get out of the city for a while. I haven't left Chicago since October, and haven't been on the water since October either. I start my Boat Crew class for 15 weeks of Saturdays on Jan 15, so if I want to do something this coming saturday is about my only full weekend from now until May.

Intensity

2010-12-13T19:15:00.001-06:00

The hardest part of soul searching is at times the absence of sincere interaction with those who understand and seek the same things you do.

In the last 5 years, I have met 2 such people. One is an absolute sweetheart of a lady who moved from Chicago about 6 months after I met her to put her heart where she had been drawn to.

The other has been another woman I have watched from a distance. I've heard bits and pieces of her story and spoke up when I had a chance. When I've been listening it has felt like an echo of my life from 2 years ago. I feel like I was chosen to stay here.. to give up on my dream of seattle and portland and green for a bigger purpose.

Today started like any other day. I'm often known in my circles as an enabler once people confide in me their fears, their goals, and their hopes. I know how important my journey has been for me and if there's anything I can do to put someone on the right path for theirs, I usually don't hesitate. What most people don't realize is how little it takes to do this. It takes listening with your heart, and paying attention to what is being said in between the lines.

So today I became an enabler for this woman. I brought her a single piece of paper like it was a ticket to freedom. And we sat in my office for a few minutes both moves to tears that we were fighting back... simply because we have someone else. Someone else who even if we don't have the answer, understands and yearns for the search. LIVES for the quest of finding just what we are capable of.

And to this lovely woman if she is reading... Thank you for letting me in. You have blessed me in a way I have needed, to be reminded of just how far I have come. May the serenity of choice provide you ground in turmoil that is simply a storm of clouds... the ground remains the ground even if we do not feel the vision to see it.

and things are amovin'

2010-11-26T21:03:00.000-06:00

A lot happens in a short time.

I'm moving back to Chicago... signed the lease for a new place a week ago today. I'm really excited about the location. On Friday when I signed the paperwork I wandered around the half mile from the apartment to Clark and back. I hit the Furniture store, Stella Espresso, Urb Animal, and Devon Market.

This reminds me of what I gave up when I thought I wanted things a little quieter. Evanston is a great small suburb if you have a family and most importantly a vehicle. I'll be much more able to get what I need and where I want to go without having to spend so much time en route to get there.

I'll do another update on my running workshop next but things have slowed down but are ramping back up again. I'm cancelling on actually going to Myrtle as airfare is definitely more than I was anticipating and a friend who was planning to run with me hasn't been able to get their training started due to work conflicts. I made a donation to a good cause and will be better able to enjoy a run and a trek somewhere else. I don't regret the initial decision to do it, as its what go the fire going under my butt.

Trying to keep Busy

2010-11-14T22:39:00.000-06:00

It's been day by day lately.

I have to keep fighting the impulse to change things. Something Different. Anything Different.

It might not necessary be an entirely bad urge. But it's one distracting enough that I keep waffling back and forth. I may take a while to make a decision as I weight pros and cons, but this is something different.

I'm not handling things falling through well. I'll keep trying but every time I get more discouraged. Even something as simple as trying to get my phone upgraded FINALLY and they shoot me down. Seriously you'd think that because I'm giving you more money long term, it'd be ok to start taking that from me an extra 60 days forward. But NOOOO. *end rant*

I miss some people that I used to be really close to. We all change and the past has been left behind.. but I take a long time to make friends to begin with so when they go to the wayside its not without leaving a hole where they used to be.

I've added another person to the ames circle today. That makes 4 people across my life that have given me this nickname. I find it kind of funny because none of them know the other people (with 1 sort of exception) and they all start to use it when talking to me of their own volition, and at approximately the same stage in our friendship.

If you've called me ames and lived to tell the story... that means you're a pretty cool folk in my book.

something cute

2010-11-12T08:56:00.000-06:00

When I get comfy at night I usually don't always get to the bed right away. Usually dusty will find a place somewhere in the living room and pass out while he waits for me. Apparently for the last week or so, he got tired of waiting. I'd get up to go to bed and he wasn't in the room. I'd get to the bedroom, turn on the light, and find him curled up in my bed. He'd given up on me hours ago. I can't really complain too much because he likes to sleep right in my normal spot, which is now all nice and toasty warm.

Thanks dusty.. I love you too.

November 9

2010-11-09T20:06:00.000-06:00

This is the day I have run my first non stop mile. IN MY LIFE.

It felt so good I walked for 2 minutes, and did another one. Non Stop.

And then I say GO YAY! and did a little dance. After I got off the treadmill. One treadmill face palm is enough to last a lifetime.

It started off as really kind of a crappy day. I got turned down for an apartment I was really trying for and it really bummed me out. At work I was really just kind of blah... First the possible Seattle job going on the window, then the apartment. I thrive on lots of activity and while it's nice to get some time to work on projects that have been sitting for a while, my concentration comes and goes in smaller spurts.

I've dressed up today and yesterday and that's helped a little. Yesterday was one of those radiate confidence and sexy and it helped make the day go by faster. I just feel like I race these dark nights to get home and get the lights on and say you can't come in here and take MY light and my energy. This is when I feel the most lonely.

My First 5k - a Reflection

2010-11-07T12:01:00.000-06:00

So the first official run is done.

I finished in 44:33, with an average pace of 14:21.

Yesterday's experience, taught me that training for the miles is only one part of an actual race.

The other part is dealing with the weather conditions, the route, and the people.

Melanie and I left my house at 5:30 to catch the bus down to Grant Park. It was Cold - temps were reading below 30F. It didn't seem so bad as we were walking to the bus stop, and then walking from the Congress drop to the tents in Grant park, as long as you were moving it was bearable.

Then came the wait. We got there about 6:45, and found Shelly. The start time for the 5k was 7:40. Trying to keep that warmth for an hour did not work. At some point we all had to check whatever we didn't want to carry for the race, so there went the hoodies and the sweats that had help fend off the cold - I did this about 7:10.

FINALLY, the race starts. By that I mean the gun goes off. It takes a full 15 minutes for my pace group (I put myself in with the 13 min mile group) to actually cross the start line.

In the first 4 minutes, the following was going through my head - "WTF, OWW, COLD, Hey don't elbow me, Oh this person stopped gotta move over so I don't plow into them".

It was a zoo. It took the first mile to even warm up my muscles. All thoughts of breathing, form, pace were out the window. I was just trying to stay upright and keep moving forward. With all that said, I cross the 1 mile marker in 13:35, which is not a bad time for me at all.

My other learning experience was navigating the water stations. I lost a couple minutes in this area because I made the newbie mistake of stopping and STANDING in a line to grab a cup, not able to see the other 8 tables that were further down with no people. There were people weaving back and forth, darting, it was a zoo.

About 25 minutes into the run, I hit my groove. It felt great!! Before then, I'd be alternating run/walk with 2-3min run and 1:30 walk. I did from 24:30 to 31:30 all running, and didn't feel winded or forced at all. I had to slow down when I hit a block of people that were having to go around the bend on the outside of the Planetarium walk, and then it was just one huge massive block for the last 3/4 of a mile. It was 2 switchbacks to finally get back to Columbus Dr and the FINISH stretch. More and more my endurance is increasing to do longer stretches. The form is definitely helping, from smaller steps to using smaller elbow movements back to let gravity and physics help sync a little better.

Next up is the 8k Rudolph Ramble in December. Its still going to be cold, more distance, but less people. This is slowly but surely happening...

nighttime warm fuzzies

2010-11-03T22:49:00.000-05:00

As I've been going to bed every night for the last 3-4 nights, I've been getting the vibrating warm fuzzies.

I get these in different parts of my body over the years depending on who they're correlated with, and have come to learn each person leaves their own "signature". I can count on one hand the people in my life that I've had this close connection to.

I'm not 100% sure who is thinking of me and sending the warm fuzzies every night, and why they started up at this particular time. But you know what, I thank you. It puts a smile on my face and keeps me toasty warm as these evenings start to cool down.

Running Update

2010-10-27T17:30:00.000-05:00

Its been a few weeks.

I'm still in this goal. I'm about halfway into week #4 of 20 according to the Race schedule I've been working off of. I'm really noticing how quickly the cardio fitness starts to ramp up. When I started, I was barely able to go 8-9 mins total over 35 mins of running. Now I'm able to do 25-30 minutes of running out of 50-60 minutes of activity.

The 5k race is in a week and a half. my first race. They're expecting in excess of 30,000 people. 30,000!!!!! I don't even know how they'll begin to navigate all the people through spaces. Only one way to find out!

staying put

2010-10-07T13:10:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I am saying this. But I think I figured out what my problem has been these 2 years. I never expected Chicago to be a permanent move. It was an escape move from a relationship and financial situation that has ended up being the biggest trial by fire I've been put through. It's no secret I am not fond of this town. I've had a difficult time making friends, and I am not able to get into the great outdoors. Half the problem was because my work is not challenging anymore, and I need that to stay interested. I was without direction, without goals, without interests. I'm involved in a indefinite long distance relationship that operates on 2 visits a year, if I'm lucky.

But for the first time.. I am finding myself having to juggle time to see if I can do everything I want to do. I'm outside with a physical goal to run a half marathon in 5 months. I just signed up with the Coast Guard Auxiliary unit here for the Willmette Harbor, which has a Search and Rescue mission component, as well as boating safety, and other Coast Guard activities. I am beyond the moon about getting back onto the water. I wanted to apply to the USCG as a kid but I'm disqualified because of my hearing. I never knew about the Aux unit until today. As soon as I found out, I made the call and less than 30 mins later, I'm on the calendar for boat time.

I'm looking at possibly having a roommate for some more social interaction, but also to alleviate some of the dog owner logistics that I have been using as an excuse to not be out doing things.I have a meeting tomorrow to meet someone and consider taking a bedroom in their apartment. I'm bringing Dusty for a meet n greet with their 5 yr old daughter.

At first I was leery because I thought I'd be moving soon and I didn't think it fair to set up something only to bail a few months in, when kids are involved. But the kid wants a puppy and the mom jumped at the idea of having a permanent visiting dog without having to take financial ownership of it.

In the process of setting this up, I was invited to stay for dinner. This is a first for me.... I can see all the pieces maybe coming together. This house is less than a 10 min walk from my office. I'd be able to walk home during lunch to let dusty out, and then go from work to the station, all while being able to use public transit. I was worried not having a car would make things hard, because that HAS impeded on other interests I've tried to pursue.

Its hard to let go of the idea of PacNW and the Oregon cult. But all the energy that I was putting forth into that with no results was affecting my quality of life in the meantime. I'm not one to say I wish I had ______.

In all of this... I am still realistically single. and away from my family. But maybe now things are in place that I can have a better social network here than I have the last 2 years. up to this point I've let Chicago have the upper hand... that is not my style. That all changes, starting now.Read more:

Running a half!

2010-10-07T08:57:00.000-05:00

I signed up for my first half marathon - Myrtle Beach, Here I come!!

I've got quite a few friends who live in the stretch from DC to Florida, so I've already started pestering the ones I know who are runners to consider running with me, and everyone else to make a roadtrip to the halfway point which Myrtle is, and spend Presidents Day weekend and come cheer me on. I'm deaf! I can't hear ya unless there's huge crowd. I kid, I kid.

But it feels good to have another goal. I am also doing the Reindeer Rumble in December for a 8k, its a little difficult to find winter races in Chicago for the obvious reason as the weather can be extremely unpredictable in late December and January.

But here we go...

I DID IT!

2010-10-03T23:18:00.000-05:00

and i'm still alive to tell about it. and Not completely kneeled over in pain.

I was a little leery about this running thing as I was loaned a book by a friend that is "Non Marathon Runner Guide to Marathons" for women. The author of the book talks a LOT about constantly being in pain. I can get no pain no gain in a figurative sense.. but something was screaming out to me you shouldn't be saying you'll be popping advil from now till the time training is over. That means you're doing something wrong.

I will definitely say that my walking over the last year has increased my overall fitness. If I had tried to do the run/walk combo I did earlier today back in July when I first started my walking, I would have failed miserably, I think. I have much greater lung capacity and muscle foundation in my quads, hamstrings, and knees. I was definitely working hard after I'd done the 9th transition to a run, but when I finished I was able to still take deep breaths and hold my head up. I didn't have a set path in mind as I was focusing more on time training than distance, but I covered 2.75 miles in about 35 minutes.

I started Friday as I was walking to Domincks on Dodge (long story, and this post really isn't to enforce my sometimes random days of "Duh" moments). I didn't have dusty but was wearing my sneakers, and figured why the hell not try the pacing switches even though i didn't have my heart rate monitor on me. I did 4 transitions of that and made it to Dominicks... I bought some small groceries to take home so I walked the way back, but I think that is what made me a little more optimistic about today before I even started.

Monday is supposed to be a rest day, but I still have to walk to/from work, and walk dusty. I've been looking into Bally again to find some options for cross training now that winter is coming. A friend has a membership there and I think I can get a discount on a friend pass for $20 a month. This would give me a workout buddy maybe, which would be a lot of fun and a good way to get more motivation.

Now time to get some sleep. I have a harder time falling asleep when i've ramped up my exercise cause I get that adrenaline rush and it just keeps me wide awake. But its been a while since I've had this intensity level and it feels really good. yay me.

My First 5k!

2010-09-26T00:14:00.000-05:00

So I started thinking about this last year as my walking was not getting me the intensity I wanted. I didn't commit to something last fall and to tell the truth I don't have any good excuses why.

But I'm changing that. I've booked my first 5k run for November. I've got a heart rate monitor coming so that I can keep track of my heart rate/intensity levels since I know once I get going I am much more about endurance than I am about speed. I've proven that with my walking - if I don't stop I can walk 10 miles without stopping. Now I just need to take that walking and increase the intensity and do the interval training.

A few good friends have encouraged cross training to help prevent injury and I definitely agree with that. I'm trying to see what my options are as summer winds down and the nearest pool options are gyms and I am facing both costs from running shoes, as well as possible gym/race fees. One thing at a time.

But most of all I feel excited about getting out the door again. That is what has been missing from my time outside this year and I can definitely tell the difference. I walk quite a bit just from lack of personal vehicle, but nowhere near what I was walking at this time last year. It's time to change that. I've cancelled my cable, cancelled my internet. I spend too much time sitting. I'm ready to enjoy every part of the day, including the running pains and the side aches and the blisters. It all means I'm doing something productive.

Loki!

2010-09-21T09:45:00.000-05:00

So I gave him a name... he responds to it.

Hanging out in Mexico

2010-09-20T23:51:00.001-05:00

It's that time again ... where I rather abruptly cut off many physical ties with places I know and am familiar with, and put myself someplace else.

Last year was north of the border... this year south of the border.

I've been to Mexico many many times. Having grown up in a border state, I've been on both east and west coasts of mexico, in the resort towns and in the rural stretches.

I'm in a place I've been before, but this time I'm without the more spanish fluent counterpart. I've been able to interact with the people around me today, and thankful my brain loves to hang onto pieces of information for forever.

I was in the pool lounging and reading my book, and watching the storm clouds get closer. I didn't want to get out unless it actually started to rain since there seem to be a lot of fast moving storms, but they are pretty random in their dumping spots. I looked up and saw and upside down rainbow. I've never seen one of those before, and I wonder if I ever will again. I thought maybe it was just my sunglasses or the sun glare but nope. Pretty sure it was real.

After doing the evening dog sitting duties, I decided to head towards the pier and stretch a bit. There's some stray dogs out that were left by their Mexican owners when they left to go home earlier last month. We've been putting out some food for them, and they were very quick to make the association in the care for their wellbeing.

one in particular is a medium sized dog, with a gentle face and happy wag. He was chilling outside on the sand nearby when I left the house and he was pretty excited to see me. Knowing these are pretty much wild dogs, I've not made any attempt to interact, pet, etc as you just don't know what will happen, especially when I am dropping bowls of food for them.

This dog walked ALL the way to the pier - about a 2 mile walk. at first there were 2 following me but 1 got bored and decided to investigate elsewhere.

pretty soon it was evident that he was "with me". As we got closer to the pier there were people out on the beach and their dogs were quite aggressive of their territory. Most just met almost halfway and threatened each other. When I saw that lightening was starting to come and that it was getting dark, I turned to head back. The dog was still right there with me. I stopped moving and put my hand out - he came right up and licked my hand, then did the whole head rub on your knee thing that dogs are good at. Pretty friendly guy.

On our way back a group of dogs were a little more forward in their aggressiveness and 3 of them ganged up on him for a minute. They got in a good warning nip or 2 and he raced back to me, then turned around to face them and growled. Wow. I've only known this dog for 4 days and he's being protective of me.

We keep walking..... all the way back to the house. I wanted to at least get a little more people interaction so i kept going until I got to the street that takes me to the bodega. The little bugger stayed right on me, crossing the street with me and then finally losing interest when I went into the bodega and came out and he was gone.

I Passed my LEED Green Associate Exam!

2010-09-17T20:41:00.000-05:00

with so much going on I hadn't updated this. Passed with a 181, and you need a 170 in order to pass.

I knew where my weaknesses were and sure enough that is where I scored the lowest when I reviewed my breakdown of categories. BUT. I am LEED Green Associate!

I don't have to take the test again - just Continuing Education requirements that restart every 2 years.

I looked myself up in the Professional Directory on the gbci.org website and there I was. That was pretty cool.

Bliss

2010-09-17T13:20:00.001-05:00

Vacation.

On It.

Plans? Nada. Other than making sure I have a good supply of coffee for the week, and a stop to Costco to stock up on groceries. I'd say things are going pretty well.

Why I am smiling right now

2010-09-06T23:46:00.000-05:00

I love when you can find those people in your life that you have a good time with, no matter what you are doing or if things are going as planned.

I got a pasta maker from Goodwill a few weeks ago, and with Sam in town this weekend I wanted to try it out.

we failed. MISERABLY. and I haven't laughed or smiled so much since I set his cake on fire in July. I had mishaps with the dough and had to make 2 batches, and then when we got past the dough creation stage we just did not have any luck getting the texture/consistency we needed.

I asked him on the way to O'hare what his favorite memory from the weekend was, and he said it was the pasta escapade.

We are back to our "real" lives with him on a plane back to AZ at the moment. I keep finding little notes that say "i Love you!" all over the house. I tried to track down some on purpose but I don't find them then. So far I have found 3. I don't even know how he was able to be this sneaky, unless it was while I was taking Dusty outside before we left.

But it makes me smile, and we all need more reasons to do that these days.

LEED Exam

2010-08-31T08:37:00.000-05:00

The exam is booked. September 12.

I better be ready. I feel pretty OK about it, I still have 2 weeks and I have been studying for about an hour a day 4-5 days a week since August 4.

Only time will tell.

Show on the Road

2010-08-30T10:25:00.000-05:00

This last weekend, I was the officiant for a very very good friend's wedding. I took the opportunity for a few moments of peace while they were finishing last minute details.

Love me some coffee and some quiet while waiting to be picked up to get some people hitched :)

The Sandbox

2010-08-30T10:21:00.000-05:00

I just got home from a wonderful fun time with the Oregon Cult (TM). To make the trip even more special, my brother, his wife, and my 3 month old nephew drove down to Portland from their home in Olympia, WA. This is the first time I've seen my brother in 2 years, and the longest I've gone without seeing one of my family members. This was the first time seeing my nephew... who is SO. STINKING. CUTE. I'm not just saying it because I have to, but he's one of those who knows he is too cute for his own good.

I've spent 30 of the last 69 hours traveling. By the time I got back to PDX to start the trek home via plane, I was not in great shape. I tried to no avail to get myself home earlier than Midnight, as I was up at 4:30am to begin the trip home.

I got to Denver and had a couple hours to Kill. I stopped to get a quickie chair massage in the terminal. A soldier who was on his way home for leave came in as well, and we started talking. This man instantly reminded me I have NOTHING To be complaining about. He had left the sandbox the same day I had left for Oregon, and while I was now making my return trip, he was still working on getting back to the US so he could start his leave. He'd already been in the Denver airport an hour longer than I had, and had 2 more hours on top of mine, and I was there 3.

I was looking at him, and seeing my brother. I'm thankful every day that my brother is able to stay on base at FT Lewis with his son and be relatively more safe. I'm glad I got a chance a chance to say thank you to this man in my own way. I don't know his name but that doesn't matter. He is my brother.

Score!

2010-08-19T08:57:00.000-05:00

There are 4 resale/thrift stores all within a half mile of each other that I pass on my way home.

For some reason I felt inclined to stop in one that I'd never before.

I am glad I did - I walked away with a 3 bottle wine rack, a hand mixer, and an ice cream maker for the grand total of.... $6.84.

Gotta love good bargains.

I am really missing a lot of people this week. I'll get a chance to see many of them quite soon. I think I am missing them because I know the visits will be SO SO short and then I'll be back in Chicago again. I am ready to be done with Chicago. October 6th can't get here soon enough.

A month from now

2010-08-18T13:46:00.000-05:00

A Month from now....

I will be sitting and walking on a beach for at least part of the day.

I will have finished my LEED Green Associate class and hopefully been able to schedule and sit for my exam... and know whether I passed.

I will have gotten to see my boy toy twice between a quickie layover in Phoenix (literally... 1 hr from landing to takeoff on 2nd plane) and a Labor Day Weekend visit.

I will be another year in digits.

Pillars of a Temple

2010-08-07T21:56:00.001-05:00

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, but not to near together:For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

“The Prophet,” Kahlil Gibran

No Reason to Panic

2010-08-01T14:48:00.000-05:00

I really can't explain why, but over the last 30 days or so I've had what have felt like panic attacks (to me). I am not prone to these at all, to the best of my knowledge. But totally tight chest, what I know to be irrational fear, but I can't tell you what the fear is of. All I know is when they come I don't know what is triggering them yet, just that I totally freeze. I struggle to breathe, to get up from where I am, to make my eyes blink and think about counting to 10.

I hate not being in control, and a panic attack is probably the least controlled situation I could be in. I have often thought that part of it is the looming Aug 31 date. August 31 was the day I moved to Chicago 2 years ago, and it will mark my existence in any one city for the longest period since I left Phoenix.

And I am completely uninspired by my surroundings here. I was tempted to at first say I was miserable, but I don't think that is a fair statement to make. I am completely in control of my choice to be happy or not happy in any circumstance. But I do not feel any connection to this city. Beyond my intrapersonal growth while here, I don't see this city as a place that is helping me meet goals that I have for the long term. I can't fulfill myself with my favorite interests - Hiking, Outdoors, affordable living, family, friends.

I am beyond thankful to be gainfully employed in a job that overall treats me well, pays well, and provides good benefits. But it is not a position that will satisfy me for a long period - already, I'm feeling restless and as if I've outgrown the position. Project Management is what I do best, and this job originally had it while it was in the creation stages. Now that the position and responsibilities are solidified, all that is left is executing them when required.

I've been in the pursuit for a while of shifting locales to the Pacific Northwest. I'd put off my search until just a short time ago due to visitors coming over the summer. Now that they have been here and gone, I found myself freaking out again.

I've been looking at jobs and postings and apartments. But I have to take a step back and remind myself why I'm looking at this city in the first place. Remind myself of what type of work environment/life style is really what I want. I had totally lost sight of all of these factors in my haze of "get out get out get out NOW".

It's hard to tell myself to slow down. I operate on Plan Then Execute Immediately mentality.

These last couple of days have been harder on me than I have wanted to admit. I put my boyfriend on a plane back to Phoenix, not knowing for sure when exactly I'd see him again. I have no doubt I will at some point, but it's different when you have a specific date to look forward to. I've spent a lot of time interacting with Dusty to fill a little of the void that is now missing in having a live breathing human to interact with.

I took a contract gig earlier this year, and have not been able to utilize any of that fundage until I got the tax business squared away. I met with a CPA yesterday and dropped a check in the mail to the IRS yesterday night. Now I can get about the business of Purposeful planning.

I signed up for a Green Associate course with an eligibility certificate today so I can take the LEED Green Associate exam. I am narrowing my job focus to the PacNW instead of just Portland, but to jobs that will utilize my LEED certification and help me get the building blocks to pursue AP. This is really where my heart lies, and if I move and do anything else, I'm really no better off than I was in Chicago. I'll have not learned a thing in this wretched city I called home for 2 years, if I just escape yet again but without my parachute.

This means my move will not happen overnight. This all reminded me that I need to live day by day.. not put off everything in the future when I don't even know whats going to happen. I've had vacation time booked for 2 months, but I'd hesitated buying my ticket to Mexico because of all of the above. Yesterday I booked my ticket. I need to take advantage of the fact that my company gives me such generous time off. I need to make sure I am taking care of myself every day.

I feel so much better being able to take SOME sort of action. I definitely will not be moving as quickly as I thought. But I have been telling myself for 6 months I wanted to reach my 2 year anniversary at my job because of the supervisory/management experience marker, which will help my marketability down the road.

I still have no clue what the heck the future holds. But at least I am living with no regrets.

Empty Space

2010-07-29T08:19:00.000-05:00

It always interests me the little things that people pay attention to. Yesterday it was the big empty space on my shoemat (50%) and the fact that Sam had rolled up my tube of toothpaste.

The dog had stolen a toothbrush for himself... I wonder if this was a subtle hint from him.

Maker's Mark bottle top is perfect for drinking from the bottle without spilling 1 single drop. Love it.

I put Sam back on a bus to O'hare yesterday... I miss him but I'm not sad he's gone. I just can't make my emotions go there after moving to Chicago and having allowed a person to affect my emotions and my existence so much.

I am extremely happy for the things he has to look forward to in the next month, and it would be extremely selfish of me to take that anticipation and excitement away from him. College in general, engineering especially, is nothing to laugh at. Sam and I are not together because we need each other... we are together because we want to share our lives and make memories, both happy and sad, with each other. We can do this no matter whether we are in the same room or not, if we are honest with ourselves. It is just a LOT easier to have giggle fits in person :D

I don't really expect that anyone reads this stuff anyway, but it doesn't change the truth of it all. Happy Thursday!

Perfection

2010-07-29T08:18:00.000-05:00

No words needed.

Happy Birthday Sam!

2010-07-22T08:42:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was Sam's birthday... I took the day off and we spent the whole day doing exactly what Sam pleased.

We started the fun a little early with a game night with some friends that were also visiting that went until 3am, then slept in till 1:30pm.

I had raved about Ann Sather cinnamon rolls and so we decided to get up quickly and head into Lakeview to go to the cafe that was still open until 3. Lucky street parking and 2 stuffed goobers later.. we returned the rental car and chilled to some soma.fm and read for a bit.

Dinner was his choice and we hit up Bar B Que Bobs about a mile away from my house. Bob himself was the one behind the grill.. can you say baby Back RIBS!? The sides weren't great but that's not why we were there. I have a feeling Sam will be heading back there for a lunch at some point.

We'd snagged Carrot Cake and Pear Bundt Cake from Kopi on Tuesday after having some japanese at Sunshine Cafe. This was my first real Japanese dinner and I had seaweed Salad and unagi for the the first time. Yum to Both!

Also had 3 new wines from In Fine Spirits. I've known about that place since I moved to Andersonville but had never set foot in. Now I know why.. it was because I would have just handed over my wallet every week :D. While we were there we saw a poster for some events at Hamburger Mary's/Mary's Attic, so I think we're going to go to the shows on Sunday and next Tuesday. Burlesque is always a ton of fun.

The best part of last night was putting 31 candles on the piece of carrot cake. Sam was still in the living room while I was lighting the candles, which were about to set off the smoke detector. He didn't quite understand the slight panic in my voice as I was telling him to get his butt in the kitchen and blow them out. The look on his face when he saw the flames was priceless!

And last but not least... my snazzy boy toy sporting a fedora. Damn he looks good.

Numb

2010-07-18T10:54:00.000-05:00

Sam and I made a road trip to Lanesboro this past weekend. I wanted to see my gramma's grave and just get out of chicago for a while.

It was a great time, but was full of both happy and sad.

It felt wrong to be in Lanesboro and only seeing 1 aunt/uncle.

There was a Hanson reunion Sat so when we headed back to Lanesboro we stayed a little longer than originally planned to put in some face time. Muriel was adamant that Sam have a picture of us under the Norwegian flag hanging at the Sons of Norway lodge.

And the whole drive home.. I was half numb. the grave was grown over and solid.... nothing like what it had been a year ago. The flowers were fake silk ones. Gramma always kept live flowers when she went to visit Orvis every week.

And I felt like I should cry or have some more emotion over it all.. but it wasn't there. Then this morning I was reading a blog post about someone's dog passing away and the waterworks started.

In any case.... we're back in Chicago. Time to put the heavy heart on the shelf for a while and enjoy the precious few days Sam still has here.

Life is Good

2010-07-12T07:40:00.000-05:00

Sam is here. YAY! He has survived the first few days of really yuck humidity... last night was absolutely wonderful temp wise.

We discovered a new hangout that I've literally walked by every day for 2 years and never gone inside. I have a feeling we'll be there a bit, especially since its open till 1-2am depending on whether its weekend or not.

How is it Monday already?

Countdown

2010-07-07T07:34:00.001-05:00

12 hours.

Then I will be very VERY snuggly in the arms of someone very special.

Now I am craving cheddar cheese.

LEED

2010-06-30T13:13:00.000-05:00

I've been stalling... I've admitted it to myself. I am GREAT and giving other people kicks in the ass to get moving towards a goal, a passion. I often say I have a lot of likes but no true LOVE.

That's kind of not true. I don't have a true love in the sense of 1 specific professional job ie a doctor.

But I DO love outdoors. Nature. Smart Building... being out of an office and doing things with my own two hands.

I'm biting the bullet and getting the LEED GA certificate, if i can find a way to make it work.
If nothing else, this is a profession and field that I know I would be able to find work in in Oregon, NO PROBLEM.

And who knows.. I still want my land with my LEED buildings. I'd like to get my AP certification, and if it means I need to create my own project to do it, then bring it on.

*gulp*

Making Memories

2010-06-28T23:18:00.000-05:00

Some friends and folks have been sharing their travels and pictures around the nets... and it got me thinking.

I have led a vastly different life than a lot of the people I grew up with.

I'm financially independent and have been for a while.

I've spent more time single than in a relationship over the last 8 years, by choice. I'm picky and I know it... and independent as hell. I don't *need* a guy in my life in order to call myself happy.

I've also not had a huge circle of friends. Once I left AZ, they all but disappeared except for an occasional facebook update, and visits when I'm in AZ. Everyone gets busy and its understandably harder to pack up a new family of 4 than it is one person.

In all this time.. I've done so much. seen so much. learned so much. And most of my significant memories and moments have had no witness but my own heart. Some pictures I was looking at today were of a couple and their baby son. They were in Europe traveling.. but I was more captivated by the unposed family portraits. I've never had that experience in a quality sense, of really seeing new places with someone and being able to both hold the same memories together.

Its not quite the same retelling the stories upon my return. My fear is always.. what happens if I forget? All of these things have shaped me so much. With out someone to trigger my memory.... will these things just fade away? I've tried to write as much as I can in hopes that maybe that will help. Or that pictures can tell a story better than a thousand words.

But a picture can't always capture a feel. It can't capture the music of the wind blowing through the trees and the sun sizzling off the sand... and the smell of rain still lingering in the air.

Summer Storms

2010-06-24T08:38:00.000-05:00

It has been the year for them - I've been alternately excited to see lightning/hear thunder, but then also losing sleep from fear of power outages, oppressive humidity, and LOUD storms that wake this deaf person up in the middle of the night.

This time in 2 weeks, Sam will be in Chicago. BIG yay. LDR can be really tough at times, but on the flip side it makes you appreciate your time together. He'll be here for 3 weeks which I prefer because 2-3 days just isn't enough.

chicago, cheapskate style

2010-06-19T17:14:00.000-05:00

When my friend was here for the last week, I think we did pretty darn good getting stuff for cheap/discounts. A quick rundown:

Free Admission:

Museum of Science and Industry = savings of $30 ($15 x 2)

Field Museum = savings of $30 (1 x 30)

Discounted Admission

BlueMan Group = savings of $70 (1/2 price tickets x 2)

Hancock/Boat Tour Combo Tickets = savings of $30 ($15 savings for each package x 2)

So far just right there we saved $160. Yikes!! It made it a lot easier to not feel guilty about a cubs game at full price or eating out to watch the World Cup games a couple times.

All in all a great week and I got to see a few places I had not been before either.

Blue Man Group

2010-06-13T23:57:00.000-05:00

So ... I finally got to see Blue Man Group AND not break the bank while doing it. Yay!

It was fun! I was a little dissapointed there was not as much drumming as I had been led to believe. I saw the show with my old pit instructor so it was doubly awesome to have another drumline geek watching it with me. He explained their current show actually is 2 shows merged together. That would explain why it was not just drumming, but also more the interactive/Comedy/Entertainment bits.

Now to get back to the "real" week with work this week and hopefully a Cubs game either Tuesday or Wednesday! Go Cubs!

Face In Space!

2010-06-08T08:37:00.000-05:00

So I just submitted a picture to be included in the ST -133 launch on September 16.

My face will be going into Space for the aliens to drool over. Its just THAT good! :p

Happy Tuesday.

Autonomy

2010-06-05T22:25:00.000-05:00

The day you embrace your own... and respect others right to theirs, is the day I have come to believe that you have hope in successful relationships. This means taking people exactly as they are.. without secret agendas to "fix them up" to meet your requirements. It means realizing no one owns anyone else. Your choices are your own... you do not automatically gain rights to make decisions for anyone else. Sometimes rediscovering connections and relationships later in life means that you can take an initial chemistry/spark and add life experiences to that. You just might find that something you enjoyed but didn't pursue is now exactly what you would have asked for if given the chance. Kinda funny how that works.

No relationship will ever be perfect. But I am more than happy to find myself in one that while not perfect, both individuals are under no disillusions. We are both working on things that increase our self sufficiency, independence, and ability to embrace the things that are most important in our lives.

We have very similar priorities and I love waking up each day and finding someone else able to enjoy the small things with me. Someone else who recognizes the steps I've taken in the last couple years and not only understands the journey, but actually finds it one of my most attractive features. THAT, my friends, is what makes me happier than anything. That I am embraced for the things that make me unique and different and ME.

Anticipation

2010-06-03T00:58:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a horrendous evening for me.

I have been pushing on an adrenaline high for the previous 3 weeks, first from a visit to see my lovely love and then a week in Cali doing some side work. The side work continued when I got back to Chicago as I compiled my findings for the final report, which got handed in Monday. Or so I thought.

Tuesday I get an email saying half the slides were missing. Never a good sign, and I know I should have checked it myself (heck, why else did I cc myself on the email) but in any case, I had to scramble to get my hands back on my laptop quickly and get that resolved.

So when I got home yesterday, all that momentum that had been pushing pushing for all this time has depleted. I had a weather migraine from the storms moving in, no appetite, and severe sleep deprivation.

Its amazing how much difference a day can make. Today... I found out Neverwhere was extended 4 weeks - I had a fantastic time at the show earlier this month, and can't wake to take Sam with me. That's the other half of the fantastic day.. I get to spend some quality time with my guy while he comes to visit in July - even to the point of getting to say Happy Birthday and make a Carrot Cake.

So much better way to end the evening.. and a cute shot because I don't often get to do these kinds of things. Us at my fav Tempe restaurant Phoenicia.

I'm an auntie!

2010-05-29T16:59:00.001-05:00

Tyler Fox was born today...

Congrats Kyle and Kayla.. and kiss your sleep goodbye :)

Things happen for a reason

2010-05-25T12:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder what good can come out of some situations in our lives.

For one in particular, it seemed like the heartache that is all over the beginning of this blog was not worth the gain.

I'm reminded I'm wrong. I have gained a 2nd family because of crossing paths with people, and even if I am no longer attached to the person who made the initial encounter possible, they still consider me part of the family and welcome me with open arms.

These are the kinds of folks I'm proud to call my chosen family.

Decompressing

2010-05-07T21:37:00.000-05:00

This week has been a whirlwind... lots of things, lots of emotions, lots of decisions.

Things have happened in the last two weeks that if you had asked me 2 months ago I'd see myself in this situation, I would have not an inkling. I'm being purposely vague for now because I don't want to jinx myself and because I sometimes need privacy even from myself to figure things out in the quiet spaces.

But all that being said... I have smiled more in the last 2 weeks than I have in months. I have rediscovered just how much I enjoy the field that I was actively in with my college education. I have had to have the guts to believe in my own skills enough to take a GIANT chance. That may or may not pan out... but at this point I really don't care. Just the experience to be through this last week has brought a lot of clarity to things in ways that make this month seem like a complete full circle to the year 2005.

When I look at what has made me the happiest over the last decade, its not money. Its not graduating college.

It's spending an afternoon on the porch making homemade ice cream.

Its walking in the middle of the forest and laughing because you can.

Its looking someone straight in the eyes and feeling a connection that years only strengthen, and not diminish.

Its trailing your fingers in the water while floating in the sun.

It's being in the moment.

Mexico 2010

2010-05-04T08:40:00.000-05:00

These were some of my favorite parts of the Mexico Trip this year. There was a donkey track that took you from Cuzama into the brush/hacienda to 3 different Cenotes, where you could swim for as long as you wanted, then they would take you to the next one.

As you can see from the picture, taken from the top of the cenote entrance, the water was crystal clear, nice and semi warm, and there were roots growing in from the ground above.

This is the picture of the second cenote we hit, which was my favorite.

Back in the Groove

2010-05-03T09:20:00.000-05:00

Before the beaches start charging tokens for the summer, I got my walking groove back on yesterday.

Absolutely cool but gorgeous weather... I love the color of the water and the sand in this picture.

For the rest of the pictures from this walk, check out my Picasa : http://picasaweb.google.com/amyfox/EvanstonAndAround?feat=directlink

Heading Back!

2010-04-30T07:37:00.000-05:00

My parents surprised me with a ticket and doggy sitting yesterday. I'm headed back to the Valley just in time to wish my sister good luck and congrats for graduating from ASU, and now moving to Africa.

I think I found it

2010-04-28T09:12:00.000-05:00

I've been one of the many having an exisential crisis over employment, where to live, how to live, what the hell am I doing with my life. Am I doing what I enjoy?

I moved from Arizona because I could not stand the overpopulation of the Phoenix valley, and the detrimental affects on my health. Even after all my travels and spending time in other places... I have always had a favorite spot for the high desert. It is like nothing else you will ever experience in your life.

I am not happy working in the non profit world and not tangibly feeling the difference I'm supposedly making. I can't sit in a desk for 40 hours a week. I want to do things with my hands, engage with people, teach them things.

I want to live within my own footprint and be surrounded by things that just stop and make you go WOW.

I think I want to live here: http://www.arcosanti.org/

I have always loved this place... I am not quite sure how this would all work. But this place is the fusion of my journey over the last 10 years - being involved in non profit, urban planning, sustainability, teaching, enjoyment of nature.

Daddy's Girl

2010-04-27T08:29:00.000-05:00

man I am feeling so homesick this week. This is a tough week for it to be happening, I'm already feeling pulled different directions.

One of my favorite pictures of my dad and I, at my cousin Shane's wedding in Fountain Hills 5-6 years ago.

I'll always be a daddy's girl.

Sedona Sanctuary

2010-04-27T08:21:00.000-05:00

Today... my body is stuck in this desk, and drudging through menial things.

My spirit.. my mind... are here

I took this picture one of the first times I drove to Sedona on my own... I would like my ashes spread here some day.

small things

2010-04-25T17:34:00.000-05:00

Its always interesting to me what people remember, and what is deemed significant.

Monday, October 26, 2009.

Laundry and 2 Long Island Iced teas with dinner. This day changed my life forever.

Sometimes I wish I could have kept the events of this day going on indefinitely... it was such a good day.

Passing time

2010-04-24T12:10:00.000-05:00

I really don't like to make promises to myself about trivial things. I have enough trouble being too hard on myself over other things.

This whole "growing up" thing. I don't get what I'm supposed to be doing. I guess I could probably say I've stopped being being so quick to change my surroundings. But how does one determine whether this is a good or bad thing anyway? Why does it even matter to begin with? As long as I am willing to take the consequences of whatever choices I make, then the choice itself is irrelevant.

I'm not crippled by the fear of choices anymore.

And a picture because I want to.

Mexico

2010-04-18T18:30:00.001-05:00

There was a lot of good things on the vacation I just got back from.

Highlites were good friends, lots of things to see, SUNSHINE.

I feel like there's lots to say, but the words don't want to come out yet. I'm still working through my pictures.

1 Yr Car Free

2010-03-25T10:37:00.001-05:00

On March 10, it has officially been 1 year since I sold my truck.

I just realized that this morning as I was walking to work. While I have proven to myself I do not need a vehicle to get around for the essential reasons (work, groceries, supplies), I am really really missing the escapism it provided.

I have compensated with numerous car rentals for weekend excursions, but that is completely devoid of any real spontanaeity that I love so much. To my friends who I would visit if I could just hop and go... you know this, right?

Truck camping was so convenient too - just throw the old futon mattress in the back of the bed with water, food, and dog supplies and I can go anywhere, in any weather.

looking back

2010-02-21T12:45:00.000-06:00

Last weekend I did a 2k mile roadtrip to Western NY and Toronto over the weekend.

I've had a lot of emotions tied to this trip, some expected and others that were a surprise.

The biggest thing I didn't expect was to feel a sense of belonging as soon as I was in the area. I moved to Chicago from Kentucky because I didn't have anything to go back to in Rochester, or so I thought. Job wise that is probably true. The surroundings are what got me.

Living and bounded by Chicago's transit system, I have yearned for the freedom I used to have to get out of the often traveled paths and just be by myself. I had this in abundance in New York, and had a pretty good balance. I took my belly dance classes, went hiking on the weekends, and had friends that I still keep in touch with today.

It really enforced my gut feeling that Chicago is not where I'm meant to end up. Its difficult to figure out how much of the New York itch is for my remembrance of only the good things. New york was not perfect. But, it was the place I first started learning to be happy being single. I was coming to the cusp of that knowledge and lifestyle when I packed up and moved to Kentucky to be with Matt.

I can't even begin to describe the feeling of coming back somewhere and having people WAITING for me. Having them fighting for my attention for the few precious days I was there. I was in New york for almost 2 years. I have been in Chicago for a year and a half.

I've gotten better at resisting impulse decisions. I still have a strong desire to live in Vancouver as well, and it has been 6 months since I made that trip. I don't have any of my previous excuses to lean a decision one way or the other. While its liberating... any mistakes are also 100% my own. I know better than to be crippled by that consequence, but I'm having a hard time balancing the "if its what you want, do it" and the risk that all of this is just loneliness here kicking in.

Creative Spark

2010-02-04T05:35:00.000-06:00

Over the last few weeks, a friend of mine who enjoys non traditional writing and sound experience projects has been bouncing a lot of his stories and pieces of his stories off me.

This was the first time I've had the chance to creatively think about pleasure writing and all of its possible forms in several years. There is a totally different animal involved when the words are not your own and you can just play with them, sort of the same way you would do with a words magnet Fridge kit.

But in any case... the writing juices are starting to flow. They're not the same ones I had earlier. I have a good chunk of poems that I went through the trouble of digging up last week. Oh my lordy some of them are BAD. BAD BAD BAD. But, a handful still strike me as moving, and I am finding it ironic now that those pieces all are all ones I just wrote for fun, not based on any specific real instance or feeling or emotion. Maybe that was part of that one step removed process.

I thought I'd post my 3 top favorites here.

old man sitting on the corner
a worn cap in his fragile hands
sure this was the place she said
that bench at half past two
clock to chime the hours passed
and still he sat to wait
she'd have a flower in her hair
if she remembered again today
at dusk he finally went inside
stopped a nurse down the hall
"have you seen my wife" he said

Bitch

candied tone
a poor disguise
your smile spews
embittered lies
malicious snares
in fervor plied
acerbic gaze from
wickedness imbibed
no sympathy inside
for these
crocodile tears
you try

Wrapped around my mind
flimsy paper lanterns shine
Dangling carefree down
from thin tattered twine
lively color patterns dance
A finger twirls edges round
bouncing light, shadows lost
paths never traveled twice
Every angle, a different view
best seen filtered through
Direct gaze and expose
colors run to blend a grey